!!!!mid-college freak-out!!!!

it's reached that point, where i'm starting to feel a certain amount of heftiness. i didn't have much of a plan going into college. my plan originally was to go to cnu 2 years then transfer to film school. obviously, that didn't work out. during that time, i was trying to figure out what to do, cause i still wanted to study film. so i decided to major in theater, with directing and dramatic lit. i figured it'd be a good segue into grad school for film. uh, that turned out to be extremely negative. theater was not what i thought it'd be. and i thought it completely worthless spending all my time on things that had nothing to do with me wanting to be a theater major- like 4 hours of tech work a week! what the crap?! 4 semesters of backstage practicum! that added to all the expectations of my concentration and the stuff that theater students were highly encouraged to do. i wanted to die. and i didn't end that last semester well. I'm not used to seeing C's after putting forth SO much sweat and pain.

after last semester, i had a crisis. did not know what to do. transfer out of cnu? it was too late. i knew my only other option was to be an english major, and for some reason, i was totally opposed to it. but i felt pretty dang good, when i decided to do creative writing. it's something people always encourage me with, cause apparently, i can't write well. and i like it.
so, that was said and done.

and then, my epiphany came. i want to teach! i was so excited. until my roomie who is a grad student in the MAT program started talking about all the requirements. i started to freak out. ok, so i'll just, just to have add another semester here, or do some summer school, but i can get it done! even when faced with the realities of MAT and teaching my roomie was informing me of, i still felt very sure that i had to just go for it.

until friday. i met with one of the MAT advisors. and thus, i am no longer sure if MAT is for me. she told me of my the requirements. for me to be a high school english teacher, i would have to take several, several classes that i wasn't going to take. it's almost like adding on another concentration to my english major, thus double majoring. plus i have a double minor already in process, which the advisor was not to excited to hear. adding all of this together, i should be out of CNU at age 27.

so what do i do? drop creative writing?

i really, really don't want to that. plus creative writing really only requires 5 classes plus any other upper level english classes that go in. but just imagine- i would have to take a really intense fiction writing class and some grammar class (that would drive me mad) and a 30 hour classroom lab all at once, plus two other classes.

i really have to consider something. the MAT program only covers two types of traditional education. K-6 and 6-12. am i absolutely positive i want to teach high school or middle school?? i have no clue if i want to teach either, i just know i want to teach, and MAT is the fastest way to guarantee me a job. but this program is sooo...anally retentive. there is so much red tape, and so much that goes with getting into the program. plus, the public school system from what i hear and have experienced is, too, anally retentive. i just, won't be able to stand it. I am way too type B. If i teach, i want to teach kids things that i care about and they do or will probably care about. i don't want to worry about outside pressure of achievement scores in testing, like SOL. i hate the SOLs. hate. hate. hate. cause i really feel like they ruined my secondary education. most of my teachers were so geared for teaching for the SOLs, they didn't do anything else. it sucked.

so, do i really want to be a teacher for the state of Virginia? not really, i think. but it just feels like the most realistic thing for a job for me after school. haha. i know it's funny. janelle thinking realistically. but you what? all the dreams i've had for after college, they demand money. going to film school, going to italy, doing mission work in third world countries, moving to Portland, even just working for a church (cause God knows ministers don't make a lotta money. My IV staff workers have to fund raise their money). i have no money. and i'm realizing that my parents don't have limitless resources for me to draw from. i'm realizing i'm lucky enough being put through school. all my idealistic dreams can't be met without money. funny, cause i hate money. i hate 9-5 office jobs. i hate doing the same mundane tasks for hours on end. i hate high pressure jobs. where people are always waiting on you to get them stuff. and the line never ends. i'm just not cut out for an average job.

but one reason why i don't want to be a virginia public school teacher right away, is that i feel the next few years after college will be the only time i have to pursue my dreams. think about it. someday i'll meet the man i want to marry. this man, if i get that lucky, will ask me to marry him. then we'll SETTLE DOWN. i hate that. i hate those words. it implies so much. husband will go and be a breadwinner. so we can have a big house for our kids, who i would have to most likely stay home with, if i want them to turn out alright. i'll never see my husband, cause he'll be too busy trying to provide stuff for us. and my life will be in constant control of my kids. i wouldn't be able just to go on a random trip or go live in africa whenever i feel like it. i'll have lives to be responsible for. we'll live in some boring house, in a boring neighborhood, that looks like every house and every neighborhood in America. all my friends will be doing the same thing. and we'll get together to talk about stupid, American dream-oriented things. and i'll become a rigid conservative, cause all i'll care about is my own security.

and it'll be all because money will keep us there. keep us away from pursuing dreams else where. keep us away from people who are in need. keep us away from any unpredictability and excitement. even if the guy i marry has the same dreams as i, we'd still not have the money.

teaching seems to be the only way, but traditional, i just can't do.

an afterthought
of course this freak out is natural. it's part of my flesh.

but i'm called beyond that.

and people always remind me. sherwin told me to read this after reading this post.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers and sisters,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable
- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -
think about such things.

Whatever you have learned or recieved, or heard from, or seen in me - put it into practice.

And the God of peace will be with you.

For play pitch, see entry below

I’m back to the personal stuff.

Lately, I’ve been feeling weird about guys. Cause usually, I have some guy friends who I am pretty tight with. More recently though, I don’t feel “tight” with anyone and that really, kinda bothers me. I am becoming really, really comfortable being single, and I don’t find myself really looking for a boyfriend. I just want guy friends. So benificial to have. I feel like part of me is missing without the role of platonic friends.

It’s not like I don’t have any guy friends, I just feel myself drifting apart from all of them. And I don’t like that. Especially with my Christian friends. I feel like they are always seen on two extremes: as womanizers or asexuals. Now, I know that most of my friends don’t fall on either of these, but they try so hard not to be one of them, that they’ll end up seeming to be another, or just really really big awkwardness will ensue.

My guy friends who are hooked or have been recently hooked up are a different story. I am not an imposing threat on them, but then again I am, cause their girlfriend needs to be the one girl they invest all their energy in. True? In a way, yes.

I feel like some guys are scared that if we get too close, I’ll get a crush on them (or they’ll get a crush on me), but that’s dumb. Why do people have to see everyone of the opposite gender as an option? I look around me, and like, 95% of the guys at CNU will never ever be options. And on my part, it’s not like I’m a model-like, flirty vixen, out to prey on any unassuming victim. I’m a stout, funny/awkward, low-maintenance chick who’d rather just have guys around more to shoot cut-down jokes at, talk about nerdy topics, philosophize, play poker, smoke a black, and once in awhile get an inside perspective on stuff. I have not played poker, or any other dude games at all this year. I feel so guy friend deprived, that it’s contributing to my introverted awkwardness I’ve felt around people lately.

At home, I really only hang out with guys when I do decide to socialize. This summer in Portland, some of my closest friends were guys and I did not feel a bit attracted to any of them (so great!), I grew up with boys. I need them to function as who the true Janelle really is.

I ate lunch with some guys today. It was weird. Cause of awkward conversation. And especially since one of them and I used to talk to a lot, in a completely buddy-like, not romantic manner. But we had really good conversations coming from two different perspectives. And I really liked that. I could also talk to him about things that we both really liked. It’s hard to find guy friends who share the same interests. Nowadays, since I hardly see him, I can’t have any buddy talks with him. Trying to conversate with him now is awkward cause it’s so few and far between. I miss hanging out with him, but I every time I try to initiate that, he just seems to avoid me.

It feels like everyone is avoiding me. And I do it too. I fear guys who appear to be coming on too strong, and I put up a guard. WE SHOULDN’T BE DOING THIS.
I hope this blog will get me my guy friends back.

I am taking playwriting seminar this semester. For this class I must write a 10-minute one-act, oh what you call it, play.

Tonight was the night to pitch ideas. In a perfect world. I found myself aggravated by continual prolonging of the idea session, of which we were each supposed to pitch 2 ideas tonight. Only half the class ended up pitching 1.

My point? (which is not the annoyance)

I actually very badly wanted to pitch one of my ideas tonight. So much that I was practically falling out of my chair, anticipating my turn to run my thoughts. This is not because I think I have some genius idea, and that it is the best one ever. It's because I have an idea for a play that might be mediocre, but I'm burning to write, and I wanted feedback. I wanted ideas to how this could be staged. And I wanted to know if this could even work.

And I went home with nothing.

And so. If you would be so nice, I will propose my pitch right now to whoever might read this blog. All 3 of you (but that's better than non).

working title- Drink Your Coffee, It’ll all be OK.
This will probably end up being a satire, with some black comedy and some absurdism rooted in it.

Broad Stroke (theme):

Apathy is one of the biggest diseases of this generation. The only way to break out of this apathy and truly live is to die to your old life.


