Calling and Holy Discontent

This topic has become all too redundant.

I wish someone could just point to what I'm supposed to go do after I graduate.

There are so many options out there. But there are too many. Searches become tired and futile.

I want it to find me. I don't want to worry my head off about finding it.

I want to do ministry. Well, there are many, many ministry oppurtunities out there. So many. My problem is not even being able to find them. I cannot discern what I should do.

The problem is:
I no longer know exactly what my "holy discontent" is.

Holy discontent is a problem you hate living with. You are passionate about seeing it changed. You will not stand for it to be left neglected. You cannot passively interact with it. It's your passion. It's your purpose, what Christ has called you to do in his Church.

Holy discontent is not static, it can be changing.

I'm discontented by a whole lot of things. I have little passions spread out everywhere, but no BIG passion. I want that passion though. I need it.
I wish someone would tell me what it is.

My holy discontent has been ever changing. Last year it was social injustice and poverty, and even though I am still outraged by the two, my personal passion has wavered. Why? My motivations for this discontent. I was motivated by the guilt of being a middle-class white person who is among the richest in the world. I felt a revolting guilt that sickened me when I thought about how much I had. But then I went to Kenya, and at the Missionaries of Charity, God showed me that I wasn't there out of love. I was there out of guilt.

So this is my current-shaping-subject- to- interpret- later-highly ambiguous holy discontent:
I don't want to perform works for the wrong reason. I want to love people. I want to listen to them. And actually be there with them. Walk alongside people.

But first I have to love God and love myself. And that's what I'm working on. And it seems selfish. I don't want to be so me-focused that I ignore other peoples' spiritual needs, but I want to fill up on God so his love can pour out on others.

I would love to be impassioned about social injustice again and really strive to make a difference in someone's life. And really make true and honest cross-cultural relationships. But I don't want to do it for my own glory. I don't want a passion for social justice to project self-righteousness on everyone else.

I alienated a lot of people last year. My family. Some friends. People who are not my friends. Because I was legalistic, self-righteous and angered.

But no, right now I need to love. And that is my holy discontent. And as to my calling, how does this become concrete? There are many, many ways to love. I don't know how God will use me. I don't know how he is calling me to love people. There are so many different things I can do.

And even though I want to go to seminary, that doesn't seem like the complete answer.
I don't know what the complete answer is, and I guess I need to rest in not knowing.

Tony, one of my Kenya GP buddies recently sent me an encouraging facebook message:

"i read your last email about trying to figure out life after undergrad...well, i got news for you - it doesn't get any easier after you graduate from college. so, the process is really the most important thing - how you go about asking the Lord for direction and guidance. my professor in chapel just shared his thoughts on this the other day - some things I remember him saying were - hold to God's sovereignty - and remember that God is more interested in you finding your calling than even you are - all to the praise of His glory."

I needed to hear that. Thanks, man.The good thing is that we're always becoming. This problem I have now I will still have in 20 years. How is this good? Because I will always need to lean completely on God for my direction and my purpose. Jesus commands my destiny. Bwana Asifiwe.

Idea Time!!

For fiction writing, I decided to do a re-telling of the story of Hosea and Gomer. quick, inadequate overview: God commanded Hosea to marry a prostitute and have children of her, and when she would run off with other lovers to not divorce her, but to lure her back to himself. This reflected God's relationship with Israel. She ran off, many many times.

some thoughts

It'd likely be from Gomer's POV. I want to go into her history and he thoughts and motivations for going after other lovers.

I want it to be told from a modern day perspective. So therefore, some details will need to change.

Gomer's fear of intimacy and her journey from fear and lonliness to genuine belonging and being loved.

Anyone who is familiar with the book of Hosea have any thoughts?

Last night at InterVarsity large group, during worship, I was led to this verse:

Arise, shine, for your light has come
and the glory of the LORD has risen upon you.
For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the LORD will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
And nations shall come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your rising.
- Isaiah 60:1-3 (esv)

As I read this, tears swelled up in my eyes. I've been struggling seriously with depression and anxiety lately. This has actually gone on for a long time, but it was put under closer magnification since I've gotten back to Kenya. Darkness had shrouded over my life and everything seemed at a total loss. I experienced a genuine lifting of this darkness a few weeks ago, but that doesn't mean it doesn't creep back up on me when I'm least likely to notice. But there is a present glory. It causes me to stand up and rise. Even though at one instant, my flesh rebels against this glory, the next it fills my heart, overflowing that I cannot help but pour it out on others. The LORD does lead us into times of struggle, even times of great depression (as the speaker at IV noted last night), but he also leads us out. These times in the desert make us more vulnerable, more in need of his glory to shine down on us. Think about the desert and how isolated it is. How open it is. How desolate yet how intimate when you come in from a place of deep faith.

I don't often notice other people. I don't often pray for the community even though I have a burning desire to be part of genuine community. Yet this verse led me to pray for everyone in the room. Everyone hurts so much. Everyone is experiencing some kind of despair in their life at one time or another. Yet, we bottle up and don't let it out. We hide it from others for several reasons. I do it because I feel like a downer or a burden to other people when I talk. Yet, that's not what we should do. It only represses the pain until it gets bigger and overpowering. We need to talk to each other. We need to be intentional. We need to be open. We need to encourage one another. And help each other shine. The Lord does it, but he often uses us as his vessels.

I always write in here when I have something due hanging over my head. Right now, I should be writing (revising) some fantastic fiction scenes, but I'm more than just a little tired.

I want to address a very weak part of my spirituality:

Being.

Resting in God's arms.


When people talk about cuddling up with Jesus, I kinda want to barf. I'm not very affectionate by nature and this is probably why. However, lately I've been experiencing God more than cognitively.


He is wooing me.

Yes!!

I feel like God is taking me where I am and breathing some lifeforce back into my being. He's bringing me to a place where I don't just desire to study him I desire to be with him.

But, I still fall into the same routine sometimes.

I researched post-grad options for almost 3 hours Tuesday night. It was completely fruitless, though it did confirm some things I will not be doing after I graduate. God kept on nudging me. I could feel it. He was telling me not to worry. Everything will be alright. I have plans for you.

And then randomly a song came to my head. And I wandered around my house singing it:

Ho-ho-ho-ly
Ho-ho-ho-ly
is the Lord God Almighty

Ho-ho-ho-ly
Ho-ho-ho-ly
is the Lord God Almighty


Heaven and Earth are filled with his praises
Heaven and Earth are filled with his love
Heaven and Earth are filled with his praises
Holy is the Lord God Almighty

Holy is the Lord, God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come!...

I kept singing that. Repeating those words. Not cognitively knowing why I was singing. Just singing. Being led in the Spirit. Reflecting on the words without trying to go into some big definitions of what Holiness is.

Being still and knowing he is God. And that he is with me.

People act like holiness is a thing that should shame us. Because God is so mighty and we are nothing. And while that's true in some sense, it's not complete. God's holiness is good news to us and it leads us into peace, rather than fear. Unless we make it bad news.

I have cringed from his Holiness even though I know the Good News in my head. It's something that needs to be affirmed in our hearts, enlightening us there.

Some of you may be confused when reading this. Maybe wondering what I'm talking about.

The Good News in a far too brief summary:
God was in existence, in relationship with himself, being three in one- Father, Son, Spirit.
God created us in his image, to be in relationship with Him. We turned our backs on Him and did what is evil in his eyes. Since God's perfection cannot be contradicted, he could no longer be in relationship with us. The Father sent his Son to live here on earth, and he died as payment for our sins. Because of this we can have relationship with God, through knowing Jesus Christ. We follow him or we don't and when we decide to follow Jesus, we die to ourselves- to our ambitions, our goals. We give everything we are up to him. He gives us a new Identity. We are brought back to life with him. We have eternal life and we can experience eternity with Him, now! At this very moment.

And as crazy and absurd as that sounds, it's the best news I have ever known.

Plans

A typical conversation with someone I have not seen in awhile:

-- Wow, you're graduating this year! Remind me what your major is?
--English.
-- Oh good! You're gonna be a teacher!
-- I don't know. I'm not going for my teaching degree.
-- Journalism?
-- No. Creative Writing.
-- Oh! Good for you! Way to do something you love!
-- (nods)
--What are you gonna do when you graduate?
--I have no idea.
-- You still have time! It's OK!


I walk away and hang my head down for awhile. Sometimes in these conversations, I expose my secret- I want to do ministry. But that doesn't mean I know what ministry and I do not know how long after graduation I'll start pursuing it. My parents have imprinted the idea in me that I need to get a "real world" job after I graduate to at least establish a living before I go into the depths of pastoral poverty.

