It's the first of September and a new beginning

Like it or not God is breaking me to draw him closer to Himself.

I give him all the praise for that!

Lately, I have been less than broken and incredibly prideful.

I am so ready to give it ALL to the Lord.

I want to grow closer to God.

I've been having a hard time doing that in this context (this place).


I need a lot of purposeful, intentional time to myself.


And I really like Cape Canaveral by Conor Oberst. Weird. I hated him when he was Bright Eyes.

Ha. I really need to weed out distractions.

It's time to weed and seed.

an inconsistent blog of staggering brilliance

This post has no topic I'm staying with, so keep up.


I am officially employed. By Starbucks. Unless you know me real well, you don't understand the hilarity of this. A year ago, I would NEVER work at Starbucks. I thought they were a corporate devil, kicking out the smaller, more local coffee businesses. I didn't even like their coffee. But now I am working for them. How do I feel?

Not guilty. I think they have picked up some better ethics. And the more I learn about them, the more I like them.

However, part of me feels like I have sold myself short. Not that there is anything wrong with being a barista. Some people make a rather nice profession out of it. But I feel like I have just signed up to never leave Manassas. I mean, of course if I move, I can work at a Starbucks elsewhere. Duh. But will I have enough money to move anywhere? I'd have to be really really smart about saving money.

I feel, since I don't have a well-paying full-time job I'm gonna be in Manassas forever. That's like, one of my top 3 fears in life.

warning: you may need a dictionary to get through this part of my post

Moving on...eschatology. One of my least favorite topics has been fascinating me lately. I don't really like getting in depth about end times study. Sometimes I feel that its a big waste of time. Then end times theologians will use these verbose words that no one really knows the true meaning of and take literal interpretations out of very very metaphorical, symbolic passages. Also, some churches put WAY too much emphases on eschatology, especially those who uphold the dispensational pre-millennialist view point (see what I mean by verbose words?). Their eschatology determines almost everything they do. I mean, seriously, what about the gospel? It's secondary. Jesus' 1000 year earthly reign: far more important.

I can see from my readings that I am not dispensationalist. I don't think there will be a rapture or a 1000 year reign. I am not a postmillenialist, which is this viewpoint held by many progressives that Christ will return, after we, as humans, save the world. Uh-huh. That's a tad optimistic.

I like amillennialism the best out of three, but that doesn't completely satisfy me. I like how it views the reign of Christ as a symbolic reign through the years, but that still Christ is coming back and will consummate new heavens and new earth. The thing I like most about it is that it points more towards Christ and not towards human works. I like the ideas of covenant theology and partial preterism. But I don't think the whole thing is completely infallible.

I think eschatology is one of those mysteries of God which we are not supposed to have hammered out. I don't think it should dictate how we live our faith.

Will I do further research on this? Depends. It's not high on my priority list but good stuff to read to quench curiosity.

On to other things, I have just rejoined myspace. And I ran into a myspace page of "This American Life," a hilarious radio show on NPR. Unbeknown st to me, they have a TV show now on Showtime, and I browsed through some pretty great clips of it.
Here are my favorite two:

1) TAL TV: The Beard Chart



Visit ThisAmericanLife.org for more.


2) TAL TV:This Little Piggy Made Me VomitVisit ThisAmericanLife.org for more.

t-shirts that "fit" me, the English dork

A couple of volunteers at the park came in on their day off to wish me goodbye. One of them had a Shakespeare shirt on and thought I'd be proud...

and that started an investigation.









http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/womens-light-tshirt/124060289




http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/walt-whitman/25568355




http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/quit-work-go-to-the-woods-w-dark-tshirt/177557392#




http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/so-much-depends-kids-tshirt/50900062



http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/literary-emily-dickinson-poetry-womens-light-tsh/107216442

a little tired from job hunting

I'm struggling to figure out what is more important to me at THIS POINT of my life- a meaningful job I can be passionate about, or a job where I make bank.

I seem unable to obtain either.

The job market sucks. I'm gonna write a screenplay and maybe make a movie with Nicole. Maybe thats what it should about. Liberal arts majors trying to get paid to DO SOMETHING. Anything. Kinda like 'Reality Bites' but apply it to today's terrible economy and slightly different lifestyles.

