Days 1 and 2 (and a half)

Yesterday was when it started. I hung out with my best friend Bekah and her new hubbie, Sherwin at his old house and they said they saw my facebook status and were talking about it all day.

Because Sherwin's response went like this: "Janelle, is there any food we can offer you? We have milk, lots of cheese, and eggs! Would you please accept our hospitality?"

What a jerk.

So, we ate pasta (gluten-free, egg-free) with home made sauce. Part of the sauce was leftover from meat sauce my parents gave me the other night when they had me over for dinner. We had that, sauteed some garlic, onions and eggplant to throw in there along with some fresh basil. MMMM. And there was our vegan/hospitalitarian dinner. If you don't understand how it goes, maybe you will begin to after you read the last blog and follow the other ones.

If you do understand, and are a single, attractive, Christ-seeking man, please marry me.

I kid, I kid.

But, really.

They offered me a cherry coke zero. Which I was excited by until Sherwin drank mine. But I realized it may have refined sugar and other stuff in it which isn't vegan. But Sherwin pointed out since it was coke zero, that it wouldn't. Bekah agreed, but noted it would have other stuff. I have decided to be safe, to stay away from soda.

I have discovered from this visit, that I need to set some ground rules. So here goes:

1) It's not what you do first, it's what you do next.

I find that I am truly oblivious to what's vegan and not vegan even though I have considered myself somewhat of a foodie in the past. I am becoming aware of my ignorance all over again.

So what do I do if in my oblivion, I eat something (that I buy) that isn't vegan? I don't cry on the floor kicking. I research it, learn from it and move on.

Yesterday I had an egg roll at lunch. I know what you are thinking- an EGG roll--how obvious. Well truthfully, I wasn't thinking about it's name, but was INSIDE it. Later when I realized my falter, I made my co-worker Ashley laugh harder than ever before

2) Do not be legalistic, especially when people offer me food. Especially dessert.

Friday is National Cheesecake Day. It really is. I knew this yesterday when I decided to do this diet, and still persisted on. Why didn't I wait until this day was over?

Ashley keeps asking me, "What if I made cheesecake? All that time and effort I poured into it? Would you refuse it?"

I love cheesecake. Is this something I should always deny even when offered out of hospitality? Even vegans take their falls sometimes. And you know what, there's nothing wrong with that. As long as you don't break out into hives.

I can choose to eat it, in slow, deliberate moderation. It's not something I will seek after, but if someone makes something that's beautiful and delicious, who am I to reject its intrinsic beauty?

My theory that I am lactose-intolerant could very well be a gross overreaction, to a stomach cramp thing that's going around. Although I do want to cleanse system of dairy foods, for health reasons. But I am not going to die from dairy.

My choice to abstain from dairy is a choice. Not a doctor's mandate. Even so, many doctors also over-react and over-diagnose. We need to be wise sometimes and make our own decisions based on how we know our bodies and with a little bit of careful research.

And here's what I have ate so far yesterday (since my swearing off) and today. If I fell, due to ignorance, please let me know.

Monday
fried rice with black beans and chick peas
zucchini
egg roll
blackberries and granola
a chocolate peppermint Luna bar
a rice cake
bread and tomato sauce
gluten free, egg free pasta and tomato sauce

Tuesday
coffee with coconut milk as creamer
a rice cake
bread and tomato sauce
green beans (sprayed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar)
black bean salad (black beans, corn, red peppers, lettuce, cucumbers, other veggies)
potatoes


And of course, water has been my beverage of choice (I have also given up on bottled water, but left my re-usable water bottle at Sherwin's house. I don't know how I will work out tonight without it! :( )

More ground rules as I go. This is a work in progress.

I have been craving Ashley's M&Ms alll day.

Here's to holding strong (I think!).

on being a vegan hospitalitarian: a values vs. health dilemma?

Is this a complete contradiction?

I almost feel like it is.

Brief history: Around 4 years ago, in Portland, Oregon, I became a vegetarian. This is because I learned more about the meat industry in America and was sickened by its lack of ethics. However, I did not stop eating dairy or eggs and other animal-based products. I would try my best to buy these products organic or free-range, but at the time, I did not deem it reasonable to go vegan.

3 years ago, I was preparing to go to Kenya for a 7 week long missions trip. Prior to the trip, I was involved in a program called Students Training in Missions, which trains you to enter cross-cultural situations. One weekend, we had a meat-based meal, and I was going to opt to eating PB&J, but one of my leaders sat me aside and explained to me that it's offensive to go into other cultures and refuse their food.

That struck a chord in me, and one thing that remained fresh that year was when I went to peoples' houses (at home) and would explain I am vegetarian. If they were not prepared, they were either sorry or kinda ticked off. I realized that food preferences draw up boundaries-- so knowing that I want to live a missional life, I chose people over animal ethics in those situations. I want to love people and care for creation-- becoming a hospitalitarian seemed like the best way.

Hospitalitarianism. I made up that word, and it is a conversation piece whereever I go. It simply means I do not buy my own meat-- but I eat it at peoples' houses, church events and other things of the like. So on my own time, I am still a vegetarian.

But recently, I have had health concerns. And really, it's been going on for awhile. When I was in Kenya, tea was served at all times a day. It was Kenyan chai- a milk based tea, made with boiled whole milk, water and loose tea leaves. It was very good, but I started getting sick everytime I drank it. I had to start to turn it down, or drink it very slowly, and not move afterwards.

I have been getting sick lately, and whenever I do get sick, too much dairy has seemed to be a part of it. But even yesterday, when I just had a little bit of half & half in my Americano I started feeling bad.

Am I lactose-intolerant? I don't know. I need to see a doctor to find out. But I think I could at least have a mild intolerance to dairy.

So right now, I am starting an experiment. Go mostly vegan and see if that has an impact. Mostly vegan, because I am still hospitalitarian. So it would work, in theory, like eating vegetarian when I am on my own.