Different options I'm considering after graduation:

-go to seminary (although I have to pay for it myself and I've been told that it's good to do ministry a couple years before).
- get a teaching certificate and try to sub at schools (maybe go for one of those teach abroad programs)
-get an entry-level editor job(yipee.)
-join the PeaceCorps
-pursue a writing career (chuckles)
-jump right into missions work and the insanity that is fundraising (maybe Africa Inland Missions, IV staff, IV link, etc)
-not find any work or oppurtunities and end up working at a bookstore or other place of retail or restaurant in Manassas hell until something comes my way

I really need to be in prayer. I really need to trust completely in God. Depend on Him.

That sounds nice and flowery, but it's hard. That is vulnerably placing myself, not in my will, but in the will of someone else. It is releasing control of my life.

Romans 12:1-2 has long been one of my favorite scriptures, but only recently has it come into new light.

Therfore, I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer up your bodies as living sacrifices- holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Dependence on God's will= giving yourself up as a living sacrifice.

That doesn't sound too pretty, does it? It means enduring the pain and frustration that comes. It means humbling yourself and putting others first.

Giving up our lives and our plans to God is worship.

I never thought of that. But it is. It's glorifying God.

Worship is not just singing praise to God. It's being a living sacrifice.
It doesn't conform to what the world says.

The world tells me to succeed and make lots of money.
The world tells me I should do things for the good of myself before the good of the people ( And very little for God). They say it's nice that I'm a do-gooder. Good for you!
The world tells me I should always have a plan set ahead of me, and follow that plan.
The world tells me that I have control of my life, and that I have the oppurtunity to invent myself and who I want to be.
The world tells me that my work is who I am.


But that's not what I believe in, praise the Lord. By God's good grace, he's shown me that I do not want the things of the world. He has given me identity in Him.

Rather than conforming to the world's standards, my mind continually needs to be renewed. But it's not an easy process. Being a Christian is not easy. When God transforms us, he refines us, like fire to silver. It hurts.

But there's a promise- in my spiritual act of worship God will show me his will for my life. I might have to test and question different choices and get them approved. It's not always a burning bush, or a neon arrow sign(like I long for). Sometimes it's making a hypothesis and testing it out. But by submitting myself over to God, I can trust him to carry out the procedure and bring me to what conclusion he would have me be at.

Everyone and their aunt quotes Jeremiah 29:11, for hope in God's plans (the carriers of the prosperity gospel spill it out in almost every one of their sermons.) But we don't often read the context around it. First of all, Jeremiah is one of the most depressing books of the Bible. Jeremiah is sent out by God as a "doomsday" prophet. Believe me, he wasn't very popular. He was a pretty lonely guy, all he had was God and his scribe. He had some pretty scary revelations about the fate of the Hebrew people in his time. And in all of that, it is written:

"This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."
-Jeremiah 29:10-14

Thank God we are taken out of captivity by faith in Jesus Christ! Bwana asifiwe! But it's no doubt that we struggle through this, and in our fleshly bodies, still long to be released from our chains. I can take hope that Jeremiah did actually believe this when he wrote it down. I try to picture his reaction when God revealed this to him. "Uhhh...Are you sure God? Really??"

But he gives us a promise that Jeremiah, "the weeping prophet," put full trust in. And it's happening. All we have to do is open our eyes.

Good Vibrations and Christ-inspired Creativity

Tonight, I am going to a HearHope benefit that is being held in response to the genocide in Darfur, to raise awareness and funds.

I am very excited about all the musicians who will be there. But I gotta be honest; I am kind of partial to Josh Garrels. He's performed at my school a few times and I have been there for each show. His lyrics are profound and prophetic and his beats get you hoppin, or in the state of ultimate chill out mode. I like to listen to him when I'm bike riding, doing chores, or smoking my new Kenyan pipe.

On his website, he wrote something that very much moves me as a Christian who embraces the arts and change in the world. And I thought I'd share it with whoever is reading:

About an month ago, my wife and I rented a documentary that we'de been hoping to see for quite some time. We closed the blinds on a Saturday afternnoon and sat down to watch "Favela Rising". The film documents the transformation of one of the most violent slums in Rio de Janeiro, through the use of music and art. Amidst murder, drug wars, and corrupt politics, a group rises up within the war torn ghetto, and they begin to fight for the restoration of their families and neighborhood using the non-vioent weaponry of rhythm, dance, and prophetic poetry. Eventually this fire sparks a movement that in turn affects other neighborhoods, cities, slowly rippling out to the world. Whenever I find examples of the arts being used as a tool of restoration, social justice, prophecy, and liberation, something resounds deep in my spirit. In a culture where the arts are largely used for entertainment or to fuel an arrogant pride in ones aesthetic sophistication, there's something refreshing and hopeful about the possibility of art being used to bring true change. What if there is a dimension to creativity that is powerful beyond our assumptions? We forget, or refuse to believe, in stories such as that of King Jehoshaphat, who sent musicians out in front of his army in the day of battle praising God with with drums and with their voices. When they came upon their enemy (who were much more numerous than they were), the wicked men had already slayed themselves in a spirit of confusion (2nd Chronicles 20). I believe that this generation is hungry for meaning, and is attracted to an authentic process as the basis for judging the final product. As this relates to the arts, I believe more and more people are growing tired of expensive media fluff, and are realizing that the satisfaction it brings is short lived, tiring, and ultimately unhealthy (kind of like fast food). We want fresh food, with no hormones, pesticides, or preservatives! Back to the source. We want art that comes from the deep, natural part of humanity, which will in turn nourish the souls of mankind, making men strong, vibrant, and able to step up into their God given identity. As I step towards a lifestyle of making music full time, I do not presume to lay hold of this vision, or power of creativity all at once. In many ways I feel like I'm slowly making my way through the maze of this matrix, leaving flags posted here and their to remind me of where I've been. Becasue this particular pattern is all we've known, stepping out of the pattern and into a new one, is a long process in an of itself. I've had to recognize how often I have no idea what the next step is, I'm tempted to turn back, but just then the next step will be revealed by some divine, timely revelation. And I move forward with what I've been shown. And this applies to much more than the creative process....

Seeking the Lord

I really don't study scripture too much. Lately, I've been discontent with how I've been flying through scripture. I don't take too much time to stop and reflect on it. Isaiah 55 is one of those passages which I love, but I always speed through it. There's so much there. As a response, I started to study it today.

The verse that struck a cord in me to dive further in:

Seek the Lord while he may be found,
call on him while he is near.
(Isaiah 55:6)

It seems to be very simple. But lately, I've been thinking more about seeking the Lord in everything I do. And I realized that I don't really know what it means. So I did something so simple, anyone with literacy can do it: I looked up the cross references. WOW! go me! I mean, no not really, but the beginnings of list that resulted from it, I do want to look back on it, and go further into depth. But right now, all I have is a list.

seeking the Lord: what does it mean?

-obey his commands (Isaiah 55:2-3) what does he command of us? Love God, Love people. (Matthew 22:37-39)
- Call upon him. Come and pray to him, with expectation that he will listen(Jer 29:12-14). This means we come boldly before him with our prayers and petition, putting our complete trust in him. (Ephesians 3:11-12)
-Tremble before him, remembering that he gives and takes our blessings away (Hos 3:5).
-seek no one else. cast down our idols (amos 5:4-5).
- Hate evil. Love Good. Maintain justice (Amos 5:14-15).
- Do not forsake his name (2 Chronicles 15:2).
-Find refuge in him as your Protector (Psalms 18:2, 32:6-7, 34 and possibly half of the Psalms)
-Reach out for Him. Live and move and have your being in your identity as his offspring (Acts 17:27-28)
- Do not recieve God's grace in vain. Find your salvation in him because now is the time. (2 Cor 6:12)
- Boast gladly in your weakness for His grace is sufficient for you (2 Cor 12:9). Know thay his ways and thoughts are better than your own (Isaiah 55:8-9).

There's so much more to be added. Leave a comment for any addendums to the list!
-

The Long Fight

On the phone with my brother, Mark, the other day, I talked about how hard it was to adjust to home. He pointed out to me that I wasn't home. I was in la la land- a transition period from being in Kenya to being back in Newport News for school. I am only here at my Manassas "home" with my family just a few weeks.

I felt what he said was true, on a much larger scale than he meant. This life in itself is la la land. It's just a transition period between birth and eternal life with Jesus up in heaven. Then, I will be home.

