i am praying for discernment.

these are difficult times.

i don't want to see anyone led astray.

Humanity's Sacred Union with the Earth

I finished my senior seminar paper this week (finished is a relative term, because while I completed it to turn in, it does not seem nearly finished).


I know many of you were interested in reading it. My paper is about the connections between sustainable farming and faith, which is rooted in the bond we should have with nature, being good caretakers of creation. This paper takes the attempt to live a Christian life in wholeness, in shalom, seriously. Wholeness in the gospel covers a lot of terf and one area is loving creation, while not setting it over God. If what I say interests you, puzzles you or captivates you, I urge you to read this essay.

Humanity's Sacred Union with the Earth: Broken, but Redeemed by Good Soil

the victory is ... ?

A lot of positive things have happened, all within a week.

I got an internship, I got a car, I won a short story award, I am passing all my classes to graduate, I've shared nostalgic memories with old friends, I've passed on wisdom to younger friends who strangely look up to me, I figured out the direction I need to head in next fall, I've gone for good walks, indulged in hot krispy kremes and have let life be fun.

Where is my victory? In none of this. Through everything, I've remained mildly depressed. I am so crooked deep down, it's hard to be grateful for all the good things, which are good.

I'm going to start reading Desiring God by John Piper today. I need to know about the happiness of God.

Though, God is showing me his goodness. I've doubted him so much this semester. I doubted his goodness. I looked to a bleak ending to my college life. I didn't think anything would work out.

It's time to embrace happiness. It's time to conquer my sins, through Christ's power alone. It's time to overcome. It's time to proclaim victory.

It's time to heal.

I love to sing this really loud in an empty house

FROM THE DEPTHS OF WOE (Psalm 130)
From the depths of woe I raise to Thee a voice of lamentation
Lord turn a gracious ear to me and hear my supplication
If thou iniquity dost mark, our secret sins and misdeeds dark
O who shall stand before thee? (Who shall stand before thee?)
To wash away the crimson stain grace, grace alone availeth
Our works alas are all in vain, in much the best life faileth
No man can glory in Thy sight, all must alike confess Thy might
And live alone by mercy (Live alone by mercy).
Therefore my trust is in the Lord and not in mine own merit
On Him my soul shall rest, His Word upholds my fainting spirit
His promised mercy is my fort, my comfort and my sweet support
I wait for it with patience (Wait for it with patience).
What though I wait the live-long night and till the dawn appeareth
My heart still trusteth in His might, it doubteth not nor feareth
Do thus, O ye of Israel’s seed, ye of the Spirit born indeed
And wait till God appeareth (Wait till God appeareth).
Though great our sins and sore our woes
His grace much more aboundeth
His helping love no limit knows, our utmost need it soundeth
Our shepherd good and true is He, who will at last His Israel free
From all their sin and sorrow (All their sin and sorrow)
Text: Martin Luther, 1523

healing time

I hate how emotions and anxieties from my past are reverberating now as I'm graduating. I don't understand it. But it's there. I cry whenever I hear Rosie Thomas sing "pretty dress" or Eisley sing "telescope eyes," because it feels so real to me, today.

I'm not typically a crier, but this semester I've been a river. especially this week. I cried so much during my last large group, but probably for different reasons than people thought.

I'm in such need of healing, but most of the time, I become apathetic rather than struggle with it, head on. I hide behind books, music,my laptop screen, superficial conversation, and intellectual debates.

why the evolution debate is irrelevant to christian faith

Yes, I said it. It's irrelevant.

The book of Genesis, what a great book. I find so many truths when I read it. When I read about the importance of Creation. When I see how humans were once in harmony with god and creation and then was deceived. When I see the trueness of human nature and how man and woman were made, equal yet in different roles.

I see a lot of truth in Genesis.

I don't see any science. The book of Genesis does not support creationism or evolution. We cannot tell from an oral, metaphorical account how exactly God made the earth and the heavens. All we know is that he made it. That does not necessarily go against evolution. God could have set evolution into motion. How can we even possibly perceive what one day is to God? Our concept of time is not God's concept of time.

I read this quote from the Bible Institute and I totally disagree-

"This is similar to what happened with the issue of evolution. Before Charles Darwin and Charles Lyell, no one ever thought that the Bible taught any evolutionary origins of life. After Evolution became accepted by many in society, religious people tried to bend and twist the Bible to fit evolution rather than allow the Bible to mean what it says. Result - the acceptance of the day-age theory, which is an effort to force Genesis to match the beliefs of the world."

