Saturday, November 18, 2006

My life this week was filled with intentional action. It feels good to be off my feet for once.

One thing, is that, I don't get involved with the campus cultural pursuits all too much. Strange because I am a person filled with passion for cultural things, but I don't partake in a lot of things that go on at my Campus (I guess one reason is that I sometimes feel like CNU is a joke anyways. But in fact, the students and faculty have been stepping up lately to make it a better place.)


So where is this bringing me to? I submitted some of my work to Currents, the campus literary magazine. Something I never thought to do before this semester, even though I love to write. Yesterday, even before the deadline, I found 3 poems that weren't too confessional (as every piece I write is either confessional or uber confessional), and then, inspired, I wrote another. I submitted four them. Even if they don't make it in, I still feel good about engaging myself in the campus arts culture. I hide too often in the christian sub-culture here.


I guess my free verse always shows that not much time is put into my piees. But I can't help but the love the fluidity of free verse so much more than imposed structure. Someday, I'll get into the pattern of rhyme scales, sonnets and iambic petameter. It's called English 353 (poetry writing) and it'll kick my butt.

With that said, I wrote this yesterday. In 10 minutes.

Here I am,
At last!
All alone.
The constant noise
of people flittering about
has now past.
Here I am.

What to do now?

When I’m with people
I talk
and listen
express
make jokes
share stories
share heartaches
play.
free being who I am
with everyone
but me.

now here I am.
alone again
free from the
social anxieties of the day
but wait.
anxiety is still a person
and here I am.
all alone.
a voice from within shouts out
“Stupid! Stupid!
You are stupid filth.”
I tremble,
and I cry,
and cry out
or I feel nothing at all
the pain is numb.
when I cry, I know I’m alive.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Slum Communities and a Vision for Winter Break

I want to go to Urbana. But right now, it doesn't look possible with needing to have a job for winter break, and needing money for a possible missions trip this summer. Afterall, that is what this conference is about, missions. So I will pick spending a ton of money on a missions trip over spending a ton of money for a conference about missions. But I still really wish I were going, especially when I discovered International Justice Mission this morning, and realized they're speaking at the conference. Then, I realized that a whole track at Urbana is about slum communities. I was looking through the track, and it seems really powerful and moving. And also disturbing. In a good, thought-provoking way. It made me really wish that I could go to Urbana. And then I started praying about it.

And God told me that I can start where I am. That I have resources available to help me investigate and educate myself, if I really took the time on my own to pray and care about it, it could be so much more valuable to me. And then, when my friends who go to Urbana come back, they'll have at least one person who is like-minded who they can talk to about Urbana, sharing with me the things that God taught them, so that I can learn, as I share with them whatever God has been teaching me.

I am dedicating my winter break to God. To even in my shallow, suburban surroundings, to learn about his Kingdom, and to pay attention to it. To paying attention to the places, the margins, where churches so often ignore people. Not only will I spend time when I'm not in work, reading about the slums to educate myself. Which will be Good. But I'm gonna do something. I need to something. I need to stop being inactive.

Here's the plan-
Take every Saturday off from work. Go to DC. Into the most wretched parts. Talk to people. Feed people. Listen to them. Love them.

Cause Jesus would.

I am not sure how this will look yet. I am looking into finding a missions organization based in DC to work with. Also, going alone would freak out my parents. One little girl wandering around the DC ghetto doesn't sound very good. I want to find other people to do this with me. Who is committed. Every Saturday.

Anyone want in?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

crying has been good. i have been crying a lot.

my apathy that has been defining me is slowly dissipating.

on that same note of apathy, my play is coming along. i was pretty frusterated,because i had writers block for a good two or three weeks.

i am in a desperate search for jobs. one for winter break, and one for when i come back from winter break. i have always taken my parents income for granted. now is the time for me to step up. i am scared though. part-time work and i have always clashed. they want you to have a particular mindset that goes against every grain of my being. i speak a tad bit too dramatically sometimes, but part-time work does not get along with me. on the other hand, there are certain jobs out there i can do, but those require a college education most of the time. part-time, let me get by jobs are shit. i hate them. but i need to suck it up and just do it.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

i want to go to Kenya. this summer.

if it's in God's will, i am sure it can happen.

money is an issue. but it isn't.

i'm taking everything into consideration.

