here's one for the girls

(I know it's silly to write these things. And my cynic self hates me for it.)

I want my knees to quiver. I want my stomach to tighten into a thousand little knots. I want my face to change three shades of color when I talk to him. And not because I'm shy or embarrassed but because of the way he says my name. I want to burst into dancing when I'm in a room myself, and thinking about him. I do not want to know any anguish of whether he likes me or not, but see it in his intentional actions. I want to feel relief to share affection with him. Without feeling mushy or silly. I want him to pursue me. I do not want to reduce myself to sit around and wait for him. I want to play. I want to fingerpaint with him, doodling crazy lions with our fingertips.I want him to be as bad as dancing as I am, and flaunt it. I want him to know good music and read good poetry. I want him enthused, not overbearingly happy. I want him introspective, not silent. I want a boy who I can stand kissing. Who I want to look at me with those lovesick eyes. Who makes love feel stupid. Stupid and good. I want a boy who I can trust won't judge me. Who will talk to me openly about things ranging from God's sovereignty to burping techniques. Who will trust me with his burdens as I will with mine. Who I can walk along with as an equal. Not one of us having control over another. Deciding things together. Leading together.I want a boy who seeks adventure in the great wide world and in everyday ordinariness. I want a boy who doesn't make me want to hurl when he tells me he loves me. I want a boy who I can choke out the words "I love you" to without making my squinty, disgusted face.

Waiting around is hard. I don't want to wait. For this sort or whoever God has set out for me. Yet, if I were to simply settle for the next boy I meet, will the desires of my heart be anywhere close to fulfilled? I am a cynic when it comes to boy-girl relationships especially as someone a part of a young age group who is already set to get married. But, admittedly, I sometimes want a boyfriend so badly, I get ahead of myself. I rage and lose complete focus on what's important in this season of my life. I guess I want to offer encouragement to you single ladies who feel the same way. Who often gets so exasperated, we are willing for any guy who looks our way. That's not what it's about, ladies. Never lose focus. Enjoy your life for what it is now. Be present.

(OK, the cynic in me says people are going to make comments with good intentions but patronizing tones. Don't even think about it.)

It seems like everyone a year ahead of me is about to be hitched. One of my good friends since freshman year is pregnant. (She's already married and my age). I have a number of friends my age talking about marriage (who aren't engaged).


I don't like to think about my future, but I'm a girl. So in reaction, I've set a few goals. I hope to keep them. But these can be bent. God might say no. People intricately involved in my life might say no. But for now, I like these goals.

1) Not get married until I am at least 25. And if I'm still single by the time I'm 35, that's fine and well. I know it'll happen eventually.

2) Not have a big wedding...or any wedding at all. Eloping sounds entirely good. Maybe grab a minister and run to a scenic part of the woods? People place too much emphasis on weddings. So much money is spent. So much time. So much energy. It always places more stress than needed. I don't want to be a bridezilla. Plus, I can imagine all the estrogen in the room that day and it scares me. Perky, planning Bridesmaids, worrying but perky mother, relatives, and i imagine stacks of other girls helping. It all just seems too much. Picturing it in my head, it always turns out catastrophic.

3) Not have a diamond on my ring finger. They're expensive, showy, and are often blood diamonds, exploiting third world countries in Africa. I'd rather have a cheaper more personal token of some dude's affection.

4) Not get pregnant, ever. Ok, this is obviously in the hands of God, so even if my husband and I have the safest sex ever we could have a baby. Maybe I could get sterilized. It's just that the thought of having a baby inside of me, kicking me, making me sick for 9 months and then get pushed out through a hole, makes me ill, literally ill. Especially if I have a c-section. I could NOT STAND to have my belly cut open. sick, sick, sick. I would much rather adopt. This world is already overpopulated as it is. There are children starving everywhere. Why not take a few of them in and love them as my own?

5) not live in the suburbs, ever, again




I am so glad I do not have to seriously think about these things for a LONG time. But for now, this seems good.


note: I do respect you if you marry young no matter what. I think it's an amazing thing to happen. I don't look down on people having weddings or having pretty rings, but it just isn't me. I don't want to do it. And I have a high, high respect for those who are pregnant. Very high. Extremely.

http://poemsbyjanello.blogspot.com/

It's all happening.

A few friends were the witnesses. The first to see me flip out at a sporting event tonight.

Even though I have a competitive drive (growing up with 3 brothers), I am notoriously known for hating sports. I hate playing them (because I'm so slow and clumsy), I hate watching them (even though it's on 24/7 in the Esposito household).

But on a whim, I went to an ice hockey game tonight- CNU vs. VCU. The captains got slaughtered. It was painful to watch, but at the same time, the game exhilarated me. Maybe it's the fact that you're standing so close, right outside the rink, you can feel the impact of a body slam. Hockey is violent. It's violent and stirs up emotions. And that somehow attracts me.

Hockey is a game somewhat known to me in person. When I was a pre-teen, my brother played indoor roller hockey. Not quite the same, but I enjoyed going to his games. That could've been just for the food and the hot older guys. But still, from sitting around all the violent hockey moms, I could feel the intensity. I could get into the game. I mean, it is more simple, and faster paced. I think that's why I like it.

The emotions of the violent hockey moms all came back to me tonight, and was channeled through my excessively loud voice, taunting insults, and insistent cheering, through almost the entire game. Bekah warned me not to get in any fights with VCU fans. A few came over to our side and cheered on VCU and I was ready to body slam them.