But I have health issues to work out. If I go over to someone's house and they cook baked ziti, topped off with cheesecake for dessert, I know I will miserable afterwards. So what do I do in these scenarios? Explain to people that although I can still eat meat when I am with them, I can't eat as much dairy?

Telling people I am a vegan hospitalitarian will throw them all off-- because this implies that I don't eat any animal products. And while I won't eat animal products on my own time and money, what do I do when I visit people?

Like if someone offers me a pepsi? That one's easier. "I'll just drink water." But in some cultures, if someone offers you a pepsi, you need to drink the pepsi.

I am toying around with not calling myself vegan at all, but maybe being a dairy-free hospitalitarian. This will be slightly less confusing, however does not provide for more polite manners around the dinner table.

Personal health is a very important thing to consider, but so are the relationships built around the dinner table. People tell me that in this culture, it's ok to be vegetarian or vegan as long as you tell your hosts ahead of time, but still that requires the host to have to make extra preparations for you and spend more money possibly to offer two versions of the same meal. It works for some people, and I certainly understand those who do have more serious health problems.

I just hope I never become gluten-intolerant. :/

my bike poem

it's been a long time

i wrote a poem tonight based on a current event in my life. it's just a draft with no inhibitions, so don't judge too hard. if anything feedback to make it better.

love song for a bicycle

you were the first grown up
i owned
at age 21, you fit me just right
your adjustable height,
the way my arms went
from my chest
to the handles
you were the perfect grip
a perfect college day
riding you down by the river
through to the line to the throne
leading a friend along
the breeze is perfect
as the pace is high
blowing through my hair
as i seize toward the wind
and find myself in your arms
my own mercy seat
my refuge, my peaceful dwelling
you were tthese hings-
and shiny, and green,
you had a name
unlike any non living
object i ever owned

you were my friend
you comforted when
things began to change
back then my only friend for miles
a summer evening, along
suburban backroads
you guided me and taught me freedom
in a restraining place
the breeze swept intimately
through my bones
as i discovered
each neighborhood ended
with a couldesack

but then life wore on
and we spoke a little less
two jobs, no money
you collected dust in my garage
dormant, and with rusting chains

i got you fixed this year
after i moved
and i felt free again
bur still two jobs, and though
a more viewer friendly locale,
you went ignored

but we had few good times
riding through trails crowned
with dandelions and other weeds

you were in my office storage room
covered with things, but
i rescued you from that existence
and loaded you into my suv
so i could ride you
anytime.
anywhere.

just drive somewhere and ride.
that was my dream. just when my second job
is ending, i can take you for a spin.

it was my last week and
anticipation was built
you were in my car
as i drove to wegman’s
you were in my car
when i drove home

my car looked emptied the next day
something was not right
it wasn’t until the middle of the day
i realized
you were gone


it’s doubtful i cried this much
for any person as of late
i had such plans for you
but the plans wouldn’t wait

someone took you away
no bicycle could replace you
not one
your bright green shine
your inviting embrace

i would take you anywhere
you were mine
a possession, sure
but much, much more
it’s hard to explain
the loss, as losing your own
kinsmen seems to be
a regular occurrence
for everyone
but what a shock
it was for me

I am Aleph: so little restraint but longing for it.

My facebook fast officially ended last Sunday night. I looked at facebook briefly, but it had no appeal to me. As the days continue, facebook has been luring me further and further back to itself. Ugh. I know that sounds sick. I have been a little bored editing data entry at work so it makes me want to spend more time on facebook- but NO!

I do not need to give up something completely. But I need to learn self-control. I have been maintaining it since the fast, but it keeps getting harder. I have not been able to spend as much time with Jesus as I would have liked to this week, since I have been incredibly busy with two jobs.

What does it mean to exhibit self-control? Why is it so important?

Before the days of facebook, when myspace was still popular and blogspot was virtually unknown, there was xanga. Xanga was like blogging jr. It seemed directed at youth. It was a kind of like a social network/blog. People normally did not blog about important items, just stupid things about their own lives.

I remember at one point, I completely deleted all my xangas (yes, I had various ones as I have various blogs). One day, I threw in the towel, and started my xanga back up. My xanga name? SoLittleRestraint...man. It's like when you you're being bad, but you embrace it all the more.

Social networks are of course not inherently evil, but when I consider all the time I have spent on them rather than in God's word, I feel like a complete fool.

I am starting to study Psalm 119. I have always fled away from this chapter, because it's so LONG. Long and seemingly redundant. He repeats law, commandments, statutes, precepts, works over and over again. I have always been a good rule follower, but when I gave my life to God, I took a big dump on the rules. I hated them and their association with good, cookie-cutter Christianity. I was a reckless beginner, completely infatuated by God's grace that I ignored the things that would keep me steadfast, stable, on solid ground.

I see the fruit of that now. I do not have much solid ground, I am always in the sinking sand. I hate the word self-control and in all the years I have been a believer have not had a good grasp on it- I either became legalistic in response, or a hippie rebel. True to form, I would consider my faith over the past years as hippie-like...I do faith, bible study, accountability, discipleship, service, PRAYER when I FEEL LIKE IT. I did that to not become legalistic. But then these practices never came into full being.

To be quite honest, for years I raged a silent war in my heart against people who "did their devotionals" every day. Oh, how I loathed this word, devotional. I had a "let it be" mentality. But now, in maturing, I realize that I have only given myself a passive faith that can easily be preyed upon. I seek to develop these spiritual disciplines more and more- not out of legalism. Out of a desire to draw closer to my King and Creator. To speak with him. To be with him. All this time when I just wanted to be, I did NOT KNOW HOW to be.

Now as I am seeking to develop these disciplines, I find myself relating to Aleph.

Psalm 119 begins with a double blessing for people who walk with God outwardly and inwardly.

"Blessed are those whose way is blameless,
who walk in the law of the Lord!
Blessed are those who keep their testimonies,
who seek him with their whole heart,
who also do no wrong, but walk in his ways."