Tomorrow's my last day at Prince William Forest Park. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna miss working. But then again it will be nice to be able to find A JOB and not slave labor (aka SCA internship).

these non-pessimistic posts keep coming

This will be optimistic post #2.

God is showing me he is faithful and that he provides. Even though I don't have any bites for full-time salaried jobs.

I had an interview for a coffee shop in Clifton yesterday and will have an interview for a part-time after school job teaching English on Thursday.

I'm hoping I get both jobs- and together that will almost be like a real job!

But it's good to know I'm not stranded, doing nothing after my internship. I got some possibilities. Who knows where they will lead?

Asante sana Yesu!

all you need is love

I am DONE being a pessimist.

It's time to find joy in life. Not scrutinize it, yanking out all the bad things. Dwelling on all the uncertainty. Embrace uncertainty. It's exciting. It's adventurous. It's a wild ride.

My life is a life in flux (hence the name of the blog).

I notice that listening to oldies lifts up my spirits.

But even more so, feeling loved.

We had a family reunion this weekend. Now that was love. It's love when you see people you have only met once or twice in your life and they fully embrace you.

I feel love from being able to converse with older women without feeling the generation gap. But simply chatting and being affirmed by them as a woman.

I feel love when I eat my grandma's cooking.

I feel love when I can get along wonderfully with my cousin who couldn't be more different than me.

I feel love when a college friend calls me just because.

I feel love when friends invite me out, even if I can't go.

I feel love when I embarrass myself beyond belief but everybody just laughs.

I feel love when someone cleans up after me.

I feel love from seeing friends at weddings.

I feel love from weirdo inside jokes such as klaus the gnome.

I feel God's love when finding a new place I had yet to discover.

I feel God's love when I can find joy from a simple car ride down a winding road.

I feel love when people read my stories and poems even though I'm kind of embarrassed by them.

I feel God's love when I experience humorous consequences from mistakes I make.

I feel love when dancing in a group of friends.

I feel love when my grandma talks up my acting based simply on a videotape of a high school play I was in.

I feel love when my friends stalk my facebook.

I feel love when I watch the office with my brother.

I feel love when my old roommate still texts me Arrested Development lines.

I feel love when people affirm my talents. Or that I'm smart. Or beautiful.

I feel love with the couple of friends who I know I can call about my problems and they will really listen. No matter when.

In many areas, I don't feel love. And I want that love but I know it'll take time.

I need to let go of my expectations and embrace the love I do have.

On a slightly related note, I love oldies music. It's idealistically romantic. That reminds me I shouldn't settle on whatever seems to be in front of me. Or whatever seems easy. That sorta love IS out there for me, and it'll be grand, but I cannot settle for less. Or focus on boys who won't pursue me.

That sort of love is out there. But for now, I do have love. God loves me. My family loves me. And my friends love me. And I have friends everywhere. In different cities, states and even countries.

I love that.

i have written a lot of little poems lately. i need to start revising.


i have an ongoing novel-turned-movie cinematically panning scenes through my head. but i find little rest to write it all down.


i have ignored my bounds of summer reading.

its not like i have too much to do.

it's that i have a one-track mind- lift. run. yoga. hike. bike. eat a little. socialize.resumes.cover letters. repeat several times over.

i'm sorry literature, the elliptical machine is now my best friend. until i'm at a nice weight, i may speak with you less often.

god, i will try not to do the same to you.

a little letter

Dear Lord,

When I fall in love, I want it to be as filled with startling, all-consuming passion as the movie "Music From Another Room."

Does that exist?

Look forward to hearing your response!

Your Daughter,
Janelle

an odd number

"A real Christian in an odd number anyway. He feels supreme love for One whom he has never seen, talks familiarly every day to Someone he cannot see, expects to go to heaven on the virtue of Another, empties himself in order to be full, admits he is wrong so he can be declared right, goes down in order to get up, is strongest when he is weakest, richest when he is poorest, and happiest when he feels worst. He dies so he can live, forsakes in order to have, gives away so he can keep, sees the invisible, hears the inaudible, and knows that which passes knowledge."

Does anyone know which A.W. Tozer book that quote is from? I really like it.

On another note, as a proud CNU InterVarsity Alum, I wanted to share the new cnu IV website! www.cnuiv.com

From the front page, Beth G. does such a great job communicating what this college ministry is all about. It's got me missing InterVarsity, for certain. But, as much as I miss it, I know it's time to move forward into my post-college spiritual life.

