a little tired from job hunting

I'm struggling to figure out what is more important to me at THIS POINT of my life- a meaningful job I can be passionate about, or a job where I make bank.

I seem unable to obtain either.

The job market sucks. I'm gonna write a screenplay and maybe make a movie with Nicole. Maybe thats what it should about. Liberal arts majors trying to get paid to DO SOMETHING. Anything. Kinda like 'Reality Bites' but apply it to today's terrible economy and slightly different lifestyles.

Tomorrow's my last day at Prince William Forest Park. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna miss working. But then again it will be nice to be able to find A JOB and not slave labor (aka SCA internship).

these non-pessimistic posts keep coming

This will be optimistic post #2.

God is showing me he is faithful and that he provides. Even though I don't have any bites for full-time salaried jobs.

I had an interview for a coffee shop in Clifton yesterday and will have an interview for a part-time after school job teaching English on Thursday.

I'm hoping I get both jobs- and together that will almost be like a real job!

But it's good to know I'm not stranded, doing nothing after my internship. I got some possibilities. Who knows where they will lead?

Asante sana Yesu!

all you need is love

I am DONE being a pessimist.

It's time to find joy in life. Not scrutinize it, yanking out all the bad things. Dwelling on all the uncertainty. Embrace uncertainty. It's exciting. It's adventurous. It's a wild ride.

My life is a life in flux (hence the name of the blog).

I notice that listening to oldies lifts up my spirits.

But even more so, feeling loved.

We had a family reunion this weekend. Now that was love. It's love when you see people you have only met once or twice in your life and they fully embrace you.

I feel love from being able to converse with older women without feeling the generation gap. But simply chatting and being affirmed by them as a woman.

I feel love when I eat my grandma's cooking.

I feel love when I can get along wonderfully with my cousin who couldn't be more different than me.

I feel love when a college friend calls me just because.

I feel love when friends invite me out, even if I can't go.

I feel love when I embarrass myself beyond belief but everybody just laughs.

I feel love when someone cleans up after me.

I feel love from seeing friends at weddings.

I feel love from weirdo inside jokes such as klaus the gnome.

I feel God's love when finding a new place I had yet to discover.

I feel God's love when I can find joy from a simple car ride down a winding road.

I feel love when people read my stories and poems even though I'm kind of embarrassed by them.

I feel God's love when I experience humorous consequences from mistakes I make.

I feel love when dancing in a group of friends.

I feel love when my grandma talks up my acting based simply on a videotape of a high school play I was in.

I feel love when my friends stalk my facebook.

I feel love when I watch the office with my brother.

I feel love when my old roommate still texts me Arrested Development lines.

I feel love when people affirm my talents. Or that I'm smart. Or beautiful.

I feel love with the couple of friends who I know I can call about my problems and they will really listen. No matter when.

In many areas, I don't feel love. And I want that love but I know it'll take time.

I need to let go of my expectations and embrace the love I do have.

On a slightly related note, I love oldies music. It's idealistically romantic. That reminds me I shouldn't settle on whatever seems to be in front of me. Or whatever seems easy. That sorta love IS out there for me, and it'll be grand, but I cannot settle for less. Or focus on boys who won't pursue me.

That sort of love is out there. But for now, I do have love. God loves me. My family loves me. And my friends love me. And I have friends everywhere. In different cities, states and even countries.

I love that.

i have written a lot of little poems lately. i need to start revising.


i have an ongoing novel-turned-movie cinematically panning scenes through my head. but i find little rest to write it all down.


i have ignored my bounds of summer reading.

its not like i have too much to do.

it's that i have a one-track mind- lift. run. yoga. hike. bike. eat a little. socialize.resumes.cover letters. repeat several times over.

i'm sorry literature, the elliptical machine is now my best friend. until i'm at a nice weight, i may speak with you less often.

god, i will try not to do the same to you.

a little letter

Dear Lord,

When I fall in love, I want it to be as filled with startling, all-consuming passion as the movie "Music From Another Room."

Does that exist?

Look forward to hearing your response!

Your Daughter,
Janelle

an odd number

"A real Christian in an odd number anyway. He feels supreme love for One whom he has never seen, talks familiarly every day to Someone he cannot see, expects to go to heaven on the virtue of Another, empties himself in order to be full, admits he is wrong so he can be declared right, goes down in order to get up, is strongest when he is weakest, richest when he is poorest, and happiest when he feels worst. He dies so he can live, forsakes in order to have, gives away so he can keep, sees the invisible, hears the inaudible, and knows that which passes knowledge."

Does anyone know which A.W. Tozer book that quote is from? I really like it.

On another note, as a proud CNU InterVarsity Alum, I wanted to share the new cnu IV website! www.cnuiv.com

From the front page, Beth G. does such a great job communicating what this college ministry is all about. It's got me missing InterVarsity, for certain. But, as much as I miss it, I know it's time to move forward into my post-college spiritual life.

Why is it so hard to continue being a Christian after college? That's a future blog which I will try to answer.

For me, it was really easy to develop ideals and opinions about my faith in college. It seems that life now is about putting those ideals into practice. But when you work a 9-5 job, it gets hard to care. That's what it's been like for me, anyway. The thing that sobers me about Tozer's quote is that most of the time I just don't care. A Christian is an odd number.

asante sana yesu!

In kiswahili, that simply means "thank you very much Jesus!"

God's been speaking into my life, powerfully, today. It's the first time in awhile that I'm gripping a few pieces of his huge, mysteriously difficult jigsaw puzzle. Lord, give me ears to hear and eyes to see! Through everything. Through my lunch break, through Kay Arthur's prophesy, through conversation with my parents and new friends, through sermons, through my brother, even through GodTV!

Faith and belief is coming alive to me in a renewed, refreshed sense. I've been caught in a spiritual famine and have been dealing with a lot of doubt. This is nothing miniscule. Every day, it seems like, I'm tempted to walk away from God, for good. It's a daily struggle to just even put a little bit of faith in God and trust in him.

I've been downloading sermons which Kevin Hass has been preaching at By Grace, since I left Newport News to go back home. This has been only a recent activity, starting last week. I would burn a cd for each sermon from the computer, and listen to them coming and going from work. Now, there is nothing great in me doing this. I always seem to miss the point. But today, I listened to a sermon from Luke 9 and Mark 9 which Hass preached awhile ago, and the Word of God came alive to me. Now don't misunderstand, although Hass is a really solid teacher, it wasn't from him alone. What he was preaching actually resonated with a lot of teachings I have heard about faith since I've been home either from church, or bible study or from my dad, and have simply rejected, or brought into huge question. I guess the difference was that Hass was inductively going through a chunk of scripture which is how I prefer to be taught (I mean, don't we all have our preferences?). But there was absolutely no difference in the main message, in what God's been trying to hammer into me all along. There was even no big difference in this message than a message I heard on GodTV the night before (a channel I very frequently, and not so secretly, become skeptical of).

The message?

Have faith in God.

I'll let the passage in Mark 9 say what needs to be said. It preaches for itself. The text is so alive.
(I'll bolden what particularly hits me).

Mark 9:14-29
And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him. And he asked them, "What are you arguing about with them?" And someone from the crowd answered him, "Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able." And he answered them, "O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me." And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." And Jesus said to him, "'If you can'! All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" 25And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, "He is dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And he said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer."

Here's a link to the sermon if you want to check it out-http://www.bygraceonline.org/sermons/audio_sermons_2008.htm
It's on Luke 9:36-50 from May 25, 2008.


I took a walk in the woods today and I wanted to share a little bit about it. There was a part in the trail where I became absolutely petrified of my surroundings. Paranoid that I'd get bit by a black widow or be approached by a poisonous snake. Or worse, that I'd run into some horrible serial killer because I was all alone in the isolated wilderness. I don't normally get like that. I have a lot of emotional fears but not a lot of paranoia. I very often walk into danger, completely oblivious to it, because quite frankly I don't usually take too much care. Well, I was freaked out. I walked faster, afraid that some spider would put its venom into my veins. And at some point, I started praying. I have a lot to pray about and I basically surrendered everything. And I kept on repeating, "Lord, I belive, Father, I believe, Spirit, I believe, I believe in you. Help my unbelief. Help me. Help me. Help me." I thought about the positive of being in this time of spiritual famine: that through this, God is showing how GREAT and MAJESTIC his grace and mercy is that he would save and love a complete and totally depraved wretch like me. In the past year, I've felt this. And I did not appreciate why God was doing it, I did not even ask why but instead kept asking God to remove it from me. But today, God brought me into appreciation for this dry time, as absurd as it may sound. That through seeing my depravity, I could genuinely enter into God's grace and overwhelming presence. That I need to submit to God TOTALLY and completely depend on Him at ALL times.