Stasis:

Normal, comfortable college campus, named Freedom University, slightly isolated from everywhere else, in a bubble. Angela is a student there, privileged and wealthy, and deeply in love with her boyfriend, she wants to marry. Her world is in perfect oblivion. Nothing bad can happen.

Intrusion:
Angela starts to notice that people are falling down, dying. And no one is doing anything about it, except when the bodies get removed. Not many around her notices these bodies. And when they do, they just go on with their lives.

Fight: Angela must overcome her fear of people andself-consciousness of her lisp to get people to understand what’s happening and do something about it. Her boyfriend acts as a barrier to this, as he has always served to protect her and give her confidence.

It isn’t until poor students get kicked out of housing that anyone decides to start fighting the administration, who is behind these deaths. Angela tries to figure out what she can actively do, but gets even more confused when her boyfriend starts urging her to marry him. He wants to protect her to get away from the messy life of the now flawed campus, but she wants to stay and help out.

Angela finds out that if she gives away everything she has and gets the other wealthy students to share, they can stop the death and poverty. Even when she reaches this realization, she sees that more than money must be given, and she doesn't know what.

Crisis
She has to decide though to give away everything or to leave and marry her boyfriend, and live a comfortable American dream.

So that's it.
The major issue this play is addressing is the human rights crimes made around the world that we are daily ignorant to in our sheltered culture. The genocide/plague that persists will be made to parallel the events occurring in Sudan. The satire will hopefully encourage people to think about their living situations, how lucky we really are, and think about giving away their hearts, their lives to help people who are suffering and promote a movement against apathy in American youth/young adult culture.

I have a general idea here. And I think this is unique and interesting to see on stage, but I'm not sure how to flesh it out for the stage. So any suggestions would be wonderful.

Thank you.

i've meant to post these poems up on here since i wrote them a couple weeks ago, while I was too distracted by myself to pay attention at IV and CNU Tonight practice. as i typed them, i did make minor changes, but, they're not very good. sometimes it's just therapeutic to release your true feelings through shitty poetry.

knowing

I look around me
all I see is familiar,
here in this room.
A few I don't know
and I feel confidence
the majority I do know.
but wait?
why do I have confidence
in knowing them?
I step outside here
and I know few
too few
outside these walls
of people singing
shiny faces
and with all my knowing
i feel so alone
this place
is it my hiding place?
a place to trick people
that I know
what it is to be alive?

here and there

I'm here.
I promise.
What,
just because there's no
cheery smile and
hearty hello,
I'm upset?
I'm disturbed?
Doomed?
Yeah,
I'm here.
Not myself,
but not bad..
just present, I guess.
Watch my eyes as they shine
briefly
then glance away in disinterest;
cause right now
I'd rather be still
and just breathe.
So,
I am here
and you are there,
where you can stay.

words. words. words.

words flow from my lips.
silly words. awkward.
I-I try to correct myself.
Try to make it right.
What need?
In my mind,
will I ever be right?

words roll off my tongue.
silly words make
awkward conversation
Don't know what I'm sayinh.
or if this person
really matters.
and,
does he care
how awkward I am?

words pour out of me.
and i can't help myself.
silly. awkward. obscure.
I say what I think;
when I don't,
the words stumble
and ceases to continue.
That is when
I feel the most awkward.

Methods
I turn up the volume
as high as the morning'll alow
even muster up a dance
as i change into my green dress.
I set the coffee pot on --
top priority.
My! how deliciously potent it'll be!
the aroma itself
awakens and excites.
I instant message,
as my friends and I
exchange wits.
the coffee is ready--
here I come!
dash of creamer,
dash of cinnamon
and it's there.
I sit down. just sit
sipping the hot liquid
filling my mouth
and empty stomach.
Disappointed by
its lack of expected potency,
I laugh to myself,
"Yeahhhh, I'll need this
again in a few hours!"
Then get up, make away
back to the computer,
where my life is awaiting.
what a life.

home, sweet home.

i guess it's nice to take a break away from the college world, but everytime i go home, suburbia effects me either harder. here are things i do everytime i go back home.

1) watch tv.

i never ever watch tv at school. i refuse to. in fact, all we have at my house is basic cable and i like it that way. but then there's home. we have like 3 enormous TVs. complete with surround sound, TiVo, HD and all the sports channels known to man. well at least one of televisions has all those components. and the TV is always on. i got yelled at for turning the stereo to the TV off earlier. apparently, it hurts the system. so when the tv goes off, it actually isn't off, the screen is off, and the stereo is turned down lower. what a waste of energy is what i think to myself. but i always have to respect that these things are not mine so I do not have control over them. anyhoo. i watch a heck of a lot of TV when I am home. and it's mostly out of consent to things I hate, just to be with my family. Like today, I watched the Bachelor in Rome on Tivo with my mom. That show represents why I hate tv. Also, my mom likes to watch shows about houses. Whether it's decorating a house, or just looking at houses. usually, the bigger, the better. i don't have anything against house dwelling, i just think it shows how sadly devoted our culture is to the American Dream to have shows about people house hunting in suburbia.

what i do like on TV, when I watch it, are things that entertain or inform. If they do both, that's even better. When I'm home, I like to watch Degrassi. The show is terribly melodramatic, shows kids in unrealistic situations, but I like it cause I can laugh at its ridiculousness. It's so bad, it's good. I just watched a whole episode of the Office today. I didn't get any plot out of it, but I loved it! It just satires office life so well!! Finally something that is humorous makes its way back on the tube. I have not gotten into Lost or Grey's Anatomy, and I don't think I ever will, honestly, although I am glad that scripted drama that is not the OC has made its way back on TV. And I like to watch the History channel. It contains a wealth of obscure information. Amazing. I check channels like Comedy Central, TBS, Fox Family, for any silly movies to watch. If I wanna watch anything good, I check AMC, Bravo, or any of the classic movie channels.

ok, number 1 was much longer than i anticipated.

2) eat a lot of food.

I wasn't expecting this, this time cause I just went vegetarian this summer. However, yesterday, my parents concocted a vegetarian feast in honor of my homecoming. Eggplant parmesan, veggie pizza, rotini, salad. OMG, so good. Also, if I happen to see friends, I can guaratee you it'll over food. Northern Virginians sure do eat out a lot. Whenever we get together, we get together to consume. I don't know if I'll be doing much of this, this weekend, but I did go to an Indian buffet today with Adam, Scott, and their friend Jessica. Typically the places to go are IHOP, Tony's or some other place with greasy food. There is always a visit to Coldstone with one of my old female comrades.

3) smoke at starbucks.

i haven't done it yet this weekend, and i don't know if i will, but i end up doing this at least once, each time I'm in nova. Starbucks is literally the only place in town aside from greasy restaurants youngsters will hang out at. many people don't just drink coffee there. They sit until past close, chain smoking and talking about mainly pretty dumb stuff. A couple of my friends partake in this culture, so when I wanna hang out with them, I do it too. However, everytime I go, I run into asses who I butt heads with. I think a lot of the youngsters there are just extremely bitter cause they haven't gotten out of Manahole yet.

4) get into friendly arguments with my dad about politics. these can be triggered by just about any topic.

5) drink wine and smoke a cigar with my dad on the porch

6) fight for the TV to be turned off so I can read

7) go to churches I really don't like just so I can see old friends

8) drive a car, though not for very long.

i used to drive around much more in my NOVA visits, but when my brother Mark moved out, he took the car I would drive. My parents get pretty anal when it comes to me driving their cars, and since last summer, my driving has been reduced to non.

9) get asked about my weight

EVERYTIME I come home. it's either, "oh, you lost weight". or, "oh do you think you gained or lost weight?"(which means I gained)
this comes from everyone in my family, especially my mom.

10) sleep with my dog
this is one of the better things about my stays at home

11) take random pictures of myself for facebook or myspace

i tend to do this only when I'm home. sometimes i even get made up to do it.

