notes to self

1) God's expectations are not always my expectations. His ways are higher than mine.

2) stop spending all your time watching the office, arrested development and playing scrabulous on facebook

3) get into scripture. get fed. eat with God.

4) loneliness is universal. stop feeling like you're the only one.

5) stop trying to control your destiny.

6) boys are stupid. stop thinking about them. stop overanalyzing.

7) stay informed about kenya and other things on around the globe.

8) make sure you call your friends this week.

9) value your family

10) remember that no matter how much you fail, you are always a daughter of God- precious and valued in HIS sight.

another family affair?

I have tried my best to stray away from having political arguments with members of my family, as I enjoy building unity rather than trying to project my rightness over anyone.

And really, the things I believe in (the causes) are not purely political. And I'm sick of parties having claims over them. And while I want to vote in someone who projects these values, they still could be Democrat or Republican. Sadly, many republicans regard these values as leftist.

fighting poverty
environmental care
human rights
ending world hunger
providing educational opportunities for everyone
providing vocational training

yes, the evils of liberalism.

truth is, neither party fights for truth as much as they try to lead on.

so who will i vote for in 2008?

preferably someone who stands by these issues, and ALSO is against abortion. and against the war in Iraq. and won't give the government more legitimacy to red tape everything.

who fits into this ideal candidate?

no one.

i'm sick of politics and sick of pointless family debates.

Violence in Kenya

Pray for Kenya

When I was in Kenya this summer, I watched a lot of Kenyan news, having the privilege of staying with a woman in Nairobi who could afford a tv. A heated topic was the upcoming presidential elections. Honestly, I saw that the competition was cutthroat but I did not realize any huge party implications. I heard people were very spilt on politics, especially since democracy was so new to them. But my naive little mind could not wrap around the possible reprecussions of this election.

The Electoral Comission of Kenya announced earlier today (Sunday) that President Kibaki had beat Raila Odinga by more than 230,000 votes, and he was immediately sworn into office. But Mr. Odinga disputed this result, accusing " a clique of people around Kibaki trying to rob Kenyans of the election," to his supporters at a news conference after the results were announced.

After the government suspended all live television and radio reports, Mr Odinga's Orange Democratic Movement invited its supporters to an alternative inauguration ceremony in the capital, Nairobi, on Monday to declare him the "people's president".

All of this had dangerous ramifications.

After the official results were announced, thousands of opposition supporters took to the streets across the country in protest and at least 13 people were killed.

According to BBC, in Nairobi's Kibera slum, people began attacking and looting shops. Houses were burnt to the ground and vehicles set in flames. Police fired live rounds and tear-gas to disperse Mr Odinga's supporters, while a blackout also plunged the area into darkness.

This is where -I worked this summer - Kibera. Looking through the pictures on BBC news, it looks all too familiar. I thought about the people I met in their homes, the sisters I worked with at the Missionaries of Charity and the school kids as well as the street kids who'd always cry out "how are you!"

This has all just happened within the past day. It looks like it'll just get worse. Evangeline, who went to on the Kenya Global Project me, forwarded this e-mail tonight from a missionary in Northern Kenya:

Dear brothers and sisters,

Greetings in the Lord.

As you may have heard from the news that Kenya has just had an election this past Thursday. The presidential race was so close that it took a few days for the electoral commission until this evening to make announcement. They have declared the current president Kibaki as the winner. But the opposition party has rejected the result, accusing the government of rigging the votes. People are very confuse now. A peaceful election has turned into violence everywhere in the country. People in many towns along the highway have set up road blocks and create havoc and chaos (burning tires, throwing rocks, and rioting).

I was traveling down country from Lokichoggio yesterday to send some missionary friends home and plan to get some supplies in Nairobi. But on our way, we have heard violence in many parts of the country. We had to stay in a town last night to avoid the trouble. Today, as we heard the road were clear ed so I continued to send a missionary home and another one to the local airport, we were caught in some of the road blocks along the way. We thank God that we got through safely, but it was very scary and tense with the mob surrounding our vehicles shouting and threatening us. The situation where I am now is very tense. I have to stay in a Bible school tonight with soem other missionaries (and perhaps for the next few days) to avoid the troubles in the area and not be able to travel until it is safe to do so.

Please pray

1. for peace of the country. The violence can spread and turn the whole country into chaos and unrest.
2. for safety for Chris as she is at the school in Songot, with another missionary family, the Haspels. Pray that the Turkana will not get involve with the violence and troubles like the rest of the country.
3. Safety of all missionaries and mission stations in Kenya.
4. for the situation in the area where I am now will clam down so that I can travel back to Lokichoggio soon.

Thanks for your prayer in this trouble time in Kenya.

Blessings,
Tim

I echo this request: please pray. We're powerless to do anything by ourselves but God comes into power as we call on his name on other people's behalf. The power of prayer can change things around. I would like to lift up a specific prayer request that the Lord will strengthen the sisters at the Missionaries of Charity school even more with his mercy and love- making them an extension of his light to the people in Kibera during this turbulent time. Pray for the orphans, the widows, the jobless, the hungry, the sick, the homeless, the AIDs victims- that God will protect them through of all of this and bring his light into their lives. Pray for the people- everyone. Pray for the protestors, pray for the victims of this violence and their families. Pray for the government not to fall apart- that this will not lead into something worse than it already is.

Keep informed.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7165383.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7165406.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_pictures/7164350.stm

Thanks Evangeline, for the urgent message.


"Prayer is no surrender to the world, but an act of absolute sedition. And while God does not always answer our prayers, he invariably changes our perspective on the world. He shows us a little bit of his upside-down power when we pray.In prayer our vision becomes clear, so that at the moment of greatest injustice our sanity remains solid, while the oppressor, mentally shackled to fleeting power, loses his mind and confuses the here-and-now with the limitless. When we pray, God changes the world, and he usually starts with our hearts and minds. When we pray, even amid stultifying injustice, God demonstrates greater power yet by giving us our right minds."- Paul Grant

that end of a year post

2007 has certainly been a year of change- and more purpose and more direction (amidst this more confusion) focused in one period than ever before.

