Sunday, August 27, 2006

Thoughts on Leadership and being a Christ Follower

I really did not want to go to Intervarsity leadership retreat this weekend. In fact, this past Thursday night, I had a first in a while: I went to IV and saw hundreds of people swarming everywhere, and I got nervous, frightfully nervous. I did not want to be an IV leader. I did not want to try to reach people for Christ even though that's what we're called to do, maybe with a less corny term, by Christ. I just didn't want to be a Christian. I don't really mean, I didn't want to follow Jesus anymore, I just didn't want to be a subculture Christian, getting sucked into a bubble, of happy, smiling people swarming around me. That was where I didn't want to be. I've just realized over the summer, that as much as I love CNU and the community around me here, it's me and my fellow believers. I did not have any close relationships with people who weren't christians. What's the point of being a christian if you never leave your shell?

Then on Friday night, Bekah, Jamie and I were sitting on the swings outside at Camp Rudolph. And I stared at the trees, and the stars through the trees, and couldn't help but feel completely empty. I told them I need to re-fall in love with God. That I felt disconnected from him. Like, I know his values. But I don't know him anymore. And I felt like I was stuck. Stuck at CNU, stuck on leadership, stuck in a routine I couldn't get out of. The example I find of the cycle going around and around again, is that I have liked on and off the same guy I liked on and off last year at this time. And I still act completely strange with him. After all this time. It irks me, but now I just want to stay away from him. Just because I don't want this cycle repeating.

Then Beth Gambardella spoke that night. And I had trouble not falling asleep when she was talking about Moses and him acting as a mediator between his people and God. Not that it wasn't interesting, I was just very tired and wanted to go to bed. And some point in her talk, God gave me a light slap in the face. Because what she had to say had to deal directly with what I've been going through. She said, "If you're not hungry for God, you are starving. And often when you are starving, you don't realize the drastic need you are in", or something in that jist. And I was shook. Cause I wasn't hungry for God. I was starving so much for him, being much afraid to go into prescense, much afraid for being a christian, that I didn't know how to connect. As she was talking more and more, I started crying. I don't normally cry during talks, but I did this time. I realized the difference between me now and last year, is that I am much more sober. More serious, in a not so overly serious, uptight way, but sober that I am more aware, and even more wrecked and alert to what's going on around me. It was tough to swallow. Often times I doubt if my worship to God in corporate worship is genuine, and that night it felt especially so. My voice was raised, and it didn't sound pretty. As I was singing to my King, my voice was trembling and crying. People around me were no longer a distraction. I felt completely ruined before the glory of God.

Then today, in our quiet time, we read 1 Corinthians 2. I read this not too long ago, a week before I left Portland, and it spoke to me incredibly. I realized then, I had not spend my summer interning spending time with God through actually reading what God was saying in scripture. I was letting other people be the mediators, and me, just the spectator. I was trying to cram information into me, but it didn't bring me closer to God because "knowledge pumps up."

Anyways, I sat there, doing breathing exercises to clear my mind to anything I could to talk to God. Spent some time praying and not just for myself. And then, I felt compelled to write in my journal:

"The Cross has become empty to me and who I am in Christ has no meaning left. I lean too far on the side of Christian rhetoric, on books about God and not written by him. I let man's wisdom block me from my Creator. The gospel, in turn, has become total foolishness to me. I don't know at times if I really, truly believe it or if I'm just following steps cause it's as I've always done. Part of me doesn't want to be on IV leadership due to this. It feels like a sick cycle of repeats, like I'm trapped in a naturalist play I can't get out of. Of course I can't get myself out. That's the trap. Only God can. I don't want it to be a repeat of last year. All I wanna do right now is hold God tightly and never let him go. But I can't, I'm incapable. Allow God to hold me tightly and not let me out of his grasp.
The bible has become just another book on my reading list. I am a seeker of enlightenment, not og God. I know leadership will once again be a struggle for me. I can't let the devil use tht against me. I need the Lord's spirit over me. Nothing else matters. It makes me sick how much the rest of it all matters to me more. I want eyes to see, ears to hear, and a mind to concieve. But in the meantime, I am just grabbing for air."

This weekend we learned a little bit about ourselves in relation to christian leadership, and there is a good order that is not necessarily found directly in scripture but is highly applicable to how we live lives of christian leaders. CDSL
Child, Disciple, Servant, Leader.
Jesus says that children are first in the kingdom of God. Being a child of God means being taken under his loving care. We must swallow our pride and let him do that before leadership.