It's good. I finally found a vent for my competitive energy that usually remains locked up until someone pulls out "Apples to Apples" or "Risk" at a party.

just because i want to write

words to sum up this week:

exhausting
exhilarating

Last week ended and this week began with my STIM retreat. Rachel very kindly drove me to Richmond to meet up with VCU kids (all of whom I didn't know prior) to drive down to Wake Forest, NC. Coming in, I was stressed out and nervous. I left, not the same. I met and connected with a whole bunch of cool people and God was teaching me a lot about the biblical basis of missions work.

After I was back in Newport News, I wrote this prayer on my wrist:

Jesus give me the heart to share you with people.

That message compounded me (If that's the correct word). The thing is, I did not have the heart to share the gospel with people, but I believe God is answering that prayer, taking me, and reshaping my outlook on things.

It's incredible what God does when you ask.

Also, I'm not a vegetarian anymore. I'm a dignitarian (eat free range, local farm meat). I think I might buy some chicken next time I'm out (refer to my myspace for explanation).

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Something else God has impressed on my heart this week...

I am gifted.

This might sound a little arrogant (but it's not since we're all gifted). I'm just realizing where I am gifted...writing. These blogs might not make a lot of sense sometimes. I am certainly nothing worthy of literary attention. But God did gift me here, and being an English major has been incredible so far, because I get a lot of encouragement from my professors.

For one class, I wrote a paper that I felt was completely wrong because I felt it didn't answer the question my prof was looking for. When we had to revise it, I sent it to him, because I didn't know what to do. He printed it out and made copies and the class read it aloud. I was so embarrassed. I counted the number of sentences that ended with prepositions and was shamed. We discussed different things from the paper almost the entire class. And I felt like I couldn't contribute. And I didn't want to be the pompous who remarks, "Well, since this is MY paper..." Even with the embarrassment I was really flattered and just prayed for a miniscule ego.

God continuously showed me this week that I'm gifted. And I'm beginning to let him impress upon me my spiritual gifts. And I need to know I'm gifted because I walk around a lot, pitying myself for my lack of ability.
-----------------------------------------

Jamaica Kincaid came to talk at CNU on Thursday. She's a world famous author. She writes a lot about family and the place she's from. I want to do that. I want to write to find my voice. Do I yet have a distinct voice? I don't know but I know I want to be like her someday, only not her. Me. She seemed so down to earth. World famous writer, swaying around as she talked and playing with her scarf. It made me happy.

She said some words that affected me. One I'm left with.
"I'd rather die for the truth, then live with a lie."

I don't know if she's Christian but that spoke loads to me about sharing Christ with others. How can I live with the lie that we don't need Christ. And I also thought about the ramifications of telling the truth sometimes. It isn't always greeted fondly. I thought about the crucicfixion, and I turned it to today. Meaning, I thought about what it'd be like for me to die a death anywhere near the harshness of Jesus'. Morbid, I know. But this is truly changing my life, right now, as we speak.

----------------------
Recycle Fest had been hanging over me all week. I was so nervous. Intervarsity was competing in a contest where different campus clubs build scupltures out of recycled materials to represent their club. I organized IV's team and tried my best to recruit people. Getting closer, I was uneasy. We had no concept for what the scuplture would look life, and I hadn't heard from a lot of the people I recruited.

And everything of course came together wonderfully. We built a "tree of life" rooted in love (meaning we made hearts for the bottom). It was fantastic. We had more than enough people, more that enough materials. Everyone contributed significantly. I was just coordinating them, most of the good work was done by others.

And we won. We won $300 for IV. That's not just chump change. I heard some congratulating me and yes, I organized the team and came up with the concept but the only reason the tree was so great is the creative minds that went into it. But still, it feels so nice to feel of worth. I so little feel that. And God in different, small but mighty ways, has been showing me my worth. And I am in total awe of him.

That's all.

I am on the verge of tears over the most seemingly small matters.

Basically, I know it's good to be dependent on others. We're called to live in community. What does it mean to live in community? Share your gifts with others to serve and love on them. Use your blessings for the same thing. Help one another along. Never be too individualistic, too independent. Be there for each other. Encourage one another.

I get a lot of it. But in some things I just don't and what I'm about to write on doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is.

I don't have car. I don't know if I'll ever get one and if I'll ever have the money to get one (getting/keeping a job and saving money is for me something nearly impossible to do). If I had one, I don't know how comfortable I'd even feel comfortable using it around Newport News or for long-distance travel. I don't even like cars. I don't like the cost. I don't the pollution. I don't like all the gas that gets used up that will lead to some, probably, catastrophic events.

And this has become a burden for me.
Not having a car.

I feel way too reliant on people. And yet, I'm supposed to be reliant. But to this extent, it feels like a burden people are usually unwilling to carry. It's very rarely that I'll find anyone who wants to drive me around just so I can do errands, go grocery shopping (find a job). Because of this, I'm very shy about asking and when I do it, it's usually in a very passive way.

When you live in a town where there's no reliable public transportation, it gets very hard. I wish public transit here was much better than it is. It sucks.

Next weekend, I have to go to a retreat in Wake Forest, NC for Students Training In Missions. The nearest people going are in Richmond, and for any of them to pick me up would be out of the way. So I need someone to give me a ride to Richmond or to Wake Forest, and I'm very reluctant to ask anyone because somehow I find so much shame in asking. In asking someone to take so many hours out of their day just to take me.

It doesn't seem right that such a material thing like owning a car should affect me so emotionally. It brings me to tears sometimes. And most of that is self-pity, that I am a huge burden for people, and I need Christ to take me away from that.

So, we are called to be in community. To carry each other's burdens. And to LET people carry our burdens (it's pride if we don't). I suppose I just have so much bottled up pride I don't let go of. But most people just don't let you be comfortable about asking them for a ride.