12) see at least one old friend I get in an awkward conversation with

13) stay at home, mainly being anti-social

14) watch a lot of movies

15) complain about Manassas

ok, so i was confused. sabbath week is next week. oh well.

i find the E in my ENFP personality type turning into an I. i always on the borderline. something's been changing in me ever since I got back to CNU. i don't have the same drive to be the social butterfly i once was and be bffs with 20 people. i was way too spread out between too many committments and a very wide social circle. i had so many friends that i felt even more disconnected.

and i still feel that way. but lately, the I in me has been acting out against it. i'm just not the same anymore. i sit outside of groups i'm with. last week, at CNU TONiGHT rehearsal, i wrote 4 poems without paying attention to pretty much anyone. at IV large group, I always feel overwhelmed and distracted by the amount of people there. I don't go out of my way anymore to greet every single person i know. last week i just stood against the wall the whole time. i'm not even exagerrating. i talked to people, but fewer, and with more quality rather than quantity. it's starting to get really hard to engage in worship at large group. i just feel suffocated by people. and then there was the IV trip to the beach, which I was looking forward to. i didn't find myself liking sitting around in big groups of people. and every time i've been speaking up lately it's some opinion like knowing where your meat comes off.

i'm coming to absolutely despise everything about small talk. i want to engage in active, meaningful conversation. so my small talk has become opinionated, semi-political banter. or i'd start freaking out about a book i'm reading, or some really obscure story about my day. i absolutely hate small talk and want to avoid it whenever possible.

my walks around campus to and fro things are usually filled with these meaningless conversations. and i usually end up annoying myself with my meaningless perkiness that comes up through these. you know what i'm talking about.
hi, how are you?
great and you?
great!
well, that's great!

ughhhhhhhhh. i saw probably a hundred people i knew today just walking around. and i was not in a rush or anything, but i just didn't feel like addressing any of them. or wearing my shiny happy face. and i didn't. and it felt strangely hostile. but man, i just want to avoid fake conversation.

another part of my I, is my lack of attention whoring. i really don't a damn anymore who pays attention to me and who doesn't. sometimes, being in the spotlight can just be overwhelming. people expect me to be the this little burst of energy...and most of the time, it just isn't me. so i'm not into trying to captivate people's attention anymore by my simple means of ridiculousness. the people who really matter will pay attention to me anyways. i don't need to be a campus celebrity.

and i feel, so, so very exhausted by people. and it's making loose, laid-back janelle into someone who is uptight and wants structure. and i want to be left alone to my thoughts without anyone asking if i'm alright, because i'm fine damnit, i just want some time to "be". i don't think that every moment calls for a conversation.

anyhow, this is how i'm changing into an introvert, an INFP. it's bringing some good and bad things into my life. good that i want closer and fewer friends and more authenticity. bad that i'm growing very dry, wary, exhausted and cynical. so i'm not as perky as a janelle as i was, i still gotta fight for my joy. i can't let those emotions overtake who i am. it's too easy and i'd end up hating people.

with the wrong attitude, this week could be the week from hell. even though all IV meetings and small groups are cancelled due to our appointed sabbath week. with that i kinda think, "wooo! more time to do my homework in this week of disaster!" but really, I realize I make way too much out of my busyness. when i get busy, i turn into a monster. and i don't really stop, except to do meaningless crap, like check my myspace a thousand times. i need to just stop and be, and be with God. and so that's what I need to do this week.

with that, the CNU TONiGHT show is this week. lots and lots and lots of rehearsal. tonight. tomorrow night. and then tuesday night show. i am overwhelmed by this, considering that this is midterms week. but i just need to keep moving forward and not worry so damn much. and take time to pray and just be.

and i want to whine a lot more, but i'll stop.

tonight, I went to By Grace Community Church for the first time. it was at the monastey, which i have never been to, but have seen pictures and video when I've been to Hope community. the monastery is a home to several churches, with a vision of being a unified body of churches in the area. the chapel inside is beautiful. i thought to myself that i had't been in a church that was so aesthetically pleasing and yet simple...not too ornate.

for the first part of the service i was distracted. there were so many young people (and some older people) all packed into a small room, and my eyes tend to wander a lot, and my eyes tend to want to scope things out. i hate that i do that, but it do it all the time at church or IV. when i'm used to being at a place, i don't do it as much, so hopefully, i'll stop at some point.

when Kevin Hass started speaking, I realized how much I've missed his talks. when he said we were gonna look at Luke 5, cole and I started to laugh cause we had just studied the passage this week in small group. yet, he went beyond just the bare bones of what we pulled out, and went straight for the heart of the passage. the part that hit me the most was the application. he asked us how we are to use our gifts to serve the Kingdom of God. something i thought about a lot this summer. and yet, it really hit home to me, cause of my recent call to teach. honestly, i have never felt called by God to specifically do anything. and teaching was always last on my list. but i have this weird feeling as though i am being called. the more i think and pray about it, the more i want to teach. and there are many things that freak me out about it.

and another thing he asked was what are we going to leave behind to pursue our calling. now this is where it gets hard. i hate letting go of things, but the disciples were people too and left behind everything. but i realized why i am being called to teach. God is calling me out of what I've wanted to do. and you may ask what. and i also had been asking what. but at the core of everything i had been considering in my past- writing, making film, acting, directing, etc...it's all been directed for my glory. i've always wanted to be someone big. someone significant to history. i've always wanted to be remembered. so i wanted fame. even when i wouldn't admit it, everything i was going for was for me. i didn't want it anymore, i didn't. but everything i was pursuing was otherwise. and then God gave me a way out. what do i have to give up to teach? my secret yearning for glory. it means nothing. its rubbish. and i've been tricked by it all these years.

and just now, as i'm realizing that i have potential. i'm not feeling short-changed in my gifts. i don't consistently feel like an idiot. now is the time God is calling me to step away from what I wanted with those gifts. this is so incredibly humbling.

i don't feel equipped to teach. i don't. but then i do. i learn so many things, and my greatest desire is to SHARE. share them with people. i remember wanting to be a teacher as a little girl. i don't really remember why. i guess i felt so inspired by everything i was learning. i loved to learn. and now, i'm coming back to this childhood desire. i never wanted fame until i stopped wanting to teach. that was 3rd grade. heh!

i was thinking all these things went Hass was talking about the call to follow Christ. then when his talk was done, the first song we sang was "the famous one." i laughed out loud at the irony.

"You are the Lord,
The Famous One, Famous One
Great is Your name in all the earth
The heavens declare You're glorious, glorious
Great is Your fame beyond the earth"

i have a hard time realizing this. that these words ring false in my ears unless i let go of my glory.

oh, and it was so cool watching the lightning show through the chapel windows and hearing the thunder right above us. at the end as this elder was praying a beautiful prayer, it started raining. the rain poured down harder and harder as he prayed, and just as he said
"Amen," the lights went out, for just a second. i felt God's presence. so strong.

Today, I had a revelation: I want to teach. Teach what? Maybe English, but I don't want to just teach about English, but a more broad spectrum of things- ranging from drama, art history, religion, philosophy, etc etc. I guess English teachers could very well incorporate different subjects into it though, since my lit prof took my class on a tour of the campus architecture a couple days ago.

This is funny. When I was little, I mean LITTLE, I wanted to teach. But then that desire completely went away. And in high school, I joined the FEA (future educators of America) but I think that was just because I liked my teacher who was running it. We were friends. She was my English writing teacher. Go figure. One of my friends, Shawnee had commented on how I'd be a great teacher. She said that everyone would complain about how I didn't make sense until they scored advanced on their SOLs. When I got to college, I still had no desire to teach.

Until today.

It was no big event, not any at all. I was sitting in lit class. I was getting my books together. It wasn't a special class. I mean, I was sitting there, listening to things my classmates had to say that were interesting. And I was interested, rather than wanting to shoot them. And then when I got up I had a random surge in my heart to teach.

I forgot about this. And then Lindsey and I watched Looney Tunes today. We were watching this one about Daffy Duck trying to fight against what his animator was doing to him, but to no avail. He was the one being animated. When I saw, I thought, if I taught a class about existentialism, I'd show this cartoon.

And it got me thinking about the weird things I think up and how I always want to share them with people. And my creative energies. Yes, I like to write. Yes, I like to create. But limiting it to just that wouldn't be good. I am a girl filled with creative visions that is beyond just creating art, it's creating good, functional things. I was thinking about where they'd best fit into a job. I'd say teaching is one. Maybe the one. I also have had thoughts that I want form a school. I look around this one, and I see what I would do different, as far as what it is.

I don't know who I'd teach or where I'd teach. I have always wanted to live abroad, but I think that would be the hardest, teaching people who I don't understand. Communicating would be difficult. I also have wanted to go on the missions field, maybe teaching would come in hand there. Or maybe teach in the inner city? Or teach a bunch of spoiled over- educated kids? I kinda wanna be a prof. So, today I had a vision. But I have to do a lot more praying and waiting to discover the details.

Neverthless, I'm excited. I never ever thought I'd say that again. That I want to teach.

This somewhat resembles the tatoo I want to get. I always liked tatoos, but never felt inspired by anything to want to get it inked permanently. The original idea of this design was inspired a couple weeks ago at IV. In Beth's talk, she spoke about two types of fear in the Bible. One was fear as in being afraid, and running away. The other was yira- being in total awe and reverence of God. The word rolled off the tongue so loverly, yira. Nicole and I both were marveled at that word we just learned. She said that would be a good tatoo. And she wrote it on her hand. Yira Yahweh. And we both agreed it'd be a good tatoo.

At church this morning, I got inspired. Yahweh turns into YHWH, like the original text. I have heard it said before that since the name of God was indistinguishable, He gave this name to Moses, which wasn't meant to be said phonetically, but breathed in and out. YH (inhale), WH(exhale). Breathing in God is a very beautiful thing to me. It keeps me focused on Him, and it silences my inner distractions. You could even say it's very zen-like. When we come to God, clearing away our minds, and all the junk we are thinking is usually the best way to be able to connect. I often forget this. Having YHWH inked somewhere that I can would set a good reminder to me.