I didn't GET it before. I KNEW it in my HEAD. But I DIDN'T GET IT!

Thank you Jesus for helping my unbelief. I have so much farther to go, but just this little mustard seed makes a world of difference.

the hunger years

I want to write a book with that title. I think that's title been used already. Anyone know? I don't want to face reality by looking it up.

The reason why I'm not setting down to write anything is because it'd be a little too autobiographical. Not like writers don't do that shamelessly, but I need a little bit of distance from things before I can write about them, and ultimately, fictionalize them.

"The Hunger Years" would be about an idealistic girl who just graduated college and has no clue how her life is supposed to be. She feels a strong calling to go back to her hometown, but when she gets there, she starts to experience a deep spiritual hunger which she finds herself incapable to feed. More summary to come later.

call and response

I wish people were more open with each other. That way I wouldn't feel so miserable about my own life all the time. I particularly wish that more church leaders would take on more vulnerability. At a time where I'm trying to grasp for some example of a real, breathing, fallen being trying to live out their spiritual walk, I find very few honest people who are transparent in a Christ-like way.

I've been doubting my faith a lot lately. I hear all these teachings- really good, powerful teachings. I know I can never live up to them. And I simply have very little desire to even do so. And I know that's the point- we are deprived human beings and we cannot possibly do it without Christ's grace carrying us through. But sometimes I feel as though he doesn't care about me anymore. These are merely feelings I know and we cannot trust in feelings. My feelings do not determine my relationship with God. But it'd sure be nice if I could for once feel his presence in my life.

I know I'm not doing enough. I have very poor discipline. Some in the church suggest that it's not about what you do, it's what God does. And some suggest that you need to work at your faith, and pursue God (with the assumption that this in a response to his pursuit of you). I think it's both, and I feel a little less Calvinist at this moment because I know he's already done the work. He's called me and now he's waiting for my response. But at the same time, I am a complete Calvinist, knowing that I can't respond on my own. Maybe it's due to depression, or maybe it's general human condition. I can't do it! I can't save me from myself!!

God, please save me from myself!!

words of mr. bazan

sums up where i'm at right now...

"you're up with the sunrise
and down when the work's been done
with excellence industry
diligence naturally
i would like to be you
just for a few habit-forming years
laziness cuts me like fine cutlery
i need a miracle - someone to help me
myself
sweet jesus, i need you
forgive me this sin
not hookers or heroin, gambling or gin
it sounds so ridiculous, but i just can't lift this
i need a miracle - someone to help me myself
someone to help me
help myself "

surrender

that's the keyword in my life right now.

Reaching for an Invisible God

I was thoroughly enjoying Phillip Yancey's Reaching for An Invisible God but then he got all Armenian on me. Ugh.

While he brings up some good points, I with my little knowledge of theology, could easily challenge a couple of them.

But that's for another blog. It doesn't matter if he's Armenian or Calvinist. This book is good and I just wish all of the people who have told me that Christians are supposed to be happy optimists would read it. It discusses just about every issue and doubt Christians have about Christian faith. Lately I have doubted the presence of my own faith due to my constant pessimism but Yancey challenges that assumption.

I may turn this into a longer blog later. For now, I don't have much more to say. Just pick it up and read it for yourself.

another frustration

Do you ever feel like God's putting you on hold?

What do you do in that waiting time? Especially when you have no self-benefitting motivation to read your bible or pray because it seems like God's just gonna keep going in his ambiguities.

Doing anything just to glorify God with no expectations is just really counter-intuitive.

God's sovereignty in his relationship with us

As much as many people try to dismiss the significance of the armenian vs. calvinism debate, I have found that it's been pretty important. At least in my personal walk with God.

A lot of things I do an a lot of things I think are influenced by the whole topic. One thing I wonder about-

Sometimes I sit in church. And I enjoy the worship and maybe sing with it, but I don't particularly feel moved to jump out of my chair and clap and sing. Maybe I am in a more contemplative mood. Or maybe I'm honestly distracted by outside things.

Is this a sovereign thing or my own free will acting? I feel that God moves us when he wills, but then again, we have to take a part of it. We have to willfully respond.

But then again, if God wills us to worship when he does, does that make us respond like robots?

I do think, though, that sovereign action is taken when we worship. I, on my own accord, in my own flesh, have no will to worship God. However, he still shows up, and when I am unwilling to see him, in small disruptive ways.

And another topic for another blog is the issue of the permanence of our salvation. I have to be honest. Almost every day, I feel the urge to walk away from God. I've seriously threatened him that I do it. His response: it seems like he laughs kindly in my face and says "Oh sweet Janelle. I am never letting you go." And I want to walk away because the Christian life is hard and I'm tired of feeling like a failure. And I forget the gospel everyday. But God is this gravitational force which keeps pulling me. His lovingkindness and tender mercies speak enough truth into me to know that I am his child and I will forever be his.

And that's where questions about election and predestination step in. Will God ever let me go? No. Can I experience freedom in his love? Yes. But when will that happen? Has God set a specific time where he will suddenly lift the veil from my eyes or do I have to struggle in the spiritual disciplines to obtain it? I feel that it's a mixture of both. And I do have some personal responsibility in my walk with Jesus. To spend time with him. To pray. To love. To serve. To lead. To enjoy. To be a child. To glorify his name.

He has placed me here with this calling- and I have to follow it. Sure, he leads me but he's not gonna baby me through it.

expectant, not expecting

I honestly feel like a big jerk sometimes. Like I'm ready to get into an argument rather than to listen to someone much wiser than I am.

I sat through a teaching the other night which frustrated me. When asked why it did afterward, I couldn't even put it into words. Now I have words. It seemed too clear cut. Too simple. You're either this or that sorta mentality.

But the teaching wasn't wrong. I'm seeing that now. The way it was presented flustered me. But that turns out to be based on generational differences and much more minorly on theological differences than I thought. Different cultures approach things in different ways. And my generation is slightly more sophisticated than other generations before us. Does that mean we know more? Have a better way of presenting it? Or are we just so ambivalent that we're all over the place?

The teaching was on God's character of being a giver. Meaning, if we ask him of something, he will give. I do not think this happens in every situation, but I do believe that God has promised to answer the inmost desires of our heart and we just need to receive them. By faith, we have every blessing our Father gives to us.

I guess my response to this is to open myself more to receive from people. And give too. And receive from my Father. I think I'm generally pretty closed-off, emotionally, from God and from people.

Recieve his blessings. Receive his grace. And ask. It never hurts to ask.

But all in the meanwhile, I stumbled upon this very simple truth by Dr. Langberg on some advice column:

...everyone lives with uncertainty in life. None of us knows what awaits us tomorrow, and many people long for things in life they never get. Ultimately, the only certainty any Christian has is knowing the God who sees what tomorrow holds. God continually asks us to trust him—even in the midst of uncertainty.

I can't be certain that if I pray for God to give me a job, that he'll do it in the way I expect it to be. No one can place a time frame on him. But I can know God and trust him in my uncertainty.

To be expectant but not expecting.

trust in God, not intellect

As I have been home the past couple of weeks, I've been struggling to uphold and justify my version of faith versus some friends and family.

This has been wildly unsuccessful. My intellectual strivings towards God in trying to disprove a theology next to mine does not put my dependence on him, but on reason, logic and articles. Not that engaging your mind is bad. By no means! But relying on intellectual knowledge completely is harmful to one's faith.

Even apologist Ravi Zacharias thinks so. Every once in awhile, I listen to his podcast, "Let my people think" (you can download it for free on itunes). I listened to his most recent message on the account of Daniel, and he made a good point which I will butcher in my paraphrase: Human knowledge is often shortsighted and leans on the judgment of people. We must be a people who intellectually engages, but ultimately trusts and depends on God's wisdom.