There's a question that I've been wrestling around with a lot. And it's been haunting me.

Am I put into this world for one main purpose...is there something here I'm meant for? Or is God pleased with whatever I do as long as I devote myself to him?

I don't know if that question is worded just how I want it to be, but hopefully you get the idea. God's will for my life, is it direct or indirect? Is there a career that I'm absolutely meant for? Or is that in my hands? Right now, I can say I have no idea.

I don't really even know how to pray about it really. And I don't know how to discern God's will. I don't even know for that matter what spiritual gifts I have. And that can be important while trying to determine a pathway. All I know, is that I have a lot of passion. There are so many things I would drop everything to do. So, what do I do?

In theory, I have a year and a half left at school. The pressure is on. People are asking me what I want to do when I get out. A lot of my friends already have plans. People are wondering what plans I have, and I keep making new ones. Over and over again. I revise everything. First, I want to be a teacher, then I want to give the film thing a shot, thoughts of going into the ministry keep intriguing me, and then I think, "ooo, what about culinary school?"

I wanna open a small forward-thinking cafe. I wanna join the peace corps. I wanna write for magazines. I wanna write for movies. I wanna be a college professor. I wanna teach hard-to-do kids. I wanna be a part of a church plant. I wanna work for social justice. I wanna be the next Rachel Ray. I wanna live in Oregon. I wanna live in Africa. I wanna be a wife and have kids.

I don't know anything. I think that's OK. Really I do. I just don't know how closely I'm paying attention to God and his plan. So, ok, I know God has a plan. He can't plan the end and not plan the means. But is it really so specific? I try to pray about it. Really I do.

And let's say I don't pray. I don't think too seriously about it. Do I just whim it? 'Cause that's what I feel like I'm doing right now. Just chasing the wind.

Will God's will still intercede through my "whimming"?

It has to, right?
God is sovereign after all.



What are my gifts?
What is my purpose? What am I here for?
I always laughed at the Purpose Driven Life. I think now's the time to give that book a chance.

Man, I hate it when people are not straight with me.
If someone thinks something will hurt me and doesn't tell me something because of that, that makes me feel worse then whatever news they weren't going to tell me. It says that I can't handle being hurt. And really, I get hurt most when people aren't straight with me. Whatever it is, by itself, is not normally a big deal to me. Not at all. This particular thing would've been nothing if EVERYONE involved who knew, just told me.

And I hate, hate, hate it when people make assumptions. Just because I don't make plans leap years ahead of time doesn't mean I won't make plans. And people need to tell me when they make plans that effect me. Because it EFFECTS me. It hurts most when I just happen to incidentally find out stuff just from browsing on facebook.

I am not someone who gets hurt quite often. Let me rephrase, I don't let people hurt me. I don't let people in quite enough to effect me. I know that's wrong. I know I need to be effected by people. That's part of life. But I usually don't until something escalates. And then I remember everything. And that's when it sucks the most.

Why do I feel like no one ever likes to truthfully communicate with me? I am very truthful and honest about my feelings when people just ask. And it's not like I'm ever imply, "Bitch, why you eff me up like that? You'll have nothing to do with me anymore!"

For example, I used to like a boy. (This is different from what was driving my anger expressed above). I liked him for awhile. I never told him when I did because I didn't want to be effected by a possible negative response. Well, it turns out he caught drift that I might like him, and thus avoided me. Just because of the possibility that I might read him the wrong way if he hung around. And I might've. But why couldn't both of us ever be straight about this, until it after past, and I said something? He's apologized for being a jerk about the avoidance, but I just shrugged it off like it was ok. And it wasn't, at least when I liked him, it wasn't. Why couldn't I just say that. Why do I always have to say that everything is ok? When I'm not OK! In keeping my usual distance from people, I had to shrug him off and not let his response effect me, cause guess what, emotions would have to be dealt with. I would have to deal with actual, non-passive, but active emotions.

So even when I try, and (this is not even the matter driving this entry) my distance does not allow me to be 100% straight with people, and they can't be straight with me. Why can't we all just learn how to communicate? Why do we have to be so sneaky?

It was hard for me to ask questions. It's easier for me to avoid the answers.

In one of my favorite movies, Amelie, the protagonist has to face this. Same as I, she doesn't want a reality check. She'd rather either be anonymously helping people or caught up in the own world she's created around her.

Towards the end, a friend gives her helpful advice, though not even in person but through the media of a video tape.

"So, my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton."

In this context, this applies to a romantic situation she finds herself pursuing and then running away from. But this also applies to just about every interpersonal situation we find ourselves in. We or other people act like we are more fragile than in reality. And all that results from it is a dry, cold heart, distant from letting anyone truly infiltrate.


And so I, Janelle, must find some way out of this world I've found myself falling dreamily into. Maybe then people won't treat me as though I'm so fragile. Maybe then I can let people in.

The semester's coming to a close, and you know how I feel all this time went?
Wasted. wasted in crap. in not doing the things i really wanted.

anyhow, i feel totally withdrawn from campus life. and i can think of a few factors that we can plug in.