I will forever remember it as the year I went to Kenya. Everything was directed at going. Spring semester of junior year brought on fundraising and STIM weekends, and a lot of anguished crying out to God. I probably was on crack that semester for everything I was trying to do between those things, taking several major classes, small group leading,working and co-coordinating CNU's Broken Bread meal. And through all of this, I was supposed to be preparing myself for what was ahead of me that summer. I had a nervous tick inside of me, urged by the fear of failing everyone. Anxious, I was always on my toes, and when I had nothing to worry about, I figured out something else to take up my concerns.


Like questions about theology- it became an obsession which I always wanted more time to dwell on. I felt the pulls of reformed theology and started to question them and I felt the pulls of emergent theology and questioned them even more. I guess what it all came down to, and became absolutely clear in Kenya, is that I should not ever cling to a theology (though they're good for helping us understand) but to cling to Jesus.

I gave up my vegetarianism because I knew I had to eat meat in Kenya, and so I started calling myself a "hospitalitarian" (meant I ate meat only out of hospitality).

And I went to Kenya. God provided every cent, plus more, showing me that it was not up to me raise the money. While being there, I felt sin, I felt shame, I felt utter dispair at my wicked motivations but I felt the Lord's presence, beauty, and unrelenting grace speak to me and refine me into the transformed creation I am ever being shaped into by God's radiance.

I let go of a lot of my anger towards people and a lot of my cynical pride. A deep longing to be with my family formed inside me.

I was there for 7 weeks. And then back. I heard re-entry was hard but I didn't have a clue how right everyone was about that. I had this idealist thought that every thing I learned in Kenya would come into immediate application when I crossed the ocean. Boy, was I wrong. And I slipped into depression. Feeling that everything I did here did not matter- I had no purpose in what I was doing and everyone around me was also completely frivolous and seemingly happy. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't feign happiness any more. I couldn't put on a show for people like I used. I was more real and I was stipped down of my pretenses. It honestly became harder to socialize.

Then the perils of being a senior reigned down on me. I felt isolated from the younger kids who seemed to have fun all the time, and isolated from my best friends because we were always so busy. Also, the question kept coming- what am I gonna do with my life after grad? Something I had not seriously put much thought to.

Through the pit bottoms and the weirdness of my fall semester, some really great things happened, and they wouldn't have happened without the lows. Though I was socially awkward in groups of people, I cherished my one on one time with others, forming more intentional relationships with people. For the first time, I got discipled on a regular basis, and it's had a transforming on me. I myself discipled a girl who I love very much. And between the two discipling relationships and seeing a counselor, a lot of the post-kenya depression was lifted off (bwana asifiwe!). I also came to realize a vision for my life after college. Since my fakeness worn off, my relationships I have retained have been more raw, and more real. Though I feel utterly alone sometimes, I've had the best relationships this year I've had in 21 years- and these relationships all pointed back to Christ.

And then there were crushes, and oh man did I crush on people. Two crushes in particular stuck out and provided me with some distraction. Although, one pivotal attraction to a guy this semester led me to consider how ripe I am to be in a relationship and the kind of quality guy I am interested in- lively, energetic and thoughtful. Before, I would be too autonomous, too selfish in my heart to allow someone in, but now my heart is becoming big enough for two. And I have started to consider what a relationship with brings glory to God would look like- that a couple grows closer to God as they grow closer to each other. And no, I have not found such a relationship with any of my crushes from this year and nor do I pursue them now. But the promise of a loving partner is all I really need in that regard. The desire is there, and so I need to prayerfully pursue God in it.

I guess two key words for this year are light and maturity. God has poured his light on the ugly spots of me which are in high demand on his help, leading me to depend on him more than ever before. The size of my cross at the end of this semester became bigger in my eyes than ever. Light has reigned over my depression, to lift me up when I am dragged down to the ground. Also, God has made me more mature in every area of my life. I truly do not see myself as the naive, fun-loving, bubbly, performing Janelle who I came to college as.

At the end of this year, though, I need God's help more than ever. I'm having identity issues (vain matters like new style of clothing mirror deeper heart problems), overwhelming feelings of lonliness (even if I go out every night of the week, I'm having trouble believing I have any real friends), apathy, and the growing desire to get out of Virginia. I spend my days in vanity, not doing much, forgetting that God has me in Manassas right now with purpose and with a reason. I need to spend more time with God and less time watching arrested development or playing oregon trail on facebook. I need to appreciate my family more, because sometimes I really lose patience with them. I need to take joy and be grateful for everything I have- all of my relationships. I want to bask in God's presence and feel him in every bone of my being.

I need to pray in this new year right.

the presence of God

Part 1: What is a Hierophany?

In my primal religions class this past semester, we discuss what the term “hierophany” means. It is the manifestation of the holy. In oral culture, it’s told in Lame Deer's vision quest when animals talk to him, giving him his calling a shaman; it’s Moses communing with God on Mount Sinai, and coming down with a face far too radiant for the Israelites to behold. Exodus 34:29-34

“ When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him. But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them. Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the LORD had given him on Mount Sinai. When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. But whenever he entered the LORD's presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the LORD.”

It’s also the transfiguration when Jesus appears in this same radiance with Elijah and Moses before his three freaked-out disciples (Matthew 17:1-13). When we are saturated with this being, we are no longer present in human reality but in sacred reality, which is true reality. It is interesting that each of these hierophanies mentioned, there is an interaction between persons which triggers it. They are each in communion, being with one another; being relational. Worship is engaged as it is a state of being in communion. People don’t only worship in a church, they can worship with their entire lives, in communion with God. Also, these hierophanies involved sacred places. Lame Deer went off into the wilderness, into a “vision pit.” Jesus took his disciples to a high mountain by themselves- this is reminiscent of Moses proceeding up to Mount Sinai to be with God.

In these nature-bound sacred places, God is sought to be in communion. Another thing about hierophany is that once it’s done- it’s hard to be integrated back into society. This is particularly seen with Moses- who had to wear a veil whenever he came down from Mount Sinai. The Israelites could not accept the radiance of this supernatural occurrence. When people experience a hierophany it’s hard to explain or try to replay for other people- who may as well think you’re crazy. That’s why we normally can not put words to those kind of ecstatic experiences; they happen but it’s only for your eyes to comprehend anything about it.