Honestly, my first reaction is UGHHHH. Maybe it's because I am jaded. Growing up in Christian culture, I was always strongly encouraged to obey the rules, keep the law, don't have sex, don't drink. K, Thanks for the talk on Christ redeeming our lives on the Cross. Oh wait, where did that come in? So obviously, these words have bad, legalistic associations. As a kid, I followed HARD after God following every single rule possible. I also did not have many friends. Looking back, I see that God had set me apart and gave me a somewhat pure heart through all of this discipline- those were the benefits. But when I came into a new realization of the gospel, I wondered why leaders focused more on the rules than on love.

Now, after recognizing my jadedness, I must move forward and ask God for new a perspective. And ask questions like-

What does it mean to live by the law of the Lord?
How can I seek him with a whole heart?
What the heck does it mean to "keep his testimonies?"
Why do I want to walk in righteousness instead of doing wrong?

When I write those questions out, it makes sense. If I want to seek God with my whole heart, my heart beat should be aligned with his. He expresses his perfection in his law- although we as humans can never expect to live up to it completely, we can be blameless.

What does it mean to be blameless?
It's a life fully integrated around the the Lord's law (according to my IVP commentary). I also have been beginning to study Luke and yesterday I read of Zechariash and Elizabeth, servants of God, held blameless in his sight. It simpy means that they were faithful to God, especially in the hard circumstances of Elizabeth being barren.

In verses 1-4, Aleph looks at a person who is blameless in God's sight. In his shoes, I would be annoyed. "UGH. Why can't I get there? Why are they so freakin GOOD?" Aleph expresses longing to be like this- to be a faithful servant walking with the Lord in keeping his precepts diligently. To have the obedience flow not only outward but inward.

Aleph sees the VALUE in these qualities and he wants them:

verses 5-8
Oh that my ways be steadfast,
in keeping your statutes!
Then I will not be put to shame,
having my eyes fixed on your commandments.
I will praise you with an upright heart,
when I learn your righteous rules.
I will keep your statures;
do not utterly forsake me!

WOW. How refreshingly HUMAN. He wants to be kept steadfast,being set in way of the Lord, but he is afraid his quest would be set to disappointment. So he makes these HUGE promises, and begs the Lord to not utterly forsake him. I think we should make these promises, we need to get goals for ourselves. But in it, we remember God's promises to us. "I will not leave you or forsake you. I will be with you always." In Christ, we have the incredible promise that developing disciplines and meditating on his word will not be in vain. While chasing after everything else may come fruitless, there is promise in the living word of God!

He pursues us. But we should not hold back, and be lazy in pursuing him. Those of us in Christ, have established a covenant- a marriage pact. How can we try to know God, if we do not spend serious amounts of time talking with him every day?

As for me, I want to know God and I want to glorify him and not myself. His ways are perfect, his statutes are given to protect us and guard our hearts.

In trying to obtain peace in life, I am learning to love both the law and the grace. Both are incomplete without the other.

Make me complete, Abba. Give me self-control to not spend all my time in idoltry but to live in you completely. To get to know you like I have never known anyone before. Amen.

facebook, you are not me

my identity is not built up on what I made myself to be on facebook. i have wasted way too much of my life trying to portray me how i wanted people to see me.

no more, my god, i boast no more.


burn the kingdoms i have made
that you will shine
and i will fade
til there's nothing left of me.

hold on to your seats, ladies and gents.

this is gonna be a wild, rocky ride.

11 years

Today was one crappy day. I started the day with a stressful situation and despite the moments of redemptive grace throughout the day (which mostly involved food) I was under intense spirtitual attack. It has just been one of those weeks at work where you wonder if you will get anything done, ever. I was overwhelmed and not with grace-oriented mindfulness. So mostly, my day became all about me. How stressed I was. How I have been feeling poured out after a day of total rest and rejuvenation with God. Why and how do these things happen? I think it is very commonplace to hit a valley as soon as we hit a spiritual high. And that's what today was.

It came as no surprise to me when I realized the significance of today's dates- 1/20/2010. I got the jitters when I saw that date as a deadline a few days ago- maybe it was just the deadline, but that only surfaces the anxiety of that date.

11 years ago today, in a few hours, my oldest brother got in a car accident. He got a spinal cord injury and became a quadripalegic. Despite the tragedy of that night, God worked powerful miracles as well. Redemptive acts of grace were seen through that whole evening. Basically it's a miracle that my brother and his friends were alive.They were discovered right away.

1/21 is actually a bigger day for me, because that's the day 12 year old Janelle found out. I remember not getting out of bed that morning. It was a ritual of mine to try to *accidentally* sleep in sometimes and get driven to school late. This was not simply because I was lazy, but school was a place of extreme anxiety for me. Between unhelpful teachers just trying to pull their curriculum and students who generally didn't talk to me (and when they did it was not pleasant), I feared going to school.

Daniel, my second oldest brother finally woke me up that morning. But it wasn't until 8 or 8:30. I could immediately sense something was not right besides him saying "Janelle, Janelle, something terrible just happened last night." There was a sorrow expressed in his face, and Mark's face (my third brother standing just outside the room) that I had never seen. Not even when my grandma passed on 4 or 5 years before (on the same day).


I couldn't believe they let me sleep in while everyone was dwelling in this terrible news. I did not know much about what was going on except that there was a car accident. My parents were currently as the hospital.My first question "Is Justin alive?" was affirmed but still wasn't entirely sure what his physical state was. Daniel told me softly that they were saying he might never walk again.

The events of these two days changed the course of Justin's life and the rest of my family.

Although, what happened was quite tragic. It was hopeful. It also became a new norm in my life, so much that I became insensitive to the pain of Justin's injuries over the years. But it's hard as a teenager to see something like this through someone else's eyes rather than your self-centered spectacles.

It was hopeful, because through this event Justin was brought new life. He accepted Christ in the hospital. I am impressed with the man he has become today. He is a prayer warrior. He is more concerned with others than himself. Christ is living vibrantly within him. It of course took several years of maturity to become who he is now. I am so proud of who he is and who he was 11, 6 and 3 years ago.