1) God provides
2) Trust God
3) think of the rich, young ruler
4) investigate my resources
- i can get a job over break -
-it's an IV global project (therefor my IV chapter must help me raise the money).
-if i do STIM, i can raise money with a group, communally.
- i have a friend who wants to do it too, and we're gonna pray about it. (aside from the fact the trip requires 2 people from the same school)

The description sounds rockin'. I would get to live with church leaders, i will get to work with other students, i would possibly get the chance to teach kids in orphanages.

and i just need to get out of this culture. and learn about a new one. or ones (as kenya has much diversity).


now, i need to convince my parents.

and pray.

praylikemad.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

This weekend. I could probably write 20 pages about it. But, I'll keep it brief, biblical, and beneficial.

It was Intervarsity 222 conference, pretty much right down the road. I did not want to go. I was set against it. It was the last thing I wanted to do.

I finally decided to go. And for my track, I did journey. Which was good, very basic. And I needed that. So badly.

It seems that part of me has forgotten what it is to be a Christ follower. Lately, I've been too comfortable screaming in the dark. This weekend, I made a serious recommittment. And I'm determined to follow through.

There's so much to say.

1) I always forget...

grace + nothing= right standing with God

2) silence is golden. I should spend more time in silence before God to actually listen to him. there's so much noise. especially music and technology (this stupid computer).

3) the story of the prodigal son really gets to me. it really irks my flesh (Luke 15). It always seemed to me that the lost son got more reward than the loyal son. in my life, i've felt like the loyal son. and then part of me still feels like the lost son, even though I've always been at "home". ugh. i don't feel like typing out everything about this passage right now. so if you want more unloaded, just ask.

3) i have real problems with anger. i have a cold heart, especially towards other girls. my relationships with the same gender are just not as close as they should be. i harbor a great deal of resentment. i pinpointed the root of it, which i can't really express adequately on a public blog, so if you want more unloaded, then once again, please ask.

4) the last point comes down to essentially two things
-forgiveness
-humbling myself. letting down my pride. getting my high horse. i value my identity and opinions too much. even over Christ. i need that stipped away.

with those two things, maybe reconcilation can take place. and this isn't just with girls. but with the other gender too, especially my closest relationships.

This is all seems very straight-forward and list-like. But I'm struggling with a great deal of emotions dealing with these things. Lately, it's just been, just been ugh. So in the dark. I just want to be in light. I want to be completely transformed. I had a really good cry last night, in talking to people I didn't even know until this weekend (my small group for the weekend). I hate crying in front of people, but honestly in just felt good to let go. There was only one person I knew in the small group, but I never knew him all too well, or his story leading to him knowing Christ. It was good that he was in my group because he went to my high school. It's amazing to see how Christ has transformed someone I used to know as someone else. I don't get to see that too often. It's really encouraging. I really liked everyone in my small group, and was able to rejoice with them in their sorrows and joys.

I am letting go now.



on a completely different note, a lot of my roommates are catching on to my love for organic and yummy foods at Trader Joe's. They're shopping there and even keep talking about it. Now if only I could be as excited about Christ to other friends as I am for Trader Joe's.



" I could more easily contain Niagra Falls in a tea cup than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable love of God. If our faith is going to be criticized, let it be for the right reasons. Not because we are too emotional but because we are not emotional enough; not because our passions are so powerful but because they are so puny; not because we are too affectionate but because we lack a deep, passionate, uncompromising affection for Jesus Christ."
-The Ragamuffin Gospel