I suffer a long road in discontentment until then. I shuffle around my house, wandering around, looking for the things I feel like doing. When I feel like it, I go to Jesus. When I feel like it, I listen to music. It's a whatever thing.

I'm positive that this is dangerous. Feelings are not legit.

We live in a time where we're controlled by our inclinations (could this be indulging our sinful nature?). We are an emotionally-driven people. That's what gets us into so much trouble. That's why we grow quickly infatuated with people, get married, and after years of our "feelings" not being satisfied, we get divorced. Because we lost that loving feeling.

We are all about feelings. Feelings of love and of hate. Could these feelings be deceptive?

Absolutely.

This past year, I've had trouble engaging in corporate worship. I'd go to InterVarsity large group, and because I didn't feel like worshipping, I felt that my actions toward the Lord wouldn't be sincere and I'd be a hypocrite just for being there, singing.

But Eugene Peterson disagrees and in his book, A Long Obedience In the Same Direction, he addresses this:

God made us, redeems us, provides for us. The natural, honest, healthy, logical response to that is to praise God. When we praise we are functioning at the center, we are in touch with the basic, core reality of our being.
But very often we don't feel like it, and so we say, "It would be dishonest for me to go to a place of worship and praise God when I don't feel like it. I would be a hypocrite." The psalm (Psalm 122) says, "I don't care if you feel like it: as was decreed, "give thanks to the name of God."
I have put great emphasis on the fact that Christians worship because they want to, not because they are forced to. But I have never said that we worship because we feel like it. Feelings are great liars. If Christians worshiped only when they felt like it, there would be precious little worship. Feelings are important in many areas but completely unreliable in matters of faith. Paul Scherer is laconic: "The Bible wastes very little time on the way we feel."

When I read this, I wanted to throw my book across the room, not because I was offended, but because it hit a nerve. Everything that I had thought about having sincere feelings for the Lord was suddenly challenged. Worship is not a feeling, as Peterson remarks, it is first an act that develops feelings for God.

In the shell of my house, as I'm lazily toiling through my day (oxymoron?), I need to act on my faith. God's grace is sufficient to save. But we are saved by grace through faith. I often don't feel like doing anything. So, I need to fight for it. I hate the things I do, but it Christ who does work within us. Bwana Asifiwe!

We may easily lose control and let our feelings take us captive. My anger siezes me, and keeps me in a place where the devil can have a foothold. But the Lord is our portion and he is mighty to save. He is so much bigger than our feelings of anger- asante sana Yesu!

When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant.
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you.
You hold me with your right hand.
You guide me with your counsel
and afterward, you will take me
into your glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire beside you.
My flesh and heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart,
and my portion, forever.
(Psalm 73)

Finding my identity in Christ

Apparently, I'm unique. People always like to tell me this. I have an oddball personality, I wear outrageously bright colors in line with Claudia from the Babysitters Club, I have a distinct outlook on life where I always have to scrape beyond the surface of things, I do slightly outlandish things sometimes, like run into the Indian Ocean, fully clothed, when we need to pack to leave the next day. A few people have told me that I am the most unique girl they ever met. And quite frankly, this scares me.

When I honestly look at my uniqueness, I wonder if it's God-made or self-made. Because, really, I take a lot of pride in being different. I wear weird outfits on purpose. I listen to obscure music and watch obscure movies. I read up on the latest trends before they become wide-known. What it's turned me into is a pretentious hipster. The thing that hits me most is that I read books on hip theology more than I read the Word of God. I listen to music more than I spend time in silence, reflecting and hearing for God's voice. I blog more than I honestly record my thoughts in a private journal, just between me and God. My thoughts tend to be more stream-of-conscience then prayerful. I spend more time in front of a tv set, watching some old artsy movie than I do just simply drinking tea with my friends and REALLY listening to what's going on in their lives.

So, what do I find my identity in, my so-called uniqueness or as a daughter of Christ? I discovered in Kenya that it was in my difference. In this foreign culture, where I didn't have movies, or my music, where I limited myself to 3 shirts and no jewerly, where time was spent more relationally than induced in tasks, I began to see myself as I really was. The sin in my life bubbled up to the surface. Being a hipster made no difference in this context; I had to find who I really, truly was, in Christ.

And the truth is, I'm still looking. Kenya didn't fix me, it just gave me some pointers. When I tell people about myself, I usually tell them my preferences in music and movies or what I like to do, like cook or read or write. But I don't really know this person deep inside of me. I don't know what it is to truly love people. I don't even know what my love language is. I want to listen to people, but I cannot turn myself off sometimes when I talk to them. When people on the trip affirmed me, they told me how brutally honest I am and how transparent I am about my struggles. Those are good things, but how can I tap into who God created me to be? Who is the woman I am supposed to become? I want to do ministry, but how can I get to know peoples' needs when I don't know myself.

Back here, in America, I am tempted to once again become pretentious hipster, Janelle. But this not who I am in Christ. I need to carry out the work God began in Africa. But I need Him to carry it out to completion. This means, driving out my American distractions- movies, books, music, computer. It's not like I need to completely avoid them, but I need to be careful. I need to press forward to the goal of knowing Christ. I want to know him more. I want to be seeking his face and not my own accomplishments, not my own uniqueness. In knowing him, I will find my true identity.

I believe that God made me unique. It's been evident since I was a little girl. But Satan has taken this gift and has been using it for my own human pride. Ok, so I'm unique,.I write well and I'm passionate about it. I know a lot about the Christian faith and scripture. I am a fairly intelligent person despite being flighty. I am honest about everything. I have been a good child, always obeying the rules. Never diverting too far from my Christian upbringing (even though I became a liberal, which isn't Christian to my parents).

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

And here is my prayer:

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

(Philippians 3:7-11)


So, I will no longer put confidence in my flesh. In being unique. In being hip. In being smart.I do not want anything to differentiate me from the body of Christ. And the only thing I want that sets me apart from humankind is being found in Christ. I may be unique, but I'm not any more special than anyone else. And we have all been uniquely made and lovingly created.

You hem me in- behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths
you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there, your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you
the night will shine like the day
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful.
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the
depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there's any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

(Psalm 139:6-16, 23-24)

Choices

I'm home. It feels a little strange being here, like everything here is new to me again. Just so many simple things are different. I can pull food out of the refigerator whenever I want, and make as much coffee as I want. I have high-speed internet, so I can be on as much as I want. I have over 500 channels on Direct TV to watch, and will probably watch my first movie in America in awhile. I can play music in my room whenever I want. Non worship and praise music. Not like I don't adore it but I haven't listened to secular music in 2 months (save the overhead music blaring on the matatus and the cheesy music at a hotel, and the music I could listen to on the airplane). I can smoke my new pipe. I can drink some wine if I'd like. I'm in the "land of the free." I can do whatever I want with regard to no one else. If I want to keep consuming meat like I did in Kenya from people's hospitality, I can do so. But I'm also free to be independent and choosy about what I eat.

In America, we have so many choices. We can do whatever we want. No wonder we're so apathetic. No wonder we're so selfish.

I'm supposed to use these next few days to rest. What does it mean to rest in a land filled with distractions? My host, Mama Susan uses every Sunday to rest in honoring the Sabbath. I asked her what she "did" when she rests. She looked at me, a little stunned. "I don't do anything." I look at her puzzled as well as she was. "Nothing? You don't read, or knit, or watch TV?"
She said simply that all that isn't rest. When she rests, she really doesn't do ANYTHING. She doesn'r even THINK about anything. She just sits and is still. It's in these times she enters the prescense of God.

I don't how to rest. It's hard for me just to turn my mind off. I have to always be doing something. If I'm reclined I need a movie, or the computer, or food. I need to be consumed in something. And I just can't turn my mind off. It's why I have trouble falling asleep at night. I'm always thinking about something.

I am thrown back into a land of many choices. With those choices, I can choose rest, or I can choose writing this blog on my laptop while listening to Denison Witmer. Typically, I don't choose rest. I choose noise. Everything is noise. This laptop, my music, movies, books. Everything I do to amuse myself. We're so focused on entertainment in this country. This became more evident to me as I lived in Kenya without movies, without books (until i bought some there), without "my" music. I lived with all these things that I thought keep me functioning. But the truth is, I functioned so much better without all of that noise. On my assignment, I had absolutely nothing to do at times. It was these times that I went into the prescense of God. Where I learned the value of silence. When I saw scripture open up in ways I could never imagine. And I could learn how to let God cradle me in his arms.