1) i live in a house, not in any residence halls
2) i'm in organizations that serve a narrow scope of people. not like they aren't great. i love them. but there is something i'm missing.
3) i'm an upperclassmen and so I don't give a crap (but then when I miss out, I do).
4) i am not yet totally immersed in my major. but unlike other majors, english people don't seem to be very social. at least with each other.

and so, there may be more. but those are the main things i can think of. i really like living in a house. i love the privacy. the intimacy. the space i have even if i have a small room (there's so many places in the house where my crap piles up).


and i mean, i know a lot of people. but I don't KNOW a lot of people. and it's so hard for me to crawl out of my turtle shell and reach the ones who I kinda sorta know. and i have very few guy friends. i mean, i have lots of guy friends. but as far as guys who i'm comfortable casually asking to hang out with me, there are 2, or 3. and i love them, but i am also sick of them. (i know, i know. but i think we all from time to time get sick of our good friends).

and as far as girl friends go. i have some very close friends. and i have enough. but. all of them are christians. all of them who i am close to. and i even spread myself out thinly between all my christian girl friends, when really, i should be branching out beyond them. but i get so dang comfortable in that group, cause they're accepting of my beliefs. it shouldn't be hard for me to hang around people with different beliefs and it isn't. but it's hard for me to get close to them, so i don't spend a lot of time hanging with them. probably because i'm scared. i'm scared of girls. they either are a) too catty b) too intimidating c) too petty. or all of the above. and then there's d) that a girl is actually a pretty cool person but spends her time doing things i wouldn't do and so in my mind, since i'm not comforable hanging out with her while doing these things, i place judgement on her, even though i don't act like i do.

and it's all wrong.

my scope of friends is way too narrow. i don't want to thin myself out to much. i just want to be more open to be better friends with people, that don't necessarily fall in my zone of comfort.

so as far as the non-christian clubs i'm in- cnu tonight, ecology, citizens of the world...i mean i only see these people in meetings...and aside from that don't really think about hanging out with them. or i mean to, and then i don't. or i'm shy. but even with being in these clubs, the whole friendship thing is still kinda outside my zone of comfort. and i want to go there, but i don't.

where is this bringing me too?

oh man. i'm gonna hear it for this. good thing not many people read this blog.

i'm thinking of joining a sorority.

haha. i know me, janelle. i'm an anti sorority queen. i have never been a fan of any of the things they do, cause it seems too silly and petty. except philanthropy. that's actually kinda cool. i have soroity friends who don't talk to me about rushing 'cause they know after all this time, i'll say no. they might shyly mention an event once in awhile and i'll act all nice about it and not show up. and sorority girls piss me off. don't get me wrong. i know some cool sorority girls who don't fit the mold. but being in a sorority means i get to deal with those girly, feminine, catty, materialistic archetypes i so love to avoid. or roll my eyes at in disgust.

plus joining a sorority means following conventions and rules. wearing my t-shirt with all of my sisters the same day. dressing up in cute party clothes i don't have. paying money for friends. joining a cult.

so why would i want to join a sorority?

sisterhood. i have sisterhood with my friends in christ. but no one else. i feel so exclusive. i feel so cut off. maybe it's time to let down my guard. to let down all the pretense, all the negative feelings i have. to lose my pride in my identity, for a new gain. to be actively involved something that requires me to go out and do stuff (cause believe me, it's hard doing it on your own). i really feel that next semester, i might just rush.


i cannot believe i'm thinking this. where is my mind? i don't even have the money for this.

My life this week was filled with intentional action. It feels good to be off my feet for once.

One thing, is that, I don't get involved with the campus cultural pursuits all too much. Strange because I am a person filled with passion for cultural things, but I don't partake in a lot of things that go on at my Campus (I guess one reason is that I sometimes feel like CNU is a joke anyways. But in fact, the students and faculty have been stepping up lately to make it a better place.)


So where is this bringing me to? I submitted some of my work to Currents, the campus literary magazine. Something I never thought to do before this semester, even though I love to write. Yesterday, even before the deadline, I found 3 poems that weren't too confessional (as every piece I write is either confessional or uber confessional), and then, inspired, I wrote another. I submitted four them. Even if they don't make it in, I still feel good about engaging myself in the campus arts culture. I hide too often in the christian sub-culture here.


I guess my free verse always shows that not much time is put into my piees. But I can't help but the love the fluidity of free verse so much more than imposed structure. Someday, I'll get into the pattern of rhyme scales, sonnets and iambic petameter. It's called English 353 (poetry writing) and it'll kick my butt.

With that said, I wrote this yesterday. In 10 minutes.

Here I am,
At last!
All alone.
The constant noise
of people flittering about
has now past.
Here I am.

What to do now?

When I’m with people
I talk
and listen
express
make jokes
share stories
share heartaches
play.
free being who I am
with everyone
but me.

now here I am.
alone again
free from the
social anxieties of the day
but wait.
anxiety is still a person
and here I am.
all alone.
a voice from within shouts out
“Stupid! Stupid!
You are stupid filth.”
I tremble,
and I cry,
and cry out
or I feel nothing at all
the pain is numb.
when I cry, I know I’m alive.

Slum Communities and a Vision for Winter Break

I want to go to Urbana. But right now, it doesn't look possible with needing to have a job for winter break, and needing money for a possible missions trip this summer. Afterall, that is what this conference is about, missions. So I will pick spending a ton of money on a missions trip over spending a ton of money for a conference about missions. But I still really wish I were going, especially when I discovered International Justice Mission this morning, and realized they're speaking at the conference. Then, I realized that a whole track at Urbana is about slum communities. I was looking through the track, and it seems really powerful and moving. And also disturbing. In a good, thought-provoking way. It made me really wish that I could go to Urbana. And then I started praying about it.

And God told me that I can start where I am. That I have resources available to help me investigate and educate myself, if I really took the time on my own to pray and care about it, it could be so much more valuable to me. And then, when my friends who go to Urbana come back, they'll have at least one person who is like-minded who they can talk to about Urbana, sharing with me the things that God taught them, so that I can learn, as I share with them whatever God has been teaching me.