He doesn't see the world as most people see it. Most people do not have to continuously depend on other people. Most people forget to depend on God. He views his accident as a blessing-- if not for this interruption he has wondered where he would be today. Justin was an extremely social, popular, partier. His mind was geared towards his own wants and own indulgences. Now he is geared toward Christ.

So although today was miserable and tomorrow will likely be too (every single year I experience spiritual warfare on this day) I need to remember who it is who is charge of this whole messy, beautiful earth and the starry heavens which look down on it. I need to remember what God is doing and has done today and yesterday and tomorrow. It is simply awe-inspiring how the Lord's redemptive grace weaves in and out of our lives. He makes all things new. He makes all things beautiful in it's time.

I look forward to not seeing this day as a curse, but as an actual blessing and I think that's in the works.

what does it mean to be poor in spirit?

Today in my reading, I somehow ended up in the Sermon on the Mount. I started reading the beatitudes and grew in wondering of what exactly Jesus meant.

What does it mean to be poor in spirit? At surface level, I think of being so self-sufficient that you do not rely on God.Surely, being rich in spirit seems to be what we should strive for, right? Because although we do not want physical wealth to plague our lives we want to develop riches in our inner man, right?

So needless to say, it threw me off when Jesus says,

"Blessed is the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

It would make sense to me if he said, "Blessed are you who are poor, because yours is the kingdom of God" as he did in the Sermon on the Plain in Luke 6.

What is the difference and what is similar about these two lines?

Commentaries are helpful because there are people out there who are well-researched, know their Greek and Hebrew, and the study of theology has been ongoing throughout history. But I did not have a commentary on me as I was looking at this at Shoes, a coffee shop in downtown Leesburg.

So before I go into what the commentaries said, take a minute and think about it for yourself. Go back to Matthew 5 and Luke 6 and meditate on it.

I meditated, and did not have an answer. I did think about how each beatitude was connected to the next one, and how the woes (in Luke 6) contrasted against the beatitudes. Two lines my eyes drew to, were

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God"

( I spent some time focusing on purity of heart. Purity is so much than abstaining from sexual sin. When I think of purity I sing the song/Psalm "Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts, let us not lift our soul to another." When we being created in a pure heart, we are seeking God's face, leaving our distractions and idols behind. I am also always taken back to David's penitential psalm,51,where towards the end he states "the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

and "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied."

(Those of who know me well or read my blog, know that I always dwell on the concept of spiritual hunger. That we do not remain self-sufficient feeding our phsyical hunger, but we continually feed on God.)

In Luke 6, the woe which was the direct antithesis of poor was "Woe to you you are rich, for you have recieved your consolation."

What would this mean in light of "poor in spirit" in Matthew 5?

"A broken spirit" would probably liken to being "poor in spirit." We can not feed our own spirits. We cannot mend ourselves back together. Jesus says "Woe to you are rich," talking about people who need nothing else, hunger for nothing else, because they are completely self-sufficient. They have no reliance on a Holy, loving God.

Back to the commentaries now:

I own a small commentary collection and I get fed up looking for thoughtful online commentaries. My bulky IVP "New Bible Commentary" very briefly overviews each chapter o the bible.

It notes quickly on "poor in spirit" on in specifics over the other beatitudes perhaps because it seems the least straight forward to the contemporary reader:

"Poor in spirit suggests the OT themes of the 'poor' or 'meek,' the oppressed people of God who, nontheless, trust in him for deliverance."

The theme presented here, is trusting in God for salvation, not yourself.

At Urbana, I bought two $2 commentaries to get my collection of commentaties of individual books of the Bible started- Luke and Acts (This is primarily due to my interest in Luke, the physician and the journalist). This commentary on Luke was written by Leon Morris (Tyndale New Testament Commentaries). Although I agree with the general jist of what he writes here, I further need to research and discern if his first assertion is indeed true). But Jesus does talk directly to someone in Luke 6, because his language is 2nd person instead of 3rd.

"Jesus looked at his disciples, to whom the following words are plainly addressed and pronounced a blessing on them as poor. He is not blessing poverty in itself...Nor is he prounouncing a blessing on one social class above all others...He is speaking of his disciples. They are poor and they know they are without resource. They rely on God, and know they must rely on him for they have nothing on their own on which to rely.It is in this spirit that in the Old Testament 'the poor' is often almost equivalent to 'the pious.' Matthew brings out this meaning with 'poor in spirit...'

In Matthew 5, Jesus is speaking to a crowd, in the 3rd person. Is this why he more specicially uses "poor in spirit" than simply "poor" when he speaks directly to his disciples? He's not saying that everyone living below the poverty line has the kingdom of heaven, but those without, who seek him instead of their things or their own self-pursuit.

I want to disagree with Leon when he says that Jesus is not talking about a social class, but in this current interpretation I have, he isn't. I do think this does have a lot of connections with Jesus' conversation with the rich, young ruler. He asks Jesus what can HE DO. After tgoing through the commandments, the young man asserts he has kept them all. But his refusual to give up all he has to follow Jesus shows that he does not adhere to the commandment to worship one God. Faced with a choice, he could not serve God above money. He could not give up what gives them comfort and happiness to rely completely on God.

There is a differentce between being poor in spirit and spiritually poor, and this man has great internal poverty that he will not even address by giving all he to God.

In this, it does show a correlation betwen the social class and being poor in spirit. Jesus goes to say that it is harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, than the camel going through the eye of a needdle. The affluent are always tempted to rely on earthly possessions and their own efforts.

This is not to glorify one class over the other, but there seems to be something daunting when people who are phsyically starving everyday can have a more vibrant relationship with Christ, than people here in America who thrive on wealth but whose things consistently drive them to distraction.

Whether physically wealthy or poor, anyone can be poor in spirit. It's just harder for some than others.Yet salvation is always a miracle of divine grace, whether or poor. It is a gift from God. Who invites use to eat his food, without money and without price.

why is it so hard to be a volunteer?

Oh, how the tables have turned. I work for a national organization that uses volunteers. We use them well, but sometimes individuals slip through the cracks. That's the devil of the non-profit, sometimes.