Yira. I often fear God, and fear things. But it isn't that yira fear. It's the other. I flee away from him, hiding from him, too scared to be in his prescense. In place of yira fearing God, I fear other things- school, relationships, myself. All these fears culminate, distracting me from God's perfect love. The fear spoke of in 1 John 4 is this. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."I want to fear God, not being afraid of him. But being in total awe of his power and sovereignty set before me. I want to bow before God and his majesty, not on the material things I set in his way.

The yira fear of God comes up numerous times in scripture. One of the earliest instances is when Abraham submits, willing to give his most precious possession, his son, up to God.

Genesis 22:2
Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

Abraham follows orders because he trusts God and knows that He is looking out for him. He sets God first above all else, shown as he is willing to give up his one and only son.

vs 10-12
Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied

"Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

fear God= yira YHWH

To live life without withholding from God in full worship to glorify Him is Yira.

what's more is that it's Jesus showing up here to intervene Abraham's sacrifice. Jesus is God in man's form. The Angel of the LORD, is not just an ordinary angel. It doesn't say AN angel of the LORD, it says THE. And also how else could the angel say that you have not withheld from "me" unless this angel was also God? So it has to be Christ. What's so weird, and how this all connects, is that God does give his son up to save the world. He sent Christ to die on a tree. This was the true sacrifice, this story leads to.

And that'd be the part that completes the tatoo. The completeness in Christ's death on the tree makes us able to yira yahweh. This tree (cross) has several layers. When we have Christ, we start off as seeds, and grow into trees, bearing much of his fruit- love, joy, peace, patience, gentlness, and self-control. We start off small, and it is only through Christ that we grow into big thick beautiful trees. We continue to grow. It is in Him, and his redeeming love that we can have life, life to the fullest. And experience eternity now.

I feel connected to nature, what God has created. The ground I walk on, the trees I see. I love trees. They are a beautiful symbol of what it is to have life. God's love and the nature of the cross is seen in his creation. The Tree of Life. What can I say, I'm a tree hugger.

Another thing a I see a tree a symbol of, is community. We are all different parts of the tree- the roots, the stump, the branches, the plant life, without each other, we are not able to function. Do you ever see a tree without a stump, or without at least 3 branches. Trees show that the best way to live is not individually, but in community.

I never wanted a specific tatoo. This one has so many layers to me, and is so personal to my existence as a human being, that I really am excited for the day I get it inked. Which won't be anytime soon, cause I have no money. When I get a job, I'll start setting aside increments of money towards, it and hopefully get it done by a friend I can help support, or someone working for a good cause. I had thought for awhile that getting inked would be a big waste of money, but not if it goes towards something good.

Up and above is the design, in Janelle fooling around on Paint form. I'll get one of my artistic friends to take the concept and make it prettier. I want the tatoo somewhere I can see it, but I'm not sure where. My ideal place is vertically on my wrist. Yet, that'll hurt a lot. We'll see when the time comes!

"Was the Facebook revolt the sign of growing revolutionary activism among the Internet generation? Not really. Granted, the protests got Facebook to back down: the website modified its News Feed, and students feel that their privacy has been restored. But all the students did was click a button to join an Anti-News Feed group on Facebook or sign the online petition — a protest that took less than a minute. There were no massive demonstrations or a significant boycott. Facebook’s membership has continued to increase every day since the News Feed was implemented. And were Facebook itself not the subject of the protests, it’s unlikely that the students’ actions would have brought such a quick result."

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1533289,00.html

we are being mocked by facebook itself.
it's time to delete your facebook account. join with me.

late night entries are dangerous
but when i cannot sleep, i must write something, somewhere.
and for some reason, i feel solace in sharing my thoughts with the world.
writing is how i connect with god, and how i connect with the world.
"as above, so below"

right now, i'm facing a lot of good times. and a lot of uncertainties.
my life has been packed, with good friends, good times, good bible studies, good prayers. god's been good, basically.

and i keep wanting more. i keep grabbing and grabbing at air. i keep fleeing.
why is this?

at the root of the problem, is my need for god. but i replace this need with a want. boys. a couple entries down you'll see my take on it. and i'm not so sure if it's very wise. cause i have seen myself put into situations with boys that ended with me in guilt and remorse. for the boy and for me. as one of my good, honest friends put it, it's a matter of guarding one another's hearts. i don't want to be responsible for anyone's hearts until i'm ready.

at the same time, i'm sick of being passive with those sorts of relationships. just wanting them, and never going for it. never taking action. not being open to anything. being scared of anything and everything. i don't want that anymore. so, i need some sort of balance.

and at the core of everything is god. he is the core of my being. the core of everything good i could be. and i am a child of god. i am his daughter. embracing life as his child is essentially the heart of everything. of every passion i have. of all the justice i look for. of all the dreams i dream.

and yet, i don't act like it. i run away.
at camp rudolph, i wrote on my hand, "keep me put." i am tired of whenever i start drawing close to god, of finding some excuse to focus away from him. all my stupid "intellectual" crap. of how i get creeped out by christian subculture. ok, so subculture isn't good. but it IS good to step out as a believer and claim your God. and, I am not so good at doing that cause i don't want uncomfortable conversations.

nicole and i were researching a couple of religions on wikipedia. and one of them was the Bahá'í Faith. this was established as a sort of progressive spirituality in 19th century Persia. the guy who established it of course believed he was god's last true prophet. it's basically believing that religous history has been evolving through different messengers of God, through different religions. basically every religion. to establish unity in the world. peace and justice for all of mankind. moving for social justice regardless of what path you choose.

i realize in a sense, i have been following this. not in my words, but in my actions. i so little talk about Christ, and when I do, it's as a teacher. this is what Christ taught, and I am to follow it. he taught to feed the hungry, clothe the poor, bring peace, and all these good things. and i want to do all these good things. but lately i've felt a disconnect between that and my relationship with christ. and i realized what it was. i forgot what christ came to do.

just as i face temptation with boys. christ faced every essential temptation we have faced. everyone. he was tempted in the wilderness for 40 days, and faced it on a daily basis, even in his ministry. afterall, he was fully human. but since he was also fully god, he lived a blameless life. even though he faced his temptations, he never acted on a single one. and it's because of his perfect life, that we can lay down our sin. cause we can't go on and not give in to our temptations. we are not perfect. and we have turned on god. but christ came to redeem that. so that what ever i feel right now, i can put at his feet. it's not me carrying on, cause on my own i'm not whole. on my own, i might be happy, i might be content in my life, i might be loving, but i'll never feel the perfect love which drives out all fear. the perfect gift we are offered, and even as christians we refuse. the difference between christian faith and a unitarian make everyone happy faith, is the cross. christ didn't just come to deliver a message, he came to deliver us. he's the only one in history who could've done it, and he's the only one who ever could. and now, being close-minded is not an issue, cause this just could be the only truly opening, truly freeing thing there ever was, ever. other religions might make you good, loving people, but they don't offer you the breath of new life. they don't offer you PERFECT LOVE. they don't offer you redemption in complete grace. the concept of grace isn't even mentioned. they just say if you are good humans, and do this and this and that, and your heart is good, then you're solid. and that is a lie. our hearts no matter how good we come off, are never really clean. we are deprived humans, half-hearted creatures always reaching for air and never knowing what we want. christ is true not because of the good things he did on earth, but what he is to us, TODAY. and i can't believe i am not telling people about this free everlasting gift that i know.

i am so selfish. and so self-righteous.

so i guess this guy thing really isn't the heart of the matter.

i'm pulling the plug on facebook.


facebook gets in the way. of having a life. in the way of god time, in the way of homework, in the way of exploring new music online, in the way of going out and actually doing stuff, in the way of writing cause i love writing. plus the new facebook makes feel dirty just for being on it.

austa la vista, baby.


cnu continues to be a culture shock for me, from portland this past summer. it amazes me. there's good and bad things. it's really a grey area- what is better the bible belt, or the "most unchurched" city in America?
they're different, but actually about on the same level.

side note:
i didn't do the reading for my lit class today. however, that did not hinder me from discovering a poet i really liked, due to reading it in class.

it's hard for me to find poets who i actually enjoy. i see the beauty of their work, but none of it really speaks to me. this dude i read today, feels like me, if i were a man, 80 years ago, and a doctor. he'd be my buddy if he was still alive. he speaks my language. this is the poem we read (after class i started reading his other poetry and immediately fell in love):

Danse Russe- William Carlos William

If when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame white disc
in silken mists
above shining trees, --
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
"I am lonely, lonely
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"

If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades, --

Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?

dating and subculture

I feel like, maybe the past year and a half, I've put myself in a rut. This is by liking the same kid on and off, and doing absolutely nothing about it. Well, I'm not sure if I'm so interested in this kid anymore. I'm kinda tired of liking him. Like I'm just getting myself into the same pattern over and over again. However, tonight I realized something while I was cooking vegan linguine- I don't want to be "asexual" anymore. When I like a dude, I want to ACT on it. And also, this is a big one- I don't want to push away guys just because they aren't christians. I've been doing that, forever. Ultimately, I know the best idea for a long term relationship is to have someone who claims the same best friend. Yet, I feel like I'm limiting myself by not putting myself out there and not dating.