I am dedicating my winter break to God. To even in my shallow, suburban surroundings, to learn about his Kingdom, and to pay attention to it. To paying attention to the places, the margins, where churches so often ignore people. Not only will I spend time when I'm not in work, reading about the slums to educate myself. Which will be Good. But I'm gonna do something. I need to something. I need to stop being inactive.

Here's the plan-
Take every Saturday off from work. Go to DC. Into the most wretched parts. Talk to people. Feed people. Listen to them. Love them.

Cause Jesus would.

I am not sure how this will look yet. I am looking into finding a missions organization based in DC to work with. Also, going alone would freak out my parents. One little girl wandering around the DC ghetto doesn't sound very good. I want to find other people to do this with me. Who is committed. Every Saturday.

Anyone want in?

crying has been good. i have been crying a lot.

my apathy that has been defining me is slowly dissipating.

on that same note of apathy, my play is coming along. i was pretty frusterated,because i had writers block for a good two or three weeks.

i am in a desperate search for jobs. one for winter break, and one for when i come back from winter break. i have always taken my parents income for granted. now is the time for me to step up. i am scared though. part-time work and i have always clashed. they want you to have a particular mindset that goes against every grain of my being. i speak a tad bit too dramatically sometimes, but part-time work does not get along with me. on the other hand, there are certain jobs out there i can do, but those require a college education most of the time. part-time, let me get by jobs are shit. i hate them. but i need to suck it up and just do it.

i want to go to Kenya. this summer.

if it's in God's will, i am sure it can happen.

money is an issue. but it isn't.

i'm taking everything into consideration.

1) God provides
2) Trust God
3) think of the rich, young ruler
4) investigate my resources
- i can get a job over break -
-it's an IV global project (therefor my IV chapter must help me raise the money).
-if i do STIM, i can raise money with a group, communally.
- i have a friend who wants to do it too, and we're gonna pray about it. (aside from the fact the trip requires 2 people from the same school)

The description sounds rockin'. I would get to live with church leaders, i will get to work with other students, i would possibly get the chance to teach kids in orphanages.

and i just need to get out of this culture. and learn about a new one. or ones (as kenya has much diversity).


now, i need to convince my parents.

and pray.

praylikemad.

This weekend. I could probably write 20 pages about it. But, I'll keep it brief, biblical, and beneficial.

It was Intervarsity 222 conference, pretty much right down the road. I did not want to go. I was set against it. It was the last thing I wanted to do.

I finally decided to go. And for my track, I did journey. Which was good, very basic. And I needed that. So badly.

It seems that part of me has forgotten what it is to be a Christ follower. Lately, I've been too comfortable screaming in the dark. This weekend, I made a serious recommittment. And I'm determined to follow through.

There's so much to say.

1) I always forget...

grace + nothing= right standing with God

2) silence is golden. I should spend more time in silence before God to actually listen to him. there's so much noise. especially music and technology (this stupid computer).

3) the story of the prodigal son really gets to me. it really irks my flesh (Luke 15). It always seemed to me that the lost son got more reward than the loyal son. in my life, i've felt like the loyal son. and then part of me still feels like the lost son, even though I've always been at "home". ugh. i don't feel like typing out everything about this passage right now. so if you want more unloaded, just ask.

3) i have real problems with anger. i have a cold heart, especially towards other girls. my relationships with the same gender are just not as close as they should be. i harbor a great deal of resentment. i pinpointed the root of it, which i can't really express adequately on a public blog, so if you want more unloaded, then once again, please ask.

4) the last point comes down to essentially two things
-forgiveness
-humbling myself. letting down my pride. getting my high horse. i value my identity and opinions too much. even over Christ. i need that stipped away.

with those two things, maybe reconcilation can take place. and this isn't just with girls. but with the other gender too, especially my closest relationships.

This is all seems very straight-forward and list-like. But I'm struggling with a great deal of emotions dealing with these things. Lately, it's just been, just been ugh. So in the dark. I just want to be in light. I want to be completely transformed. I had a really good cry last night, in talking to people I didn't even know until this weekend (my small group for the weekend). I hate crying in front of people, but honestly in just felt good to let go. There was only one person I knew in the small group, but I never knew him all too well, or his story leading to him knowing Christ. It was good that he was in my group because he went to my high school. It's amazing to see how Christ has transformed someone I used to know as someone else. I don't get to see that too often. It's really encouraging. I really liked everyone in my small group, and was able to rejoice with them in their sorrows and joys.

I am letting go now.



on a completely different note, a lot of my roommates are catching on to my love for organic and yummy foods at Trader Joe's. They're shopping there and even keep talking about it. Now if only I could be as excited about Christ to other friends as I am for Trader Joe's.



" I could more easily contain Niagra Falls in a tea cup than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable love of God. If our faith is going to be criticized, let it be for the right reasons. Not because we are too emotional but because we are not emotional enough; not because our passions are so powerful but because they are so puny; not because we are too affectionate but because we lack a deep, passionate, uncompromising affection for Jesus Christ."
-The Ragamuffin Gospel

my mind is changing every day.

i feel I'm failing at any attempt of clarity.

but maybe it's good that life is a bit foggy and ambiguous?


my mind is changing everyday.

i feel like i have to make a life-changing decision within a week's time.
i know that's actually nuts. but the pressure's building, gearing my thoughts to rush and run around.

God, GIVE ME CLARITY!

no?

ok.