No, the Bible does not teach evolutionary origins, but neither does it teach "creationist science." I believe that many people in the past have created big, deep heresy by trying to make up biblical facts about creationism. Making up speculations about how old the earth is according to the Bible, when the Bible does not concern that.

I am not saying that the Bible is removed from the material world. Agricultural science could be interpreted in many of Jesus' parables, and it is important to note that Paul in his ministry engaged culture instead of alienating it. When he spoke on Mars Hill in Acts 17, he acknowledged the Greeks' statue to an unknown God, claiming he knew who that God was. He engaged their philosophy, rather than becoming completely irrelevant.

Creationism is completely irrelevant to our culture. Why can't we embrace the tenants of what science is, rather than trying to create a "science" which is not respected by most scientists. Faith is not a science, we can't engage it as one. People move creationism should be taught in schools, and that is absurd. I might buy the argument for intelligent design, but I am not even positive if that should be taught as a science or a philosophy.

I think that there is nothing wrong with Christians accepting evolutionary theory. Personally, I do not know, scientifically, how we got here. But who was there at the beginning of creation to know? I am not satisfied with any explanation, but I do accept that everything in creation was made and we were created in God's image. I believe Genesis is truth, but it is not science.

Stop making a book something that it isn't.

things i think about

-Will there ever be a point in my life where I ever feel like I belong? Is there a place, a community on this globe I'm meant to be?

- Am I ever capable of living up to my own ideals? When is the point where living my ideals is a realistic venture and not a far-off dream?

- When will I stop wandering and feel settled? Where is my place of contentment if such a place exists in this life?

- Would finding my significant other actually complete me? I'm sure I'll find something to be discontent about, probably dealing with his weaknesses.

-How much is up to God and how much is my own choice? Will I ever hear a clear word from God about where I'm going?

-If I know I can find true joy in God, then why don't I spend more time enjoying his presence? Do I actually like/indulge in despair?

- How can I enjoy God's presence in a period of stormy weather? How can I enjoy him when I so easily distracted by so many frivolous things?

i wish...

i wish that i found satisfaction in God. i hate the things i try to find satisfaction in.

and i suck at guarding my heart, even when there is really no one who poses immediate threat.

how does one deal with despair? the easy, christian answer is to pray and read the bible. but what happens when you are so sunken in, you just don't feel like it. i know that "not feeling like it" is kind of a cop out.

church on sundays seem to be the only time i start to fall down on my knees and realize how much I need to pray and read the Word. and then i go about my week, like a half-hearted creature content in playing in mud piles.

during the week, my heart develops bad habits...these habits lead me to places i don't need to be. places i gravitate so naturally cause it's in my nature. i feel so steeped in this "casual" sin, that there seems to be no exit. it seems to be hopeless. i feel like i will never be healed of this. perhaps i'm wrong, cause Christ can do anything, but this is how I feel.


"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but I hate what I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to; no, the evil I do not want to do-- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me who does it.....

what a wretched (wo)man I am! who will rescue me from this body of death?


Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord."


Romans 7

almost coherent thought for the week on Christian existentialism

Sometimes I wonder what it means to be both depressed and be a Christian, especially in our postmodern age when existentialism is so popular, and not necessarily completely contradictory to Christian faith. Without God, everything is devoid of meaning. I think the fact that God is sovereign and has complete control of our lives sounds pretty existential sometimes. It seems like I've become a Christian existentialist without even meaning to, mainly due to my depression, I'm sure. Sometimes all I see from my life is suffering, to which I have no control over. I cannot control my emotions.

I want to live a life where the good news is actually good news to me. Where I can claim victory in Christ (and nothing else, everything else is devoid of meaning). Where I can experience joy which nothing else can give.

I seek the truth. And sometimes, the truth is hard to swallow. Ignorance is bliss, right? The truth of God in my life is something I cannot ignore, but sometimes it's just hard to take in. I put so much responsibility on myself. I guilt myself when I'm not connected as I think I should be.