Last night, I watched a pretty c-level movie "License to Wed" which was so bad it was hard to sit through. But I did get something out of it (akin to my spiritual enlightenment from the very bad "Evan Almighty"). John Krasinki's character did not trust the priest(Robin Williams) who was giving him and his fiance (Mandy Moore) an extreme marriage counseling course. He was so caught off guard by the priest's apparently devious and outrageous methods, that he committed himself to investigate for the priest's weak spot to bring it to his fiance, who did in fact trust the priest. He was so busy investigating that he did not even write his wedding vows in time.

And that actually convicted me. I've been so busy trying to disprove certain movements I've been skeptical about that I have not even spent any real time alone with God to receive his love and devote my vows to him and I have not been loving my friends and family well, because I've been more dependent on my skeptical logic than on God to heal me in a time I need him most.

I've been trying to be a leader when I need to be a child first (following this order: child- disciple- servant- leader). I need to focus on my own faith and my own healing before I become too caught up in changing everyone else.

i am praying for discernment.

these are difficult times.

i don't want to see anyone led astray.

Humanity's Sacred Union with the Earth

I finished my senior seminar paper this week (finished is a relative term, because while I completed it to turn in, it does not seem nearly finished).


I know many of you were interested in reading it. My paper is about the connections between sustainable farming and faith, which is rooted in the bond we should have with nature, being good caretakers of creation. This paper takes the attempt to live a Christian life in wholeness, in shalom, seriously. Wholeness in the gospel covers a lot of terf and one area is loving creation, while not setting it over God. If what I say interests you, puzzles you or captivates you, I urge you to read this essay.

Humanity's Sacred Union with the Earth: Broken, but Redeemed by Good Soil

the victory is ... ?

A lot of positive things have happened, all within a week.

I got an internship, I got a car, I won a short story award, I am passing all my classes to graduate, I've shared nostalgic memories with old friends, I've passed on wisdom to younger friends who strangely look up to me, I figured out the direction I need to head in next fall, I've gone for good walks, indulged in hot krispy kremes and have let life be fun.

Where is my victory? In none of this. Through everything, I've remained mildly depressed. I am so crooked deep down, it's hard to be grateful for all the good things, which are good.

I'm going to start reading Desiring God by John Piper today. I need to know about the happiness of God.

Though, God is showing me his goodness. I've doubted him so much this semester. I doubted his goodness. I looked to a bleak ending to my college life. I didn't think anything would work out.

It's time to embrace happiness. It's time to conquer my sins, through Christ's power alone. It's time to overcome. It's time to proclaim victory.

It's time to heal.

I love to sing this really loud in an empty house

FROM THE DEPTHS OF WOE (Psalm 130)
From the depths of woe I raise to Thee a voice of lamentation
Lord turn a gracious ear to me and hear my supplication
If thou iniquity dost mark, our secret sins and misdeeds dark
O who shall stand before thee? (Who shall stand before thee?)
To wash away the crimson stain grace, grace alone availeth
Our works alas are all in vain, in much the best life faileth
No man can glory in Thy sight, all must alike confess Thy might
And live alone by mercy (Live alone by mercy).
Therefore my trust is in the Lord and not in mine own merit
On Him my soul shall rest, His Word upholds my fainting spirit
His promised mercy is my fort, my comfort and my sweet support
I wait for it with patience (Wait for it with patience).
What though I wait the live-long night and till the dawn appeareth
My heart still trusteth in His might, it doubteth not nor feareth
Do thus, O ye of Israel’s seed, ye of the Spirit born indeed
And wait till God appeareth (Wait till God appeareth).
Though great our sins and sore our woes
His grace much more aboundeth
His helping love no limit knows, our utmost need it soundeth
Our shepherd good and true is He, who will at last His Israel free
From all their sin and sorrow (All their sin and sorrow)
Text: Martin Luther, 1523

healing time

I hate how emotions and anxieties from my past are reverberating now as I'm graduating. I don't understand it. But it's there. I cry whenever I hear Rosie Thomas sing "pretty dress" or Eisley sing "telescope eyes," because it feels so real to me, today.

I'm not typically a crier, but this semester I've been a river. especially this week. I cried so much during my last large group, but probably for different reasons than people thought.

I'm in such need of healing, but most of the time, I become apathetic rather than struggle with it, head on. I hide behind books, music,my laptop screen, superficial conversation, and intellectual debates.

why the evolution debate is irrelevant to christian faith

Yes, I said it. It's irrelevant.

The book of Genesis, what a great book. I find so many truths when I read it. When I read about the importance of Creation. When I see how humans were once in harmony with god and creation and then was deceived. When I see the trueness of human nature and how man and woman were made, equal yet in different roles.

I see a lot of truth in Genesis.

I don't see any science. The book of Genesis does not support creationism or evolution. We cannot tell from an oral, metaphorical account how exactly God made the earth and the heavens. All we know is that he made it. That does not necessarily go against evolution. God could have set evolution into motion. How can we even possibly perceive what one day is to God? Our concept of time is not God's concept of time.

I read this quote from the Bible Institute and I totally disagree-

"This is similar to what happened with the issue of evolution. Before Charles Darwin and Charles Lyell, no one ever thought that the Bible taught any evolutionary origins of life. After Evolution became accepted by many in society, religious people tried to bend and twist the Bible to fit evolution rather than allow the Bible to mean what it says. Result - the acceptance of the day-age theory, which is an effort to force Genesis to match the beliefs of the world."

No, the Bible does not teach evolutionary origins, but neither does it teach "creationist science." I believe that many people in the past have created big, deep heresy by trying to make up biblical facts about creationism. Making up speculations about how old the earth is according to the Bible, when the Bible does not concern that.

I am not saying that the Bible is removed from the material world. Agricultural science could be interpreted in many of Jesus' parables, and it is important to note that Paul in his ministry engaged culture instead of alienating it. When he spoke on Mars Hill in Acts 17, he acknowledged the Greeks' statue to an unknown God, claiming he knew who that God was. He engaged their philosophy, rather than becoming completely irrelevant.

Creationism is completely irrelevant to our culture. Why can't we embrace the tenants of what science is, rather than trying to create a "science" which is not respected by most scientists. Faith is not a science, we can't engage it as one. People move creationism should be taught in schools, and that is absurd. I might buy the argument for intelligent design, but I am not even positive if that should be taught as a science or a philosophy.

I think that there is nothing wrong with Christians accepting evolutionary theory. Personally, I do not know, scientifically, how we got here. But who was there at the beginning of creation to know? I am not satisfied with any explanation, but I do accept that everything in creation was made and we were created in God's image. I believe Genesis is truth, but it is not science.

Stop making a book something that it isn't.

things i think about

-Will there ever be a point in my life where I ever feel like I belong? Is there a place, a community on this globe I'm meant to be?

- Am I ever capable of living up to my own ideals? When is the point where living my ideals is a realistic venture and not a far-off dream?

- When will I stop wandering and feel settled? Where is my place of contentment if such a place exists in this life?

- Would finding my significant other actually complete me? I'm sure I'll find something to be discontent about, probably dealing with his weaknesses.

-How much is up to God and how much is my own choice? Will I ever hear a clear word from God about where I'm going?

-If I know I can find true joy in God, then why don't I spend more time enjoying his presence? Do I actually like/indulge in despair?

- How can I enjoy God's presence in a period of stormy weather? How can I enjoy him when I so easily distracted by so many frivolous things?

i wish...

i wish that i found satisfaction in God. i hate the things i try to find satisfaction in.

and i suck at guarding my heart, even when there is really no one who poses immediate threat.

how does one deal with despair? the easy, christian answer is to pray and read the bible. but what happens when you are so sunken in, you just don't feel like it. i know that "not feeling like it" is kind of a cop out.

church on sundays seem to be the only time i start to fall down on my knees and realize how much I need to pray and read the Word. and then i go about my week, like a half-hearted creature content in playing in mud piles.

during the week, my heart develops bad habits...these habits lead me to places i don't need to be. places i gravitate so naturally cause it's in my nature. i feel so steeped in this "casual" sin, that there seems to be no exit. it seems to be hopeless. i feel like i will never be healed of this. perhaps i'm wrong, cause Christ can do anything, but this is how I feel.