!!!!mid-college freak-out!!!!

it's reached that point, where i'm starting to feel a certain amount of heftiness. i didn't have much of a plan going into college. my plan originally was to go to cnu 2 years then transfer to film school. obviously, that didn't work out. during that time, i was trying to figure out what to do, cause i still wanted to study film. so i decided to major in theater, with directing and dramatic lit. i figured it'd be a good segue into grad school for film. uh, that turned out to be extremely negative. theater was not what i thought it'd be. and i thought it completely worthless spending all my time on things that had nothing to do with me wanting to be a theater major- like 4 hours of tech work a week! what the crap?! 4 semesters of backstage practicum! that added to all the expectations of my concentration and the stuff that theater students were highly encouraged to do. i wanted to die. and i didn't end that last semester well. I'm not used to seeing C's after putting forth SO much sweat and pain.

after last semester, i had a crisis. did not know what to do. transfer out of cnu? it was too late. i knew my only other option was to be an english major, and for some reason, i was totally opposed to it. but i felt pretty dang good, when i decided to do creative writing. it's something people always encourage me with, cause apparently, i can't write well. and i like it.
so, that was said and done.

and then, my epiphany came. i want to teach! i was so excited. until my roomie who is a grad student in the MAT program started talking about all the requirements. i started to freak out. ok, so i'll just, just to have add another semester here, or do some summer school, but i can get it done! even when faced with the realities of MAT and teaching my roomie was informing me of, i still felt very sure that i had to just go for it.

until friday. i met with one of the MAT advisors. and thus, i am no longer sure if MAT is for me. she told me of my the requirements. for me to be a high school english teacher, i would have to take several, several classes that i wasn't going to take. it's almost like adding on another concentration to my english major, thus double majoring. plus i have a double minor already in process, which the advisor was not to excited to hear. adding all of this together, i should be out of CNU at age 27.

so what do i do? drop creative writing?

i really, really don't want to that. plus creative writing really only requires 5 classes plus any other upper level english classes that go in. but just imagine- i would have to take a really intense fiction writing class and some grammar class (that would drive me mad) and a 30 hour classroom lab all at once, plus two other classes.

i really have to consider something. the MAT program only covers two types of traditional education. K-6 and 6-12. am i absolutely positive i want to teach high school or middle school?? i have no clue if i want to teach either, i just know i want to teach, and MAT is the fastest way to guarantee me a job. but this program is sooo...anally retentive. there is so much red tape, and so much that goes with getting into the program. plus, the public school system from what i hear and have experienced is, too, anally retentive. i just, won't be able to stand it. I am way too type B. If i teach, i want to teach kids things that i care about and they do or will probably care about. i don't want to worry about outside pressure of achievement scores in testing, like SOL. i hate the SOLs. hate. hate. hate. cause i really feel like they ruined my secondary education. most of my teachers were so geared for teaching for the SOLs, they didn't do anything else. it sucked.

so, do i really want to be a teacher for the state of Virginia? not really, i think. but it just feels like the most realistic thing for a job for me after school. haha. i know it's funny. janelle thinking realistically. but you what? all the dreams i've had for after college, they demand money. going to film school, going to italy, doing mission work in third world countries, moving to Portland, even just working for a church (cause God knows ministers don't make a lotta money. My IV staff workers have to fund raise their money). i have no money. and i'm realizing that my parents don't have limitless resources for me to draw from. i'm realizing i'm lucky enough being put through school. all my idealistic dreams can't be met without money. funny, cause i hate money. i hate 9-5 office jobs. i hate doing the same mundane tasks for hours on end. i hate high pressure jobs. where people are always waiting on you to get them stuff. and the line never ends. i'm just not cut out for an average job.

but one reason why i don't want to be a virginia public school teacher right away, is that i feel the next few years after college will be the only time i have to pursue my dreams. think about it. someday i'll meet the man i want to marry. this man, if i get that lucky, will ask me to marry him. then we'll SETTLE DOWN. i hate that. i hate those words. it implies so much. husband will go and be a breadwinner. so we can have a big house for our kids, who i would have to most likely stay home with, if i want them to turn out alright. i'll never see my husband, cause he'll be too busy trying to provide stuff for us. and my life will be in constant control of my kids. i wouldn't be able just to go on a random trip or go live in africa whenever i feel like it. i'll have lives to be responsible for. we'll live in some boring house, in a boring neighborhood, that looks like every house and every neighborhood in America. all my friends will be doing the same thing. and we'll get together to talk about stupid, American dream-oriented things. and i'll become a rigid conservative, cause all i'll care about is my own security.

and it'll be all because money will keep us there. keep us away from pursuing dreams else where. keep us away from people who are in need. keep us away from any unpredictability and excitement. even if the guy i marry has the same dreams as i, we'd still not have the money.

teaching seems to be the only way, but traditional, i just can't do.

an afterthought
of course this freak out is natural. it's part of my flesh.

but i'm called beyond that.

and people always remind me. sherwin told me to read this after reading this post.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers and sisters,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable
- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -
think about such things.

Whatever you have learned or recieved, or heard from, or seen in me - put it into practice.

And the God of peace will be with you.

For play pitch, see entry below

I’m back to the personal stuff.

Lately, I’ve been feeling weird about guys. Cause usually, I have some guy friends who I am pretty tight with. More recently though, I don’t feel “tight” with anyone and that really, kinda bothers me. I am becoming really, really comfortable being single, and I don’t find myself really looking for a boyfriend. I just want guy friends. So benificial to have. I feel like part of me is missing without the role of platonic friends.

It’s not like I don’t have any guy friends, I just feel myself drifting apart from all of them. And I don’t like that. Especially with my Christian friends. I feel like they are always seen on two extremes: as womanizers or asexuals. Now, I know that most of my friends don’t fall on either of these, but they try so hard not to be one of them, that they’ll end up seeming to be another, or just really really big awkwardness will ensue.