And I'm depressed. That's a real disorder. And yes, you can be a Christian who takes joy in the Lord, and still be depressed. But, I'm commanded by God to be glad. Where is the line drawn? When do I give in too much to my futile thoughts? It's an ongoing battle- the fight between me obtaining joy and giving in to futility. It changes almost every minute. I'm not bipolar, but sometimes it feels like such a bipolar spirituality- I go from a mountain peak to a valley within moments. Where is my steady ground? I think many of us are in this condition, and quite honestly I don't think it's something that we can control. The internal battles are often between God and principalities of Darkness.

So, what can we do? How can I, a Christian who struggles (but sometimes doesn't put forth much effort) with depression, do to claim victory in Christ? Is it more of an action or simply a way of being? Maybe both are integrated. We are called to take action, but sometimes actions burn us out and we just need to be still.

When my spirits are low and my heart is under attack, what can I do?

Prayer is the integration, I believe. It invites us to take action (in the act of praying) but also to be passive. When we pray, we slow down our hearts and minds to listen to the heartbeat of our Creator. The actions lulls us into being.

I need to pray more. Honestly, something's been preventing me. I need to repent of whatever it is. Yes I can be a Christian and be depressed. But I cannot lean on my depression, clinging on to it, and using it as excuse. I need to cling to the gospel- the salvation of God incarnate rescuing me from my grave.

I do feel genuine times of continuous gladness. And then I fall. But no matter where my emotions lie, my Lord is always with me. And that's something to celebrate. I can't simply be a Christian existentialist ALL the time.

habits

-i zone out around large groups of people, lost in my own thoughts

-after a surge of energy and excitement always comes the pitfall into inner anguish

-my spiritual battle seems to be a fight against my "existential" futile thoughts and my emotional, heavy heart.

- i set high expectations for future events and relationships just to be disappointed

- i talk over people. i like to talk about myself and then at the end out of courtesy, i ask, "and how are you?"

- i enjoy attention, but i often get embarrassed by it

- i idolize deadly things

-i treat people like they're only props and characters toward my own existence. i don't care about people as much as i pretend.

- i breathe fire when people disagree with me. i let them very little opportunity to defend themselves.

-even though i have grown to be more confrontational, i am still way too passive-aggressive, and i play games just to test people.

- i always want the guy i like at whatever time to initiate conversation with me, and i get pissy when they don't even though i don't do anything.

- i complain way too much. i am bitter and cynical.

- i think and overanalyze so much that i become depressed.

- i am a verbal processor. that means when i am upset, who ever comforts me, hears EVERYTHING.

-i always try to go deep way too quickly for people when they're not ready or they just want things to be light and fluffy.

-from a distance, i appear light and fluffy, but i have such a heavy heart, that sometimes i just can't do anything.

-i really suck as a person. sometimes i wish people would see that. sometimes i hate it that a lot of people think i'm so sweet and noble. i hate fake or false appearances. i don't want to be seen one way or another. i do not have it altogether because i'm a christian. i'm in even more desperate need because i'm a christian.

- i enjoy human praise way too much. and sometimes i become cowardly when i need to tell people how i see truth. i become silent because of the tolerance trap. and because i don't want to be that girl. i'd rather have people like me then know the good news of christ's salvation.

-sometimes i focus way more on the despair part of my faith and i forget to take victory in the good news.

-i'd rather spend time on facebook then i would with god.

-i am way too obsessed with finding that guy, even though i hardly openly admit it and i pretend i don't want to get married for 10 years when really it's 3.

-i am way too quick to pour my heart out on damn online blogs.

(this blog is now becoming livejournal with all the anguished complaining i'm consumed in)

- i purposely keep distant in my relationships with people

- i hate asking for help

-i have a lot of pride. and little humility.

-i always need god.

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

One thing I do know: I have to go back to Manassas.

I know this because God told me to. I would much rather go to Oregon, Philly, California, Kenya.

Ready for my transitional post-college era, I have applied or thought about applying to these places.

Borders
Trader Joe's (my parents not crazy about those high aspirations)
farm intern
americorps
sub teacher for PWC schools
teacher assistant
editorial assistant
library assistant

and there's several more. i don't know. i want to be a writer. A WRITER #$@@g!!!
But that's the most impractical thing in the world to want to be. and i can't be one right now, cause i'm an inexperience, naive little girl who everyone will probably reject (and i hate facing rejection!)


god is faithful, though. dang, right he is!!!

i've got the victory

Ever since I went home a couple weeks ago to see my brother who was in the hospital and be with my family, God has brought my heart through intense healing. It began with my own dad encouraging me and counseling me through my depressed state. Two late night conversations with him from across the dinner table and a car ride home back to CNU. We prayed through scripture together. He said he'd be praying for me through everything that God will bring healing to my heart.