"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but I hate what I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to; no, the evil I do not want to do-- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me who does it.....

what a wretched (wo)man I am! who will rescue me from this body of death?


Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord."


Romans 7

almost coherent thought for the week on Christian existentialism

Sometimes I wonder what it means to be both depressed and be a Christian, especially in our postmodern age when existentialism is so popular, and not necessarily completely contradictory to Christian faith. Without God, everything is devoid of meaning. I think the fact that God is sovereign and has complete control of our lives sounds pretty existential sometimes. It seems like I've become a Christian existentialist without even meaning to, mainly due to my depression, I'm sure. Sometimes all I see from my life is suffering, to which I have no control over. I cannot control my emotions.

I want to live a life where the good news is actually good news to me. Where I can claim victory in Christ (and nothing else, everything else is devoid of meaning). Where I can experience joy which nothing else can give.

I seek the truth. And sometimes, the truth is hard to swallow. Ignorance is bliss, right? The truth of God in my life is something I cannot ignore, but sometimes it's just hard to take in. I put so much responsibility on myself. I guilt myself when I'm not connected as I think I should be.

And I'm depressed. That's a real disorder. And yes, you can be a Christian who takes joy in the Lord, and still be depressed. But, I'm commanded by God to be glad. Where is the line drawn? When do I give in too much to my futile thoughts? It's an ongoing battle- the fight between me obtaining joy and giving in to futility. It changes almost every minute. I'm not bipolar, but sometimes it feels like such a bipolar spirituality- I go from a mountain peak to a valley within moments. Where is my steady ground? I think many of us are in this condition, and quite honestly I don't think it's something that we can control. The internal battles are often between God and principalities of Darkness.

So, what can we do? How can I, a Christian who struggles (but sometimes doesn't put forth much effort) with depression, do to claim victory in Christ? Is it more of an action or simply a way of being? Maybe both are integrated. We are called to take action, but sometimes actions burn us out and we just need to be still.

When my spirits are low and my heart is under attack, what can I do?

Prayer is the integration, I believe. It invites us to take action (in the act of praying) but also to be passive. When we pray, we slow down our hearts and minds to listen to the heartbeat of our Creator. The actions lulls us into being.

I need to pray more. Honestly, something's been preventing me. I need to repent of whatever it is. Yes I can be a Christian and be depressed. But I cannot lean on my depression, clinging on to it, and using it as excuse. I need to cling to the gospel- the salvation of God incarnate rescuing me from my grave.

I do feel genuine times of continuous gladness. And then I fall. But no matter where my emotions lie, my Lord is always with me. And that's something to celebrate. I can't simply be a Christian existentialist ALL the time.

habits

-i zone out around large groups of people, lost in my own thoughts

-after a surge of energy and excitement always comes the pitfall into inner anguish

-my spiritual battle seems to be a fight against my "existential" futile thoughts and my emotional, heavy heart.

- i set high expectations for future events and relationships just to be disappointed

- i talk over people. i like to talk about myself and then at the end out of courtesy, i ask, "and how are you?"

- i enjoy attention, but i often get embarrassed by it

- i idolize deadly things

-i treat people like they're only props and characters toward my own existence. i don't care about people as much as i pretend.

- i breathe fire when people disagree with me. i let them very little opportunity to defend themselves.

-even though i have grown to be more confrontational, i am still way too passive-aggressive, and i play games just to test people.

- i always want the guy i like at whatever time to initiate conversation with me, and i get pissy when they don't even though i don't do anything.

- i complain way too much. i am bitter and cynical.

- i think and overanalyze so much that i become depressed.

- i am a verbal processor. that means when i am upset, who ever comforts me, hears EVERYTHING.

-i always try to go deep way too quickly for people when they're not ready or they just want things to be light and fluffy.

-from a distance, i appear light and fluffy, but i have such a heavy heart, that sometimes i just can't do anything.

-i really suck as a person. sometimes i wish people would see that. sometimes i hate it that a lot of people think i'm so sweet and noble. i hate fake or false appearances. i don't want to be seen one way or another. i do not have it altogether because i'm a christian. i'm in even more desperate need because i'm a christian.

- i enjoy human praise way too much. and sometimes i become cowardly when i need to tell people how i see truth. i become silent because of the tolerance trap. and because i don't want to be that girl. i'd rather have people like me then know the good news of christ's salvation.

-sometimes i focus way more on the despair part of my faith and i forget to take victory in the good news.

-i'd rather spend time on facebook then i would with god.

-i am way too obsessed with finding that guy, even though i hardly openly admit it and i pretend i don't want to get married for 10 years when really it's 3.

-i am way too quick to pour my heart out on damn online blogs.

(this blog is now becoming livejournal with all the anguished complaining i'm consumed in)

- i purposely keep distant in my relationships with people

- i hate asking for help

-i have a lot of pride. and little humility.

-i always need god.

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

One thing I do know: I have to go back to Manassas.

I know this because God told me to. I would much rather go to Oregon, Philly, California, Kenya.

Ready for my transitional post-college era, I have applied or thought about applying to these places.

Borders
Trader Joe's (my parents not crazy about those high aspirations)
farm intern
americorps
sub teacher for PWC schools
teacher assistant
editorial assistant
library assistant

and there's several more. i don't know. i want to be a writer. A WRITER #$@@g!!!
But that's the most impractical thing in the world to want to be. and i can't be one right now, cause i'm an inexperience, naive little girl who everyone will probably reject (and i hate facing rejection!)


god is faithful, though. dang, right he is!!!

i've got the victory

Ever since I went home a couple weeks ago to see my brother who was in the hospital and be with my family, God has brought my heart through intense healing. It began with my own dad encouraging me and counseling me through my depressed state. Two late night conversations with him from across the dinner table and a car ride home back to CNU. We prayed through scripture together. He said he'd be praying for me through everything that God will bring healing to my heart.

I had trouble deciding what I'd do for spring break. Go to Newark, NJ with my IV chapter for inner city missions or go home to help take care of my brother? It was a tough decision but God gave me peace about going to Newark so I just went. I hated it at first. I hated the smell. I hated that I had to sleep in sleeping bag in a corner of a room stuffed with girls and share 2 showers among all 35 of us students who went. I hated how many loud seemingly ungrateful rambunctious children I had to serve food to and was secretly glad I didn't have to "deal" with them at kids club.

Despite my hate, God brought me to love. And I left Newark loving it and loving the inner city. I worked on the "manna" team which meant we cooked food for a mass of people every night, and during the daytime were teacher assistants at this missional school called the World Impact Centre. I made sure the foods were cooked well with the right spices and ingredients. That was the gift I contributed to my team- my flavor anointing. During the day, I assisted a class of 7 5th grade students, mostly from low-income families, but at a very good school. The school wasn't rich. In fact the teachers have to raise their entire salaries, but it was a very good school. All my kids were very bright even though the boys were super ADHD.

Sensitive is the primary word you can use to describe me during this week. I got easily anxious, upset, excited, exhilarated. I was always at emotional extremes and my feelings were vulnerable and easily hurt.

It was a miracle that happened. Before my brother's recent sickness and this trip, I was very apathetic and all my feelings were suppressed. I could not feel any joy in what I could do. But I did cry out to God in my despair. I was actually very angry at him. It seemed that he was at times that he was good but not powerful enough to heal me, or powerful but not good enough to heal me. The depths of my heart could only see despair. It was veiled with an icy cold layer which prohibited me from seeing or hearing God.

It was a miracle that I was sensitized. For the first time in who knows how long I am able to sing loud and out of key with no shame, dance recklessly in pure joy, act foolish for the cross of Jesus, I take hold of my victory I have in him. God has made me into a child again. His child. I am no longer an orphan. I can see and I can hear and I can taste what the Lord has for me and his people.

What do I feel? What do I sense?
An overwhelming peace.

Through my progressive healing, God enabled me to love people more. People who I have judged, whether they were the crazy kids or people in my chapter who I labeled and wrote off as being something they're not. God has opened up my heart and mind as he is helping me release my pride and bring everything to the cross. As he is breaking my chains that suppress me, in shyness, from really getting to be with people.

God is placing a new song on my lips. Life feels like life. Not a mundane, meaningless cycle.