Why is it so hard to continue being a Christian after college? That's a future blog which I will try to answer.

For me, it was really easy to develop ideals and opinions about my faith in college. It seems that life now is about putting those ideals into practice. But when you work a 9-5 job, it gets hard to care. That's what it's been like for me, anyway. The thing that sobers me about Tozer's quote is that most of the time I just don't care. A Christian is an odd number.

asante sana yesu!

In kiswahili, that simply means "thank you very much Jesus!"

God's been speaking into my life, powerfully, today. It's the first time in awhile that I'm gripping a few pieces of his huge, mysteriously difficult jigsaw puzzle. Lord, give me ears to hear and eyes to see! Through everything. Through my lunch break, through Kay Arthur's prophesy, through conversation with my parents and new friends, through sermons, through my brother, even through GodTV!

Faith and belief is coming alive to me in a renewed, refreshed sense. I've been caught in a spiritual famine and have been dealing with a lot of doubt. This is nothing miniscule. Every day, it seems like, I'm tempted to walk away from God, for good. It's a daily struggle to just even put a little bit of faith in God and trust in him.

I've been downloading sermons which Kevin Hass has been preaching at By Grace, since I left Newport News to go back home. This has been only a recent activity, starting last week. I would burn a cd for each sermon from the computer, and listen to them coming and going from work. Now, there is nothing great in me doing this. I always seem to miss the point. But today, I listened to a sermon from Luke 9 and Mark 9 which Hass preached awhile ago, and the Word of God came alive to me. Now don't misunderstand, although Hass is a really solid teacher, it wasn't from him alone. What he was preaching actually resonated with a lot of teachings I have heard about faith since I've been home either from church, or bible study or from my dad, and have simply rejected, or brought into huge question. I guess the difference was that Hass was inductively going through a chunk of scripture which is how I prefer to be taught (I mean, don't we all have our preferences?). But there was absolutely no difference in the main message, in what God's been trying to hammer into me all along. There was even no big difference in this message than a message I heard on GodTV the night before (a channel I very frequently, and not so secretly, become skeptical of).

The message?

Have faith in God.

I'll let the passage in Mark 9 say what needs to be said. It preaches for itself. The text is so alive.
(I'll bolden what particularly hits me).

Mark 9:14-29
And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him. And he asked them, "What are you arguing about with them?" And someone from the crowd answered him, "Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able." And he answered them, "O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me." And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." And Jesus said to him, "'If you can'! All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" 25And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, "He is dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And he said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer."

Here's a link to the sermon if you want to check it out-http://www.bygraceonline.org/sermons/audio_sermons_2008.htm
It's on Luke 9:36-50 from May 25, 2008.


I took a walk in the woods today and I wanted to share a little bit about it. There was a part in the trail where I became absolutely petrified of my surroundings. Paranoid that I'd get bit by a black widow or be approached by a poisonous snake. Or worse, that I'd run into some horrible serial killer because I was all alone in the isolated wilderness. I don't normally get like that. I have a lot of emotional fears but not a lot of paranoia. I very often walk into danger, completely oblivious to it, because quite frankly I don't usually take too much care. Well, I was freaked out. I walked faster, afraid that some spider would put its venom into my veins. And at some point, I started praying. I have a lot to pray about and I basically surrendered everything. And I kept on repeating, "Lord, I belive, Father, I believe, Spirit, I believe, I believe in you. Help my unbelief. Help me. Help me. Help me." I thought about the positive of being in this time of spiritual famine: that through this, God is showing how GREAT and MAJESTIC his grace and mercy is that he would save and love a complete and totally depraved wretch like me. In the past year, I've felt this. And I did not appreciate why God was doing it, I did not even ask why but instead kept asking God to remove it from me. But today, God brought me into appreciation for this dry time, as absurd as it may sound. That through seeing my depravity, I could genuinely enter into God's grace and overwhelming presence. That I need to submit to God TOTALLY and completely depend on Him at ALL times.

I didn't GET it before. I KNEW it in my HEAD. But I DIDN'T GET IT!

Thank you Jesus for helping my unbelief. I have so much farther to go, but just this little mustard seed makes a world of difference.

the hunger years

I want to write a book with that title. I think that's title been used already. Anyone know? I don't want to face reality by looking it up.