My guy friends who are hooked or have been recently hooked up are a different story. I am not an imposing threat on them, but then again I am, cause their girlfriend needs to be the one girl they invest all their energy in. True? In a way, yes.

I feel like some guys are scared that if we get too close, I’ll get a crush on them (or they’ll get a crush on me), but that’s dumb. Why do people have to see everyone of the opposite gender as an option? I look around me, and like, 95% of the guys at CNU will never ever be options. And on my part, it’s not like I’m a model-like, flirty vixen, out to prey on any unassuming victim. I’m a stout, funny/awkward, low-maintenance chick who’d rather just have guys around more to shoot cut-down jokes at, talk about nerdy topics, philosophize, play poker, smoke a black, and once in awhile get an inside perspective on stuff. I have not played poker, or any other dude games at all this year. I feel so guy friend deprived, that it’s contributing to my introverted awkwardness I’ve felt around people lately.

At home, I really only hang out with guys when I do decide to socialize. This summer in Portland, some of my closest friends were guys and I did not feel a bit attracted to any of them (so great!), I grew up with boys. I need them to function as who the true Janelle really is.

I ate lunch with some guys today. It was weird. Cause of awkward conversation. And especially since one of them and I used to talk to a lot, in a completely buddy-like, not romantic manner. But we had really good conversations coming from two different perspectives. And I really liked that. I could also talk to him about things that we both really liked. It’s hard to find guy friends who share the same interests. Nowadays, since I hardly see him, I can’t have any buddy talks with him. Trying to conversate with him now is awkward cause it’s so few and far between. I miss hanging out with him, but I every time I try to initiate that, he just seems to avoid me.

It feels like everyone is avoiding me. And I do it too. I fear guys who appear to be coming on too strong, and I put up a guard. WE SHOULDN’T BE DOING THIS.
I hope this blog will get me my guy friends back.

I am taking playwriting seminar this semester. For this class I must write a 10-minute one-act, oh what you call it, play.

Tonight was the night to pitch ideas. In a perfect world. I found myself aggravated by continual prolonging of the idea session, of which we were each supposed to pitch 2 ideas tonight. Only half the class ended up pitching 1.

My point? (which is not the annoyance)

I actually very badly wanted to pitch one of my ideas tonight. So much that I was practically falling out of my chair, anticipating my turn to run my thoughts. This is not because I think I have some genius idea, and that it is the best one ever. It's because I have an idea for a play that might be mediocre, but I'm burning to write, and I wanted feedback. I wanted ideas to how this could be staged. And I wanted to know if this could even work.

And I went home with nothing.

And so. If you would be so nice, I will propose my pitch right now to whoever might read this blog. All 3 of you (but that's better than non).

working title- Drink Your Coffee, It’ll all be OK.
This will probably end up being a satire, with some black comedy and some absurdism rooted in it.

Broad Stroke (theme):

Apathy is one of the biggest diseases of this generation. The only way to break out of this apathy and truly live is to die to your old life.


Stasis:

Normal, comfortable college campus, named Freedom University, slightly isolated from everywhere else, in a bubble. Angela is a student there, privileged and wealthy, and deeply in love with her boyfriend, she wants to marry. Her world is in perfect oblivion. Nothing bad can happen.

Intrusion:
Angela starts to notice that people are falling down, dying. And no one is doing anything about it, except when the bodies get removed. Not many around her notices these bodies. And when they do, they just go on with their lives.

Fight: Angela must overcome her fear of people andself-consciousness of her lisp to get people to understand what’s happening and do something about it. Her boyfriend acts as a barrier to this, as he has always served to protect her and give her confidence.

It isn’t until poor students get kicked out of housing that anyone decides to start fighting the administration, who is behind these deaths. Angela tries to figure out what she can actively do, but gets even more confused when her boyfriend starts urging her to marry him. He wants to protect her to get away from the messy life of the now flawed campus, but she wants to stay and help out.

Angela finds out that if she gives away everything she has and gets the other wealthy students to share, they can stop the death and poverty. Even when she reaches this realization, she sees that more than money must be given, and she doesn't know what.

Crisis
She has to decide though to give away everything or to leave and marry her boyfriend, and live a comfortable American dream.

So that's it.
The major issue this play is addressing is the human rights crimes made around the world that we are daily ignorant to in our sheltered culture. The genocide/plague that persists will be made to parallel the events occurring in Sudan. The satire will hopefully encourage people to think about their living situations, how lucky we really are, and think about giving away their hearts, their lives to help people who are suffering and promote a movement against apathy in American youth/young adult culture.

I have a general idea here. And I think this is unique and interesting to see on stage, but I'm not sure how to flesh it out for the stage. So any suggestions would be wonderful.