I had trouble deciding what I'd do for spring break. Go to Newark, NJ with my IV chapter for inner city missions or go home to help take care of my brother? It was a tough decision but God gave me peace about going to Newark so I just went. I hated it at first. I hated the smell. I hated that I had to sleep in sleeping bag in a corner of a room stuffed with girls and share 2 showers among all 35 of us students who went. I hated how many loud seemingly ungrateful rambunctious children I had to serve food to and was secretly glad I didn't have to "deal" with them at kids club.

Despite my hate, God brought me to love. And I left Newark loving it and loving the inner city. I worked on the "manna" team which meant we cooked food for a mass of people every night, and during the daytime were teacher assistants at this missional school called the World Impact Centre. I made sure the foods were cooked well with the right spices and ingredients. That was the gift I contributed to my team- my flavor anointing. During the day, I assisted a class of 7 5th grade students, mostly from low-income families, but at a very good school. The school wasn't rich. In fact the teachers have to raise their entire salaries, but it was a very good school. All my kids were very bright even though the boys were super ADHD.

Sensitive is the primary word you can use to describe me during this week. I got easily anxious, upset, excited, exhilarated. I was always at emotional extremes and my feelings were vulnerable and easily hurt.

It was a miracle that happened. Before my brother's recent sickness and this trip, I was very apathetic and all my feelings were suppressed. I could not feel any joy in what I could do. But I did cry out to God in my despair. I was actually very angry at him. It seemed that he was at times that he was good but not powerful enough to heal me, or powerful but not good enough to heal me. The depths of my heart could only see despair. It was veiled with an icy cold layer which prohibited me from seeing or hearing God.

It was a miracle that I was sensitized. For the first time in who knows how long I am able to sing loud and out of key with no shame, dance recklessly in pure joy, act foolish for the cross of Jesus, I take hold of my victory I have in him. God has made me into a child again. His child. I am no longer an orphan. I can see and I can hear and I can taste what the Lord has for me and his people.

What do I feel? What do I sense?
An overwhelming peace.

Through my progressive healing, God enabled me to love people more. People who I have judged, whether they were the crazy kids or people in my chapter who I labeled and wrote off as being something they're not. God has opened up my heart and mind as he is helping me release my pride and bring everything to the cross. As he is breaking my chains that suppress me, in shyness, from really getting to be with people.

God is placing a new song on my lips. Life feels like life. Not a mundane, meaningless cycle.

And some conclusion about post undergrad has cleared up. I'm going home this summer. How long will I be there. For however long until God tells me to leave to become a teacher or go to seminary for education. Because I found something that through Newark, God showed me I could do: teach.

I am partially nervous about going home. I don't have a car there. I won't have a close-knit college community. And I never liked Manassas. In fact, I went to college with my heart set on never returning to Manassas for longer than a few weeks at a time. It is only by the grace of God that I feel called to go home, and help take care of my brother and reconcile myself to my family and that place I always hated so much.

I talked to my mom this evening about the decision. And I mentioned that I was praying that God would provide me a car to get around in. She surprised me, telling me that she's been praying since Christmas that God would provide a car for me and I have only started to pray about it!

Romans 8 sums it all up pretty well. I read it in one of my quiet times this past week, and ended up reading it with a few of my other friends. Through Christ, I am more than a conqueror of my depression. I am more than a conqueror of my sin. I have the victory.

i played the game

i am coming to hate religion more each day.

and i see my need for the cross getting bigger each day.

nothing is happening though. i see my need, but i'm just reduced to despair or apathy.

i see the religious through this acting in form. i know it's just a game. i've been there. i played the game.

as i'm hating religion more, i see how much I need Christ as my life.

but I can't grasp it. the despair and apathy entangle into a web which I'm caught in.

Lord, please fetch me out. And cast out my religiosity. Because I know there is nothing good I can do- no matter how much i attend church, or how many missions i go on- there is nothing I can do on my own to get out of this web.

stuff white people like

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

Here is a blog that tells you everything about me. Really, it's pretty sad...

here are some major tip-offs

#71- being the only white person around (i mean, i do want to go to africa)

#64- recycling

Recycling is a part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the earth without having to do that much.

Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties) and then when you’re done you just put it in a DIFFERENT bin than where you would throw your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great, it’s so easy!

#62 knowing what's best for poor people

They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal*Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to Community College/get a job instead of studying art at a University.

#61 bicycles

But there is a special category of bicycles that appeal far more to white women, the European city bike (pictured). White women have a lot of fantasies about idealized lives, and one of them is living in Europe and riding around an old city on one of these bikes. They dream about waking up and riding to a little cafe, then visiting bakeries and cheese shops and finally riding home to prepare a fancy meal for their friends who will all eat under a canopy with white Christmas lights. This information can be used to help gain the trust/admiration of a white woman, especially if you can pull off a lie about how your mother told you about how she used to do all of these things when she was younger.

#47 arts degrees

#41 indie music

If you want to understand white people, you need to understand indie music. As mentioned before, white people hate anything that’s “mainstream” and are desperate to find things that are more genuine, unique, and reflective of their experiences.

#38 arrested development

Even though most white people prefer to say that they don’t watch television, one thing they agree on is that Arrested Development was the best show on TV. They love it so much!

# 32 vegan/vegetarianism

#28 not having a tv

#18 awareness

"An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe that all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness.” Meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, and then magically someone else like the government will fix it."

#10 wes anderson films

#1 coffee


A very humorous, truth-telling blog indeed. It describes me to the tee.

And that disturbs me. This blog is very revealing of my sin.

This blog isn't just describing white people. I am an archetype of a culture that is so self-absorbed and guilt-ridden. Yep, that's me.

Everything in here points back to Self and making one feel better.

How do I as a Christian respond to this?

I am a Christian, yes. But I put my identity in all these other things. Sure, I want to serve the poor, but really, part of my motivation sometimes is to alleviate my own guilt. I'm not noble in any capacity. I think about myself all the time.

But God is full of grace and compassion which I will never acquire. He lowered himself, coming to earth as man, and died a shameful death and was resurrected, to save humankind from themselves. And here I am because of that, saved by his grace, loved by his mercy, but still I succomb to being hip, trying to make myself happy, and attempting to alleviate my guilt on my own.

I've thought about this a lot recently. I know, no matter what, I am a daughter of God, and nothing can separate myself from him, but I don't I take my cross to follow Jesus. Yes, I talk about loving God and loving people, but I'm all talk and no action. Following Jesus means to die to yourself, the cravings of your sinful nature, and to live life by the spirit. I don't do any of those things. I know I am saved by grace without merit, but sometimes I feel ashamed to call myself a Christian when I'm a really a self-absorbed hypocrite.

I just re-read Matthew 19, and it's giving me some comfort as this was just as relevant of an issue back when Jesus walked the earth. This passage pretty much gives the answer, which is a pretty complex one:

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."

"Which ones?" the man inquired.

Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,' and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'"

"All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?"

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?"

Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

scared.

It's time for a confession, guys.

I'm scared shit of graduating.

No joke.

As I write this, I know God is calling me out of my comfortable middle class life. He has bigger plans for me. I've always known that God had not so ordinary things lined up for my life, but when I was younger I thought those would be things which would make me rich and famous. I wanted to soak in all the glory I could.

But no, God has not called me to that. God has called me to love the poor, a realization I had during after a fast last semester.

I don't want to do that. I want to be rich and famous, and soak in glory. This is what part of me, my flesh, wants.

I'm scared of this calling. I am ill-equipped and I don't know how to love as I should. How am I supposed to love people I rarely have ever come in contact with?

I want to run away. I don't want to fill out applications for americorps, peace corps, mission year or jesuit volunteer corp. I want to fill out applications for menial 9-5 positions instead.

But being with the poor is what I really want. Something inside tells me to go. I must listen. Fear keeps holding me back. I am not even afraid of the living situations, of the danger as much as I am afraid of being horrible. Of feeling like a miserable person cause I can't do it. That's what I'm afraid of.

But I have Christ and in him perfect love that casts out fear. And pretty much, he bids to come and DIE to myself- to my fears, to my faults, to my insecurities- so that I can truly live. The only way I can truly live is to do the will of the Father.

I need to be reminded of this everyday. Quite honestly, I need prayer. I need to be soaked in it, because Satan is trying to hold me back. But Christ's power is strong enough to break those chains. amen.

the pygmalion effect

I'm working on a new poem. The first one in a long time. I'm embarrassed to post my shitty first draft of it on the net- it seems kinda flighty and girly, but there are deep themes I need to explore- body image, self-creation and loss of identity.