When I moved to Leesburg, I wanted to get plugged in as a volunteer at a food non-profit right away. That was in September. They did not touch base with me until now, and I admit, the results are disappointing. To protect privacy and preserve the integrity of the non-profit I am using ________ space instead of the names.

Hi Janelle,

I have received your application and thank you for your interest in volunteering with _____! We have a very active group of over 200 volunteers who help us serve our community in the fight against hunger. If it were not for the kindness of individuals like you, we could not do it! Please know how grateful we are that you are interested in helping us in our efforts. At the present time however, all our volunteer positions are full. I will keep your application on file and if an appropriate position opens up, I will contact you to see if you are still interested. In the meantime, food is always our primary need so please feel free to peruse our website for food drive information throughout the year.

Again, thank you for thinking of us & Happy New Year.

Best regards,
_________

Here is my response:

_______,

I turned in my application in September and must admit I am quite disappointed to wait until January to hear from you. I work for a non-profit as well, so I understand that things can be slow at times, but might if you had reviewed my application in September, there could have been a position opened between then and now?

I am very passionate for the cause of food and hunger and would like to do more in the community, but there never seems to be openings to do anything, anywhere. It is tragic to me that there are so many people willing to help and give a hand but no opportunities available to do anything. I know there are needs at different places. I know there are still needs in the community. When it takes an application to do anything and have it not even be looked at, it's rather discouraging.

I am not faulting you. I know you are very busy and you are working for a great cause and I admire all the work you do at ________. I just wish there was more I could do to engage the community. Even my preferences marked on that application might have even changed since I applied in September. I do not even remember what I marked. I have lots of flexibility to do anything ________ needs. I am just simply hungry for an opportunity to do something in my community rather than sit around at home in the evenings, staring at a computer screen or watching tv.

Thank you for your time.

Janelle

a good reminder

Two, almost 3 years ago, I went to Kenya. Today I was blessed to get an e-mail from a nun who worked at the center my Global Project group stayed with. I couldn't believe she remembered me. I remember her vaguely. I remember having a somewhat in depth conversation with her but I can't even remember her face. Funny how those things tend to happen. We can forget a face, but people in our memories still have a name.

I want to share her e-mail to me and my response back to her (she calls me janello because that's in my e-mail address).

Dear Janello,
Merry Christmas and HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010.
Hope with God's loving care you and your friends had a blessed Christmas seasson. So to me.

I wonder wether you still remember me? May I remind you.
I am Sr. Rozina Kimaro. We met at Watakatifu Wote Senta in Ngong Diocese, Kenya. You came there with Global Group and you and Sarah visited Kibera Slum in Nairobi.
I think the experience you got from Kibera it is still alive with you. Those poor families the way they struggle to survive. Lets continue pray for them and help them whenever possible.

Back to me I am now serving Technical Vocation Centre for Youths boys and girls in Tanzania. It is called ST. ANTHONY VOCATIONAL TRAINING CENTRE. Owned by the Diocese of Musoma in northern Tanzania, along Lake Victoria shore.
Our centre is a boarding. We have about 150 youths, out of whom 81 are either orphan or most vulnerable. Most of the students are coming from very poor families. Our objective is to empower them with technical skills so that they can employ themselves.

When you visit East Africa again dont hasitate to meet us.
Pass my sincere greetings to your friend Sarah. I will love to hear from you and to know your mission right now.
Stay blessed.
Regards,
Sr. Rozina.


Sister Rozina,

Yes, I do remember you. How delightful it is to hear from you.

You are right, my experience from Kibera still is alive in me as much as it is easy to forget it, living in an affluent culture with various distractions surrounding me everyday. Thank you for the reminder to continue in prayer for the families in Kibera.

It has been hard for me to integrate my experience in Kenya back into the United States. Especially after graduation from college, I had to acquire a job, pay the bills and it's made me very busy and simply living for myself. I recently went to the Urbana missions conference in St. Louis, Missouri. This is a conference which InterVarsity Christian Fellowship with International Fellowship of Evangelical Students puts on every 3 years. I got to see Brian and Debbie Lee and various other students who were on the same Global Project. While there, God woke my spirit back up to himself and to issues of poverty around the world and on the homefront.

Coming back from the conference, I have been trying to place these things I've been re-learning into application. I am revitalizing my prayer life, waking up earlier in the morning to pray. I recently heard a sermon on the importance of intercession, and I admit, I so often pray for myself more than I pray for others. I am re-developing the discipline to pray for others, and so I will committ to praying for the families in Kibera.

What you are doing at St. Anthony sounds wonderful and much needed in the Kingdom. Bwana Asifiwe! What kind of vocational skills are they being taught? I will pray for you in your ministry and particularly for the orphans as they learn helpful trades, which they can hopefully carry with them. How can I specifically pray for you?

Right now, I am working as an administrator for a non-profit which is advocating to add a parental rights amendment to the U.S. Constitution so families can continue to be protected in America. It is great to work for a cause I believe in but I would like to do direct ministry to the poor in the United States or maybe abroad. I want to work in a ministry which teaches people from low-income communities how to cook and garden/farm (particularly not a lot of people in the U.S. knows how to do these basic things). Please pray for me as I apply to different programs this year which will hopefully equip me for this mission.

Thank you for e-mailing me and reminding me of Kibera and prayer. If God brings me back to East Africa, I will be sure to visit you. I am sending your greetings on to Sarah. She will be blessed to hear from you, as I also am.

Salama,
Janelle

young, alone, in the wealthy wilderness

In the Bible, the wilderness is not often described as a place of wealth. It's a desert, it's wild, there's little water or bread.

My wilderness is not physically deprived. It's wealthy. Affluent.

I pay attention to things. I spent the whole evening looking at things people put in their homes. Some are quite ornate and brilliant looking but have no point but then to be brilliant and ornate looking.

I spend money. Money on myself. Money on other people. Hey, it's the Christmas and holiday season. I work up to 60 hours week for it. I feel as though it's well-deserved.

