Thursday, January 21, 2010

facebook, you are not me

my identity is not built up on what I made myself to be on facebook. i have wasted way too much of my life trying to portray me how i wanted people to see me.

no more, my god, i boast no more.


burn the kingdoms i have made
that you will shine
and i will fade
til there's nothing left of me.

hold on to your seats, ladies and gents.

this is gonna be a wild, rocky ride.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

11 years

Today was one crappy day. I started the day with a stressful situation and despite the moments of redemptive grace throughout the day (which mostly involved food) I was under intense spirtitual attack. It has just been one of those weeks at work where you wonder if you will get anything done, ever. I was overwhelmed and not with grace-oriented mindfulness. So mostly, my day became all about me. How stressed I was. How I have been feeling poured out after a day of total rest and rejuvenation with God. Why and how do these things happen? I think it is very commonplace to hit a valley as soon as we hit a spiritual high. And that's what today was.

It came as no surprise to me when I realized the significance of today's dates- 1/20/2010. I got the jitters when I saw that date as a deadline a few days ago- maybe it was just the deadline, but that only surfaces the anxiety of that date.

11 years ago today, in a few hours, my oldest brother got in a car accident. He got a spinal cord injury and became a quadripalegic. Despite the tragedy of that night, God worked powerful miracles as well. Redemptive acts of grace were seen through that whole evening. Basically it's a miracle that my brother and his friends were alive.They were discovered right away.

1/21 is actually a bigger day for me, because that's the day 12 year old Janelle found out. I remember not getting out of bed that morning. It was a ritual of mine to try to *accidentally* sleep in sometimes and get driven to school late. This was not simply because I was lazy, but school was a place of extreme anxiety for me. Between unhelpful teachers just trying to pull their curriculum and students who generally didn't talk to me (and when they did it was not pleasant), I feared going to school.

Daniel, my second oldest brother finally woke me up that morning. But it wasn't until 8 or 8:30. I could immediately sense something was not right besides him saying "Janelle, Janelle, something terrible just happened last night." There was a sorrow expressed in his face, and Mark's face (my third brother standing just outside the room) that I had never seen. Not even when my grandma passed on 4 or 5 years before (on the same day).


I couldn't believe they let me sleep in while everyone was dwelling in this terrible news. I did not know much about what was going on except that there was a car accident. My parents were currently as the hospital.My first question "Is Justin alive?" was affirmed but still wasn't entirely sure what his physical state was. Daniel told me softly that they were saying he might never walk again.

The events of these two days changed the course of Justin's life and the rest of my family.

Although, what happened was quite tragic. It was hopeful. It also became a new norm in my life, so much that I became insensitive to the pain of Justin's injuries over the years. But it's hard as a teenager to see something like this through someone else's eyes rather than your self-centered spectacles.

It was hopeful, because through this event Justin was brought new life. He accepted Christ in the hospital. I am impressed with the man he has become today. He is a prayer warrior. He is more concerned with others than himself. Christ is living vibrantly within him. It of course took several years of maturity to become who he is now. I am so proud of who he is and who he was 11, 6 and 3 years ago.

He doesn't see the world as most people see it. Most people do not have to continuously depend on other people. Most people forget to depend on God. He views his accident as a blessing-- if not for this interruption he has wondered where he would be today. Justin was an extremely social, popular, partier. His mind was geared towards his own wants and own indulgences. Now he is geared toward Christ.

So although today was miserable and tomorrow will likely be too (every single year I experience spiritual warfare on this day) I need to remember who it is who is charge of this whole messy, beautiful earth and the starry heavens which look down on it. I need to remember what God is doing and has done today and yesterday and tomorrow. It is simply awe-inspiring how the Lord's redemptive grace weaves in and out of our lives. He makes all things new. He makes all things beautiful in it's time.

I look forward to not seeing this day as a curse, but as an actual blessing and I think that's in the works.

Monday, January 18, 2010

what does it mean to be poor in spirit?

Today in my reading, I somehow ended up in the Sermon on the Mount. I started reading the beatitudes and grew in wondering of what exactly Jesus meant.

What does it mean to be poor in spirit? At surface level, I think of being so self-sufficient that you do not rely on God.Surely, being rich in spirit seems to be what we should strive for, right? Because although we do not want physical wealth to plague our lives we want to develop riches in our inner man, right?

So needless to say, it threw me off when Jesus says,

"Blessed is the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

It would make sense to me if he said, "Blessed are you who are poor, because yours is the kingdom of God" as he did in the Sermon on the Plain in Luke 6.

What is the difference and what is similar about these two lines?

Commentaries are helpful because there are people out there who are well-researched, know their Greek and Hebrew, and the study of theology has been ongoing throughout history. But I did not have a commentary on me as I was looking at this at Shoes, a coffee shop in downtown Leesburg.

So before I go into what the commentaries said, take a minute and think about it for yourself. Go back to Matthew 5 and Luke 6 and meditate on it.

