i posted this on myspace...but it deserves better than that

In only 14 days, I will be on a plane taking me to Nairobi, Kenya. I am in utter disbelief. Which is actually leading me into complete belief. Without God, this wouldn't be possible at all.

God. Creator of all things. The author and perfector of my faith. Alpha. Omega. The Great I am. My savior and redeemer.

Why then, why do I want to steal his glory?

Me. A whiny, slightly pretentious (sometimes judgmental), self-absorbed 21 year old.

I realized the reason. Or God enlightened me, cause any good thing I cannot come to on my own.
The things I have been doing in my Christian walk are often meant to make myself feel more significant.

There it is. This is probably the reason why I get so hesitant to do anything in faith that might make me seem so offensive, like share the gospel with a friend. Because most of the time, I am only looking out for myself and my own reputation. I want to be the hero.

But I'm not. Only Jesus can be.

In my head, I want to recognize God as the one who is doing all things but I often want to steal the credit. I read lots of christian books, keep up slightly on theology, trying to enlighten myself as much as I can to become aware. But how often do I actually look to God for enlightenment? Not very often. How much time do I spend in prayer over these things? Not a lot. Usually I make a decision and then pray for God's approval. This is wrong. First, I must pray. First, I must seek the kingdom of God and THEN these things will be added unto me.

I have become a humanist. Meaning I pretty much deify humans along with God. That is wrong. Only God can be God. Who am I to think I am anymore enlightened than anyone else? I am just another fool.

When I was at InterVarsity Rockbridge camp a couple weeks ago, I was in this track that went through the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5,6,7). It surprised me how much I could identify with the hypocrites. Basically, a hypocrite is someone who does all the right things but does it for self-glorification. Jesus says that when they come to him, he will say "I do not know you."
That got me good. I want Jesus to know me. I want to know him. And not just with the head knowledge, but intimately knowing him with my heart.

God has taught me a lot already about trusting in him and being completely dependent. I am fully funded for Kenya, and I consider that a miracle of God. I could not at all do it on my own.
I consider fundraising a time of growing closer to God because as well as that, I had a million other stresses in my life. Finishing the semester. Family. stuff like that. I realized that when I started to talk to God like a crying child, not as an educated, opinionated student asking him for complete dependence that I was awakened to all that he was doing and has been doing.

I write this blog in hopes that you will pray for me in this regard as I go off to Kenya this summer. The end result of this trip (and EVERYTHING I do) will be to bring glory to God. That this would become a great desire of mine. I also write this in hopes that you will be encouraged in wherever you are in your journey.

--Janelle

This is the time people are advised not to write blogs: when they're frickin pissed off out of their minds.

Yet writing is therapy for me.

I hate Manassas. I hate, hate, hate it. I hate how it has nothing to offer. I hate how little I feel genuine authenticity from people. I hate how people remind me of things I said 4 months ago and try to make an argument out of it. I hate how my "belief system" is considered wrong by most other christians I meet. Just because I'm not conservative. Just because I think there's something more to things than culture wars, homosexuality, pro-life/pro-choice and war. I hate it.

Now that I got that out of my system...


I did like church this morning. And there were some parts I had to accept despite my prejudices (I find it sorta weird to sing about America in church even if it Memorial Day weekend). But I pushed those all aside because I knew they weren't the point. I knew it was only a minor detail and something to look past to not focus on things I view negatively but things I view positively. I so often like to be negative and forget about all the positive points of life. I sat there knowing, hey I really like this congregation! The people there are the most real, genuine people I know in Manassas and possibly anywhere. I could feel the authenticity during worship and I could sense it during the sermon and it was overflowing from people who I caught up with after the service was over. And I had my past prejugdices with this church because I thought it was too conservative or charismatic. But I really enjoyed my time there today.