Part 2: Experiencing Hierophany in striving for God's presence

A.W. Tozer addresses this same concept in The Pursuit of God. He begins chapter 3, “Removing the Veil”, with an epithet by St. Augustine: ‘Thou hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee.’

Until reading this quote followed by Tozer’s interpretation, I never thought restlessness was beneficial. The idea behind this thought is that as human flesh, we are restless for a reason- we are fallen creatures in need of God’s rest. Our restlessness enables us to seek the divine. Tozer follows this stream of thought with a question and answer from the Westminster Shorter Catechism: ‘Question: What is the chief End of Man? Answer: Man’s chief End is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.’

Tozer articulates that God formed us for his pleasure to “see him and live with him and draw life from His smile,’ but due to the Fall (as seen in Genesis 3), we have broken with God and because we ceased to obey him or love him we have a fear and guilt which causes us to flee as far as possible from his presence. God’s work in redemption is to undo the tragic effects of the Fall and bring us back into relationship with himself to glorify him and enjoy life.

This turning opens a conscious communion with God to live again in his Presence. “At the heart of the Christian message,” Tozer says, “is God himself waiting for his redeemed children to push in to conscious awareness of his Presence.” Yet contempory American Christianity only knows this presence in theory and “fails to stress the Christian’s privilege of present realization.”

This is the heart of Tozer’s argument I want to get to- how do we as a literate society experience God’s presence? I have been raised in a Christian home and accepted Christ as a 15 year old and grew to develop a better understanding of my beliefs in college. Yet the presence of God was always something I felt lacking in my life. Tozer says according to biblical teachings, Christians are always in his presence positionally, but still feel the need to experience it in actuality. There are distinct times in my life which I don’t remember clearly, but I remember sitting in rest with my God. They happen sometimes, but God wills that I push into his presence and live my whole life there. I still do not know what this looks like, but this year, I’ve been pushing harder than ever and I see the fruits of it. I know that if I lived in a nature dwelling oral culture, this would be easier. I have a tendency to look things from a completely intellectual, analyzing point of view instead of an ecstatic spiritual point of view- this is the product of being a college student in a literate culture. I tend to even rationally doubt that I could ever experience anything spiritually and at times, I haven’t even tried. I grow content in my positional faith rather than allowing myself to be led into a place of burning zeal. Tozer says “We are satisfied to rest in our JUDICIAL possessions and for the most part we bother ourselves very little about the absence of personal experience.” This reminds of C.S. Lewis’ declaration that we are half-hearted creatures who are far too easily pleased.

People tend to reduce Christianity to one simple thing- is someone “saved” or not saved (puzzlement still remains to non-christians on what being saved is. I hate when people use this term without explanation). Being saved is not just about going to heaven. If it were, how would life itself ever be enjoyable? It’s also about enjoying eternity in the present moment, here on earth, by coming to relationship with God through his salvation he offers as a gift (if confused by what I mean, please ask and read Ephesians 2). Like Tozer, I also find it tragic that not only manifesting God’s presence is absent from the church, but being still and seeking some kind of presence is relatively a thing outside our culture. We are encouraged to live fast-paced, task-oriented lives with little thought to ever finding the rest we need to sit in God's presence, experiencing hierophanies.

The point is, we are not the Israelites who cannot see God's radiance. The veil has been removed, and we can experience much more of God than we allow ourselves to. I struggle with this a lot. My logical sense does not allow me to engage in God, to come confidently to his throne- to be transformed by the radiance of the Lord's glory. But I want it. I want to move forward in that. A couple of weeks ago, I didn't want anything else more, but since getting home for winter break, it's become really hard to quiet myself. With too much free time, I end up wasting it rather stewarding it, to help me break down my walls and truly be transformed by His radiance.

Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3: 12-18

the vision pit

I have a lot to be thankful for.

God is faithful. All the time; God is faithful.

It's so weird how God puts a task in front of you, and all you do is obey it, and he gives you something big.

This is what's happening to me.

Or I think it is. Maybe I'm being dramatic? But the thing is, my mind has clarity. It makes sense. The pieces of the puzzle are finally beginning to go together.

The question I've been trying to answer: What the heck is God calling me to do in my life??

I'm still not sure exactly what it is. But He has cast a vision- and that's exactly what I asked for.

OK, to clarify some things. I decided on Monday night after going to Primal Religions (which I was sooo close to skipping to do other homework) to go on a fast from Tuesday afternoon to today before Thanksgiving meal. Dr. Redick was talking about Native Americans going on vision quests in the wilderness and fasting during that time. And I thought- hmmm, I really need a vision quest. And I dunno what else, but I really felt spiritually compelled to fast. I haven't done it too much before. I never really quite got the concept of fasting.

And as I was fasting, I still didn't really "get it." I mean, I kept getting distracted from prayer. And after the fast was over I was like, "Welp. That's it. Time for some wine." Nothing too spiritually dramatic happened.

And then I watched 'Evan Almighty' this evening. It was stupid and cheesy, but it spoke to me. A lot. Basically, God kept calling Evan, a newly elected congressman to build an ark. This man had prayed that God will help him change the world, and uhhh, his prayer was answered. Even though God called him, Evan ignored him. But this did not change the sovereignty of God. Things spiraled out of Evan's control until he could do nothing else but build the ark!

Like Evan, God has been chasing me down lately, and I have been nonrespondant to his call. His call has been there all along but I felt waaaaay too inadequate to follow the call. But since Kenya, God has brought me on a journey of experiencing his love and faithfulness in a way I never had before. And the works he has called me to will flow out of my new, refreshened love for him.

The vision:
Seek justice. Encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless and plead the case of widow (Isaiah 1:17)

Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothed you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.- Jesus (Matthew 25:34-40)


Basically, I just want to be with God's people who are suffering. Who are in poverty. I want to learn to love them. I want to be friends with them. I don't want to just do things for them through programs, like shove money in their direction. I want to get to know them.

I am totally undeserving of this. Especially after seeing poverty in Kenya with my own eyes and feeling completely hopeless to build relationships with these people, I don't know how I can possibly do it. But God has been holding my hand and is taking me a long way. And I know I can do anything, ANYTHING through Christ who gives me strength. When I was in Kenya, I found it hard to love the poor. But God gave me a small seed of love for his people- a mustard seed. And you know what they say about mustard seeds- they grow into the largest of trees.