Now I'm home. I feel at a loss of this valued silence. But the truth is that I do have choice. I can turn everything off. I can turn off all the lights. I can live without the glimmer of the movie screen. I can live without my music. It's not like these things are evil. But they can become idols if I indulge in them more than I indulge in God. And I do. And I definitely did before I went to Kenya.

But now I have these days to rest and I should not take them for granted. It is now that I learn the secret to be content whether in abundance or in want. I don't need to be in Kenya to rest in God's arms.

I want to live. Not be a mindless indulgent zombie.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I can pray. Listen. Cry out. Be Still. Meditate on Scripture. Dance in the storm. Keep my family company. Comfort the mourning. Rest. Be.

It's time to learn.

Hello friends and family,
Peace and Greetings once again from Nairobi. This is a story, so please don't feel bad if you don't feel led to read this. I just wanted to take a moment to share with you all how God has blessed my assignment (which isn't over yet). During the past couple of weeks, I questioned God a lot about why I was where I was placed. I tended to compare myself to others who get to live with their pastors or ministry partners, while Sarah and I had to coordinate between our hosts and our partners, the Missionaries of Charity. It seemed that the work we were doing wasn't what I had in mind for our missions project. It felt like we were just doing charity work. I felt like something was missing, but at the same time I wanted to feel content and grateful for just the oppurtunity to be here and all that God has changed me through this. Well, I expressed my concerns to Sarah and we prayed about it. And after waiting, we did something. We were able to connect to a non-denominational pastor whose church is within Kibera, and he took us around today, on the sisters' day of rest. For the first time on our assignment, Sarah and I were able to walk into peoples' homes and see how they live. This is what my heart really desired. I felt as though we were walking through the slum each day, but without visiting homes, I felt unable to connect. It surprised me even further when in each home we visited, Pastor Gelirson, asked for a Word from the Bible from each Sarah and I. Under normal circumstances, I would have froze. But God is gracious. The past couple of weeks I have had a lot of down time, and I have spent that time reading and studying the Bible and getting so much insight from God through that. I definitely believe that our works should flow from our intimate relationship with knowing Jesus Christ and that is what God was doing to me. He's been purifying my motives and drawing me into his arms so that I could better connect to people. God is sovereign, because if we had just jumped into house visiting from the start, my words with other people wouldn't have been as genuine.

Pastor Gelirson led us into this one home with a family of 4 consisting of 2 young people, who were not saved. After sharing with them the Word we had from the Bible, the pastor asked if any of them wanted to come to Christ today. This was not unexpected because here in Kenya, people are very frank and forward with evangelism. Quite often it is stressed that a decision should be made whether or not to follow Christ. I was prepared for this, but still, as someone who neglects evangelizing at home, this was a completely new situation for me. To make a long story short, Joyce, the girl we met, got saved. I can never say that I have been very involved in leading people to Christ as I have so often not been there while someone was making the actual decision. I don't know how much of an effect any of my words had on her because I could tell that seeds had been planted long before we got there. However, I feel blessed and encouraged that Sarah and I had something to do with her ultimate decision. That we were there to give her insight and prayers. Bwana Asifiwe (Praise the Lord)!

The other youth, Jared, was still on the fence. He told us that he believes that one day God will call him to be saved and he's waiting for it to immediately happen. He doesn't want other people to convince him about Jesus, he wants to hear God's call. Please be praying for him. I know he will come to know the Lord, but waiting for a strike of lightening can sometimes be deceptive. (I can also relate a lot to him in his feelings that he does not want to be coerced into a decision.)God has already lavished us with the gift of knowing him, all we have to do is recieve it.

I feel encouraged to send this story your way, as a few months ago, I can honestly tell you, I would not be this encouraged in my faith. I am coming to find that Christ is my solid rock and the only soil I can grow in and become the woman I am meant to be.

I hope and pray you all are doing very well, and I cannot wait to hear from you. I miss the States very dearly but with less than a week left on assignment and less than a month left in Kenya, I already miss it. I only pray to God that I can enjoy and relish in each moment. Please continue praying for me.

My dear friends,I am blessed and humbled to report to you what God has sent me to do for my three week ministry assignment in Kenya. My good friend, Sarah Griner (who I met previously through Students Training in Missions) and I will be ministering to the slum community of Kibera. We will be quite busy most of our days- caring for disabled people in the morning (we are partnering with Sisters of Charity), teaching small children in the afternoon, and establishing contacts with pastors (fervent men and women of God we had met on our visit last week) for future Global Projects. This is the first time there has been an IV global project in this area and Sarah and I are pioneers. Like many men and women God called in the Bible I feel completely ill-equipped and inadequate for this mission, but all I can do is trust in God, knowing that he will take care of Sarah and I as we build relationships with people we'll daily come in contact with. Please, please keep us in your prayers. This place is definitely battleground, and I want to love and identify with the people I encounter, rather than look on them with pity or guilt. Most importantly, it is by faith that we go on this mission, so please pray that we will be strengthened through Christ's power and we will continually see his faithfulness to us. I will try to send out updates continually as I will be living in a residential community but will be on very little. Thanks for your prayers and continued encouragement. Bwana Asifiwe!

yours in Christ,
Janelle

i posted this on myspace...but it deserves better than that

In only 14 days, I will be on a plane taking me to Nairobi, Kenya. I am in utter disbelief. Which is actually leading me into complete belief. Without God, this wouldn't be possible at all.

God. Creator of all things. The author and perfector of my faith. Alpha. Omega. The Great I am. My savior and redeemer.

Why then, why do I want to steal his glory?

Me. A whiny, slightly pretentious (sometimes judgmental), self-absorbed 21 year old.

I realized the reason. Or God enlightened me, cause any good thing I cannot come to on my own.
The things I have been doing in my Christian walk are often meant to make myself feel more significant.

There it is. This is probably the reason why I get so hesitant to do anything in faith that might make me seem so offensive, like share the gospel with a friend. Because most of the time, I am only looking out for myself and my own reputation. I want to be the hero.

But I'm not. Only Jesus can be.

In my head, I want to recognize God as the one who is doing all things but I often want to steal the credit. I read lots of christian books, keep up slightly on theology, trying to enlighten myself as much as I can to become aware. But how often do I actually look to God for enlightenment? Not very often. How much time do I spend in prayer over these things? Not a lot. Usually I make a decision and then pray for God's approval. This is wrong. First, I must pray. First, I must seek the kingdom of God and THEN these things will be added unto me.

I have become a humanist. Meaning I pretty much deify humans along with God. That is wrong. Only God can be God. Who am I to think I am anymore enlightened than anyone else? I am just another fool.

When I was at InterVarsity Rockbridge camp a couple weeks ago, I was in this track that went through the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5,6,7). It surprised me how much I could identify with the hypocrites. Basically, a hypocrite is someone who does all the right things but does it for self-glorification. Jesus says that when they come to him, he will say "I do not know you."
That got me good. I want Jesus to know me. I want to know him. And not just with the head knowledge, but intimately knowing him with my heart.

God has taught me a lot already about trusting in him and being completely dependent. I am fully funded for Kenya, and I consider that a miracle of God. I could not at all do it on my own.
I consider fundraising a time of growing closer to God because as well as that, I had a million other stresses in my life. Finishing the semester. Family. stuff like that. I realized that when I started to talk to God like a crying child, not as an educated, opinionated student asking him for complete dependence that I was awakened to all that he was doing and has been doing.

I write this blog in hopes that you will pray for me in this regard as I go off to Kenya this summer. The end result of this trip (and EVERYTHING I do) will be to bring glory to God. That this would become a great desire of mine. I also write this in hopes that you will be encouraged in wherever you are in your journey.

--Janelle

This is the time people are advised not to write blogs: when they're frickin pissed off out of their minds.

Yet writing is therapy for me.

I hate Manassas. I hate, hate, hate it. I hate how it has nothing to offer. I hate how little I feel genuine authenticity from people. I hate how people remind me of things I said 4 months ago and try to make an argument out of it. I hate how my "belief system" is considered wrong by most other christians I meet. Just because I'm not conservative. Just because I think there's something more to things than culture wars, homosexuality, pro-life/pro-choice and war. I hate it.

Now that I got that out of my system...