And some conclusion about post undergrad has cleared up. I'm going home this summer. How long will I be there. For however long until God tells me to leave to become a teacher or go to seminary for education. Because I found something that through Newark, God showed me I could do: teach.

I am partially nervous about going home. I don't have a car there. I won't have a close-knit college community. And I never liked Manassas. In fact, I went to college with my heart set on never returning to Manassas for longer than a few weeks at a time. It is only by the grace of God that I feel called to go home, and help take care of my brother and reconcile myself to my family and that place I always hated so much.

I talked to my mom this evening about the decision. And I mentioned that I was praying that God would provide me a car to get around in. She surprised me, telling me that she's been praying since Christmas that God would provide a car for me and I have only started to pray about it!

Romans 8 sums it all up pretty well. I read it in one of my quiet times this past week, and ended up reading it with a few of my other friends. Through Christ, I am more than a conqueror of my depression. I am more than a conqueror of my sin. I have the victory.

i played the game

i am coming to hate religion more each day.

and i see my need for the cross getting bigger each day.

nothing is happening though. i see my need, but i'm just reduced to despair or apathy.

i see the religious through this acting in form. i know it's just a game. i've been there. i played the game.

as i'm hating religion more, i see how much I need Christ as my life.

but I can't grasp it. the despair and apathy entangle into a web which I'm caught in.

Lord, please fetch me out. And cast out my religiosity. Because I know there is nothing good I can do- no matter how much i attend church, or how many missions i go on- there is nothing I can do on my own to get out of this web.

stuff white people like

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

Here is a blog that tells you everything about me. Really, it's pretty sad...

here are some major tip-offs

#71- being the only white person around (i mean, i do want to go to africa)

#64- recycling

Recycling is a part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the earth without having to do that much.

Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties) and then when you’re done you just put it in a DIFFERENT bin than where you would throw your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great, it’s so easy!

#62 knowing what's best for poor people

They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal*Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to Community College/get a job instead of studying art at a University.

#61 bicycles

But there is a special category of bicycles that appeal far more to white women, the European city bike (pictured). White women have a lot of fantasies about idealized lives, and one of them is living in Europe and riding around an old city on one of these bikes. They dream about waking up and riding to a little cafe, then visiting bakeries and cheese shops and finally riding home to prepare a fancy meal for their friends who will all eat under a canopy with white Christmas lights. This information can be used to help gain the trust/admiration of a white woman, especially if you can pull off a lie about how your mother told you about how she used to do all of these things when she was younger.

#47 arts degrees

#41 indie music

If you want to understand white people, you need to understand indie music. As mentioned before, white people hate anything that’s “mainstream” and are desperate to find things that are more genuine, unique, and reflective of their experiences.

#38 arrested development

Even though most white people prefer to say that they don’t watch television, one thing they agree on is that Arrested Development was the best show on TV. They love it so much!

# 32 vegan/vegetarianism

#28 not having a tv

#18 awareness

"An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe that all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness.” Meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, and then magically someone else like the government will fix it."

#10 wes anderson films

#1 coffee


A very humorous, truth-telling blog indeed. It describes me to the tee.

And that disturbs me. This blog is very revealing of my sin.

This blog isn't just describing white people. I am an archetype of a culture that is so self-absorbed and guilt-ridden. Yep, that's me.

Everything in here points back to Self and making one feel better.

How do I as a Christian respond to this?

I am a Christian, yes. But I put my identity in all these other things. Sure, I want to serve the poor, but really, part of my motivation sometimes is to alleviate my own guilt. I'm not noble in any capacity. I think about myself all the time.

But God is full of grace and compassion which I will never acquire. He lowered himself, coming to earth as man, and died a shameful death and was resurrected, to save humankind from themselves. And here I am because of that, saved by his grace, loved by his mercy, but still I succomb to being hip, trying to make myself happy, and attempting to alleviate my guilt on my own.

I've thought about this a lot recently. I know, no matter what, I am a daughter of God, and nothing can separate myself from him, but I don't I take my cross to follow Jesus. Yes, I talk about loving God and loving people, but I'm all talk and no action. Following Jesus means to die to yourself, the cravings of your sinful nature, and to live life by the spirit. I don't do any of those things. I know I am saved by grace without merit, but sometimes I feel ashamed to call myself a Christian when I'm a really a self-absorbed hypocrite.

I just re-read Matthew 19, and it's giving me some comfort as this was just as relevant of an issue back when Jesus walked the earth. This passage pretty much gives the answer, which is a pretty complex one:

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."

"Which ones?" the man inquired.

Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,' and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'"

"All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?"

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?"

Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

scared.

It's time for a confession, guys.

I'm scared shit of graduating.

No joke.

As I write this, I know God is calling me out of my comfortable middle class life. He has bigger plans for me. I've always known that God had not so ordinary things lined up for my life, but when I was younger I thought those would be things which would make me rich and famous. I wanted to soak in all the glory I could.

But no, God has not called me to that. God has called me to love the poor, a realization I had during after a fast last semester.

I don't want to do that. I want to be rich and famous, and soak in glory. This is what part of me, my flesh, wants.

I'm scared of this calling. I am ill-equipped and I don't know how to love as I should. How am I supposed to love people I rarely have ever come in contact with?

I want to run away. I don't want to fill out applications for americorps, peace corps, mission year or jesuit volunteer corp. I want to fill out applications for menial 9-5 positions instead.

But being with the poor is what I really want. Something inside tells me to go. I must listen. Fear keeps holding me back. I am not even afraid of the living situations, of the danger as much as I am afraid of being horrible. Of feeling like a miserable person cause I can't do it. That's what I'm afraid of.

But I have Christ and in him perfect love that casts out fear. And pretty much, he bids to come and DIE to myself- to my fears, to my faults, to my insecurities- so that I can truly live. The only way I can truly live is to do the will of the Father.

I need to be reminded of this everyday. Quite honestly, I need prayer. I need to be soaked in it, because Satan is trying to hold me back. But Christ's power is strong enough to break those chains. amen.

the pygmalion effect

I'm working on a new poem. The first one in a long time. I'm embarrassed to post my shitty first draft of it on the net- it seems kinda flighty and girly, but there are deep themes I need to explore- body image, self-creation and loss of identity.

The poem is about clothes. But it cannot just be about clothes. Basically this has been an idea I wanted to put to some thought form for quite awhile. I've been having a major crisis identity. This started after getting home from Kenya, but it got much worse over winter break. As a result, I've been dressing slightly differently, slightly better. And I really don't believe that someone is what they wear, but I act like it by my almost shame of not wearing my typical thrift store outfits anymore. I realized that I've labeled myself by what I wear.

I've created myself through my clothes. It kinda makes me sick. I don't want to create some image of myself that I want people to glorify. I want God to make me beautiful and radiate His glory.

And really, I have just been dressing for other people. There's a song Rosie Thomas sings that continually echoes in my head lately- "Paper Doll"

Tonight I'm like a paper doll
Dress me in what you wish I had on
And I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

Here I am, wordless again
You dress me up different ways
Flat and thin
Speechless within
You dress me up different ways
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

And I do not like the clothes I wear
I'd sooner throw them into the air
But I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

Here I am, wordless again
You dress me up different ways
Flat and thin
Speechless within
You dress me up different ways
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

Why is it now
You've cut me out
Of everything I was used to
Now it's not that I stand here with no choice
I will choose now to raise up my voice

Here I am, wordless again
Wordless again
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

Tonight I'm like a paper doll
Cut from the page I once lived on
And I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

I love this song. And it's funny how I can relate to it. Except no specific person is doing this to me- silencing me through changing who I am. I'm doing it to myself.

So now I don't know how this poem is gonna go. It's obviously gonna be a confessional poem, which are sometimes too preachy or sometimes too emotional. I don't want it to be either. That's kinda how it seems right now. To give you an idea, here's my shitty first draft:

My closet’s torn open,
Piles of bright colors
Fall on top each other
I rest my head upon a cashmere
And wonder what’s happened-
2 or 3 years of thrifting
replaced by corporate labels
the children of Indonesia
have suffered tearful hours
for me to rest my head
upon abundance
the guilt was sucked out
at some point when I
bought the second pair of boots

I’m recreating myself
Hoping my number one
Motive above any good
Intention will be appeased:
I want to be gazed upon
Like a blazen statue
I am my own pymalion
The effect I’ve created
has never ceasing
As thrift girl, I made myself
As posh girl, I made myself

What good is it to keep making and re-creating?
for a statue whose purpose is to be worshipped.
I have leaned on the wisdom of me
And the callous “what not to wear”

Dressed to the nines
I’m don’t feel very me
But was I really myself before?