I pay attention to my looks. Assess myself in the mirror. I am happy when I look skinnier or I drop a size. I get upset when I can only squeeze into those jeans.

I pay attention to my social life. I have lots of friends all over the area. It's not hard for me to find something to do over the weekend. I love being around people, and meeting new people. I am even getting better at small talk.

I pay attention to culture. I somewhat keep up with books, music and movies. I pride myself on my knowledge of these things and, depending on the crowd, that knowledge does well in small talk.

I have nothing to hunger for, nothing to thirst. I can go grocery shopping whenever I want. Sometimes I go without eating. Not because I purposely do to lose weight. I get busy. Wrapped up in other things. I ignore a basic human need to fulfill my vanities. Whether it's reading in a coffee shop, watching a movie, or updating facebook status (not like any of these are bad in itself).

I think it's funny with how much I love food (it's my passion), I put off this instinct to eat so often. But I find it even more strange how it parallels with my spiritual life ( and that could write itself a novel).

One of the things I am most hungry for is love. I don't mean love between a man and a woman (although, one day, that would be nice). I mean the love between any two human beings. A love that's found in close-knit community- in family, in friends, even in neighbors. A love thats spurred on by God's love in us.

I don't feel like I have that most of the time. Every once in awhile I do feel that, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude and glee that people could love me so and I could love them. I know people love me, and there are people out there I love very dearly.

Nowadays, I don't live on a college campus anymore, and I don't live at home with my parents. Being single and independent is quite liberating in a lot of different ways. But it's also lonely.

I love taking communion- the love that's expressed in it is multilateral. You see an image of Christ's love for you and you share in it with others. At my church back home and in my Leesburg church, communion is often shared by families. A whole family walks up and takes communion together. I love it.

But when I am at my Leesburg church, I am by myself. I don't have a direct family. It's strange. Sometimes I go up with a family I sit with, and sometimes by myself. I feel gratitude for that family letting me in on this time, but I also wish that there was someone beside me who WAS family.

I have family everywhere. By blood and by friendship.

Being single and independent in northern VA, I mourn my loss. Of course I have them. But it's not immediate. I don't wake up next to even my dog. I don't smell my dad's eggs in the morning. I don't have a husband to confide in, nor a best friend close by.

I felt this loss deeply at a Christmas tree lighting. It was just a silly, non-climatic half hour of my life-- but in that time I saw families, neighbors, friends-- people who were connected together. None who I knew. I was there alone, and a stranger in the place. I have only been in Leesburg a few months. When I used to go to things like this by myself, I would stumble into people. Even if it's a friend you're not intentional with, you feel connected and you feel loved when you can go somewhere at random will and find people there.

This is my wilderness. Leesburg. And I love this place. Don't get me wrong. But here, I am thirsty and hungry, and it's hard to find any food. Distracted by technology, materials, and work, I keep myself there, just like anyone else. I have found a church where I think I can find a family and I think I only went once in the whole month of November.

I have family. They're scattered everywhere. I go to Manassas, Burke, Arlington, Newport News and everywhere else to see them. I have family all over the country, even throughout the world.

But I need family here. But, when will I try to fill this hunger?

I am hungry for..

-God, Jesus, Spirit- three in one

-Community achieved on a deeper level

-Scripture- I have kind of been at a loss of where to start lately

-to be satisfied in my singleness

-to lay aside my hunger to be in a relationship to pursue more important things

(putting God back as #1, justice, righteousness, closer friendships)

-the pursuit of close and intentional friendships (especially where I am currently located)

-fellowship with other women

-responsibility

-playtime

-good reads

-to feel beautiful and know that I am

- a continuous prayer life

- to become what I am meant to be in Christ

- a lack of apathy to pursue these things

I am grateful for..

(in no particular order)

New clothes

seeing Laura McGrath (being encouraged by her, and being vulnerable)

being able to switch cars with my dad so I do not exceed miles on my car lease

finally getting to go on a movie date with the Seegers

seeing my best friend Bekah

the fact that two of my best friends are dating

encouraging Frontline sermons

finding a little church to go to in Leesburg

the church family I still have in other places

a God who sees me as beautiful, rather than a crooked, ugly thing

my parents' relentless sacrifices

having a bedroom to go back to at my parents' house

being able to eat food on a somewhat more regular basis

being able to lay down and rest when I am sick

being able to help feed a family in need for Thanksgiving

being able to make direct contact with them

being inspired by small things

listening to good music is always therapeutic

getting engrossed in movies with weak plots and bad acting just to spend time with my dad

having friends nearly everywhere i go

seeing the miracle that is my older brother, Justin

a God who will not forget me even when I don't see him

a week of thanks, giving, and food

Suddenly, I have a new appreciation for Thanksgiving this year.

Early years-- it was never a big deal. It was a good time to hang with family, especially if relatives came but the constant consumption of football put a damper on things. I always fought to watch the parade and start watching Christmas movies. I also fought to play games. Sometimes they would appease one of these notions or make me watch my movie in the other room. I never liked watching movies alone on Thanksgiving. On good memory was of my cousins coming one year (cousins who I had only met once as a very small child) and one of them watching Little Nicky with me. Yes, an awful movie, but the fact that I had a family member who would prefer bad movie over football meant a lot. A

Also, I always hated Thanksgiving food. Turkey and cranberry sauce has never done it for me. My favorite food memory was when my grandma came to also hates this kind of food. We had lasagna.

While in college, it was a great time to catch up with family but a major roadblock in getting your work done. Thanksgiving marked the time huge papers were due or would be. It always was an issue going home to bring work with me or not. There was always so much work to do during this holiday.

Last year, I worked at Starbucks. We were given a list and we had to choose 3 holidays to work. Since I did not choose Thanksgiving, I thought I was in the clear. But then I got scheduled to work 4am on Black Friday. What a sham-- that should've been one of the holidays on the list.

On Tday, I ate a big meal, drank some wine, and then went to bed. It was a good night's sleep.