So, now what? There's still a lot of different things this could lead me to. I'm beginning to pray that God will show how to be with the poor. What job could I take, where should I live, how should I live? It's all up to him.

I'm frightened. But humbled. But I know that the God of comfort is always with me. And like Joshua, he is telling me:

Be strong and courageous, for I am with you always.

because I bet my roommate reads this blog



This is a pretty terrific cartoon, which helps explain my complex feelings about only buying organic/free-range foods, and my outrage at extremist groups like PETA who try to shut down meat buisnesses (I saw a movie they made themselves which showed them protesting outside of KFC). While I hate animal cruelty, it's also unfair to put people in lower economic classes out of a job. It's funny that the people involved in these animal rights groups are usually not working class folk. Well, just a thought. I don't like the meat industry but it's good to see that there's always two sides and more complexity to an issue than people make.

Thanks, Lindsey for sending me the cartoon.
It can be found at http://www.theonion.com/content/cartoon/oct-29-2007

a spiritual being

Or more often I feel like a dead being. My friend Laura and I were talking about the importance of time spent with God on Tuesday, and I realized that quite too often I'm in a state of blah. I don't necessarily feel bad about anything but I just feel apathetic or overly anxious for no apparent reason. I tell people, "nah I'm good, just out of it."

One friend asked me, "well, what do you mean by that?'

I didn't have an answer for her. I couldn't tell her why I was "out of it". Why I had felt anxious or apathetic all weekend. I didn't know. I blamed it on being around too many people ( I can tend to be introverted, so I get drained from being around people constantly) But it was apparent to me, that is was more than just meyers-briggs.


And then I thought to myself as I was hearing Laura talk about her quiet times, "when was the last time I spent with God? Just me and him?"

(Besides listening to a sermon alone in my house on Friday night), it was over a week ago. I had an entire week where there was no time devoted to personal prayer or scripture.

I had been insanely busy. I had CNU TONiGHT rehearsals and papers to turn in. I had obligations to people. (But the time not being busy, I spent in total idleness, typically on facebook).

All this time was lost. And I walked to lunch today wondering where it went. Wondering if I had spent this semester in a fatal, soul-killing routine. Sure, I would get out and go on bike rides and have refreshing times at the Lion's Bridge. But my normal, everyday routine- was just too routine and was getting the better half of me.

I want a new routine. I'm tired of this dead one. I need renewal like mad right now. I don't feel like a spiritual being at all. I need to be shaken to wake up. If someone would like to rattle me around, I wouldn't mind.

I want to desire time spent with the Lord. Please pray with me that I will get this time.

But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesusfrom the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. So if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:10-17

Do you ever see the missing pieces of life fitting together like a puzzle?

Or you experience something and you wonder "What was that about?"

It's been that kind of week.

Amidst all the busyness, some crazy (or more subtley important) things are happening.

And it reminds me that God has a plan.

And I am walking in the palm of his hand.


"God, what does this all mean?" I keep asking. (When I do ask, lately I've so caught in my busy life, I give myself so little time to stop and reflect).

Everything works together. Just one slight re-adjustment of my routine changes the outcome of a day (is this predestination or free will, I won't get into. But I know what I believe).

Forrest Gump surprisingly sums it up pretty well:
"I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."

I believe in calling, destiny, predestination, whatever you call it. But it is intermingled with the choices we make out of free will (but if God is sovereign how much is that up to us? I don't know.)


Meanwhile, I just rest in knowing that I am just a mere vessel in a greater plan for humankind.

I have not resonated with an article (in a long time) as much as I just had with this one, a few moments ago:

http://www.intervarsity.org/slj/article/4143

I never heard the term grace-earner before I read this. But that sums me up a little too quickly. Plagued by guilt, I try to lean on works to live a more holy lifestyle (this was just reflected on in my previous blog post).

Yet, God does not require just obligatory works.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2: 7-10

Too often, people cut one part of this out. They either snip away grace or works. But it's BOTH. We need both. But works flows out of knowing God and having passively recieved his gift of grace. We are God's workmanship!! We are the work of God, we're not bringing forth the work of God by ourselves. I sometimes feel guilty because I have not been very works-oriented lately. HOWEVER, I can take rest that God has already prepared something for me to do. He's walking ahead and will come back grip the palm of my hand to take me there!

Calling and Holy Discontent

This topic has become all too redundant.

I wish someone could just point to what I'm supposed to go do after I graduate.

There are so many options out there. But there are too many. Searches become tired and futile.

I want it to find me. I don't want to worry my head off about finding it.

I want to do ministry. Well, there are many, many ministry oppurtunities out there. So many. My problem is not even being able to find them. I cannot discern what I should do.

The problem is:
I no longer know exactly what my "holy discontent" is.

Holy discontent is a problem you hate living with. You are passionate about seeing it changed. You will not stand for it to be left neglected. You cannot passively interact with it. It's your passion. It's your purpose, what Christ has called you to do in his Church.

Holy discontent is not static, it can be changing.

I'm discontented by a whole lot of things. I have little passions spread out everywhere, but no BIG passion. I want that passion though. I need it.
I wish someone would tell me what it is.

My holy discontent has been ever changing. Last year it was social injustice and poverty, and even though I am still outraged by the two, my personal passion has wavered. Why? My motivations for this discontent. I was motivated by the guilt of being a middle-class white person who is among the richest in the world. I felt a revolting guilt that sickened me when I thought about how much I had. But then I went to Kenya, and at the Missionaries of Charity, God showed me that I wasn't there out of love. I was there out of guilt.

So this is my current-shaping-subject- to- interpret- later-highly ambiguous holy discontent:
I don't want to perform works for the wrong reason. I want to love people. I want to listen to them. And actually be there with them. Walk alongside people.

But first I have to love God and love myself. And that's what I'm working on. And it seems selfish. I don't want to be so me-focused that I ignore other peoples' spiritual needs, but I want to fill up on God so his love can pour out on others.