It's a popular thing in the christian circles to be passive or asexual about relationships. It's also popular in the christian circles to consider every christian kid of the opposite sex as an option. I don't want to be either of those sorta girls anymore. I want to date guys, of all kinds, to see what kind of guy I really do like. Cause, really, I have no clue what I want. And really, I find myself most attracted to guys I am not "supposed" to be attracted to. And after wondering why, I realized that there's nothing wrong with that, and I can put myself out there. I don't need to run away from guys, or sit around passively "waiting" for my prince charming to come. It's not what happens. But too much christian literature(aka lady in waiting, and any josh harris book) tells me it does.

so you know what? this semester, i will kiss dating hello.

Thoughts on Leadership and being a Christ Follower

I really did not want to go to Intervarsity leadership retreat this weekend. In fact, this past Thursday night, I had a first in a while: I went to IV and saw hundreds of people swarming everywhere, and I got nervous, frightfully nervous. I did not want to be an IV leader. I did not want to try to reach people for Christ even though that's what we're called to do, maybe with a less corny term, by Christ. I just didn't want to be a Christian. I don't really mean, I didn't want to follow Jesus anymore, I just didn't want to be a subculture Christian, getting sucked into a bubble, of happy, smiling people swarming around me. That was where I didn't want to be. I've just realized over the summer, that as much as I love CNU and the community around me here, it's me and my fellow believers. I did not have any close relationships with people who weren't christians. What's the point of being a christian if you never leave your shell?

Then on Friday night, Bekah, Jamie and I were sitting on the swings outside at Camp Rudolph. And I stared at the trees, and the stars through the trees, and couldn't help but feel completely empty. I told them I need to re-fall in love with God. That I felt disconnected from him. Like, I know his values. But I don't know him anymore. And I felt like I was stuck. Stuck at CNU, stuck on leadership, stuck in a routine I couldn't get out of. The example I find of the cycle going around and around again, is that I have liked on and off the same guy I liked on and off last year at this time. And I still act completely strange with him. After all this time. It irks me, but now I just want to stay away from him. Just because I don't want this cycle repeating.

Then Beth Gambardella spoke that night. And I had trouble not falling asleep when she was talking about Moses and him acting as a mediator between his people and God. Not that it wasn't interesting, I was just very tired and wanted to go to bed. And some point in her talk, God gave me a light slap in the face. Because what she had to say had to deal directly with what I've been going through. She said, "If you're not hungry for God, you are starving. And often when you are starving, you don't realize the drastic need you are in", or something in that jist. And I was shook. Cause I wasn't hungry for God. I was starving so much for him, being much afraid to go into prescense, much afraid for being a christian, that I didn't know how to connect. As she was talking more and more, I started crying. I don't normally cry during talks, but I did this time. I realized the difference between me now and last year, is that I am much more sober. More serious, in a not so overly serious, uptight way, but sober that I am more aware, and even more wrecked and alert to what's going on around me. It was tough to swallow. Often times I doubt if my worship to God in corporate worship is genuine, and that night it felt especially so. My voice was raised, and it didn't sound pretty. As I was singing to my King, my voice was trembling and crying. People around me were no longer a distraction. I felt completely ruined before the glory of God.

Then today, in our quiet time, we read 1 Corinthians 2. I read this not too long ago, a week before I left Portland, and it spoke to me incredibly. I realized then, I had not spend my summer interning spending time with God through actually reading what God was saying in scripture. I was letting other people be the mediators, and me, just the spectator. I was trying to cram information into me, but it didn't bring me closer to God because "knowledge pumps up."

Anyways, I sat there, doing breathing exercises to clear my mind to anything I could to talk to God. Spent some time praying and not just for myself. And then, I felt compelled to write in my journal:

"The Cross has become empty to me and who I am in Christ has no meaning left. I lean too far on the side of Christian rhetoric, on books about God and not written by him. I let man's wisdom block me from my Creator. The gospel, in turn, has become total foolishness to me. I don't know at times if I really, truly believe it or if I'm just following steps cause it's as I've always done. Part of me doesn't want to be on IV leadership due to this. It feels like a sick cycle of repeats, like I'm trapped in a naturalist play I can't get out of. Of course I can't get myself out. That's the trap. Only God can. I don't want it to be a repeat of last year. All I wanna do right now is hold God tightly and never let him go. But I can't, I'm incapable. Allow God to hold me tightly and not let me out of his grasp.
The bible has become just another book on my reading list. I am a seeker of enlightenment, not og God. I know leadership will once again be a struggle for me. I can't let the devil use tht against me. I need the Lord's spirit over me. Nothing else matters. It makes me sick how much the rest of it all matters to me more. I want eyes to see, ears to hear, and a mind to concieve. But in the meantime, I am just grabbing for air."

This weekend we learned a little bit about ourselves in relation to christian leadership, and there is a good order that is not necessarily found directly in scripture but is highly applicable to how we live lives of christian leaders. CDSL
Child, Disciple, Servant, Leader.
Jesus says that children are first in the kingdom of God. Being a child of God means being taken under his loving care. We must swallow our pride and let him do that before leadership.

I know I will have many more struggles this semester with this, but I feel myself returning quickly back to parts of myself to that time that I had "faith like a child". For example, today during stretch out time in between things, I ran circles around the room. Like a little ADD kid, yelling and chanting. And you know what. It felt quite liberating and I don't know why I don't do it more often.

God knows my name. He calls me by Janelle.

thoughts on going back to school: part 2
class act

This semester I am hoping for divine intervention in the workings of my mind. Basically saying, I am actually a big ditz who talks fancy and poetically but really knows nothing. I know very little about current events, or even history in the past 20 years. Most of what I learned in history and science class has slipped my brain. I asked this guy a couple weeks ago what this shirt he always wears means, and he informed me it was the symbol for the USSR and he doesn't know why he wears it. Such a simple thing I should've known.

I get so caught up in certain disciplines of thought, I don't really think about anything else. And I remain, completely oblivious.

The reason I am saying this is that the classes I am taking are challenging parts of my brain that I have not plugged into.

Especially nerve-wrecking is playwriting, which I have always been extremely interested in, but now I'm in it, I wonder what the hell I am doing there. I think in story-telling methods, but the way I want to tell stories would be better expressed in prose or film. I am going to be challenged here.

I am taking a music course for my film studies minor. It's about music in the movies. The class makes me feel like a fake hypocrite. Here am I, ever so picky about the music I listen to. Yet I cannot explain why. I can't describe music. It's hard for me to even pick out instruments in songs, unless they're very obvious.
Plus, I am a hypocrite with movies. Here I am wanting to make film possibly when I cannot even name the director or anyone on the crew of Amelie, one of my favorite movies. I feel like such a doofus. Why don't I pay attention?

And then there's biology. And I am getting idealistic about saving the environment. But I know nothing of the science behind it.

I can tell you now, this will be a period of lots and lots of learning. But it won't come easy. It never does.

My thoughts on the first days of school:
part 1- relationships

Going back to CNU, was like entering a realm far removed from Portland. CNU is like a small, small town. Where ever I go, I know people. In the midst of running errands and trying to get to my classes, I'd run in to about 5-15 people, I am absolutely compelled to stop where I am and greet them. Usually with the very surfaced "hi, how are you doing?" greeting. I try to mix it up, and so sound cool. Instead of always saying "have a great day!!" I'd say "take it easy" or something chill like that.
"How are you doing?" Does anyone ever want to know how you're really, truly doing?? It's programmed into us to greet this way and always respond with an answer that is more on the optimistic side.

Portland, I came knowing not one soul. I did not have this extensive social network. And I realized right away, that instead of meeting too many people, I should stick to a smaller network of tight individuals. Although that didn't happen in full, the idea of a smaller community to plug into was more prevalent in Portland. I did not know everyone at Imago Dei, and for that I am most glad.

Small talk. I hate it. I have been compelled to have about 50 small talk conversations in the past few days. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I feel like some socialite that I really am not. Even though it appears that I have many plentiful amounts of friends, I'd only prefer to have a few close ones. As hard as it is to say, I don't think I should be friends with people who I can't get into in depth conversations with. In order to have these conversations, the two of us must be comfortable being real and transparent with each other.