I meditated, and did not have an answer. I did think about how each beatitude was connected to the next one, and how the woes (in Luke 6) contrasted against the beatitudes. Two lines my eyes drew to, were

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God"

( I spent some time focusing on purity of heart. Purity is so much than abstaining from sexual sin. When I think of purity I sing the song/Psalm "Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts, let us not lift our soul to another." When we being created in a pure heart, we are seeking God's face, leaving our distractions and idols behind. I am also always taken back to David's penitential psalm,51,where towards the end he states "the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

and "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied."

(Those of who know me well or read my blog, know that I always dwell on the concept of spiritual hunger. That we do not remain self-sufficient feeding our phsyical hunger, but we continually feed on God.)

In Luke 6, the woe which was the direct antithesis of poor was "Woe to you you are rich, for you have recieved your consolation."

What would this mean in light of "poor in spirit" in Matthew 5?

"A broken spirit" would probably liken to being "poor in spirit." We can not feed our own spirits. We cannot mend ourselves back together. Jesus says "Woe to you are rich," talking about people who need nothing else, hunger for nothing else, because they are completely self-sufficient. They have no reliance on a Holy, loving God.

Back to the commentaries now:

I own a small commentary collection and I get fed up looking for thoughtful online commentaries. My bulky IVP "New Bible Commentary" very briefly overviews each chapter o the bible.

It notes quickly on "poor in spirit" on in specifics over the other beatitudes perhaps because it seems the least straight forward to the contemporary reader:

"Poor in spirit suggests the OT themes of the 'poor' or 'meek,' the oppressed people of God who, nontheless, trust in him for deliverance."

The theme presented here, is trusting in God for salvation, not yourself.

At Urbana, I bought two $2 commentaries to get my collection of commentaties of individual books of the Bible started- Luke and Acts (This is primarily due to my interest in Luke, the physician and the journalist). This commentary on Luke was written by Leon Morris (Tyndale New Testament Commentaries). Although I agree with the general jist of what he writes here, I further need to research and discern if his first assertion is indeed true). But Jesus does talk directly to someone in Luke 6, because his language is 2nd person instead of 3rd.

"Jesus looked at his disciples, to whom the following words are plainly addressed and pronounced a blessing on them as poor. He is not blessing poverty in itself...Nor is he prounouncing a blessing on one social class above all others...He is speaking of his disciples. They are poor and they know they are without resource. They rely on God, and know they must rely on him for they have nothing on their own on which to rely.It is in this spirit that in the Old Testament 'the poor' is often almost equivalent to 'the pious.' Matthew brings out this meaning with 'poor in spirit...'

In Matthew 5, Jesus is speaking to a crowd, in the 3rd person. Is this why he more specicially uses "poor in spirit" than simply "poor" when he speaks directly to his disciples? He's not saying that everyone living below the poverty line has the kingdom of heaven, but those without, who seek him instead of their things or their own self-pursuit.

I want to disagree with Leon when he says that Jesus is not talking about a social class, but in this current interpretation I have, he isn't. I do think this does have a lot of connections with Jesus' conversation with the rich, young ruler. He asks Jesus what can HE DO. After tgoing through the commandments, the young man asserts he has kept them all. But his refusual to give up all he has to follow Jesus shows that he does not adhere to the commandment to worship one God. Faced with a choice, he could not serve God above money. He could not give up what gives them comfort and happiness to rely completely on God.

There is a differentce between being poor in spirit and spiritually poor, and this man has great internal poverty that he will not even address by giving all he to God.

In this, it does show a correlation betwen the social class and being poor in spirit. Jesus goes to say that it is harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, than the camel going through the eye of a needdle. The affluent are always tempted to rely on earthly possessions and their own efforts.

This is not to glorify one class over the other, but there seems to be something daunting when people who are phsyically starving everyday can have a more vibrant relationship with Christ, than people here in America who thrive on wealth but whose things consistently drive them to distraction.

Whether physically wealthy or poor, anyone can be poor in spirit. It's just harder for some than others.Yet salvation is always a miracle of divine grace, whether or poor. It is a gift from God. Who invites use to eat his food, without money and without price.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

why is it so hard to be a volunteer?

Oh, how the tables have turned. I work for a national organization that uses volunteers. We use them well, but sometimes individuals slip through the cracks. That's the devil of the non-profit, sometimes.

When I moved to Leesburg, I wanted to get plugged in as a volunteer at a food non-profit right away. That was in September. They did not touch base with me until now, and I admit, the results are disappointing. To protect privacy and preserve the integrity of the non-profit I am using ________ space instead of the names.

Hi Janelle,

I have received your application and thank you for your interest in volunteering with _____! We have a very active group of over 200 volunteers who help us serve our community in the fight against hunger. If it were not for the kindness of individuals like you, we could not do it! Please know how grateful we are that you are interested in helping us in our efforts. At the present time however, all our volunteer positions are full. I will keep your application on file and if an appropriate position opens up, I will contact you to see if you are still interested. In the meantime, food is always our primary need so please feel free to peruse our website for food drive information throughout the year.