The poem is about clothes. But it cannot just be about clothes. Basically this has been an idea I wanted to put to some thought form for quite awhile. I've been having a major crisis identity. This started after getting home from Kenya, but it got much worse over winter break. As a result, I've been dressing slightly differently, slightly better. And I really don't believe that someone is what they wear, but I act like it by my almost shame of not wearing my typical thrift store outfits anymore. I realized that I've labeled myself by what I wear.

I've created myself through my clothes. It kinda makes me sick. I don't want to create some image of myself that I want people to glorify. I want God to make me beautiful and radiate His glory.

And really, I have just been dressing for other people. There's a song Rosie Thomas sings that continually echoes in my head lately- "Paper Doll"

Tonight I'm like a paper doll
Dress me in what you wish I had on
And I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

Here I am, wordless again
You dress me up different ways
Flat and thin
Speechless within
You dress me up different ways
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

And I do not like the clothes I wear
I'd sooner throw them into the air
But I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

Here I am, wordless again
You dress me up different ways
Flat and thin
Speechless within
You dress me up different ways
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

Why is it now
You've cut me out
Of everything I was used to
Now it's not that I stand here with no choice
I will choose now to raise up my voice

Here I am, wordless again
Wordless again
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

Tonight I'm like a paper doll
Cut from the page I once lived on
And I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

I love this song. And it's funny how I can relate to it. Except no specific person is doing this to me- silencing me through changing who I am. I'm doing it to myself.

So now I don't know how this poem is gonna go. It's obviously gonna be a confessional poem, which are sometimes too preachy or sometimes too emotional. I don't want it to be either. That's kinda how it seems right now. To give you an idea, here's my shitty first draft:

My closet’s torn open,
Piles of bright colors
Fall on top each other
I rest my head upon a cashmere
And wonder what’s happened-
2 or 3 years of thrifting
replaced by corporate labels
the children of Indonesia
have suffered tearful hours
for me to rest my head
upon abundance
the guilt was sucked out
at some point when I
bought the second pair of boots

I’m recreating myself
Hoping my number one
Motive above any good
Intention will be appeased:
I want to be gazed upon
Like a blazen statue
I am my own pymalion
The effect I’ve created
has never ceasing
As thrift girl, I made myself
As posh girl, I made myself

What good is it to keep making and re-creating?
for a statue whose purpose is to be worshipped.
I have leaned on the wisdom of me
And the callous “what not to wear”

Dressed to the nines
I’m don’t feel very me
But was I really myself before?

See what I mean? The first stanza is OK. But the rest sucks. I need to "show and not tell." Any ideas?

?

everything's been good (on the surface).

"i have made you too small in my eyes. oh, Lord, forgive me."

i have some stuff to say...but i can't say it in a blog. church rocked me this week in an incredibly hard way. but i shrugged it off, and decided not to pay attention to it. and that's all i'm gonna say right now.

i just really need to talk to someone with a listening ear. because it's been like pulling teeth even getting any non-positive emotions to surface.

yes, i've been positive lately. but dangerously positive. not the good kind of positive, although seems all well on the outside.

someone please call me or visit me or write me. i need to talk.

12 things to organize my thought process

I'm still here. Still thinking God and life but it's hard to put my thoughts into words. A huge swirl of events and emotions have been dancing around me and I am both excited and exhausted by life.

I'll just go down the list of thoughts.

1) I'm gonna be volunteering for the Sentera Hospice. Interestingly, I got connected through my journalism class. Dr. Lee makes short documentaries of the patients and he is possibly making it into a bigger project. I'll just be helping by getting to know the patients, video taping them and hopefully be supplemented with material for my feature writing assignments. Please pray for me. This is a big chance for me to engage in a current life dream- help people and write about them. That's what I want to do with my life and I feel so blessed to be able to start soon. I need prayer about being with these dying people- that I'll be completely humble, and that God will fill my heart with compassion. I also need prayer that I can fit this into my crazy schedule.

2) I'm realizing that I sometimes relate to non-Christians better than Christians. There is no fault here; I just find it interesting. I like it. I don't want to be caught in a Christian bubble.

3) I'm really really busy this semester and taking on new things. To do this, I've had to prioritize things, and I decided to leave CNU TONiGHT. I'm gonna really miss it. Also, I think I should take less work hours.