I dislike popularity. I have about 500 friends on facebook (this counts people who I haven't talked to in years). I have interest in most of them, as is why I am facebook friends. I am interested in different sorts of people. And I am interested in branching out and getting to know many people. But when it comes down to it, I only need a few, true friends.

Trouble is, I can't even figure point who they all are. I am an openly vulnerable person, who get into in depth conversations with more people than a lot can. So being good friends goes beyond even that. I am, for the lack of a better word, "ADD" with the relationships I am in. I float from one to the next. If I talk to one person, I am looking over at another person I want to talk to. It's horrible. As a result, I have many many friends. Yet, when crisis hits, it can be hard to identify who to turn to. Who really loves me? And whom do I really love?


I want to go beyond surfacey relationships. I want to limit my people scope to a few. Not to exclude people. But to learn how to love those whom I love.

This does not mean I need a boyfriend. Sometimes, I really really want one. Then I think, whats the point? There is a great freedom in getting to focus on more platonic relationships rather than floating on a continuous cloud 9. Whenever I do find a boyfriend, I would never wish to exclusively see him, or even drown out my other guy friends. I intend on acting as I was with all my friends. I hate when I see people go and be boyfriend/girlfriend, and then ignore everyone else. It is entirely stupid, and they'll grow sick of each other.

i really hate arguing.

and then part of me craves it, craves conflict.

i would really like to stop arguing about jesus with those who believe in the same jesus. they're no less than me, and i'm no less than them. but it seems like we always try so hard to drag each other's opinions down, and that's exactly what the devil wants.

i want to know the full truth of the gospel, and i want to share it with others. but, i don't want to start cold wars on it.

how do we straddle the line? how can we teach each other, but not hurt one another.

it seems to be something i'm not good at. i feel like i'm always offending those i care about. and then again, the gospel isn't just nice words. it's offensive and not politically correct. how can it be shared without ripping each other up?

i'm learning as i go.

I have environmentally-conscious convictions that I am starting to act upon.

Does this make me liberal?

maybe not so much. maybe extremely extremely conservative.
afterall, it hasn't been until the late 19th century that mass meat production increased in factories with the industrial revolution.

people used to either kill their food, or buy it from someone local.

this isn't some new agey idea i'm toying around with.


furthermore, liberal politics does not equate to liberal theology. and the term liberal is completely miscontrued these days. liberal does not equal godless.

scott(andreas) sent me a really good article that i'd like my friends to see, this reflects my beliefs on politics and God a lot more than what you've been seeing (my extreme decisions to go vegetarian and such leads to generalizations that has caused many to think i'm over the hedge on the liberal end)

I just found a wondrous blog : emerging women.

And what do I find on the sidebar of the blog? A conference, on the east coast, and better yet, in Virginia Beach. I am often skeptical of women's retreats and stuff because they get corny and too touchy-feely... but this conference seems to dialogue more like a conversation.

" We hope to facilitate discussions directly related to women, encouraging them to boldly emerge as leaders in this 21st Century. The conversations are inclusive of a diversity of leadership styles and opportunities. All women will have a voice at the table to dialogue, to learn and to advance our journeys of Christian spiritual formation."

yesssss.

and for students, it's only 25 dollars.

who wants to go with me??!

I find often that my spirit is willing and my flesh lacks behind like a snail.

I want to love people of lower economic standing than me. I feel a huge part of the gospel is social justice. It's seen everywhere, with the sexually- wounded pluralist woman at the well (john 4), with the good samaritan (luke 10), Jesus intervening in the lives of outcasts- the sick, the mentally handicapped, the paralyzed, the lepers, the prostitutes, the tax collectors, the smelly fishermen. Jesus came for them. For the broken in this world.

I know this and understand this with my mind. But then why is it, that when I get on the bus, I ignore people who look like they're "white trash" who could be on meth. Why do I ignore those of ethnic backgrounds? Why do I pass the homeless on the street, not acknowledging their total need. The way I act, you'd think I hate them.

I don't though. I live in fear. Fear that I don't know what to say. Fear that I won't know what to do. Fear that I will fail, and they would hate Christ forever because of me.

O, I am a prideful wretch, aren't I?

My friend Monica was talking about an old friend whose a meth addict, living on the streets of portland with no where to go. She's been thinking a lot about him, wanting to do something. But she doesn't know what to do. what to say.

i was thinking out loud about setting up a water stand. and give out free cups of water. it was a thought. water is good. i feel like the need is greater.

and then later on today, i started reading a Burnside Writers article.

"It’s not a final “solution” to homelessness. Sometimes, all we can hope for is to help someone right now, at this very moment. It’s something you can do that you know in your heart will help them get through this day, and perhaps the next. "

This guy suggests making backpacks for the homeless. Go spend that 20 dollars you were gonna go to buy that cute skirt or that concert ticket, on basic needs...food, a blanket, a tarp, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, a washcloth, a garbage bag and a bible, etc.

then when you see that same person on the street corner, you can give them something from the bag, or give them the entire bag! you could just leave it with them. or maybe come back again and start a repoitroire. choose a spot in a city. pray over it. and then..go!

it's not the end all, no. but its meeting very practical needs for people who suffer a great deal each day.

for more info, go to

www.backpacksforthehomeless.org

this shows what heaven could be like. or what i imagine it to be.



An Allegory




BIGSTONEHEAD.NET

is where i found this amazing piece

Last summer I attended an evangelical missions conference in West London. This turned out to be a shock to my prior bible-belt raised mentality. Where did a great amount of people gather in their free time? In the pub, right down the street. Being in London with a college/post-college team that only consisted of five dudes besides me, the token female, my team was found in the pub almost every night during free time. Amongst the dwellers were members of the leadership team. We christians packed out this place.

It was there I had my first public consumption of alcohol. It was quite laughable to me, that I was able to drink. We hung out there, smoking cloves and cigars, and laughing and talking in our obnoxious American way. My friends claimed that I was drunk one night, just because i wrapped my long hair around my face and proceeded to act like Aslan. My weird behavior was not completely spurred by alcohol consumption as they thought. Indeed, I am able to appear drunk with nothing but coffee, water, and carbs loaded up in my system. Although I drank some, and smoked more, I never had more than one glass a night.

It was quite a sight to see a bunch of evangelical christians all stumbling together on the way home from the pub, which closed at 11pm every night. A sight that'd be locked in my mind's photo bank for a long time.

This summer, I came from Virgina to the Rose City, to live, be an arts ministry intern, and experience the cultural life that the Dogwood state seemed to lack in. In my time at Imago Dei, I have observed the frequent communal visits to the pubs- for happy hour, for movies, or for rock shows. None, that I, the 20 year old , could actively partake in.

The rock shows are what really gets under my skin. One thing I was excited about, coming to Portland, was the endless nights of musical entertainment. So far, the only thing I've gone to is the Blues Festival. I've been deprived. Deprived of a rich indie music scene I had so longed for.
I decided not to let it get me down. Afterall, there were other all-ages venues (as terribly expensive as they may be). But then, all at once, I found a stream of artists coming to town in July, that I would've been at their show in a moment's notice, if only I were a year older. The Appleseed Cast, David Bazan, Tilly and the Wall, Denison Witmer, among countless others. It keeps happening. All at bars, pubs, lounges, whatever term you'd have for it. And it really pisses me off.

Virginia might not have a rich music scene, but one thing it does have, is access. Access to clubs and bars even if you are not 21. Most of those places will let you in at 18, just with marked huge X's on your hand. These X's might be somewhat depraving, but they do work. With a X on my hand I can go almost everywhere. There was just one concert this year I wanted to go to, but couldn't because I wasn't 21. That actually, was yet again, Mr. Bazan. I hung my head in grief when I found out yet again he was in my reachable range, and yet again I'd be considered a minor.

When I talk about my alcoholic rights I should possess, most of my friends just think I'm obsessed with alcohol. But I can live fine without alcohol, I just want the music. The music is all I want. Why can't they mark X's on your hand at these Portland spots. Are they so afraid of the immature 18-20 year old crowd? Seriously, there are no big maturity differences between a 21 year old and I. The only real differences between a 25 year old and I is real world experience and potentially a college degree.

First of all, I think the drinking age in America needs to be changed. And I'll still support that after my birthday next year.

But for now, these clubs really must consider marking X's on the hands of us "minors". Really, it'd save a lot of grief.

wake up in the morning
i shall wake up, and so shall you
and I, wake up
the sun is beautiful
and it is warming you and I
as fragile as we lie

-eisley


today, my alarm went off.
i realized that my mind knows what my heart cannot grasp.

i woke up to truth.
i cannot carry myself in my relationship with christ. i know this is my mind. not in my heart.

there needs to be a connection. sometimes it's there. on too rare an occasion.

i want to live a life that's confident. not an arrogant, humanistic confidence. but a humble, active, pursuing confidence. one that's unafraid of consequences, fearless of diving in and taking risks. i don't put up that front, but sometimes I am all too petrified and timid. it mostly comes from pride.

i focus too much on the external. on my prided image. like all humans, my flesh is completely devoted to me. how i look to the outside world.

i cracked open my bible, and actually spent a good amount of time reading.
i read the sermon on the mount. it's horribly too convicting, being the performer i am.
i looked up chapter 6 under the message version.

"Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding. When you do something for someone else, don't call attention to yourself. You've seen them in action, I'm sure—'playactors' I call them— treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that's all they get. When you help someone out, don't think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out.

And when you come before God, don't turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat?

Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.

The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this:
Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right;
Do what's best— as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You're in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You're ablaze in beauty!
Yes. Yes. Yes."

Vegetarian Diaries

Day one- Saturday, July 8
Today, Marie and I hung out and when we got to Cha! Cha! Cha!, we both realized we were hungry. I ordered a chicken fajita burrito and she ordered nachos. As we were eating, we talked about several things, such as vegetarianism. I've been thinking about becoming a vegetarian for a few weeks now, but have pushed it out of my head cause I thought it'd be too hard. As I was talking to Marie, I realized that in my heart it was something I felt convicted to do.

Not like eating meat is immoral. It does state in the bible that we can eat meat. But the way animals get treated before getting slaughtered is cruel. Plus the mass farmers feed them anything, just about anything to make them fat. Have you ever thought that as you're eating your steak you could also be eating a cat? Cause if they find a dead cat on the farm, they sure as hell will feed it to their livestock. Plus, the way the livestock is raised is wasteful. They use lands that could well be used for vegetation, for the full use of the livestock. Each pound of meat, has about 5-15 pounds of grain in it. You know how much hungry people that grain could feed? So basically, my reasons for going vegetarian are
-environmental sustainability
-ethical problems on mass farms
-world hunger (using our resources well)
-general health
The last one is a kind of selfish reason. I would like to see how vegetarinism effects my energy and diet. Food often has a very fatiguing effect on me, and after I eat most of the time, I feel like physical activity is the last thing on my list. At 20, my health is all well. But in 10, 20, 30 years, it's scary to think of how my health will be doing.

So, I decided in my heart and in mind, that chicken fajita burrito would be the last one I ate. And to be honest, it really didn't taste as good eating it that last time, as it was other times. After that on Saturday, I did pretty well. For lunch, I had strawberries,soy chips with provolone cheese (yes, cheese is a dairy product, therefore from the same mistreated animal. However, for health reasons, I chose not to be vegan). For dinner, I feasted on fried zucchini, cucumber salad, peas, and bread, provided by the Park family's leftovers. There was also chicken teriyaki up for the grabs, but I made the conscious effort not to eat it.

Day 2- Sunday, July 9
As with every sunday here in Portland, I woke up at the early hour of 6am. I decided that an adequate breakfast would be a priority over something like, putting makeup on. I ate two strawberries, blueberries in my chai ice cream, and snacked on some peas.

My digestive track, does seem to be needing to get used to this new diet. But once, I am settled in, it shouldn't be too much of a bother.

For church, I had plenty of energy as I was running around, helping with set-up, manning the sacred space/book table, and helping in kids community.

After church, and a hot bus ride home, I passed out on my bed, until 5:15pm. I was dead tired (I had an exhausting past week, and getting up so early on Sundays always takes something). Getting up was even hard to do. Before the great nap, I did eat some veggies, fruits and bread once again.

I went to home community, where there was a potluck. The turn out was smaller tonight and the only vegetarian option was chips, and I thought, pasta salad. I ate some pasta salad, but then realized there were bits of bacon in it. Not wanting to waste food though, I finished it off. Then later in the evening, my hunger pangs struck again, and I was desperately craving protein. They had barbecued some hot dogs, very plump, nice looking hot dogs, and there were still a bunch left. Leslie said that what wasn't eaten would be thrown out. It was sad to me to see any sort of food go to waste, and being hungry, I gave in and grabbed a hot dog.

It was good for 2 seconds, but then I felt sick. I have felt sick from eating hot dogs before, it isn't uncommon. But this one(with those bacon bits), just did not settle right at all after the last 24 hours. I knew after this, craving those sort of meats wouldn't be a problem again.

I got home, and my roommate and her friends were eating Baja Fresh. mmmmm. I got offered a chicken quesadilla, and turned it down. I took out the veggies from the fridge and dipped them in the baja salsa and guacamole. I also ate some chips, and some grapes. Drank some organic lemonade leftover from the Sacred Space Ceili. I felt a whole lot better. Then we went to Baskin Robbins, and I got a scoop of thin mint and a scoop of tranquility tea. Ice cream, isn't very healthy of course. But it is good. Especially in the summertime.

My whole life, I have been very dependent on meat. I especially love chicken, and my parents' meatballs. I never really liked veggies a lot. Especially raw veggies. However, as I am eating them more, I'm taking more of a liking to them. Being a vegetarian will be hard for me, and I feel like it's gonna be a process. I will eat meat every once in awhile, until I can completely cut it out of my life. Beef won't be as hard as chicken will be(except the meatballs). And as far as red meat goes, I never really liked it. This is certainly a great challenge for me, but I feel like it's a good choice. I don't have any big holdbacks in switching over.

I am developing some weird, twisted sickness.

I will call it post- high school nostalgia

By all means, I do not want to go back to high school. Not at all.

But I miss the people who I knew there. The classes, even some of the ridiculous teachers I had who made life interesting, and I miss complaining about them...

The people who I hung out with at lunch, on the carpet or in the lobby in the morning as I was still waking up, the kids i sat with at young life club and sang songs with, and got rides to McDonalds, the kids who I walked by in the hallway each day who I never talked to, but just that we saw each other in the hallway established some sort of bond.

I look back at all the times I begged people to give me rides, my lack of attendance for the football games and my lack of care for the school even though I was on yearbook and participated in the senior skit. My will to change things, to go against the status quo (even though i often just assimilated into the crowd). I miss the political arguments I had with people. Even though I had no idea what I was talking about, I argued passionately and with vigor. I miss the crazy musicals and plays, and the backstage always filled with as much drama as what was up onstage. I miss key club and crazy Mrs. Beardsley. I miss the geeks, the freaks, the socialites, the superstars, the outcasts, the preps(85% of my school, just about), the downright eccentric kids who ran around with capes on, the little scene kids (there were hardly any scene kids my year and the year after, but sophomores and freshman mostly consisted of them).

I don't miss my self-righteous ways. How I shut people out just because they were "messy".
I don't miss always feeling out of the loop. Always feeling left out. Not a part of anything. And maybe that's because I withdrew so much. Not only was I afraid of giving people a chance, I was afraid of giving myself a chance, because even though i didn't "drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, party it up", I was the messiest person of all. And I didn't want anyone to ever see it.

I don't long to go back. But as I'm sitting here, on a chair, in a house, in Portland Oregon, thousands of miles away from where I grew up, I want to enter back into relationship with my Manassasen peers. With everyone from "heathenistic" Osbourn Park, with everyone from church and young life who I started feeling cut off from, as I felt they exemplified the "pretty" christian as I was a horrible wreck. With people who I hated at school. With people who I only had superficial relationships with. With people who I was in long friendships with, and all of a sudden, college hits, and I don't speak to them again.

I feel so broken off from them. I dream about them every night. I always dream about the past. I still feel as though I'm in relationship with Manassas, Va, but that it's broken off. That when I went off to college and lost my contacts, I said "screw you Manassas. it's over. i'm done with you." this was solidified with spending a summer in oregon rather than manassas.

i thought i could throw away my relationship with my hometown. that i could disown it. i can't. it'll be with me always.

all i wanna do now, is become friends with people i knew from high school. no matter how i felt about them. i want to enter back into the mess that is manassas. to follow christ in his reincarnation.

but i'm in portland.

i don't think it's a bad thing i'm here either. i think i belong here this summer. i think being here made me realize the huge loss in my life. the quality and diversity of manassas.

but overall, i have spent hardly anytime in manassas this year. fall break, i was working backstage on proof, so i stayed at cnu. winter break, i worked at borders in manassas, but 40 hours a week. i was too exhausted to pour my time into anything else, plus the lack of a car held me back a lot. spring break, i went to the beach with a bunch of cnu kids. i spent like 2 days home. easter, i stayed at school. summer, well as you can tell i am not there. i've been avoiding that place like the plague.

and now i miss it. after all of that.

even if i were back. it'd probably be hopeless. i feel like i don't have much in common with much of those people. i don't have anything to talk about with them. i feel like it'd be a worthless cause.
but maybe it wouldn't.

i love my friend bekah. she is so so very beautiful. i read this and i thought that this was just too amazing to just stay on her myspace blog.