The reason why I'm not setting down to write anything is because it'd be a little too autobiographical. Not like writers don't do that shamelessly, but I need a little bit of distance from things before I can write about them, and ultimately, fictionalize them.

"The Hunger Years" would be about an idealistic girl who just graduated college and has no clue how her life is supposed to be. She feels a strong calling to go back to her hometown, but when she gets there, she starts to experience a deep spiritual hunger which she finds herself incapable to feed. More summary to come later.

call and response

I wish people were more open with each other. That way I wouldn't feel so miserable about my own life all the time. I particularly wish that more church leaders would take on more vulnerability. At a time where I'm trying to grasp for some example of a real, breathing, fallen being trying to live out their spiritual walk, I find very few honest people who are transparent in a Christ-like way.

I've been doubting my faith a lot lately. I hear all these teachings- really good, powerful teachings. I know I can never live up to them. And I simply have very little desire to even do so. And I know that's the point- we are deprived human beings and we cannot possibly do it without Christ's grace carrying us through. But sometimes I feel as though he doesn't care about me anymore. These are merely feelings I know and we cannot trust in feelings. My feelings do not determine my relationship with God. But it'd sure be nice if I could for once feel his presence in my life.

I know I'm not doing enough. I have very poor discipline. Some in the church suggest that it's not about what you do, it's what God does. And some suggest that you need to work at your faith, and pursue God (with the assumption that this in a response to his pursuit of you). I think it's both, and I feel a little less Calvinist at this moment because I know he's already done the work. He's called me and now he's waiting for my response. But at the same time, I am a complete Calvinist, knowing that I can't respond on my own. Maybe it's due to depression, or maybe it's general human condition. I can't do it! I can't save me from myself!!

God, please save me from myself!!

words of mr. bazan

sums up where i'm at right now...

"you're up with the sunrise
and down when the work's been done
with excellence industry
diligence naturally
i would like to be you
just for a few habit-forming years
laziness cuts me like fine cutlery
i need a miracle - someone to help me
myself
sweet jesus, i need you
forgive me this sin
not hookers or heroin, gambling or gin
it sounds so ridiculous, but i just can't lift this
i need a miracle - someone to help me myself
someone to help me
help myself "

surrender

that's the keyword in my life right now.

Reaching for an Invisible God

I was thoroughly enjoying Phillip Yancey's Reaching for An Invisible God but then he got all Armenian on me. Ugh.

While he brings up some good points, I with my little knowledge of theology, could easily challenge a couple of them.

But that's for another blog. It doesn't matter if he's Armenian or Calvinist. This book is good and I just wish all of the people who have told me that Christians are supposed to be happy optimists would read it. It discusses just about every issue and doubt Christians have about Christian faith. Lately I have doubted the presence of my own faith due to my constant pessimism but Yancey challenges that assumption.

I may turn this into a longer blog later. For now, I don't have much more to say. Just pick it up and read it for yourself.

another frustration

Do you ever feel like God's putting you on hold?

What do you do in that waiting time? Especially when you have no self-benefitting motivation to read your bible or pray because it seems like God's just gonna keep going in his ambiguities.

Doing anything just to glorify God with no expectations is just really counter-intuitive.

God's sovereignty in his relationship with us

As much as many people try to dismiss the significance of the armenian vs. calvinism debate, I have found that it's been pretty important. At least in my personal walk with God.

A lot of things I do an a lot of things I think are influenced by the whole topic. One thing I wonder about-

Sometimes I sit in church. And I enjoy the worship and maybe sing with it, but I don't particularly feel moved to jump out of my chair and clap and sing. Maybe I am in a more contemplative mood. Or maybe I'm honestly distracted by outside things.

Is this a sovereign thing or my own free will acting? I feel that God moves us when he wills, but then again, we have to take a part of it. We have to willfully respond.

But then again, if God wills us to worship when he does, does that make us respond like robots?

I do think, though, that sovereign action is taken when we worship. I, on my own accord, in my own flesh, have no will to worship God. However, he still shows up, and when I am unwilling to see him, in small disruptive ways.