I would love to be impassioned about social injustice again and really strive to make a difference in someone's life. And really make true and honest cross-cultural relationships. But I don't want to do it for my own glory. I don't want a passion for social justice to project self-righteousness on everyone else.

I alienated a lot of people last year. My family. Some friends. People who are not my friends. Because I was legalistic, self-righteous and angered.

But no, right now I need to love. And that is my holy discontent. And as to my calling, how does this become concrete? There are many, many ways to love. I don't know how God will use me. I don't know how he is calling me to love people. There are so many different things I can do.

And even though I want to go to seminary, that doesn't seem like the complete answer.
I don't know what the complete answer is, and I guess I need to rest in not knowing.

Tony, one of my Kenya GP buddies recently sent me an encouraging facebook message:

"i read your last email about trying to figure out life after undergrad...well, i got news for you - it doesn't get any easier after you graduate from college. so, the process is really the most important thing - how you go about asking the Lord for direction and guidance. my professor in chapel just shared his thoughts on this the other day - some things I remember him saying were - hold to God's sovereignty - and remember that God is more interested in you finding your calling than even you are - all to the praise of His glory."

I needed to hear that. Thanks, man.The good thing is that we're always becoming. This problem I have now I will still have in 20 years. How is this good? Because I will always need to lean completely on God for my direction and my purpose. Jesus commands my destiny. Bwana Asifiwe.

Idea Time!!

For fiction writing, I decided to do a re-telling of the story of Hosea and Gomer. quick, inadequate overview: God commanded Hosea to marry a prostitute and have children of her, and when she would run off with other lovers to not divorce her, but to lure her back to himself. This reflected God's relationship with Israel. She ran off, many many times.

some thoughts

It'd likely be from Gomer's POV. I want to go into her history and he thoughts and motivations for going after other lovers.

I want it to be told from a modern day perspective. So therefore, some details will need to change.

Gomer's fear of intimacy and her journey from fear and lonliness to genuine belonging and being loved.

Anyone who is familiar with the book of Hosea have any thoughts?

Last night at InterVarsity large group, during worship, I was led to this verse:

Arise, shine, for your light has come
and the glory of the LORD has risen upon you.
For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the LORD will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
And nations shall come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your rising.
- Isaiah 60:1-3 (esv)

As I read this, tears swelled up in my eyes. I've been struggling seriously with depression and anxiety lately. This has actually gone on for a long time, but it was put under closer magnification since I've gotten back to Kenya. Darkness had shrouded over my life and everything seemed at a total loss. I experienced a genuine lifting of this darkness a few weeks ago, but that doesn't mean it doesn't creep back up on me when I'm least likely to notice. But there is a present glory. It causes me to stand up and rise. Even though at one instant, my flesh rebels against this glory, the next it fills my heart, overflowing that I cannot help but pour it out on others. The LORD does lead us into times of struggle, even times of great depression (as the speaker at IV noted last night), but he also leads us out. These times in the desert make us more vulnerable, more in need of his glory to shine down on us. Think about the desert and how isolated it is. How open it is. How desolate yet how intimate when you come in from a place of deep faith.

I don't often notice other people. I don't often pray for the community even though I have a burning desire to be part of genuine community. Yet this verse led me to pray for everyone in the room. Everyone hurts so much. Everyone is experiencing some kind of despair in their life at one time or another. Yet, we bottle up and don't let it out. We hide it from others for several reasons. I do it because I feel like a downer or a burden to other people when I talk. Yet, that's not what we should do. It only represses the pain until it gets bigger and overpowering. We need to talk to each other. We need to be intentional. We need to be open. We need to encourage one another. And help each other shine. The Lord does it, but he often uses us as his vessels.

I always write in here when I have something due hanging over my head. Right now, I should be writing (revising) some fantastic fiction scenes, but I'm more than just a little tired.

I want to address a very weak part of my spirituality:

Being.

Resting in God's arms.


When people talk about cuddling up with Jesus, I kinda want to barf. I'm not very affectionate by nature and this is probably why. However, lately I've been experiencing God more than cognitively.


He is wooing me.

Yes!!

I feel like God is taking me where I am and breathing some lifeforce back into my being. He's bringing me to a place where I don't just desire to study him I desire to be with him.

But, I still fall into the same routine sometimes.

I researched post-grad options for almost 3 hours Tuesday night. It was completely fruitless, though it did confirm some things I will not be doing after I graduate. God kept on nudging me. I could feel it. He was telling me not to worry. Everything will be alright. I have plans for you.

And then randomly a song came to my head. And I wandered around my house singing it:

Ho-ho-ho-ly
Ho-ho-ho-ly
is the Lord God Almighty

Ho-ho-ho-ly
Ho-ho-ho-ly
is the Lord God Almighty


Heaven and Earth are filled with his praises
Heaven and Earth are filled with his love
Heaven and Earth are filled with his praises
Holy is the Lord God Almighty

Holy is the Lord, God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come!...

I kept singing that. Repeating those words. Not cognitively knowing why I was singing. Just singing. Being led in the Spirit. Reflecting on the words without trying to go into some big definitions of what Holiness is.

Being still and knowing he is God. And that he is with me.

People act like holiness is a thing that should shame us. Because God is so mighty and we are nothing. And while that's true in some sense, it's not complete. God's holiness is good news to us and it leads us into peace, rather than fear. Unless we make it bad news.

I have cringed from his Holiness even though I know the Good News in my head. It's something that needs to be affirmed in our hearts, enlightening us there.

Some of you may be confused when reading this. Maybe wondering what I'm talking about.

The Good News in a far too brief summary:
God was in existence, in relationship with himself, being three in one- Father, Son, Spirit.
God created us in his image, to be in relationship with Him. We turned our backs on Him and did what is evil in his eyes. Since God's perfection cannot be contradicted, he could no longer be in relationship with us. The Father sent his Son to live here on earth, and he died as payment for our sins. Because of this we can have relationship with God, through knowing Jesus Christ. We follow him or we don't and when we decide to follow Jesus, we die to ourselves- to our ambitions, our goals. We give everything we are up to him. He gives us a new Identity. We are brought back to life with him. We have eternal life and we can experience eternity with Him, now! At this very moment.