I did like church this morning. And there were some parts I had to accept despite my prejudices (I find it sorta weird to sing about America in church even if it Memorial Day weekend). But I pushed those all aside because I knew they weren't the point. I knew it was only a minor detail and something to look past to not focus on things I view negatively but things I view positively. I so often like to be negative and forget about all the positive points of life. I sat there knowing, hey I really like this congregation! The people there are the most real, genuine people I know in Manassas and possibly anywhere. I could feel the authenticity during worship and I could sense it during the sermon and it was overflowing from people who I caught up with after the service was over. And I had my past prejugdices with this church because I thought it was too conservative or charismatic. But I really enjoyed my time there today.

Easter is my favorite holiday. It isn't overhyped. The whole easter bunny thing isn't annoying, it's just amusing. Especially when your creative writing professor comes to poetry class in a bunny suit, due to a contest he won.

I guess it has the most meaning to me. It's better than Christmas. Because of what Christ did today, over 2000 years ago. He died because I'm a sucky person, and was raised from the dead!!! I have died with him. I am resurrected with him. Today, I am brought back to life. Of course, this should be an everyday thing, but the symbolism of this remembrance blows me away.

"Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep."- Isaiah 53

You don't know how many circles I feel like the scapegoat, or black sheep in. Or, maybe you do. I often feel pity for myself due to that. But Jesus was the ultimate scapegoat, even though he was perfect.

That gives me something to celebrate. My scapegoat mentality to be erased.

Now for my release of "feelings"...

I have wanderlust. Like CRAZY. I cannot keep still. I cannot stay in one place all the time. I cannot focus my attention even though it seems like all I do is work.

I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God, do you hear that? I guess you do, since you are sending me to Kenya. But I am going crazy being here right now. At CNU. I HATE IT HERE. I never hated CNU as much as I do this year. It's just as I'm feeling purpose here too. I feel like I am actually doing things for my community. But it's a good thing there's a couple weeks left, because I CAN'T TAKE IT MUCH LONGER.

I wander. AROUND TOO MUCH. If I had car, I'd be far away right now. I'd escape to the mountains. Then I'd get bored and move to the city. Even on campus I wander. I start doing work in the library, and without too much time spent there, I go to the Student Union, and if it's a nice day, I'll start reading outside. Then I see 16 of my best friends and talk to like 8 of them. I go to Ratcliffe to go to class, and then the cycle starts ALL OVER AGAIN. When I do work, I cannot stay in one place. When I hang out with people, I wonder what others are doing.

I suck at being a friend because of this. Who wants to be friends with someone who wants to be somewhere else?? I ALWAYS WANT TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE. I feel like I'm pointless wherever I am. I am of no use.

I am supposed to be writing a Ulysses paper. And that book wanders EVERYWHERE. Aimlessly. That's how I'm feeling right now. Completely aimless and reckless.

Solution?? Refer to the beginning of the post.
Christ is the only solid place I have.

CHRIST IS THE ONLY CONSISTENT PERSON IN MY LIFE!!



Solution:
Reliance on Christ to allow me to REST. REST in whatever place I am. Rest when I'm doing nothing. Rest when I'm doing everything.



Some of you aren't Christians and may be confused by what I'm saying but BELIEVE ME when I say, you and I, WE BOTH ARE IN DESPERATE NEED OF CHRIST RIGHT NOW.

We are prone to wander. We are prone to be lost. We recklessly play around in the dark. We drown ourselves in our anxieties. We are imperfect. Your story is my story.

Jesus Christ is perfect and loves you and I enough to rescue us from the wretched places we put ourselves in. Even though we run away, he chases us. He pursues us. He saves us from being dead.

THIS IS SUCHHHH GOOD NEWS. WHY DON'T I LEAN ON THIS MORE???

why do I try to trust in myself?? why do I try to take control??? why do I do things for my OWN glory??


It's Jesus. All we need is him. God, I am so sorry for ignoring you. So sorry for setting you aside.

"We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him."- Isaiah 53 (the message)


Isaiah is an amazing book. Give it a read sometime.

I should be doing poetry homework. I should be reading for class.

The point is, I'm not. And I'm not stressed. School is taking a back seat.

Let's celebrate this!!

Yes, I am a college student. That involves school as a priority. But one thing I am learning is that school should never come in the way of living.

And it has this semester. That's a problem.

This weekend, I had a realization. In the course of this semester itself, I have become a task-oriented individual rather than a person-oriented friend. Getting things done is not bad. Being task-oriented isn't bad either for people who are naturally this way. But I am not.

I have a short enough attention span with relationships as it is. I gravitate towards people easily but I am not with being intentional. Task-oriented people HAVE to be intentional, or they get no time with anyone.

One thing I lack an incredible amount of is intimacy. I never quite grasped that idea. I like being friends with everyone so I spread myself too thin, not making deep friendships. I am incredibly personal and vulnerable which makes a lot of people think I'm closer to them than I am. It makes me think I'm closer to people than I am. But I am randomly vulnerable. I can share my problems with a complete and total stranger.

I am trying to learn how to be truly intimate and not decievingly so. With God. With people. With fewer friends rather than plenty (and my busy lifestyle no involves plenty). I don't know how to do it. I'm asking God to show me how. Because I have no idea.

What a perfectly lazy day. I slept in. I read some. I ate food. I love spring break.

Yesterday was my birthday. Sometimes I hate how much I love my own birthday. How narcissistic, right. However, I don't feel that way anymore. I feel as though this year, this very year marks a sort of rebirth in my life. Through Christ's bountiful grace, I have been learning. Learning to overcome vices, attitudes and attachments which have ruled over my life. I feel free to strike them down through the power given to me in Christ alone. I am discovering what my gifts are and exploring ways to use them. I am finally in a major that makes me not feel that inferior complex. I have no idea where I am going, but I have some distinct passions which make me excited. No matter where I end up it is where I'll be. The wind blows as it pleases.

I am learning not to take things at surface value and delve into them further. For example, these few years in school, for the most part without knowing, I have been learning reformed theology. I have loved it, and it's reawakened me to a central aspect of the gospel, grace. However, I realized that it's been what's mostly in the environment I have to chosen to be in. I am not beginning to research what it means to be a Calvinist and if I actually subscribe to this. My feeling right now says, in part, but I also will not make an idol of an ideology. Emergent theology also captivates my attention. Also, I feel in my theology explorations I should not leave out my charistmatic roots. Although this could be the most criticized part of the church, and certainly what I have been most jaded by, the church should not operate by head, but the Spirit overflowing the place where 2 or more gather. I have been largely ignoring for the past time. I feel though, if I ignore it any further, part of me will die.



Back to my lazy day, I have been spending a lot of time reading blogs about theology. I also arranged some flowers I recieved for my birthday in a potted plant my parents sent me. I recovered from my late night out, which actually did not involve a hangover. My roommate and I are probably going to bake cookies. I have been listening to Explosions in the Sky.

Also I came across a most interesting article about identity theft

here's one for the girls

(I know it's silly to write these things. And my cynic self hates me for it.)

I want my knees to quiver. I want my stomach to tighten into a thousand little knots. I want my face to change three shades of color when I talk to him. And not because I'm shy or embarrassed but because of the way he says my name. I want to burst into dancing when I'm in a room myself, and thinking about him. I do not want to know any anguish of whether he likes me or not, but see it in his intentional actions. I want to feel relief to share affection with him. Without feeling mushy or silly. I want him to pursue me. I do not want to reduce myself to sit around and wait for him. I want to play. I want to fingerpaint with him, doodling crazy lions with our fingertips.I want him to be as bad as dancing as I am, and flaunt it. I want him to know good music and read good poetry. I want him enthused, not overbearingly happy. I want him introspective, not silent. I want a boy who I can stand kissing. Who I want to look at me with those lovesick eyes. Who makes love feel stupid. Stupid and good. I want a boy who I can trust won't judge me. Who will talk to me openly about things ranging from God's sovereignty to burping techniques. Who will trust me with his burdens as I will with mine. Who I can walk along with as an equal. Not one of us having control over another. Deciding things together. Leading together.I want a boy who seeks adventure in the great wide world and in everyday ordinariness. I want a boy who doesn't make me want to hurl when he tells me he loves me. I want a boy who I can choke out the words "I love you" to without making my squinty, disgusted face.

Waiting around is hard. I don't want to wait. For this sort or whoever God has set out for me. Yet, if I were to simply settle for the next boy I meet, will the desires of my heart be anywhere close to fulfilled? I am a cynic when it comes to boy-girl relationships especially as someone a part of a young age group who is already set to get married. But, admittedly, I sometimes want a boyfriend so badly, I get ahead of myself. I rage and lose complete focus on what's important in this season of my life. I guess I want to offer encouragement to you single ladies who feel the same way. Who often gets so exasperated, we are willing for any guy who looks our way. That's not what it's about, ladies. Never lose focus. Enjoy your life for what it is now. Be present.