Again, thank you for thinking of us & Happy New Year.

Best regards,
_________

Here is my response:

_______,

I turned in my application in September and must admit I am quite disappointed to wait until January to hear from you. I work for a non-profit as well, so I understand that things can be slow at times, but might if you had reviewed my application in September, there could have been a position opened between then and now?

I am very passionate for the cause of food and hunger and would like to do more in the community, but there never seems to be openings to do anything, anywhere. It is tragic to me that there are so many people willing to help and give a hand but no opportunities available to do anything. I know there are needs at different places. I know there are still needs in the community. When it takes an application to do anything and have it not even be looked at, it's rather discouraging.

I am not faulting you. I know you are very busy and you are working for a great cause and I admire all the work you do at ________. I just wish there was more I could do to engage the community. Even my preferences marked on that application might have even changed since I applied in September. I do not even remember what I marked. I have lots of flexibility to do anything ________ needs. I am just simply hungry for an opportunity to do something in my community rather than sit around at home in the evenings, staring at a computer screen or watching tv.

Thank you for your time.

Janelle

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

a good reminder

Two, almost 3 years ago, I went to Kenya. Today I was blessed to get an e-mail from a nun who worked at the center my Global Project group stayed with. I couldn't believe she remembered me. I remember her vaguely. I remember having a somewhat in depth conversation with her but I can't even remember her face. Funny how those things tend to happen. We can forget a face, but people in our memories still have a name.

I want to share her e-mail to me and my response back to her (she calls me janello because that's in my e-mail address).

Dear Janello,
Merry Christmas and HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010.
Hope with God's loving care you and your friends had a blessed Christmas seasson. So to me.

I wonder wether you still remember me? May I remind you.
I am Sr. Rozina Kimaro. We met at Watakatifu Wote Senta in Ngong Diocese, Kenya. You came there with Global Group and you and Sarah visited Kibera Slum in Nairobi.
I think the experience you got from Kibera it is still alive with you. Those poor families the way they struggle to survive. Lets continue pray for them and help them whenever possible.

Back to me I am now serving Technical Vocation Centre for Youths boys and girls in Tanzania. It is called ST. ANTHONY VOCATIONAL TRAINING CENTRE. Owned by the Diocese of Musoma in northern Tanzania, along Lake Victoria shore.
Our centre is a boarding. We have about 150 youths, out of whom 81 are either orphan or most vulnerable. Most of the students are coming from very poor families. Our objective is to empower them with technical skills so that they can employ themselves.

When you visit East Africa again dont hasitate to meet us.
Pass my sincere greetings to your friend Sarah. I will love to hear from you and to know your mission right now.
Stay blessed.
Regards,
Sr. Rozina.


Sister Rozina,

Yes, I do remember you. How delightful it is to hear from you.

You are right, my experience from Kibera still is alive in me as much as it is easy to forget it, living in an affluent culture with various distractions surrounding me everyday. Thank you for the reminder to continue in prayer for the families in Kibera.

It has been hard for me to integrate my experience in Kenya back into the United States. Especially after graduation from college, I had to acquire a job, pay the bills and it's made me very busy and simply living for myself. I recently went to the Urbana missions conference in St. Louis, Missouri. This is a conference which InterVarsity Christian Fellowship with International Fellowship of Evangelical Students puts on every 3 years. I got to see Brian and Debbie Lee and various other students who were on the same Global Project. While there, God woke my spirit back up to himself and to issues of poverty around the world and on the homefront.

Coming back from the conference, I have been trying to place these things I've been re-learning into application. I am revitalizing my prayer life, waking up earlier in the morning to pray. I recently heard a sermon on the importance of intercession, and I admit, I so often pray for myself more than I pray for others. I am re-developing the discipline to pray for others, and so I will committ to praying for the families in Kibera.

What you are doing at St. Anthony sounds wonderful and much needed in the Kingdom. Bwana Asifiwe! What kind of vocational skills are they being taught? I will pray for you in your ministry and particularly for the orphans as they learn helpful trades, which they can hopefully carry with them. How can I specifically pray for you?

Right now, I am working as an administrator for a non-profit which is advocating to add a parental rights amendment to the U.S. Constitution so families can continue to be protected in America. It is great to work for a cause I believe in but I would like to do direct ministry to the poor in the United States or maybe abroad. I want to work in a ministry which teaches people from low-income communities how to cook and garden/farm (particularly not a lot of people in the U.S. knows how to do these basic things). Please pray for me as I apply to different programs this year which will hopefully equip me for this mission.

Thank you for e-mailing me and reminding me of Kibera and prayer. If God brings me back to East Africa, I will be sure to visit you. I am sending your greetings on to Sarah. She will be blessed to hear from you, as I also am.

Salama,
Janelle