And as crazy and absurd as that sounds, it's the best news I have ever known.

Plans

A typical conversation with someone I have not seen in awhile:

-- Wow, you're graduating this year! Remind me what your major is?
--English.
-- Oh good! You're gonna be a teacher!
-- I don't know. I'm not going for my teaching degree.
-- Journalism?
-- No. Creative Writing.
-- Oh! Good for you! Way to do something you love!
-- (nods)
--What are you gonna do when you graduate?
--I have no idea.
-- You still have time! It's OK!


I walk away and hang my head down for awhile. Sometimes in these conversations, I expose my secret- I want to do ministry. But that doesn't mean I know what ministry and I do not know how long after graduation I'll start pursuing it. My parents have imprinted the idea in me that I need to get a "real world" job after I graduate to at least establish a living before I go into the depths of pastoral poverty.

Different options I'm considering after graduation:

-go to seminary (although I have to pay for it myself and I've been told that it's good to do ministry a couple years before).
- get a teaching certificate and try to sub at schools (maybe go for one of those teach abroad programs)
-get an entry-level editor job(yipee.)
-join the PeaceCorps
-pursue a writing career (chuckles)
-jump right into missions work and the insanity that is fundraising (maybe Africa Inland Missions, IV staff, IV link, etc)
-not find any work or oppurtunities and end up working at a bookstore or other place of retail or restaurant in Manassas hell until something comes my way

I really need to be in prayer. I really need to trust completely in God. Depend on Him.

That sounds nice and flowery, but it's hard. That is vulnerably placing myself, not in my will, but in the will of someone else. It is releasing control of my life.

Romans 12:1-2 has long been one of my favorite scriptures, but only recently has it come into new light.

Therfore, I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer up your bodies as living sacrifices- holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Dependence on God's will= giving yourself up as a living sacrifice.

That doesn't sound too pretty, does it? It means enduring the pain and frustration that comes. It means humbling yourself and putting others first.

Giving up our lives and our plans to God is worship.

I never thought of that. But it is. It's glorifying God.

Worship is not just singing praise to God. It's being a living sacrifice.
It doesn't conform to what the world says.

The world tells me to succeed and make lots of money.
The world tells me I should do things for the good of myself before the good of the people ( And very little for God). They say it's nice that I'm a do-gooder. Good for you!
The world tells me I should always have a plan set ahead of me, and follow that plan.
The world tells me that I have control of my life, and that I have the oppurtunity to invent myself and who I want to be.
The world tells me that my work is who I am.


But that's not what I believe in, praise the Lord. By God's good grace, he's shown me that I do not want the things of the world. He has given me identity in Him.

Rather than conforming to the world's standards, my mind continually needs to be renewed. But it's not an easy process. Being a Christian is not easy. When God transforms us, he refines us, like fire to silver. It hurts.

But there's a promise- in my spiritual act of worship God will show me his will for my life. I might have to test and question different choices and get them approved. It's not always a burning bush, or a neon arrow sign(like I long for). Sometimes it's making a hypothesis and testing it out. But by submitting myself over to God, I can trust him to carry out the procedure and bring me to what conclusion he would have me be at.

Everyone and their aunt quotes Jeremiah 29:11, for hope in God's plans (the carriers of the prosperity gospel spill it out in almost every one of their sermons.) But we don't often read the context around it. First of all, Jeremiah is one of the most depressing books of the Bible. Jeremiah is sent out by God as a "doomsday" prophet. Believe me, he wasn't very popular. He was a pretty lonely guy, all he had was God and his scribe. He had some pretty scary revelations about the fate of the Hebrew people in his time. And in all of that, it is written:

"This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."
-Jeremiah 29:10-14

Thank God we are taken out of captivity by faith in Jesus Christ! Bwana asifiwe! But it's no doubt that we struggle through this, and in our fleshly bodies, still long to be released from our chains. I can take hope that Jeremiah did actually believe this when he wrote it down. I try to picture his reaction when God revealed this to him. "Uhhh...Are you sure God? Really??"

But he gives us a promise that Jeremiah, "the weeping prophet," put full trust in. And it's happening. All we have to do is open our eyes.

Good Vibrations and Christ-inspired Creativity

Tonight, I am going to a HearHope benefit that is being held in response to the genocide in Darfur, to raise awareness and funds.

I am very excited about all the musicians who will be there. But I gotta be honest; I am kind of partial to Josh Garrels. He's performed at my school a few times and I have been there for each show. His lyrics are profound and prophetic and his beats get you hoppin, or in the state of ultimate chill out mode. I like to listen to him when I'm bike riding, doing chores, or smoking my new Kenyan pipe.

On his website, he wrote something that very much moves me as a Christian who embraces the arts and change in the world. And I thought I'd share it with whoever is reading:

About an month ago, my wife and I rented a documentary that we'de been hoping to see for quite some time. We closed the blinds on a Saturday afternnoon and sat down to watch "Favela Rising". The film documents the transformation of one of the most violent slums in Rio de Janeiro, through the use of music and art. Amidst murder, drug wars, and corrupt politics, a group rises up within the war torn ghetto, and they begin to fight for the restoration of their families and neighborhood using the non-vioent weaponry of rhythm, dance, and prophetic poetry. Eventually this fire sparks a movement that in turn affects other neighborhoods, cities, slowly rippling out to the world. Whenever I find examples of the arts being used as a tool of restoration, social justice, prophecy, and liberation, something resounds deep in my spirit. In a culture where the arts are largely used for entertainment or to fuel an arrogant pride in ones aesthetic sophistication, there's something refreshing and hopeful about the possibility of art being used to bring true change. What if there is a dimension to creativity that is powerful beyond our assumptions? We forget, or refuse to believe, in stories such as that of King Jehoshaphat, who sent musicians out in front of his army in the day of battle praising God with with drums and with their voices. When they came upon their enemy (who were much more numerous than they were), the wicked men had already slayed themselves in a spirit of confusion (2nd Chronicles 20). I believe that this generation is hungry for meaning, and is attracted to an authentic process as the basis for judging the final product. As this relates to the arts, I believe more and more people are growing tired of expensive media fluff, and are realizing that the satisfaction it brings is short lived, tiring, and ultimately unhealthy (kind of like fast food). We want fresh food, with no hormones, pesticides, or preservatives! Back to the source. We want art that comes from the deep, natural part of humanity, which will in turn nourish the souls of mankind, making men strong, vibrant, and able to step up into their God given identity. As I step towards a lifestyle of making music full time, I do not presume to lay hold of this vision, or power of creativity all at once. In many ways I feel like I'm slowly making my way through the maze of this matrix, leaving flags posted here and their to remind me of where I've been. Becasue this particular pattern is all we've known, stepping out of the pattern and into a new one, is a long process in an of itself. I've had to recognize how often I have no idea what the next step is, I'm tempted to turn back, but just then the next step will be revealed by some divine, timely revelation. And I move forward with what I've been shown. And this applies to much more than the creative process....