4) I've been super self-conscious about my body image lately, thus I've been dressing better. It's an unusual shift for me. Ultimately, I just want to be skinny again, and I sometimes hold a grudge against all the skinny, pretty girls I see around campus. I don't want to. It sucks being so bitter sometimes.

5) Last week, I received a difficult assignment: To write an obituary of Roy Smith, who was a student at CNU. It was really hard for me, because he took his own life and I myself struggle with depression. Although I don't consider suicide too often, a week before this assignment I had an epiphany that if it were not for Christ in my life, I'd be dead by now (I don't know who reads this blog, I'm letting this out there, but I'd rather be truthful than hold stuff in, in hopes that people reading might empathize.) It made it really hard to write the obituary, and I had tough decisions to make, like whether to publish how Roy died (which I decided against). I almost feel akin to Roy even though I never met him, and I was most interested in writing an article which would honor him, his family and his friends. It was published in this week's Captain's Log and I received excellent feedback, which was arelief because never having written an obituary in my life, I was anxious (and thank God for people who edit your stories). I didn't know Roy but I am so glad I got the chance to do something life-honoring for him.

6) This ties into 4. I feel uncomfortable around most underclassmen. And I hate that, because I feel like I can relate to a lot of people, individually. And it might seem like I'm acting superior to them, when thats not true at all. I just can't relate as well. And that's made going to IV large group and events more difficult, because there are mostly underclassmen there now and I am uncomfortable meeting them and getting beyond surface relationships. And my self-consciousness mentioned in 4 ties into that. I feel a tension between wanting to be their friends, and just wanting a few intentional friends. But I don't know, getting older, I just don't feel like I fit in with them at all. And that's hard, because they seem like great people. But I think I should probably just focus on deeper relationships more than having a larger amount of friendships.

7) I've been thinking a lot lately about true humility and what it is to really love and it hit me at small group this week:

The words of John the Baptist:

"A man can receive only what is given him from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, 'I am not the Christ[j] but am sent ahead of him.' The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less."- John 3:27-29

I want to have this kind of humility.

8) I had a good conversation with Zach Fauver yesterday, talking about reformed theology. He pointed out some scriptures in John and it put me at rest. Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure at pursuing God or I try to do the work myself. But ultimately, it is God doing the work in me. It's so great being reminded that.

9) I'm lagging behind on my applications.

10) For my diversity/cultural competence class, I was to make a family tree, write my family background and present that with my resume to my class. I was incredibly vulnerable, but I mean, anytime I talk about my life I have to be vulnerable or it wouldn't be truth. And sometimes I forget how interesting my life sounds to people who aren't me. But I think it's just because I'm a writer and I make things more dramatic than they are. Eh, oh well.

11) I'm trying to bust out of my cynical mode. It's not who I am.

12) I am UBER excited about a couple things right now but I can't talk about it or I might jinx it. Oh golly gosh, am I just thrilled. And I have Feist stuck in my head. =) More later.

notes to self

1) God's expectations are not always my expectations. His ways are higher than mine.

2) stop spending all your time watching the office, arrested development and playing scrabulous on facebook

3) get into scripture. get fed. eat with God.

4) loneliness is universal. stop feeling like you're the only one.

5) stop trying to control your destiny.

6) boys are stupid. stop thinking about them. stop overanalyzing.

7) stay informed about kenya and other things on around the globe.

8) make sure you call your friends this week.

9) value your family

10) remember that no matter how much you fail, you are always a daughter of God- precious and valued in HIS sight.

another family affair?

I have tried my best to stray away from having political arguments with members of my family, as I enjoy building unity rather than trying to project my rightness over anyone.

And really, the things I believe in (the causes) are not purely political. And I'm sick of parties having claims over them. And while I want to vote in someone who projects these values, they still could be Democrat or Republican. Sadly, many republicans regard these values as leftist.

fighting poverty
environmental care
human rights
ending world hunger
providing educational opportunities for everyone
providing vocational training

yes, the evils of liberalism.

truth is, neither party fights for truth as much as they try to lead on.

so who will i vote for in 2008?

preferably someone who stands by these issues, and ALSO is against abortion. and against the war in Iraq. and won't give the government more legitimacy to red tape everything.

who fits into this ideal candidate?

no one.

i'm sick of politics and sick of pointless family debates.