See what I mean? The first stanza is OK. But the rest sucks. I need to "show and not tell." Any ideas?

?

everything's been good (on the surface).

"i have made you too small in my eyes. oh, Lord, forgive me."

i have some stuff to say...but i can't say it in a blog. church rocked me this week in an incredibly hard way. but i shrugged it off, and decided not to pay attention to it. and that's all i'm gonna say right now.

i just really need to talk to someone with a listening ear. because it's been like pulling teeth even getting any non-positive emotions to surface.

yes, i've been positive lately. but dangerously positive. not the good kind of positive, although seems all well on the outside.

someone please call me or visit me or write me. i need to talk.

12 things to organize my thought process

I'm still here. Still thinking God and life but it's hard to put my thoughts into words. A huge swirl of events and emotions have been dancing around me and I am both excited and exhausted by life.

I'll just go down the list of thoughts.

1) I'm gonna be volunteering for the Sentera Hospice. Interestingly, I got connected through my journalism class. Dr. Lee makes short documentaries of the patients and he is possibly making it into a bigger project. I'll just be helping by getting to know the patients, video taping them and hopefully be supplemented with material for my feature writing assignments. Please pray for me. This is a big chance for me to engage in a current life dream- help people and write about them. That's what I want to do with my life and I feel so blessed to be able to start soon. I need prayer about being with these dying people- that I'll be completely humble, and that God will fill my heart with compassion. I also need prayer that I can fit this into my crazy schedule.

2) I'm realizing that I sometimes relate to non-Christians better than Christians. There is no fault here; I just find it interesting. I like it. I don't want to be caught in a Christian bubble.

3) I'm really really busy this semester and taking on new things. To do this, I've had to prioritize things, and I decided to leave CNU TONiGHT. I'm gonna really miss it. Also, I think I should take less work hours.

4) I've been super self-conscious about my body image lately, thus I've been dressing better. It's an unusual shift for me. Ultimately, I just want to be skinny again, and I sometimes hold a grudge against all the skinny, pretty girls I see around campus. I don't want to. It sucks being so bitter sometimes.

5) Last week, I received a difficult assignment: To write an obituary of Roy Smith, who was a student at CNU. It was really hard for me, because he took his own life and I myself struggle with depression. Although I don't consider suicide too often, a week before this assignment I had an epiphany that if it were not for Christ in my life, I'd be dead by now (I don't know who reads this blog, I'm letting this out there, but I'd rather be truthful than hold stuff in, in hopes that people reading might empathize.) It made it really hard to write the obituary, and I had tough decisions to make, like whether to publish how Roy died (which I decided against). I almost feel akin to Roy even though I never met him, and I was most interested in writing an article which would honor him, his family and his friends. It was published in this week's Captain's Log and I received excellent feedback, which was arelief because never having written an obituary in my life, I was anxious (and thank God for people who edit your stories). I didn't know Roy but I am so glad I got the chance to do something life-honoring for him.

6) This ties into 4. I feel uncomfortable around most underclassmen. And I hate that, because I feel like I can relate to a lot of people, individually. And it might seem like I'm acting superior to them, when thats not true at all. I just can't relate as well. And that's made going to IV large group and events more difficult, because there are mostly underclassmen there now and I am uncomfortable meeting them and getting beyond surface relationships. And my self-consciousness mentioned in 4 ties into that. I feel a tension between wanting to be their friends, and just wanting a few intentional friends. But I don't know, getting older, I just don't feel like I fit in with them at all. And that's hard, because they seem like great people. But I think I should probably just focus on deeper relationships more than having a larger amount of friendships.

7) I've been thinking a lot lately about true humility and what it is to really love and it hit me at small group this week:

The words of John the Baptist:

"A man can receive only what is given him from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, 'I am not the Christ[j] but am sent ahead of him.' The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less."- John 3:27-29

I want to have this kind of humility.

8) I had a good conversation with Zach Fauver yesterday, talking about reformed theology. He pointed out some scriptures in John and it put me at rest. Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure at pursuing God or I try to do the work myself. But ultimately, it is God doing the work in me. It's so great being reminded that.

9) I'm lagging behind on my applications.

10) For my diversity/cultural competence class, I was to make a family tree, write my family background and present that with my resume to my class. I was incredibly vulnerable, but I mean, anytime I talk about my life I have to be vulnerable or it wouldn't be truth. And sometimes I forget how interesting my life sounds to people who aren't me. But I think it's just because I'm a writer and I make things more dramatic than they are. Eh, oh well.

11) I'm trying to bust out of my cynical mode. It's not who I am.

12) I am UBER excited about a couple things right now but I can't talk about it or I might jinx it. Oh golly gosh, am I just thrilled. And I have Feist stuck in my head. =) More later.

notes to self

1) God's expectations are not always my expectations. His ways are higher than mine.

2) stop spending all your time watching the office, arrested development and playing scrabulous on facebook

3) get into scripture. get fed. eat with God.

4) loneliness is universal. stop feeling like you're the only one.

5) stop trying to control your destiny.

6) boys are stupid. stop thinking about them. stop overanalyzing.

7) stay informed about kenya and other things on around the globe.

8) make sure you call your friends this week.

9) value your family

10) remember that no matter how much you fail, you are always a daughter of God- precious and valued in HIS sight.

another family affair?

I have tried my best to stray away from having political arguments with members of my family, as I enjoy building unity rather than trying to project my rightness over anyone.

And really, the things I believe in (the causes) are not purely political. And I'm sick of parties having claims over them. And while I want to vote in someone who projects these values, they still could be Democrat or Republican. Sadly, many republicans regard these values as leftist.

fighting poverty
environmental care
human rights
ending world hunger
providing educational opportunities for everyone
providing vocational training

yes, the evils of liberalism.

truth is, neither party fights for truth as much as they try to lead on.

so who will i vote for in 2008?

preferably someone who stands by these issues, and ALSO is against abortion. and against the war in Iraq. and won't give the government more legitimacy to red tape everything.

who fits into this ideal candidate?

no one.

i'm sick of politics and sick of pointless family debates.

Violence in Kenya

Pray for Kenya

When I was in Kenya this summer, I watched a lot of Kenyan news, having the privilege of staying with a woman in Nairobi who could afford a tv. A heated topic was the upcoming presidential elections. Honestly, I saw that the competition was cutthroat but I did not realize any huge party implications. I heard people were very spilt on politics, especially since democracy was so new to them. But my naive little mind could not wrap around the possible reprecussions of this election.

The Electoral Comission of Kenya announced earlier today (Sunday) that President Kibaki had beat Raila Odinga by more than 230,000 votes, and he was immediately sworn into office. But Mr. Odinga disputed this result, accusing " a clique of people around Kibaki trying to rob Kenyans of the election," to his supporters at a news conference after the results were announced.

After the government suspended all live television and radio reports, Mr Odinga's Orange Democratic Movement invited its supporters to an alternative inauguration ceremony in the capital, Nairobi, on Monday to declare him the "people's president".

All of this had dangerous ramifications.

After the official results were announced, thousands of opposition supporters took to the streets across the country in protest and at least 13 people were killed.

According to BBC, in Nairobi's Kibera slum, people began attacking and looting shops. Houses were burnt to the ground and vehicles set in flames. Police fired live rounds and tear-gas to disperse Mr Odinga's supporters, while a blackout also plunged the area into darkness.

This is where -I worked this summer - Kibera. Looking through the pictures on BBC news, it looks all too familiar. I thought about the people I met in their homes, the sisters I worked with at the Missionaries of Charity and the school kids as well as the street kids who'd always cry out "how are you!"

This has all just happened within the past day. It looks like it'll just get worse. Evangeline, who went to on the Kenya Global Project me, forwarded this e-mail tonight from a missionary in Northern Kenya:

Dear brothers and sisters,

Greetings in the Lord.

