Man, I hate it when people are not straight with me.
If someone thinks something will hurt me and doesn't tell me something because of that, that makes me feel worse then whatever news they weren't going to tell me. It says that I can't handle being hurt. And really, I get hurt most when people aren't straight with me. Whatever it is, by itself, is not normally a big deal to me. Not at all. This particular thing would've been nothing if EVERYONE involved who knew, just told me.

And I hate, hate, hate it when people make assumptions. Just because I don't make plans leap years ahead of time doesn't mean I won't make plans. And people need to tell me when they make plans that effect me. Because it EFFECTS me. It hurts most when I just happen to incidentally find out stuff just from browsing on facebook.

I am not someone who gets hurt quite often. Let me rephrase, I don't let people hurt me. I don't let people in quite enough to effect me. I know that's wrong. I know I need to be effected by people. That's part of life. But I usually don't until something escalates. And then I remember everything. And that's when it sucks the most.

Why do I feel like no one ever likes to truthfully communicate with me? I am very truthful and honest about my feelings when people just ask. And it's not like I'm ever imply, "Bitch, why you eff me up like that? You'll have nothing to do with me anymore!"

For example, I used to like a boy. (This is different from what was driving my anger expressed above). I liked him for awhile. I never told him when I did because I didn't want to be effected by a possible negative response. Well, it turns out he caught drift that I might like him, and thus avoided me. Just because of the possibility that I might read him the wrong way if he hung around. And I might've. But why couldn't both of us ever be straight about this, until it after past, and I said something? He's apologized for being a jerk about the avoidance, but I just shrugged it off like it was ok. And it wasn't, at least when I liked him, it wasn't. Why couldn't I just say that. Why do I always have to say that everything is ok? When I'm not OK! In keeping my usual distance from people, I had to shrug him off and not let his response effect me, cause guess what, emotions would have to be dealt with. I would have to deal with actual, non-passive, but active emotions.

So even when I try, and (this is not even the matter driving this entry) my distance does not allow me to be 100% straight with people, and they can't be straight with me. Why can't we all just learn how to communicate? Why do we have to be so sneaky?

It was hard for me to ask questions. It's easier for me to avoid the answers.

In one of my favorite movies, Amelie, the protagonist has to face this. Same as I, she doesn't want a reality check. She'd rather either be anonymously helping people or caught up in the own world she's created around her.

Towards the end, a friend gives her helpful advice, though not even in person but through the media of a video tape.

"So, my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton."

In this context, this applies to a romantic situation she finds herself pursuing and then running away from. But this also applies to just about every interpersonal situation we find ourselves in. We or other people act like we are more fragile than in reality. And all that results from it is a dry, cold heart, distant from letting anyone truly infiltrate.


And so I, Janelle, must find some way out of this world I've found myself falling dreamily into. Maybe then people won't treat me as though I'm so fragile. Maybe then I can let people in.

The semester's coming to a close, and you know how I feel all this time went?
Wasted. wasted in crap. in not doing the things i really wanted.

anyhow, i feel totally withdrawn from campus life. and i can think of a few factors that we can plug in.

1) i live in a house, not in any residence halls
2) i'm in organizations that serve a narrow scope of people. not like they aren't great. i love them. but there is something i'm missing.
3) i'm an upperclassmen and so I don't give a crap (but then when I miss out, I do).
4) i am not yet totally immersed in my major. but unlike other majors, english people don't seem to be very social. at least with each other.

and so, there may be more. but those are the main things i can think of. i really like living in a house. i love the privacy. the intimacy. the space i have even if i have a small room (there's so many places in the house where my crap piles up).


and i mean, i know a lot of people. but I don't KNOW a lot of people. and it's so hard for me to crawl out of my turtle shell and reach the ones who I kinda sorta know. and i have very few guy friends. i mean, i have lots of guy friends. but as far as guys who i'm comfortable casually asking to hang out with me, there are 2, or 3. and i love them, but i am also sick of them. (i know, i know. but i think we all from time to time get sick of our good friends).

and as far as girl friends go. i have some very close friends. and i have enough. but. all of them are christians. all of them who i am close to. and i even spread myself out thinly between all my christian girl friends, when really, i should be branching out beyond them. but i get so dang comfortable in that group, cause they're accepting of my beliefs. it shouldn't be hard for me to hang around people with different beliefs and it isn't. but it's hard for me to get close to them, so i don't spend a lot of time hanging with them. probably because i'm scared. i'm scared of girls. they either are a) too catty b) too intimidating c) too petty. or all of the above. and then there's d) that a girl is actually a pretty cool person but spends her time doing things i wouldn't do and so in my mind, since i'm not comforable hanging out with her while doing these things, i place judgement on her, even though i don't act like i do.

and it's all wrong.

my scope of friends is way too narrow. i don't want to thin myself out to much. i just want to be more open to be better friends with people, that don't necessarily fall in my zone of comfort.

so as far as the non-christian clubs i'm in- cnu tonight, ecology, citizens of the world...i mean i only see these people in meetings...and aside from that don't really think about hanging out with them. or i mean to, and then i don't. or i'm shy. but even with being in these clubs, the whole friendship thing is still kinda outside my zone of comfort. and i want to go there, but i don't.

where is this bringing me too?

oh man. i'm gonna hear it for this. good thing not many people read this blog.

i'm thinking of joining a sorority.

haha. i know me, janelle. i'm an anti sorority queen. i have never been a fan of any of the things they do, cause it seems too silly and petty. except philanthropy. that's actually kinda cool. i have soroity friends who don't talk to me about rushing 'cause they know after all this time, i'll say no. they might shyly mention an event once in awhile and i'll act all nice about it and not show up. and sorority girls piss me off. don't get me wrong. i know some cool sorority girls who don't fit the mold. but being in a sorority means i get to deal with those girly, feminine, catty, materialistic archetypes i so love to avoid. or roll my eyes at in disgust.

plus joining a sorority means following conventions and rules. wearing my t-shirt with all of my sisters the same day. dressing up in cute party clothes i don't have. paying money for friends. joining a cult.

so why would i want to join a sorority?

sisterhood. i have sisterhood with my friends in christ. but no one else. i feel so exclusive. i feel so cut off. maybe it's time to let down my guard. to let down all the pretense, all the negative feelings i have. to lose my pride in my identity, for a new gain. to be actively involved something that requires me to go out and do stuff (cause believe me, it's hard doing it on your own). i really feel that next semester, i might just rush.


i cannot believe i'm thinking this. where is my mind? i don't even have the money for this.