(OK, the cynic in me says people are going to make comments with good intentions but patronizing tones. Don't even think about it.)

It seems like everyone a year ahead of me is about to be hitched. One of my good friends since freshman year is pregnant. (She's already married and my age). I have a number of friends my age talking about marriage (who aren't engaged).


I don't like to think about my future, but I'm a girl. So in reaction, I've set a few goals. I hope to keep them. But these can be bent. God might say no. People intricately involved in my life might say no. But for now, I like these goals.

1) Not get married until I am at least 25. And if I'm still single by the time I'm 35, that's fine and well. I know it'll happen eventually.

2) Not have a big wedding...or any wedding at all. Eloping sounds entirely good. Maybe grab a minister and run to a scenic part of the woods? People place too much emphasis on weddings. So much money is spent. So much time. So much energy. It always places more stress than needed. I don't want to be a bridezilla. Plus, I can imagine all the estrogen in the room that day and it scares me. Perky, planning Bridesmaids, worrying but perky mother, relatives, and i imagine stacks of other girls helping. It all just seems too much. Picturing it in my head, it always turns out catastrophic.

3) Not have a diamond on my ring finger. They're expensive, showy, and are often blood diamonds, exploiting third world countries in Africa. I'd rather have a cheaper more personal token of some dude's affection.

4) Not get pregnant, ever. Ok, this is obviously in the hands of God, so even if my husband and I have the safest sex ever we could have a baby. Maybe I could get sterilized. It's just that the thought of having a baby inside of me, kicking me, making me sick for 9 months and then get pushed out through a hole, makes me ill, literally ill. Especially if I have a c-section. I could NOT STAND to have my belly cut open. sick, sick, sick. I would much rather adopt. This world is already overpopulated as it is. There are children starving everywhere. Why not take a few of them in and love them as my own?

5) not live in the suburbs, ever, again




I am so glad I do not have to seriously think about these things for a LONG time. But for now, this seems good.


note: I do respect you if you marry young no matter what. I think it's an amazing thing to happen. I don't look down on people having weddings or having pretty rings, but it just isn't me. I don't want to do it. And I have a high, high respect for those who are pregnant. Very high. Extremely.

http://poemsbyjanello.blogspot.com/

It's all happening.

A few friends were the witnesses. The first to see me flip out at a sporting event tonight.

Even though I have a competitive drive (growing up with 3 brothers), I am notoriously known for hating sports. I hate playing them (because I'm so slow and clumsy), I hate watching them (even though it's on 24/7 in the Esposito household).

But on a whim, I went to an ice hockey game tonight- CNU vs. VCU. The captains got slaughtered. It was painful to watch, but at the same time, the game exhilarated me. Maybe it's the fact that you're standing so close, right outside the rink, you can feel the impact of a body slam. Hockey is violent. It's violent and stirs up emotions. And that somehow attracts me.

Hockey is a game somewhat known to me in person. When I was a pre-teen, my brother played indoor roller hockey. Not quite the same, but I enjoyed going to his games. That could've been just for the food and the hot older guys. But still, from sitting around all the violent hockey moms, I could feel the intensity. I could get into the game. I mean, it is more simple, and faster paced. I think that's why I like it.

The emotions of the violent hockey moms all came back to me tonight, and was channeled through my excessively loud voice, taunting insults, and insistent cheering, through almost the entire game. Bekah warned me not to get in any fights with VCU fans. A few came over to our side and cheered on VCU and I was ready to body slam them.

It's good. I finally found a vent for my competitive energy that usually remains locked up until someone pulls out "Apples to Apples" or "Risk" at a party.

just because i want to write

words to sum up this week:

exhausting
exhilarating

Last week ended and this week began with my STIM retreat. Rachel very kindly drove me to Richmond to meet up with VCU kids (all of whom I didn't know prior) to drive down to Wake Forest, NC. Coming in, I was stressed out and nervous. I left, not the same. I met and connected with a whole bunch of cool people and God was teaching me a lot about the biblical basis of missions work.

After I was back in Newport News, I wrote this prayer on my wrist:

Jesus give me the heart to share you with people.

That message compounded me (If that's the correct word). The thing is, I did not have the heart to share the gospel with people, but I believe God is answering that prayer, taking me, and reshaping my outlook on things.

It's incredible what God does when you ask.

Also, I'm not a vegetarian anymore. I'm a dignitarian (eat free range, local farm meat). I think I might buy some chicken next time I'm out (refer to my myspace for explanation).

------------------
Something else God has impressed on my heart this week...

I am gifted.

This might sound a little arrogant (but it's not since we're all gifted). I'm just realizing where I am gifted...writing. These blogs might not make a lot of sense sometimes. I am certainly nothing worthy of literary attention. But God did gift me here, and being an English major has been incredible so far, because I get a lot of encouragement from my professors.

For one class, I wrote a paper that I felt was completely wrong because I felt it didn't answer the question my prof was looking for. When we had to revise it, I sent it to him, because I didn't know what to do. He printed it out and made copies and the class read it aloud. I was so embarrassed. I counted the number of sentences that ended with prepositions and was shamed. We discussed different things from the paper almost the entire class. And I felt like I couldn't contribute. And I didn't want to be the pompous who remarks, "Well, since this is MY paper..." Even with the embarrassment I was really flattered and just prayed for a miniscule ego.

God continuously showed me this week that I'm gifted. And I'm beginning to let him impress upon me my spiritual gifts. And I need to know I'm gifted because I walk around a lot, pitying myself for my lack of ability.
-----------------------------------------

Jamaica Kincaid came to talk at CNU on Thursday. She's a world famous author. She writes a lot about family and the place she's from. I want to do that. I want to write to find my voice. Do I yet have a distinct voice? I don't know but I know I want to be like her someday, only not her. Me. She seemed so down to earth. World famous writer, swaying around as she talked and playing with her scarf. It made me happy.

She said some words that affected me. One I'm left with.
"I'd rather die for the truth, then live with a lie."

I don't know if she's Christian but that spoke loads to me about sharing Christ with others. How can I live with the lie that we don't need Christ. And I also thought about the ramifications of telling the truth sometimes. It isn't always greeted fondly. I thought about the crucicfixion, and I turned it to today. Meaning, I thought about what it'd be like for me to die a death anywhere near the harshness of Jesus'. Morbid, I know. But this is truly changing my life, right now, as we speak.

----------------------
Recycle Fest had been hanging over me all week. I was so nervous. Intervarsity was competing in a contest where different campus clubs build scupltures out of recycled materials to represent their club. I organized IV's team and tried my best to recruit people. Getting closer, I was uneasy. We had no concept for what the scuplture would look life, and I hadn't heard from a lot of the people I recruited.

And everything of course came together wonderfully. We built a "tree of life" rooted in love (meaning we made hearts for the bottom). It was fantastic. We had more than enough people, more that enough materials. Everyone contributed significantly. I was just coordinating them, most of the good work was done by others.

And we won. We won $300 for IV. That's not just chump change. I heard some congratulating me and yes, I organized the team and came up with the concept but the only reason the tree was so great is the creative minds that went into it. But still, it feels so nice to feel of worth. I so little feel that. And God in different, small but mighty ways, has been showing me my worth. And I am in total awe of him.

That's all.

I am on the verge of tears over the most seemingly small matters.

Basically, I know it's good to be dependent on others. We're called to live in community. What does it mean to live in community? Share your gifts with others to serve and love on them. Use your blessings for the same thing. Help one another along. Never be too individualistic, too independent. Be there for each other. Encourage one another.

I get a lot of it. But in some things I just don't and what I'm about to write on doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is.

I don't have car. I don't know if I'll ever get one and if I'll ever have the money to get one (getting/keeping a job and saving money is for me something nearly impossible to do). If I had one, I don't know how comfortable I'd even feel comfortable using it around Newport News or for long-distance travel. I don't even like cars. I don't like the cost. I don't the pollution. I don't like all the gas that gets used up that will lead to some, probably, catastrophic events.

And this has become a burden for me.
Not having a car.

I feel way too reliant on people. And yet, I'm supposed to be reliant. But to this extent, it feels like a burden people are usually unwilling to carry. It's very rarely that I'll find anyone who wants to drive me around just so I can do errands, go grocery shopping (find a job). Because of this, I'm very shy about asking and when I do it, it's usually in a very passive way.