As you may have heard from the news that Kenya has just had an election this past Thursday. The presidential race was so close that it took a few days for the electoral commission until this evening to make announcement. They have declared the current president Kibaki as the winner. But the opposition party has rejected the result, accusing the government of rigging the votes. People are very confuse now. A peaceful election has turned into violence everywhere in the country. People in many towns along the highway have set up road blocks and create havoc and chaos (burning tires, throwing rocks, and rioting).

I was traveling down country from Lokichoggio yesterday to send some missionary friends home and plan to get some supplies in Nairobi. But on our way, we have heard violence in many parts of the country. We had to stay in a town last night to avoid the trouble. Today, as we heard the road were clear ed so I continued to send a missionary home and another one to the local airport, we were caught in some of the road blocks along the way. We thank God that we got through safely, but it was very scary and tense with the mob surrounding our vehicles shouting and threatening us. The situation where I am now is very tense. I have to stay in a Bible school tonight with soem other missionaries (and perhaps for the next few days) to avoid the troubles in the area and not be able to travel until it is safe to do so.

Please pray

1. for peace of the country. The violence can spread and turn the whole country into chaos and unrest.
2. for safety for Chris as she is at the school in Songot, with another missionary family, the Haspels. Pray that the Turkana will not get involve with the violence and troubles like the rest of the country.
3. Safety of all missionaries and mission stations in Kenya.
4. for the situation in the area where I am now will clam down so that I can travel back to Lokichoggio soon.

Thanks for your prayer in this trouble time in Kenya.

Blessings,
Tim

I echo this request: please pray. We're powerless to do anything by ourselves but God comes into power as we call on his name on other people's behalf. The power of prayer can change things around. I would like to lift up a specific prayer request that the Lord will strengthen the sisters at the Missionaries of Charity school even more with his mercy and love- making them an extension of his light to the people in Kibera during this turbulent time. Pray for the orphans, the widows, the jobless, the hungry, the sick, the homeless, the AIDs victims- that God will protect them through of all of this and bring his light into their lives. Pray for the people- everyone. Pray for the protestors, pray for the victims of this violence and their families. Pray for the government not to fall apart- that this will not lead into something worse than it already is.

Keep informed.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7165383.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7165406.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/7164350.stm

Thanks Evangeline, for the urgent message.


"Prayer is no surrender to the world, but an act of absolute sedition. And while God does not always answer our prayers, he invariably changes our perspective on the world. He shows us a little bit of his upside-down power when we pray.In prayer our vision becomes clear, so that at the moment of greatest injustice our sanity remains solid, while the oppressor, mentally shackled to fleeting power, loses his mind and confuses the here-and-now with the limitless. When we pray, God changes the world, and he usually starts with our hearts and minds. When we pray, even amid stultifying injustice, God demonstrates greater power yet by giving us our right minds."- Paul Grant

that end of a year post

2007 has certainly been a year of change- and more purpose and more direction (amidst this more confusion) focused in one period than ever before.

I will forever remember it as the year I went to Kenya. Everything was directed at going. Spring semester of junior year brought on fundraising and STIM weekends, and a lot of anguished crying out to God. I probably was on crack that semester for everything I was trying to do between those things, taking several major classes, small group leading,working and co-coordinating CNU's Broken Bread meal. And through all of this, I was supposed to be preparing myself for what was ahead of me that summer. I had a nervous tick inside of me, urged by the fear of failing everyone. Anxious, I was always on my toes, and when I had nothing to worry about, I figured out something else to take up my concerns.


Like questions about theology- it became an obsession which I always wanted more time to dwell on. I felt the pulls of reformed theology and started to question them and I felt the pulls of emergent theology and questioned them even more. I guess what it all came down to, and became absolutely clear in Kenya, is that I should not ever cling to a theology (though they're good for helping us understand) but to cling to Jesus.

I gave up my vegetarianism because I knew I had to eat meat in Kenya, and so I started calling myself a "hospitalitarian" (meant I ate meat only out of hospitality).

And I went to Kenya. God provided every cent, plus more, showing me that it was not up to me raise the money. While being there, I felt sin, I felt shame, I felt utter dispair at my wicked motivations but I felt the Lord's presence, beauty, and unrelenting grace speak to me and refine me into the transformed creation I am ever being shaped into by God's radiance.

I let go of a lot of my anger towards people and a lot of my cynical pride. A deep longing to be with my family formed inside me.

I was there for 7 weeks. And then back. I heard re-entry was hard but I didn't have a clue how right everyone was about that. I had this idealist thought that every thing I learned in Kenya would come into immediate application when I crossed the ocean. Boy, was I wrong. And I slipped into depression. Feeling that everything I did here did not matter- I had no purpose in what I was doing and everyone around me was also completely frivolous and seemingly happy. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't feign happiness any more. I couldn't put on a show for people like I used. I was more real and I was stipped down of my pretenses. It honestly became harder to socialize.

Then the perils of being a senior reigned down on me. I felt isolated from the younger kids who seemed to have fun all the time, and isolated from my best friends because we were always so busy. Also, the question kept coming- what am I gonna do with my life after grad? Something I had not seriously put much thought to.

Through the pit bottoms and the weirdness of my fall semester, some really great things happened, and they wouldn't have happened without the lows. Though I was socially awkward in groups of people, I cherished my one on one time with others, forming more intentional relationships with people. For the first time, I got discipled on a regular basis, and it's had a transforming on me. I myself discipled a girl who I love very much. And between the two discipling relationships and seeing a counselor, a lot of the post-kenya depression was lifted off (bwana asifiwe!). I also came to realize a vision for my life after college. Since my fakeness worn off, my relationships I have retained have been more raw, and more real. Though I feel utterly alone sometimes, I've had the best relationships this year I've had in 21 years- and these relationships all pointed back to Christ.

And then there were crushes, and oh man did I crush on people. Two crushes in particular stuck out and provided me with some distraction. Although, one pivotal attraction to a guy this semester led me to consider how ripe I am to be in a relationship and the kind of quality guy I am interested in- lively, energetic and thoughtful. Before, I would be too autonomous, too selfish in my heart to allow someone in, but now my heart is becoming big enough for two. And I have started to consider what a relationship with brings glory to God would look like- that a couple grows closer to God as they grow closer to each other. And no, I have not found such a relationship with any of my crushes from this year and nor do I pursue them now. But the promise of a loving partner is all I really need in that regard. The desire is there, and so I need to prayerfully pursue God in it.

I guess two key words for this year are light and maturity. God has poured his light on the ugly spots of me which are in high demand on his help, leading me to depend on him more than ever before. The size of my cross at the end of this semester became bigger in my eyes than ever. Light has reigned over my depression, to lift me up when I am dragged down to the ground. Also, God has made me more mature in every area of my life. I truly do not see myself as the naive, fun-loving, bubbly, performing Janelle who I came to college as.

At the end of this year, though, I need God's help more than ever. I'm having identity issues (vain matters like new style of clothing mirror deeper heart problems), overwhelming feelings of lonliness (even if I go out every night of the week, I'm having trouble believing I have any real friends), apathy, and the growing desire to get out of Virginia. I spend my days in vanity, not doing much, forgetting that God has me in Manassas right now with purpose and with a reason. I need to spend more time with God and less time watching arrested development or playing oregon trail on facebook. I need to appreciate my family more, because sometimes I really lose patience with them. I need to take joy and be grateful for everything I have- all of my relationships. I want to bask in God's presence and feel him in every bone of my being.

I need to pray in this new year right.

the presence of God

Part 1: What is a Hierophany?

In my primal religions class this past semester, we discuss what the term “hierophany” means. It is the manifestation of the holy. In oral culture, it’s told in Lame Deer's vision quest when animals talk to him, giving him his calling a shaman; it’s Moses communing with God on Mount Sinai, and coming down with a face far too radiant for the Israelites to behold. Exodus 34:29-34

“ When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him. But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them. Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the LORD had given him on Mount Sinai. When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. But whenever he entered the LORD's presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the LORD.”