This year, Thanks giving has new meaning. I have been working almost 60 hour weeks due to having two jobs. Because the coffee shop job I now have is on a college campus, we're closed down for the whole week of Thanksgiving. Also, I have a two day holiday from my full-time job.

I am delighting in the amount of free time I have this week, but in recieving this blessing I want to use it to bless others.

If you would like to be involved in a Thanksgiving week food delivery, please let me know.

As far as other things I want to do this week- more frivolous, but enjoyable things, I have constructed a list:

It may seem like a lot. And I probably won't do all of these, but many of them are passive enough. Everything with a star means I would love to do this with someone else. Let me know!

Watch season 1 of Arrested Development on Hulu*

read two books I just bought

go to funky coffee shops and read or hang out*

pick a book of the Bible to start reading*

learn a cool recipe to cook up for Tday

eat the food in my fridge*

start looking for Christmas gifts*

pray about missional opportunities

watch at least 3 movies I haven't seen*

write one entry on my food blog

write one entry on my personal blog(done)

look further into grad schools

sleep a normal schedule

find new bands to listen to

journal a lot

straighten my hair

catch up on my bills

clean and vacuum my car

consider Christmas decorations*

but then..

list everything I'm grateful for.

(As trite as it sounds to do this time of year, thinking about the things in life you are thankful for is tremendously beneficial for you, your relationship with God and your relationship with people. I am thankful for the opportunity to do all these things on the list which I ordinarily do not have all the free time for.)

and finally

list everything I am hungry for

(I am not talking about food. I am taking about maintaining the wellness of our whole selves. As human beings, we are all hungry for something and never satisfied. Sometimes we do not even realize what we are hungry for. We need to step back from our lives for a moment and look into them with new eyes. I need new eyes to see and new ears to hear. I need a refreshed heart with purpose, passion and vision. I think analyzing what we are not getting our fill of does help. This can be done in several ways. A couple years ago, I took a vision fast. I broke myself away from the computer, away from food besides fruits and water and sought God's will for my life. Looking back, I admire the zeal I had. I don't have this same impassioned pursuit today. God did not give me any clear answers, but he did give me a direction which caused me not to apply for certain ministry roles. I was hungry for vision. And in that case, I actually made myself physically hungry to feed myself.)

my movie star life

I have not written on here in awhile. Most of my thoughts and reflections have been too private and personal, even to write in a journal. I have avoided journaling because of the personal connection between your experiences, thoughts and emotions that writing evokes.

So I make it a movie.

I know I am not alone in this. Particularly in this cultural milieu, everyone seems to do it. It makes things more comfortable for me and gives it more order. If I can arrange my life as narrative, then it makes it more like a story than my life in actuality. So I have frames which constantly flash in mind, in and out. It's hard to translate them to paper because they're so photographic, however I do keep an accompanying novel along with the movie up in my head.

Where does this come from? I am idealistic and in many movies the plots work out toward the ultimate ideals. In my movies, I am gorgeous and every guy is in love with me. Of course, this is only partially true. :) In real life, I am only half as attractive as I imagine myself and I better hope that they don't like me because my camera's too unfocused. In my movies, I can make every scene more romantic or more lively. I can make it more whimsical, more magical. I can pretend. I can make believe that life is extraordinary without actually living an extraordinary life.

I think I would rather live an extraordinary life then pretend.

Movies also help shape other circumstances in my life-- those that I don't bring up in casual conversation, because they've affected me too strongly to even know how to bring up to people while relating their actual effects on me. I can make my life a drama, a black comedy, a journey film. I can re-create my journey to make it less real. I can place montages in the proper places, as building blocks of myself.

I love a good montage. Live my life according to song.

This way of seeing life may be seem creative, even constructive and slightly amusing, but all it does is create a 4th wall between myself and my life. It creates distance. Even that, self-absorption, because I am more engrossed in my own life than anyone else's. I can leave myself on a cloud and drift for awhile.

My flesh loves to do this. My spirit hates it. My spirit tells me that there's a lot more than modern day defense mechanisms, and that the movie life is not all what it seems.

ChurchinFlux

I want to direct you to a blog I am gonna be a part of, for no purposes other than initiating discussion of matters of the universal Church. This is something that my heart and mind is heavily invested in: I invite you to be a follower or even a contributor. Hopefully everyone will contribute by discussing matters, but I am specifically looking for people who want to lend blogs to this site. I am not very good at blog upkeep, obviously. I also don't want this blog to be focused on one sole contributor and her individualized opinions. I would like everyone to become a part of this.

churchinflux.blogspot.com

where i am

Life comes with decisions and making decisions involves human motivations. I think I most fear my motivations.

However, I am beginning to let go. Release my guilt and shame upon the Cross and leave it there.

When I was scared of my motivations, it was hard to move forward, to make any big steps. But I feel somewhat ready now.

People often misunderstand my need for change. I don't hate Manassas. I am simply there. I don't feel any strong love for it, but there is no longer any dislike or discord between me and this place. I have existed back here for over a year, and I feel good and healthy about where I am now. I have come a long way.


This long year has carried a lot of sorrow. It's not quite a Job-like sorrow where he has everything, loses all of it, but faithfully seeks after God. I did not have everything, I lost some of what I had and for a good long while, after a lot of loud, boisterous yelling- I halted my seeking after Him. I just couldn't care anymore. Everything was hopeless. I sought my own understanding of things. I was more like the reflections of Solomon's life in Ecclesiastes.

Like Solomon, I had a lot of knowledge but I had pretention I passed off as wisdom. And that knowledge led to much grief, and that grief led to much dying. I let go of knowledge, and letting go of it was one of the best things I could do (even though I feel dumb). I am not saying I have stopped pursuing learning. I just don't strive to know everything and be the highly exalted enlightened one. I don't care about it anymore. It means absolutely nothing to me.

This year has involved a lot of letting go. There are some things I still need to let go of. God and I spoke together and we are on the same page--I know what I need to let go of. But it's the hardest challenge I have, and the one I feel the most pathetic talking about. But it's an idol that I always seek after instead of God. My seeking has to go toward a better direction.