When you live in a town where there's no reliable public transportation, it gets very hard. I wish public transit here was much better than it is. It sucks.

Next weekend, I have to go to a retreat in Wake Forest, NC for Students Training In Missions. The nearest people going are in Richmond, and for any of them to pick me up would be out of the way. So I need someone to give me a ride to Richmond or to Wake Forest, and I'm very reluctant to ask anyone because somehow I find so much shame in asking. In asking someone to take so many hours out of their day just to take me.

It doesn't seem right that such a material thing like owning a car should affect me so emotionally. It brings me to tears sometimes. And most of that is self-pity, that I am a huge burden for people, and I need Christ to take me away from that.

So, we are called to be in community. To carry each other's burdens. And to LET people carry our burdens (it's pride if we don't). I suppose I just have so much bottled up pride I don't let go of. But most people just don't let you be comfortable about asking them for a ride.

There's a question that I've been wrestling around with a lot. And it's been haunting me.

Am I put into this world for one main purpose...is there something here I'm meant for? Or is God pleased with whatever I do as long as I devote myself to him?

I don't know if that question is worded just how I want it to be, but hopefully you get the idea. God's will for my life, is it direct or indirect? Is there a career that I'm absolutely meant for? Or is that in my hands? Right now, I can say I have no idea.

I don't really even know how to pray about it really. And I don't know how to discern God's will. I don't even know for that matter what spiritual gifts I have. And that can be important while trying to determine a pathway. All I know, is that I have a lot of passion. There are so many things I would drop everything to do. So, what do I do?

In theory, I have a year and a half left at school. The pressure is on. People are asking me what I want to do when I get out. A lot of my friends already have plans. People are wondering what plans I have, and I keep making new ones. Over and over again. I revise everything. First, I want to be a teacher, then I want to give the film thing a shot, thoughts of going into the ministry keep intriguing me, and then I think, "ooo, what about culinary school?"

I wanna open a small forward-thinking cafe. I wanna join the peace corps. I wanna write for magazines. I wanna write for movies. I wanna be a college professor. I wanna teach hard-to-do kids. I wanna be a part of a church plant. I wanna work for social justice. I wanna be the next Rachel Ray. I wanna live in Oregon. I wanna live in Africa. I wanna be a wife and have kids.

I don't know anything. I think that's OK. Really I do. I just don't know how closely I'm paying attention to God and his plan. So, ok, I know God has a plan. He can't plan the end and not plan the means. But is it really so specific? I try to pray about it. Really I do.

And let's say I don't pray. I don't think too seriously about it. Do I just whim it? 'Cause that's what I feel like I'm doing right now. Just chasing the wind.

Will God's will still intercede through my "whimming"?

It has to, right?
God is sovereign after all.



What are my gifts?
What is my purpose? What am I here for?
I always laughed at the Purpose Driven Life. I think now's the time to give that book a chance.

Man, I hate it when people are not straight with me.
If someone thinks something will hurt me and doesn't tell me something because of that, that makes me feel worse then whatever news they weren't going to tell me. It says that I can't handle being hurt. And really, I get hurt most when people aren't straight with me. Whatever it is, by itself, is not normally a big deal to me. Not at all. This particular thing would've been nothing if EVERYONE involved who knew, just told me.

And I hate, hate, hate it when people make assumptions. Just because I don't make plans leap years ahead of time doesn't mean I won't make plans. And people need to tell me when they make plans that effect me. Because it EFFECTS me. It hurts most when I just happen to incidentally find out stuff just from browsing on facebook.

I am not someone who gets hurt quite often. Let me rephrase, I don't let people hurt me. I don't let people in quite enough to effect me. I know that's wrong. I know I need to be effected by people. That's part of life. But I usually don't until something escalates. And then I remember everything. And that's when it sucks the most.

Why do I feel like no one ever likes to truthfully communicate with me? I am very truthful and honest about my feelings when people just ask. And it's not like I'm ever imply, "Bitch, why you eff me up like that? You'll have nothing to do with me anymore!"

For example, I used to like a boy. (This is different from what was driving my anger expressed above). I liked him for awhile. I never told him when I did because I didn't want to be effected by a possible negative response. Well, it turns out he caught drift that I might like him, and thus avoided me. Just because of the possibility that I might read him the wrong way if he hung around. And I might've. But why couldn't both of us ever be straight about this, until it after past, and I said something? He's apologized for being a jerk about the avoidance, but I just shrugged it off like it was ok. And it wasn't, at least when I liked him, it wasn't. Why couldn't I just say that. Why do I always have to say that everything is ok? When I'm not OK! In keeping my usual distance from people, I had to shrug him off and not let his response effect me, cause guess what, emotions would have to be dealt with. I would have to deal with actual, non-passive, but active emotions.

So even when I try, and (this is not even the matter driving this entry) my distance does not allow me to be 100% straight with people, and they can't be straight with me. Why can't we all just learn how to communicate? Why do we have to be so sneaky?

It was hard for me to ask questions. It's easier for me to avoid the answers.

In one of my favorite movies, Amelie, the protagonist has to face this. Same as I, she doesn't want a reality check. She'd rather either be anonymously helping people or caught up in the own world she's created around her.

Towards the end, a friend gives her helpful advice, though not even in person but through the media of a video tape.

"So, my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton."

In this context, this applies to a romantic situation she finds herself pursuing and then running away from. But this also applies to just about every interpersonal situation we find ourselves in. We or other people act like we are more fragile than in reality. And all that results from it is a dry, cold heart, distant from letting anyone truly infiltrate.


And so I, Janelle, must find some way out of this world I've found myself falling dreamily into. Maybe then people won't treat me as though I'm so fragile. Maybe then I can let people in.

The semester's coming to a close, and you know how I feel all this time went?
Wasted. wasted in crap. in not doing the things i really wanted.

anyhow, i feel totally withdrawn from campus life. and i can think of a few factors that we can plug in.

1) i live in a house, not in any residence halls
2) i'm in organizations that serve a narrow scope of people. not like they aren't great. i love them. but there is something i'm missing.
3) i'm an upperclassmen and so I don't give a crap (but then when I miss out, I do).
4) i am not yet totally immersed in my major. but unlike other majors, english people don't seem to be very social. at least with each other.

and so, there may be more. but those are the main things i can think of. i really like living in a house. i love the privacy. the intimacy. the space i have even if i have a small room (there's so many places in the house where my crap piles up).


and i mean, i know a lot of people. but I don't KNOW a lot of people. and it's so hard for me to crawl out of my turtle shell and reach the ones who I kinda sorta know. and i have very few guy friends. i mean, i have lots of guy friends. but as far as guys who i'm comfortable casually asking to hang out with me, there are 2, or 3. and i love them, but i am also sick of them. (i know, i know. but i think we all from time to time get sick of our good friends).

and as far as girl friends go. i have some very close friends. and i have enough. but. all of them are christians. all of them who i am close to. and i even spread myself out thinly between all my christian girl friends, when really, i should be branching out beyond them. but i get so dang comfortable in that group, cause they're accepting of my beliefs. it shouldn't be hard for me to hang around people with different beliefs and it isn't. but it's hard for me to get close to them, so i don't spend a lot of time hanging with them. probably because i'm scared. i'm scared of girls. they either are a) too catty b) too intimidating c) too petty. or all of the above. and then there's d) that a girl is actually a pretty cool person but spends her time doing things i wouldn't do and so in my mind, since i'm not comforable hanging out with her while doing these things, i place judgement on her, even though i don't act like i do.

and it's all wrong.

my scope of friends is way too narrow. i don't want to thin myself out to much. i just want to be more open to be better friends with people, that don't necessarily fall in my zone of comfort.

so as far as the non-christian clubs i'm in- cnu tonight, ecology, citizens of the world...i mean i only see these people in meetings...and aside from that don't really think about hanging out with them. or i mean to, and then i don't. or i'm shy. but even with being in these clubs, the whole friendship thing is still kinda outside my zone of comfort. and i want to go there, but i don't.

where is this bringing me too?

oh man. i'm gonna hear it for this. good thing not many people read this blog.

i'm thinking of joining a sorority.

haha. i know me, janelle. i'm an anti sorority queen. i have never been a fan of any of the things they do, cause it seems too silly and petty. except philanthropy. that's actually kinda cool. i have soroity friends who don't talk to me about rushing 'cause they know after all this time, i'll say no. they might shyly mention an event once in awhile and i'll act all nice about it and not show up. and sorority girls piss me off. don't get me wrong. i know some cool sorority girls who don't fit the mold. but being in a sorority means i get to deal with those girly, feminine, catty, materialistic archetypes i so love to avoid. or roll my eyes at in disgust.

plus joining a sorority means following conventions and rules. wearing my t-shirt with all of my sisters the same day. dressing up in cute party clothes i don't have. paying money for friends. joining a cult.

so why would i want to join a sorority?

sisterhood. i have sisterhood with my friends in christ. but no one else. i feel so exclusive. i feel so cut off. maybe it's time to let down my guard. to let down all the pretense, all the negative feelings i have. to lose my pride in my identity, for a new gain. to be actively involved something that requires me to go out and do stuff (cause believe me, it's hard doing it on your own). i really feel that next semester, i might just rush.


i cannot believe i'm thinking this. where is my mind? i don't even have the money for this.