Thank you.

i've meant to post these poems up on here since i wrote them a couple weeks ago, while I was too distracted by myself to pay attention at IV and CNU Tonight practice. as i typed them, i did make minor changes, but, they're not very good. sometimes it's just therapeutic to release your true feelings through shitty poetry.

knowing

I look around me
all I see is familiar,
here in this room.
A few I don't know
and I feel confidence
the majority I do know.
but wait?
why do I have confidence
in knowing them?
I step outside here
and I know few
too few
outside these walls
of people singing
shiny faces
and with all my knowing
i feel so alone
this place
is it my hiding place?
a place to trick people
that I know
what it is to be alive?

here and there

I'm here.
I promise.
What,
just because there's no
cheery smile and
hearty hello,
I'm upset?
I'm disturbed?
Doomed?
Yeah,
I'm here.
Not myself,
but not bad..
just present, I guess.
Watch my eyes as they shine
briefly
then glance away in disinterest;
cause right now
I'd rather be still
and just breathe.
So,
I am here
and you are there,
where you can stay.

words. words. words.

words flow from my lips.
silly words. awkward.
I-I try to correct myself.
Try to make it right.
What need?
In my mind,
will I ever be right?

words roll off my tongue.
silly words make
awkward conversation
Don't know what I'm sayinh.
or if this person
really matters.
and,
does he care
how awkward I am?

words pour out of me.
and i can't help myself.
silly. awkward. obscure.
I say what I think;
when I don't,
the words stumble
and ceases to continue.
That is when
I feel the most awkward.

Methods
I turn up the volume
as high as the morning'll alow
even muster up a dance
as i change into my green dress.
I set the coffee pot on --
top priority.
My! how deliciously potent it'll be!
the aroma itself
awakens and excites.
I instant message,
as my friends and I
exchange wits.
the coffee is ready--
here I come!
dash of creamer,
dash of cinnamon
and it's there.
I sit down. just sit
sipping the hot liquid
filling my mouth
and empty stomach.
Disappointed by
its lack of expected potency,
I laugh to myself,
"Yeahhhh, I'll need this
again in a few hours!"
Then get up, make away
back to the computer,
where my life is awaiting.
what a life.

home, sweet home.

i guess it's nice to take a break away from the college world, but everytime i go home, suburbia effects me either harder. here are things i do everytime i go back home.

1) watch tv.

i never ever watch tv at school. i refuse to. in fact, all we have at my house is basic cable and i like it that way. but then there's home. we have like 3 enormous TVs. complete with surround sound, TiVo, HD and all the sports channels known to man. well at least one of televisions has all those components. and the TV is always on. i got yelled at for turning the stereo to the TV off earlier. apparently, it hurts the system. so when the tv goes off, it actually isn't off, the screen is off, and the stereo is turned down lower. what a waste of energy is what i think to myself. but i always have to respect that these things are not mine so I do not have control over them. anyhoo. i watch a heck of a lot of TV when I am home. and it's mostly out of consent to things I hate, just to be with my family. Like today, I watched the Bachelor in Rome on Tivo with my mom. That show represents why I hate tv. Also, my mom likes to watch shows about houses. Whether it's decorating a house, or just looking at houses. usually, the bigger, the better. i don't have anything against house dwelling, i just think it shows how sadly devoted our culture is to the American Dream to have shows about people house hunting in suburbia.

what i do like on TV, when I watch it, are things that entertain or inform. If they do both, that's even better. When I'm home, I like to watch Degrassi. The show is terribly melodramatic, shows kids in unrealistic situations, but I like it cause I can laugh at its ridiculousness. It's so bad, it's good. I just watched a whole episode of the Office today. I didn't get any plot out of it, but I loved it! It just satires office life so well!! Finally something that is humorous makes its way back on the tube. I have not gotten into Lost or Grey's Anatomy, and I don't think I ever will, honestly, although I am glad that scripted drama that is not the OC has made its way back on TV. And I like to watch the History channel. It contains a wealth of obscure information. Amazing. I check channels like Comedy Central, TBS, Fox Family, for any silly movies to watch. If I wanna watch anything good, I check AMC, Bravo, or any of the classic movie channels.

ok, number 1 was much longer than i anticipated.

2) eat a lot of food.

I wasn't expecting this, this time cause I just went vegetarian this summer. However, yesterday, my parents concocted a vegetarian feast in honor of my homecoming. Eggplant parmesan, veggie pizza, rotini, salad. OMG, so good. Also, if I happen to see friends, I can guaratee you it'll over food. Northern Virginians sure do eat out a lot. Whenever we get together, we get together to consume. I don't know if I'll be doing much of this, this weekend, but I did go to an Indian buffet today with Adam, Scott, and their friend Jessica. Typically the places to go are IHOP, Tony's or some other place with greasy food. There is always a visit to Coldstone with one of my old female comrades.

3) smoke at starbucks.

i haven't done it yet this weekend, and i don't know if i will, but i end up doing this at least once, each time I'm in nova. Starbucks is literally the only place in town aside from greasy restaurants youngsters will hang out at. many people don't just drink coffee there. They sit until past close, chain smoking and talking about mainly pretty dumb stuff. A couple of my friends partake in this culture, so when I wanna hang out with them, I do it too. However, everytime I go, I run into asses who I butt heads with. I think a lot of the youngsters there are just extremely bitter cause they haven't gotten out of Manahole yet.

4) get into friendly arguments with my dad about politics. these can be triggered by just about any topic.

5) drink wine and smoke a cigar with my dad on the porch

6) fight for the TV to be turned off so I can read

7) go to churches I really don't like just so I can see old friends

8) drive a car, though not for very long.

i used to drive around much more in my NOVA visits, but when my brother Mark moved out, he took the car I would drive. My parents get pretty anal when it comes to me driving their cars, and since last summer, my driving has been reduced to non.

9) get asked about my weight

EVERYTIME I come home. it's either, "oh, you lost weight". or, "oh do you think you gained or lost weight?"(which means I gained)
this comes from everyone in my family, especially my mom.

10) sleep with my dog
this is one of the better things about my stays at home

11) take random pictures of myself for facebook or myspace

i tend to do this only when I'm home. sometimes i even get made up to do it.

12) see at least one old friend I get in an awkward conversation with

13) stay at home, mainly being anti-social

14) watch a lot of movies

15) complain about Manassas