Seeking the Lord

I really don't study scripture too much. Lately, I've been discontent with how I've been flying through scripture. I don't take too much time to stop and reflect on it. Isaiah 55 is one of those passages which I love, but I always speed through it. There's so much there. As a response, I started to study it today.

The verse that struck a cord in me to dive further in:

Seek the Lord while he may be found,
call on him while he is near.
(Isaiah 55:6)

It seems to be very simple. But lately, I've been thinking more about seeking the Lord in everything I do. And I realized that I don't really know what it means. So I did something so simple, anyone with literacy can do it: I looked up the cross references. WOW! go me! I mean, no not really, but the beginnings of list that resulted from it, I do want to look back on it, and go further into depth. But right now, all I have is a list.

seeking the Lord: what does it mean?

-obey his commands (Isaiah 55:2-3) what does he command of us? Love God, Love people. (Matthew 22:37-39)
- Call upon him. Come and pray to him, with expectation that he will listen(Jer 29:12-14). This means we come boldly before him with our prayers and petition, putting our complete trust in him. (Ephesians 3:11-12)
-Tremble before him, remembering that he gives and takes our blessings away (Hos 3:5).
-seek no one else. cast down our idols (amos 5:4-5).
- Hate evil. Love Good. Maintain justice (Amos 5:14-15).
- Do not forsake his name (2 Chronicles 15:2).
-Find refuge in him as your Protector (Psalms 18:2, 32:6-7, 34 and possibly half of the Psalms)
-Reach out for Him. Live and move and have your being in your identity as his offspring (Acts 17:27-28)
- Do not recieve God's grace in vain. Find your salvation in him because now is the time. (2 Cor 6:12)
- Boast gladly in your weakness for His grace is sufficient for you (2 Cor 12:9). Know thay his ways and thoughts are better than your own (Isaiah 55:8-9).

There's so much more to be added. Leave a comment for any addendums to the list!
-

The Long Fight

On the phone with my brother, Mark, the other day, I talked about how hard it was to adjust to home. He pointed out to me that I wasn't home. I was in la la land- a transition period from being in Kenya to being back in Newport News for school. I am only here at my Manassas "home" with my family just a few weeks.

I felt what he said was true, on a much larger scale than he meant. This life in itself is la la land. It's just a transition period between birth and eternal life with Jesus up in heaven. Then, I will be home.

I suffer a long road in discontentment until then. I shuffle around my house, wandering around, looking for the things I feel like doing. When I feel like it, I go to Jesus. When I feel like it, I listen to music. It's a whatever thing.

I'm positive that this is dangerous. Feelings are not legit.

We live in a time where we're controlled by our inclinations (could this be indulging our sinful nature?). We are an emotionally-driven people. That's what gets us into so much trouble. That's why we grow quickly infatuated with people, get married, and after years of our "feelings" not being satisfied, we get divorced. Because we lost that loving feeling.

We are all about feelings. Feelings of love and of hate. Could these feelings be deceptive?

Absolutely.

This past year, I've had trouble engaging in corporate worship. I'd go to InterVarsity large group, and because I didn't feel like worshipping, I felt that my actions toward the Lord wouldn't be sincere and I'd be a hypocrite just for being there, singing.

But Eugene Peterson disagrees and in his book, A Long Obedience In the Same Direction, he addresses this:

God made us, redeems us, provides for us. The natural, honest, healthy, logical response to that is to praise God. When we praise we are functioning at the center, we are in touch with the basic, core reality of our being.
But very often we don't feel like it, and so we say, "It would be dishonest for me to go to a place of worship and praise God when I don't feel like it. I would be a hypocrite." The psalm (Psalm 122) says, "I don't care if you feel like it: as was decreed, "give thanks to the name of God."
I have put great emphasis on the fact that Christians worship because they want to, not because they are forced to. But I have never said that we worship because we feel like it. Feelings are great liars. If Christians worshiped only when they felt like it, there would be precious little worship. Feelings are important in many areas but completely unreliable in matters of faith. Paul Scherer is laconic: "The Bible wastes very little time on the way we feel."

When I read this, I wanted to throw my book across the room, not because I was offended, but because it hit a nerve. Everything that I had thought about having sincere feelings for the Lord was suddenly challenged. Worship is not a feeling, as Peterson remarks, it is first an act that develops feelings for God.

In the shell of my house, as I'm lazily toiling through my day (oxymoron?), I need to act on my faith. God's grace is sufficient to save. But we are saved by grace through faith. I often don't feel like doing anything. So, I need to fight for it. I hate the things I do, but it Christ who does work within us. Bwana Asifiwe!

We may easily lose control and let our feelings take us captive. My anger siezes me, and keeps me in a place where the devil can have a foothold. But the Lord is our portion and he is mighty to save. He is so much bigger than our feelings of anger- asante sana Yesu!

When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant.
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you.
You hold me with your right hand.
You guide me with your counsel
and afterward, you will take me
into your glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire beside you.
My flesh and heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart,
and my portion, forever.
(Psalm 73)

Finding my identity in Christ

Apparently, I'm unique. People always like to tell me this. I have an oddball personality, I wear outrageously bright colors in line with Claudia from the Babysitters Club, I have a distinct outlook on life where I always have to scrape beyond the surface of things, I do slightly outlandish things sometimes, like run into the Indian Ocean, fully clothed, when we need to pack to leave the next day. A few people have told me that I am the most unique girl they ever met. And quite frankly, this scares me.