My life this week was filled with intentional action. It feels good to be off my feet for once.

One thing, is that, I don't get involved with the campus cultural pursuits all too much. Strange because I am a person filled with passion for cultural things, but I don't partake in a lot of things that go on at my Campus (I guess one reason is that I sometimes feel like CNU is a joke anyways. But in fact, the students and faculty have been stepping up lately to make it a better place.)


So where is this bringing me to? I submitted some of my work to Currents, the campus literary magazine. Something I never thought to do before this semester, even though I love to write. Yesterday, even before the deadline, I found 3 poems that weren't too confessional (as every piece I write is either confessional or uber confessional), and then, inspired, I wrote another. I submitted four them. Even if they don't make it in, I still feel good about engaging myself in the campus arts culture. I hide too often in the christian sub-culture here.


I guess my free verse always shows that not much time is put into my piees. But I can't help but the love the fluidity of free verse so much more than imposed structure. Someday, I'll get into the pattern of rhyme scales, sonnets and iambic petameter. It's called English 353 (poetry writing) and it'll kick my butt.

With that said, I wrote this yesterday. In 10 minutes.

Here I am,
At last!
All alone.
The constant noise
of people flittering about
has now past.
Here I am.

What to do now?

When I’m with people
I talk
and listen
express
make jokes
share stories
share heartaches
play.
free being who I am
with everyone
but me.

now here I am.
alone again
free from the
social anxieties of the day
but wait.
anxiety is still a person
and here I am.
all alone.
a voice from within shouts out
“Stupid! Stupid!
You are stupid filth.”
I tremble,
and I cry,
and cry out
or I feel nothing at all
the pain is numb.
when I cry, I know I’m alive.

Slum Communities and a Vision for Winter Break

I want to go to Urbana. But right now, it doesn't look possible with needing to have a job for winter break, and needing money for a possible missions trip this summer. Afterall, that is what this conference is about, missions. So I will pick spending a ton of money on a missions trip over spending a ton of money for a conference about missions. But I still really wish I were going, especially when I discovered International Justice Mission this morning, and realized they're speaking at the conference. Then, I realized that a whole track at Urbana is about slum communities. I was looking through the track, and it seems really powerful and moving. And also disturbing. In a good, thought-provoking way. It made me really wish that I could go to Urbana. And then I started praying about it.

And God told me that I can start where I am. That I have resources available to help me investigate and educate myself, if I really took the time on my own to pray and care about it, it could be so much more valuable to me. And then, when my friends who go to Urbana come back, they'll have at least one person who is like-minded who they can talk to about Urbana, sharing with me the things that God taught them, so that I can learn, as I share with them whatever God has been teaching me.

I am dedicating my winter break to God. To even in my shallow, suburban surroundings, to learn about his Kingdom, and to pay attention to it. To paying attention to the places, the margins, where churches so often ignore people. Not only will I spend time when I'm not in work, reading about the slums to educate myself. Which will be Good. But I'm gonna do something. I need to something. I need to stop being inactive.

Here's the plan-
Take every Saturday off from work. Go to DC. Into the most wretched parts. Talk to people. Feed people. Listen to them. Love them.

Cause Jesus would.

I am not sure how this will look yet. I am looking into finding a missions organization based in DC to work with. Also, going alone would freak out my parents. One little girl wandering around the DC ghetto doesn't sound very good. I want to find other people to do this with me. Who is committed. Every Saturday.

Anyone want in?

crying has been good. i have been crying a lot.

my apathy that has been defining me is slowly dissipating.

on that same note of apathy, my play is coming along. i was pretty frusterated,because i had writers block for a good two or three weeks.

i am in a desperate search for jobs. one for winter break, and one for when i come back from winter break. i have always taken my parents income for granted. now is the time for me to step up. i am scared though. part-time work and i have always clashed. they want you to have a particular mindset that goes against every grain of my being. i speak a tad bit too dramatically sometimes, but part-time work does not get along with me. on the other hand, there are certain jobs out there i can do, but those require a college education most of the time. part-time, let me get by jobs are shit. i hate them. but i need to suck it up and just do it.

i want to go to Kenya. this summer.

if it's in God's will, i am sure it can happen.

money is an issue. but it isn't.

i'm taking everything into consideration.

1) God provides
2) Trust God
3) think of the rich, young ruler
4) investigate my resources
- i can get a job over break -
-it's an IV global project (therefor my IV chapter must help me raise the money).
-if i do STIM, i can raise money with a group, communally.
- i have a friend who wants to do it too, and we're gonna pray about it. (aside from the fact the trip requires 2 people from the same school)

The description sounds rockin'. I would get to live with church leaders, i will get to work with other students, i would possibly get the chance to teach kids in orphanages.

and i just need to get out of this culture. and learn about a new one. or ones (as kenya has much diversity).


now, i need to convince my parents.

and pray.

praylikemad.

This weekend. I could probably write 20 pages about it. But, I'll keep it brief, biblical, and beneficial.

It was Intervarsity 222 conference, pretty much right down the road. I did not want to go. I was set against it. It was the last thing I wanted to do.

I finally decided to go. And for my track, I did journey. Which was good, very basic. And I needed that. So badly.

It seems that part of me has forgotten what it is to be a Christ follower. Lately, I've been too comfortable screaming in the dark. This weekend, I made a serious recommittment. And I'm determined to follow through.

There's so much to say.

1) I always forget...

grace + nothing= right standing with God

2) silence is golden. I should spend more time in silence before God to actually listen to him. there's so much noise. especially music and technology (this stupid computer).

3) the story of the prodigal son really gets to me. it really irks my flesh (Luke 15). It always seemed to me that the lost son got more reward than the loyal son. in my life, i've felt like the loyal son. and then part of me still feels like the lost son, even though I've always been at "home". ugh. i don't feel like typing out everything about this passage right now. so if you want more unloaded, just ask.

3) i have real problems with anger. i have a cold heart, especially towards other girls. my relationships with the same gender are just not as close as they should be. i harbor a great deal of resentment. i pinpointed the root of it, which i can't really express adequately on a public blog, so if you want more unloaded, then once again, please ask.

4) the last point comes down to essentially two things
-forgiveness
-humbling myself. letting down my pride. getting my high horse. i value my identity and opinions too much. even over Christ. i need that stipped away.

with those two things, maybe reconcilation can take place. and this isn't just with girls. but with the other gender too, especially my closest relationships.

This is all seems very straight-forward and list-like. But I'm struggling with a great deal of emotions dealing with these things. Lately, it's just been, just been ugh. So in the dark. I just want to be in light. I want to be completely transformed. I had a really good cry last night, in talking to people I didn't even know until this weekend (my small group for the weekend). I hate crying in front of people, but honestly in just felt good to let go. There was only one person I knew in the small group, but I never knew him all too well, or his story leading to him knowing Christ. It was good that he was in my group because he went to my high school. It's amazing to see how Christ has transformed someone I used to know as someone else. I don't get to see that too often. It's really encouraging. I really liked everyone in my small group, and was able to rejoice with them in their sorrows and joys.

I am letting go now.



on a completely different note, a lot of my roommates are catching on to my love for organic and yummy foods at Trader Joe's. They're shopping there and even keep talking about it. Now if only I could be as excited about Christ to other friends as I am for Trader Joe's.



" I could more easily contain Niagra Falls in a tea cup than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable love of God. If our faith is going to be criticized, let it be for the right reasons. Not because we are too emotional but because we are not emotional enough; not because our passions are so powerful but because they are so puny; not because we are too affectionate but because we lack a deep, passionate, uncompromising affection for Jesus Christ."
-The Ragamuffin Gospel