It’s also the transfiguration when Jesus appears in this same radiance with Elijah and Moses before his three freaked-out disciples (Matthew 17:1-13). When we are saturated with this being, we are no longer present in human reality but in sacred reality, which is true reality. It is interesting that each of these hierophanies mentioned, there is an interaction between persons which triggers it. They are each in communion, being with one another; being relational. Worship is engaged as it is a state of being in communion. People don’t only worship in a church, they can worship with their entire lives, in communion with God. Also, these hierophanies involved sacred places. Lame Deer went off into the wilderness, into a “vision pit.” Jesus took his disciples to a high mountain by themselves- this is reminiscent of Moses proceeding up to Mount Sinai to be with God.

In these nature-bound sacred places, God is sought to be in communion. Another thing about hierophany is that once it’s done- it’s hard to be integrated back into society. This is particularly seen with Moses- who had to wear a veil whenever he came down from Mount Sinai. The Israelites could not accept the radiance of this supernatural occurrence. When people experience a hierophany it’s hard to explain or try to replay for other people- who may as well think you’re crazy. That’s why we normally can not put words to those kind of ecstatic experiences; they happen but it’s only for your eyes to comprehend anything about it.

Part 2: Experiencing Hierophany in striving for God's presence

A.W. Tozer addresses this same concept in The Pursuit of God. He begins chapter 3, “Removing the Veil”, with an epithet by St. Augustine: ‘Thou hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee.’

Until reading this quote followed by Tozer’s interpretation, I never thought restlessness was beneficial. The idea behind this thought is that as human flesh, we are restless for a reason- we are fallen creatures in need of God’s rest. Our restlessness enables us to seek the divine. Tozer follows this stream of thought with a question and answer from the Westminster Shorter Catechism: ‘Question: What is the chief End of Man? Answer: Man’s chief End is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.’

Tozer articulates that God formed us for his pleasure to “see him and live with him and draw life from His smile,’ but due to the Fall (as seen in Genesis 3), we have broken with God and because we ceased to obey him or love him we have a fear and guilt which causes us to flee as far as possible from his presence. God’s work in redemption is to undo the tragic effects of the Fall and bring us back into relationship with himself to glorify him and enjoy life.

This turning opens a conscious communion with God to live again in his Presence. “At the heart of the Christian message,” Tozer says, “is God himself waiting for his redeemed children to push in to conscious awareness of his Presence.” Yet contempory American Christianity only knows this presence in theory and “fails to stress the Christian’s privilege of present realization.”

This is the heart of Tozer’s argument I want to get to- how do we as a literate society experience God’s presence? I have been raised in a Christian home and accepted Christ as a 15 year old and grew to develop a better understanding of my beliefs in college. Yet the presence of God was always something I felt lacking in my life. Tozer says according to biblical teachings, Christians are always in his presence positionally, but still feel the need to experience it in actuality. There are distinct times in my life which I don’t remember clearly, but I remember sitting in rest with my God. They happen sometimes, but God wills that I push into his presence and live my whole life there. I still do not know what this looks like, but this year, I’ve been pushing harder than ever and I see the fruits of it. I know that if I lived in a nature dwelling oral culture, this would be easier. I have a tendency to look things from a completely intellectual, analyzing point of view instead of an ecstatic spiritual point of view- this is the product of being a college student in a literate culture. I tend to even rationally doubt that I could ever experience anything spiritually and at times, I haven’t even tried. I grow content in my positional faith rather than allowing myself to be led into a place of burning zeal. Tozer says “We are satisfied to rest in our JUDICIAL possessions and for the most part we bother ourselves very little about the absence of personal experience.” This reminds of C.S. Lewis’ declaration that we are half-hearted creatures who are far too easily pleased.

People tend to reduce Christianity to one simple thing- is someone “saved” or not saved (puzzlement still remains to non-christians on what being saved is. I hate when people use this term without explanation). Being saved is not just about going to heaven. If it were, how would life itself ever be enjoyable? It’s also about enjoying eternity in the present moment, here on earth, by coming to relationship with God through his salvation he offers as a gift (if confused by what I mean, please ask and read Ephesians 2). Like Tozer, I also find it tragic that not only manifesting God’s presence is absent from the church, but being still and seeking some kind of presence is relatively a thing outside our culture. We are encouraged to live fast-paced, task-oriented lives with little thought to ever finding the rest we need to sit in God's presence, experiencing hierophanies.

The point is, we are not the Israelites who cannot see God's radiance. The veil has been removed, and we can experience much more of God than we allow ourselves to. I struggle with this a lot. My logical sense does not allow me to engage in God, to come confidently to his throne- to be transformed by the radiance of the Lord's glory. But I want it. I want to move forward in that. A couple of weeks ago, I didn't want anything else more, but since getting home for winter break, it's become really hard to quiet myself. With too much free time, I end up wasting it rather stewarding it, to help me break down my walls and truly be transformed by His radiance.

Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3: 12-18

the vision pit

I have a lot to be thankful for.

God is faithful. All the time; God is faithful.

It's so weird how God puts a task in front of you, and all you do is obey it, and he gives you something big.

This is what's happening to me.

Or I think it is. Maybe I'm being dramatic? But the thing is, my mind has clarity. It makes sense. The pieces of the puzzle are finally beginning to go together.

The question I've been trying to answer: What the heck is God calling me to do in my life??

I'm still not sure exactly what it is. But He has cast a vision- and that's exactly what I asked for.

OK, to clarify some things. I decided on Monday night after going to Primal Religions (which I was sooo close to skipping to do other homework) to go on a fast from Tuesday afternoon to today before Thanksgiving meal. Dr. Redick was talking about Native Americans going on vision quests in the wilderness and fasting during that time. And I thought- hmmm, I really need a vision quest. And I dunno what else, but I really felt spiritually compelled to fast. I haven't done it too much before. I never really quite got the concept of fasting.

And as I was fasting, I still didn't really "get it." I mean, I kept getting distracted from prayer. And after the fast was over I was like, "Welp. That's it. Time for some wine." Nothing too spiritually dramatic happened.

And then I watched 'Evan Almighty' this evening. It was stupid and cheesy, but it spoke to me. A lot. Basically, God kept calling Evan, a newly elected congressman to build an ark. This man had prayed that God will help him change the world, and uhhh, his prayer was answered. Even though God called him, Evan ignored him. But this did not change the sovereignty of God. Things spiraled out of Evan's control until he could do nothing else but build the ark!

Like Evan, God has been chasing me down lately, and I have been nonrespondant to his call. His call has been there all along but I felt waaaaay too inadequate to follow the call. But since Kenya, God has brought me on a journey of experiencing his love and faithfulness in a way I never had before. And the works he has called me to will flow out of my new, refreshened love for him.

The vision:
Seek justice. Encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless and plead the case of widow (Isaiah 1:17)

Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothed you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.- Jesus (Matthew 25:34-40)


Basically, I just want to be with God's people who are suffering. Who are in poverty. I want to learn to love them. I want to be friends with them. I don't want to just do things for them through programs, like shove money in their direction. I want to get to know them.

I am totally undeserving of this. Especially after seeing poverty in Kenya with my own eyes and feeling completely hopeless to build relationships with these people, I don't know how I can possibly do it. But God has been holding my hand and is taking me a long way. And I know I can do anything, ANYTHING through Christ who gives me strength. When I was in Kenya, I found it hard to love the poor. But God gave me a small seed of love for his people- a mustard seed. And you know what they say about mustard seeds- they grow into the largest of trees.

So, now what? There's still a lot of different things this could lead me to. I'm beginning to pray that God will show how to be with the poor. What job could I take, where should I live, how should I live? It's all up to him.

I'm frightened. But humbled. But I know that the God of comfort is always with me. And like Joshua, he is telling me:

Be strong and courageous, for I am with you always.

because I bet my roommate reads this blog



This is a pretty terrific cartoon, which helps explain my complex feelings about only buying organic/free-range foods, and my outrage at extremist groups like PETA who try to shut down meat buisnesses (I saw a movie they made themselves which showed them protesting outside of KFC). While I hate animal cruelty, it's also unfair to put people in lower economic classes out of a job. It's funny that the people involved in these animal rights groups are usually not working class folk. Well, just a thought. I don't like the meat industry but it's good to see that there's always two sides and more complexity to an issue than people make.

Thanks, Lindsey for sending me the cartoon.
It can be found at http://www.theonion.com/content/cartoon/oct-29-2007