Manassas is an odd town. And there are things I love about it. I know I eventually will leave- how and when are two things which remain a foggy mystery.

Hating a place and just simply knowing you don't belong are two different things. I am not meant to live here for a long time. But I will enjoy my time here.

How does one be content and discontent at the same time about where they are? I don't know, but that's where I am right now. I am perfectly happy, but striving forward. I know there's more for me out there. At one point my growth here will cease being and it will be time to move. It will not be out of discord. I will not cut myself off from Manassas.

I will not disappear off the face of the planet...but one day soon, it'll be time to walk forward.

In regards to the metro and missing children in Northern Uganda

This is only 2nd draft, so please keep that in mind. It has a lot of different trails, even though there's one main flow. There's still a lot of "tell" when there should be "show". But please, gimme feedback- I love it.

In and out of waking
My dad asked me about last night's
event, excited by the excitement I
presented the day before.
My dad only heard defensive tones.
I was not good at covering
I had nothing real to say.
But dad
grew to learn more about
the cause than I,
in just a 2 hour sitting
He did not recognize
my typical tone.
Enthused, he kept asking
what I'd do
what is next- letter to a Senator?
petitioning my friends? Giving money
to a run-down African village?

I couldn't see our faces. Only clearly
remember the voice tones-
the passion he carried shot down
the apathy I tried to hide.

The night before, I was on the metro
going over in my head a million times
what had just occurred.

I joined the choir of voices raised high,
and sat with friends on the hot lawn- I
was grateful for my boho sundress-
which allowed relief and made me stick out
through hundreds of the same t-shirt.
Taking pictures- I held back my sneezes-as
I was so glad to hold the banner high
(but what did it say again?)

And then came the bang,
that lit up the sky,
and I would see the heart of God.

People squealed and ran toward their possessions.
I wanted to stay through the first rain.

We came back together and a familiar voice started
speaking- so soft and foreign and eloquent.
I had known this voice in prior travels, but
barely paid attention.

The second rain struck our heads as he finished.
One by one my friends decided to go, and everyone
scattered. I knew the rain would cease, and the evening
would bring beauty. I knew sometimes you just gotta
go into things alone.

But when they disappeared, I did too.
Fled with new friends -- up the mall we went!
I held them back from running- a hiking backpack, yoga mat
and messenger bag- slowed me down.

It was raining again, before we reach the
Smithsonian stop- soaked when I climbed aboard-
everyone else was so dry.
Wet hair, muddy feet, trash bag dress-
as if I was a life-time nomad.

All the way home, I did not
consider the missing children.
Simply my lonliness...
and wondering where my adventure went.

It was the same old story
of every good deed I've ever done
I shared the Vienna ride with
a proper elderly couple-
(I shared my seat with the Mr.
when the train was too full).
And yapping teenage girls, and
the people
who go to the right school,
wear the right clothes
and have the right manners-
maybe I should've gotten off somewhere else.

I wasn't there to help-
I looked ready to be helped.
No missing dream people enchanted the train though-
except maybe me.

ughhh

I've inadvertently watched an unhealthy amount of movies the past few days dealing directly with quirky, slightttttly immature people and relationships.

It's good to know I'm not alone.

everything is loss (uh-oh) but I know you can give to the Lord

So goes the lyrics by one of my faves, Sufjan Stevens.

It rings so true in my life. Over this past year, I've gone through significant loss. I don't want to scare anyone who is about to graduate college, but I will tell you, be prepared.

One of my friends and I are going through a Beth Moore study on John: The Beloved Disciple. A year ago, I wouldn't be caught dead reading Beth Moore. Not because I knew anything about her or her theology, but because of a cheesy book title I saw from her, entitled "Get yourself out of that PIT." She's on the front cover, all made up and perfect looking with a big goofy grin, and in typical Janelle-fashion, I judged her and stuck my nose up at reading any of her bible study books.

But nevertheless, I am doing this study. One thing I like about it is that it's really quick and easy- a characteristic of a bible study I used to disdain. But it makes so non-threatening and approachable which is perfect for this time of my life. Except, her questions are not easy.

I stumbled over this following question yesterday. Not having any words. Not having any knowledge. I like to think of myself as someone with a lot of knowledge, but I came up empty-handed here:

What have you learned from seasons of separation - those moments when change and transition leave you feeling at a loss?

When I read that question and considered its implications, I wanted to throw the 2 pound book across the room. But I just stared at it, not knowing the answer. No words came up. I who normally have words for everything.

The loss of a college environment may seem to some to be insignificant. But, boy, it hasn't been for me. Everyday I get ready for work and drive my car an hour rather than riding Lady Green through campus, I feel like I've lost a huge part myself. I enjoyed a sizable amount of freedom to be who I wanted to be in college and I generally felt accepted.

I don't feel free here. And I am not blaming my church, work, friends or anyone around here. It's just so routine. And there were so many things I did in college that I don't feel at ease to do anymore.

If you're still in college and reading this, please don't take for granted what you have. I'm sure you commuter students have a totally different experience which won't amount to as much loss when you're done. But for those of you who are away at school and flourishing in your college environment, count your blessings.

Right now, I am beginning to let go. I am striving forward to find complete freedom in knowing Jesus Christ- and allowing my spirit to flourish through Him alone. I guess that's what I'm learning through my loss and my forever long transition period.

^"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."- Phillippians 3: 7-11

one day, i shall write a book on laughter

Would if you were given the capacity to see all of life's events, rather dramatic, traumatic or light-hearted, through humorous eyes?

is this strength? weakness?



both?


Though I may have a peculiarly weighty heart, I say everything with the same ironic tone. Because I view happiness and pain as directly linked co-existors. One cannot be without the other. So they are equal co-partners in delivering life's hearty laughter (I am one who has had to keep myself from laughing at a funeral).

I don't see this perspective as dark or cynical. I see it as accepting of all circumstances, but can be easily mis contrived on several many ocassions. Even when laughter is healthy, we need to practice caution in how and when we execute it.