"So there is this homeless man who is always outside of our walmart who stands on the corner near the stop sign to get in and out. Every time i go to wal-mart, i'm with my mom, and as we leave, we have to stop at the stop sign. I am in the passenger seat, and my mom does such a good job of ignoring him. It almost angers me how unaffected she is by it, because i feel so ashamed every time i'm in that passenger seat and i pass him by.

Today as i was leaving CNU after 8 hours of work, God really put this guy on my heart. I decided that I would go to walmart, and if he was there, I would buy some stuff there and give it to him. Then as I was driving home, I started to freak out. What if he was there, but I was too scared to take action. God spoke to me kind of loud, and pretty much made it clear that if i didn't stop, this man would die. So i could choose. which...definitely pushed me.
so i drove home and to walmart...and he was there.

i went inside and freaked about what i should get him. His sign always says homeless and hungry. help. so i went to the food isle. Having just bought my car, i don't really have much money...actually i'm in debt about 300 dollars to my mom. So i looked for something cheap. I bought a super huge bag of animal crackers, a big thing of gatorade, and a little book with scripture passages [because i wanted him to know it didn't come from me, it came from god, cuz i sure wouldnt have done it if he hadnt told me to]. On the way out, I also felt really called to get a cold bottle of water from the front for him. I went out and gave it to him, and when i did, it started pouring. When i handed him the bag, I mentioned that the water was cold, and then I mumbled that i should have got him an umbrella. He smiled, and then said thank you and that he had been dying of thirst.

Then i left. when i got in my car, i started crying. i had to pull over cuz it was so rainy and i couldn't see out of my eyeballs and i just had to pray.
but for some reason...i felt worse than i did before. I feel like what i gave was crappy. i wished that i could do something so much bigger. i wished that i didnt have to do it behind my mother's back. i wished that i didn't feel like i did it for myself. i wished that i hadn't said something so stupid to him.

now i don't think he would have really died if i hadn't given him anything; i think that is was more of a motivation to make sure that i did what i needed to do. i do, however, think that i would have died if i hadn't acted. spiritually that is. this much i do know: he had been dying of thirst, but so had i. it's really not enough to learn about passages like the good samaritan, analyze them, and know what is good and what is not. if you keep on staring ahead, you havn't really learned anything.

now what i did made me feel like i suck in about 100 new ways, but i did try. i took action on something that i felt passionatly about, and i feel like that is a step in the right direction.and just now i decided i was still really not at peace with the whole situation, so i opened the bible to a random page and read the passage. i came right to matthew 10, which is when jesus sends the 12 apostles on their way. the whole thing is pretty startling. it calls for action, and a lot of it. it is very bold, very scary, and yet very encouraging. jesus let's the diciples know how hard their journey is going to be, yet how filfilling.the passage itself is pretty long so i won't post the whole thing, but you should read it if you have time because it is so vivid.I will, however, leave you with this- my peace for tonight. the very last line of the passage.

"And if you give even a cup of cold water to one of the least of my followers, you will surely be rewarded."

God is perfection. "

Greetings, friends!

To be quite honest, sometimes as I am walking about the neighborhoods of Portland, navigating the bus system, working in the office, or even taking part of a ministry or a cultural event, I feel quite sad. I wonder why I feel this way, and sometimes I just don't feel "real". Not real as in honest or genuine, but real as in breathing and living and finding all the potentials. I've noticed this from being around people who seem so real in this sense to me. They actively pursue life and fight for joy. I see this and wonder why I just hang back. Sometimes I feel so cut off from what's really going on. I feel a certain disconnect that I can't reconcile in either my social times or lone times. Portland is amazing, really. I just have had a spirit problem for a long time. Something that I subconciously believed that being in Portland might fix. But of course it hasn't. Only God can fix it. I go to him, I feel consistently. But I feel like it can be in vain. Sometimes I feel most narcissistic when I am going before God, because I feel like I'm just trying to take, take, take from the relationship. I only really seem to give with the hopes of recieving. I feel most of the time, my relationship with God is focusing only on what I can get out of it. I. I. Fuckin' I. I'm sick of myself. I realize that I'm not feeling the same joy as I used to, cause part of me absolutely hates myself. Most of you might be surprised to read this i'm sure. I'm so damn good at acting like a perky, energetic person.

Why am I sharing this? I have friends who don't like that I get so personal in my blogs. 1) I want to be real (in a genuine sense of the word) and 2) I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I'd like you to be reminded that you're not alone and 3) so you're open to share and stop pretending that everythings just "good" (as we often respond when we're asked how we're doing).

Anyways, I just read this out of the Brothers K, and it really hit me. And it helped me to realize what my problem I felt looked like. Cause 'til now, I couldn't write it out.

"There are kinds of human problems which really do seem, as our tidy expressions would have it, to "come to a head" and "demand to be dealt with." But there are also problems, often just as serious, which come to nothing that we can recognize or openly deal. Some long-lived, insidious problems simply slip us off to one side of ourselves. Some gently rob us of just enough energy or faith so that days which once took place on a horizontal plane become an endless series of uphill slogs. And some- like high water working year after year at the roots of a riverside tree- quietly undercut our trust or our hope, our sense of place, or of humor, our ability to empathize, or to feel enthused, and we don't sense impending danger, we don't feel the damage at all,
till one day, to our amazement, we find ourselves crashing to the ground."

i have a really good friend out there, thinking of me. and i know she's not the only one. :)

handmade card from bekah

a love letter included

back of the card

anklets she MADE me

my ugly foot with pretty anklets



i heart my best friend.
i love and miss all my friends from va.
i bought stationary today. expect love letters soon. unless you're a boy. you'll get a cool postcard. but only if you really want it.

this picture, and some worse ones before it were the starting point of my still life photo shoot today. i know hardly anything about photography, nor the rules of still life. it's fun though to fake it. i think my pictures gradually get better.

the subject- a flower i made in kids community, where i was helping out on sunday. this day was a be good to your earth cause god made it day. the kids took recycled materials, and invented something out of them. out of recycled materials, i made this flower.

what else used:
salt
foil
petals
yellow flowers
light
brown table



i took like 50 pictures...i picked what i thought was the best in the wee hours of the morning

i feel like i am waking up to a truth, that has just been unfolding to me in the past year.

the truth that we really do need to take better care of our planet. that i, as a person, should take steps in my lifestyle to help this.

sometimes waking up is disruptive.

i have a lot of past assumptions, and ideals that really contradict this new way of thinking.

one of the biggest things, is that i'm worried about what certain people i hole close to me would think. they think that many envrionmentalists go over board, but i don't know with these issues at hand, if there is such a thing as going over board.

but man, i hate this. it's so hard to start really believing in something when you're deep-seeded in doubting the whole thing as a kinda hoax, dismissing it as a joke.

i don't think that individual people are wrong. the people i'm worried about have really, really good hearts, but perhaps have confused politics with ethics.


i'm becoming more of an environmentalist. and i don't know. i wonder how i will be when i return to va. it's easy to believe in such things here in portland. and i really feel i would feel a lot differently if i was only changing just cause the culture i am in is telling me differently.


i'm not a fan of al gore.
i wish the documentary focused more on how we can change the planet, then have shots of him and his politcal career. it sent out the message, wow look at al gore. he is such a hero of a good cause. i think it was awakening documentary at the same time. and i wish that both parties cared equally about the issue of global warming. because i know first hand, that republicans haven't so much.



i want to see a new party rise up....a party that cared about issues that God cares about....
it could be called the pro-life party, adding on to the meaning of pro-life as just matters of letting babies live, and extending the pro-life attitude further...some important values of it might be...
-educational benefits to all who desire for it (even people who can't afford to go to good colleges)
-a job market that keeps the country's economy running while making room for the millions who are unemployed and welcoming them. encouraging programs that help people get and maintain jobs
-adequate healthcare for all
-the banning of abortion, except in cases of rape,incest,and threat of a mother's life
-promoted love and toleration for all (this means angry marches outside of clinics and slanderous words used towards the "immoral" are not proper ways of effecting change)
-an encouraging campaign for people to give directly to global causes (rather than just giving money to goverments who don't use it to help their people, or giving more money to the American government, out of necessity, rather than out of a loving sacrifice)
-encourage and enable people to make good means of their resources, recycle, and reduce the pollution that big and little companies make
-encourage the use of cars that don't require gasoline (being good stewards of our resources)
-encouraging and enabling small businesses to run, rather than just relying of huge corporations that exploit people's labor in developing countries
- less focus on celebrities in the media, and more focus on issues outside of consumer-material ideals
-give to non-prof organizations that truly do show that they help people
-use of ethics in politics, rather than politics driven on greed and image

there's probably a lot more to this dream party, but i'm ignorant on a whole lot of issues. anyways, this is just a list of ideals. but i really do think that most christians or morally ethic people i know have become apathetic to politics because of the extremism in parties. so, maybe it's time for a moderate party that can approach humanistic issues in practical ways i don't even know about, cause i'm politically dumb.