And another topic for another blog is the issue of the permanence of our salvation. I have to be honest. Almost every day, I feel the urge to walk away from God. I've seriously threatened him that I do it. His response: it seems like he laughs kindly in my face and says "Oh sweet Janelle. I am never letting you go." And I want to walk away because the Christian life is hard and I'm tired of feeling like a failure. And I forget the gospel everyday. But God is this gravitational force which keeps pulling me. His lovingkindness and tender mercies speak enough truth into me to know that I am his child and I will forever be his.

And that's where questions about election and predestination step in. Will God ever let me go? No. Can I experience freedom in his love? Yes. But when will that happen? Has God set a specific time where he will suddenly lift the veil from my eyes or do I have to struggle in the spiritual disciplines to obtain it? I feel that it's a mixture of both. And I do have some personal responsibility in my walk with Jesus. To spend time with him. To pray. To love. To serve. To lead. To enjoy. To be a child. To glorify his name.

He has placed me here with this calling- and I have to follow it. Sure, he leads me but he's not gonna baby me through it.

expectant, not expecting

I honestly feel like a big jerk sometimes. Like I'm ready to get into an argument rather than to listen to someone much wiser than I am.

I sat through a teaching the other night which frustrated me. When asked why it did afterward, I couldn't even put it into words. Now I have words. It seemed too clear cut. Too simple. You're either this or that sorta mentality.

But the teaching wasn't wrong. I'm seeing that now. The way it was presented flustered me. But that turns out to be based on generational differences and much more minorly on theological differences than I thought. Different cultures approach things in different ways. And my generation is slightly more sophisticated than other generations before us. Does that mean we know more? Have a better way of presenting it? Or are we just so ambivalent that we're all over the place?

The teaching was on God's character of being a giver. Meaning, if we ask him of something, he will give. I do not think this happens in every situation, but I do believe that God has promised to answer the inmost desires of our heart and we just need to receive them. By faith, we have every blessing our Father gives to us.

I guess my response to this is to open myself more to receive from people. And give too. And receive from my Father. I think I'm generally pretty closed-off, emotionally, from God and from people.

Recieve his blessings. Receive his grace. And ask. It never hurts to ask.

But all in the meanwhile, I stumbled upon this very simple truth by Dr. Langberg on some advice column:

...everyone lives with uncertainty in life. None of us knows what awaits us tomorrow, and many people long for things in life they never get. Ultimately, the only certainty any Christian has is knowing the God who sees what tomorrow holds. God continually asks us to trust him—even in the midst of uncertainty.

I can't be certain that if I pray for God to give me a job, that he'll do it in the way I expect it to be. No one can place a time frame on him. But I can know God and trust him in my uncertainty.

To be expectant but not expecting.

trust in God, not intellect

As I have been home the past couple of weeks, I've been struggling to uphold and justify my version of faith versus some friends and family.

This has been wildly unsuccessful. My intellectual strivings towards God in trying to disprove a theology next to mine does not put my dependence on him, but on reason, logic and articles. Not that engaging your mind is bad. By no means! But relying on intellectual knowledge completely is harmful to one's faith.

Even apologist Ravi Zacharias thinks so. Every once in awhile, I listen to his podcast, "Let my people think" (you can download it for free on itunes). I listened to his most recent message on the account of Daniel, and he made a good point which I will butcher in my paraphrase: Human knowledge is often shortsighted and leans on the judgment of people. We must be a people who intellectually engages, but ultimately trusts and depends on God's wisdom.


Last night, I watched a pretty c-level movie "License to Wed" which was so bad it was hard to sit through. But I did get something out of it (akin to my spiritual enlightenment from the very bad "Evan Almighty"). John Krasinki's character did not trust the priest(Robin Williams) who was giving him and his fiance (Mandy Moore) an extreme marriage counseling course. He was so caught off guard by the priest's apparently devious and outrageous methods, that he committed himself to investigate for the priest's weak spot to bring it to his fiance, who did in fact trust the priest. He was so busy investigating that he did not even write his wedding vows in time.

And that actually convicted me. I've been so busy trying to disprove certain movements I've been skeptical about that I have not even spent any real time alone with God to receive his love and devote my vows to him and I have not been loving my friends and family well, because I've been more dependent on my skeptical logic than on God to heal me in a time I need him most.

I've been trying to be a leader when I need to be a child first (following this order: child- disciple- servant- leader). I need to focus on my own faith and my own healing before I become too caught up in changing everyone else.