When I honestly look at my uniqueness, I wonder if it's God-made or self-made. Because, really, I take a lot of pride in being different. I wear weird outfits on purpose. I listen to obscure music and watch obscure movies. I read up on the latest trends before they become wide-known. What it's turned me into is a pretentious hipster. The thing that hits me most is that I read books on hip theology more than I read the Word of God. I listen to music more than I spend time in silence, reflecting and hearing for God's voice. I blog more than I honestly record my thoughts in a private journal, just between me and God. My thoughts tend to be more stream-of-conscience then prayerful. I spend more time in front of a tv set, watching some old artsy movie than I do just simply drinking tea with my friends and REALLY listening to what's going on in their lives.

So, what do I find my identity in, my so-called uniqueness or as a daughter of Christ? I discovered in Kenya that it was in my difference. In this foreign culture, where I didn't have movies, or my music, where I limited myself to 3 shirts and no jewerly, where time was spent more relationally than induced in tasks, I began to see myself as I really was. The sin in my life bubbled up to the surface. Being a hipster made no difference in this context; I had to find who I really, truly was, in Christ.

And the truth is, I'm still looking. Kenya didn't fix me, it just gave me some pointers. When I tell people about myself, I usually tell them my preferences in music and movies or what I like to do, like cook or read or write. But I don't really know this person deep inside of me. I don't know what it is to truly love people. I don't even know what my love language is. I want to listen to people, but I cannot turn myself off sometimes when I talk to them. When people on the trip affirmed me, they told me how brutally honest I am and how transparent I am about my struggles. Those are good things, but how can I tap into who God created me to be? Who is the woman I am supposed to become? I want to do ministry, but how can I get to know peoples' needs when I don't know myself.

Back here, in America, I am tempted to once again become pretentious hipster, Janelle. But this not who I am in Christ. I need to carry out the work God began in Africa. But I need Him to carry it out to completion. This means, driving out my American distractions- movies, books, music, computer. It's not like I need to completely avoid them, but I need to be careful. I need to press forward to the goal of knowing Christ. I want to know him more. I want to be seeking his face and not my own accomplishments, not my own uniqueness. In knowing him, I will find my true identity.

I believe that God made me unique. It's been evident since I was a little girl. But Satan has taken this gift and has been using it for my own human pride. Ok, so I'm unique,.I write well and I'm passionate about it. I know a lot about the Christian faith and scripture. I am a fairly intelligent person despite being flighty. I am honest about everything. I have been a good child, always obeying the rules. Never diverting too far from my Christian upbringing (even though I became a liberal, which isn't Christian to my parents).

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

And here is my prayer:

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

(Philippians 3:7-11)


So, I will no longer put confidence in my flesh. In being unique. In being hip. In being smart.I do not want anything to differentiate me from the body of Christ. And the only thing I want that sets me apart from humankind is being found in Christ. I may be unique, but I'm not any more special than anyone else. And we have all been uniquely made and lovingly created.

You hem me in- behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths
you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there, your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you
the night will shine like the day
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful.
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the
depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there's any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

(Psalm 139:6-16, 23-24)

Choices

I'm home. It feels a little strange being here, like everything here is new to me again. Just so many simple things are different. I can pull food out of the refigerator whenever I want, and make as much coffee as I want. I have high-speed internet, so I can be on as much as I want. I have over 500 channels on Direct TV to watch, and will probably watch my first movie in America in awhile. I can play music in my room whenever I want. Non worship and praise music. Not like I don't adore it but I haven't listened to secular music in 2 months (save the overhead music blaring on the matatus and the cheesy music at a hotel, and the music I could listen to on the airplane). I can smoke my new pipe. I can drink some wine if I'd like. I'm in the "land of the free." I can do whatever I want with regard to no one else. If I want to keep consuming meat like I did in Kenya from people's hospitality, I can do so. But I'm also free to be independent and choosy about what I eat.

In America, we have so many choices. We can do whatever we want. No wonder we're so apathetic. No wonder we're so selfish.

I'm supposed to use these next few days to rest. What does it mean to rest in a land filled with distractions? My host, Mama Susan uses every Sunday to rest in honoring the Sabbath. I asked her what she "did" when she rests. She looked at me, a little stunned. "I don't do anything." I look at her puzzled as well as she was. "Nothing? You don't read, or knit, or watch TV?"
She said simply that all that isn't rest. When she rests, she really doesn't do ANYTHING. She doesn'r even THINK about anything. She just sits and is still. It's in these times she enters the prescense of God.

I don't how to rest. It's hard for me just to turn my mind off. I have to always be doing something. If I'm reclined I need a movie, or the computer, or food. I need to be consumed in something. And I just can't turn my mind off. It's why I have trouble falling asleep at night. I'm always thinking about something.

I am thrown back into a land of many choices. With those choices, I can choose rest, or I can choose writing this blog on my laptop while listening to Denison Witmer. Typically, I don't choose rest. I choose noise. Everything is noise. This laptop, my music, movies, books. Everything I do to amuse myself. We're so focused on entertainment in this country. This became more evident to me as I lived in Kenya without movies, without books (until i bought some there), without "my" music. I lived with all these things that I thought keep me functioning. But the truth is, I functioned so much better without all of that noise. On my assignment, I had absolutely nothing to do at times. It was these times that I went into the prescense of God. Where I learned the value of silence. When I saw scripture open up in ways I could never imagine. And I could learn how to let God cradle me in his arms.

Now I'm home. I feel at a loss of this valued silence. But the truth is that I do have choice. I can turn everything off. I can turn off all the lights. I can live without the glimmer of the movie screen. I can live without my music. It's not like these things are evil. But they can become idols if I indulge in them more than I indulge in God. And I do. And I definitely did before I went to Kenya.

But now I have these days to rest and I should not take them for granted. It is now that I learn the secret to be content whether in abundance or in want. I don't need to be in Kenya to rest in God's arms.

I want to live. Not be a mindless indulgent zombie.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I can pray. Listen. Cry out. Be Still. Meditate on Scripture. Dance in the storm. Keep my family company. Comfort the mourning. Rest. Be.

It's time to learn.