I know I will have many more struggles this semester with this, but I feel myself returning quickly back to parts of myself to that time that I had "faith like a child". For example, today during stretch out time in between things, I ran circles around the room. Like a little ADD kid, yelling and chanting. And you know what. It felt quite liberating and I don't know why I don't do it more often.

God knows my name. He calls me by Janelle.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

thoughts on going back to school: part 2
class act

This semester I am hoping for divine intervention in the workings of my mind. Basically saying, I am actually a big ditz who talks fancy and poetically but really knows nothing. I know very little about current events, or even history in the past 20 years. Most of what I learned in history and science class has slipped my brain. I asked this guy a couple weeks ago what this shirt he always wears means, and he informed me it was the symbol for the USSR and he doesn't know why he wears it. Such a simple thing I should've known.

I get so caught up in certain disciplines of thought, I don't really think about anything else. And I remain, completely oblivious.

The reason I am saying this is that the classes I am taking are challenging parts of my brain that I have not plugged into.

Especially nerve-wrecking is playwriting, which I have always been extremely interested in, but now I'm in it, I wonder what the hell I am doing there. I think in story-telling methods, but the way I want to tell stories would be better expressed in prose or film. I am going to be challenged here.

I am taking a music course for my film studies minor. It's about music in the movies. The class makes me feel like a fake hypocrite. Here am I, ever so picky about the music I listen to. Yet I cannot explain why. I can't describe music. It's hard for me to even pick out instruments in songs, unless they're very obvious.
Plus, I am a hypocrite with movies. Here I am wanting to make film possibly when I cannot even name the director or anyone on the crew of Amelie, one of my favorite movies. I feel like such a doofus. Why don't I pay attention?

And then there's biology. And I am getting idealistic about saving the environment. But I know nothing of the science behind it.

I can tell you now, this will be a period of lots and lots of learning. But it won't come easy. It never does.
My thoughts on the first days of school:
part 1- relationships

Going back to CNU, was like entering a realm far removed from Portland. CNU is like a small, small town. Where ever I go, I know people. In the midst of running errands and trying to get to my classes, I'd run in to about 5-15 people, I am absolutely compelled to stop where I am and greet them. Usually with the very surfaced "hi, how are you doing?" greeting. I try to mix it up, and so sound cool. Instead of always saying "have a great day!!" I'd say "take it easy" or something chill like that.
"How are you doing?" Does anyone ever want to know how you're really, truly doing?? It's programmed into us to greet this way and always respond with an answer that is more on the optimistic side.

Portland, I came knowing not one soul. I did not have this extensive social network. And I realized right away, that instead of meeting too many people, I should stick to a smaller network of tight individuals. Although that didn't happen in full, the idea of a smaller community to plug into was more prevalent in Portland. I did not know everyone at Imago Dei, and for that I am most glad.

Small talk. I hate it. I have been compelled to have about 50 small talk conversations in the past few days. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I feel like some socialite that I really am not. Even though it appears that I have many plentiful amounts of friends, I'd only prefer to have a few close ones. As hard as it is to say, I don't think I should be friends with people who I can't get into in depth conversations with. In order to have these conversations, the two of us must be comfortable being real and transparent with each other.

I dislike popularity. I have about 500 friends on facebook (this counts people who I haven't talked to in years). I have interest in most of them, as is why I am facebook friends. I am interested in different sorts of people. And I am interested in branching out and getting to know many people. But when it comes down to it, I only need a few, true friends.

Trouble is, I can't even figure point who they all are. I am an openly vulnerable person, who get into in depth conversations with more people than a lot can. So being good friends goes beyond even that. I am, for the lack of a better word, "ADD" with the relationships I am in. I float from one to the next. If I talk to one person, I am looking over at another person I want to talk to. It's horrible. As a result, I have many many friends. Yet, when crisis hits, it can be hard to identify who to turn to. Who really loves me? And whom do I really love?


I want to go beyond surfacey relationships. I want to limit my people scope to a few. Not to exclude people. But to learn how to love those whom I love.

This does not mean I need a boyfriend. Sometimes, I really really want one. Then I think, whats the point? There is a great freedom in getting to focus on more platonic relationships rather than floating on a continuous cloud 9. Whenever I do find a boyfriend, I would never wish to exclusively see him, or even drown out my other guy friends. I intend on acting as I was with all my friends. I hate when I see people go and be boyfriend/girlfriend, and then ignore everyone else. It is entirely stupid, and they'll grow sick of each other.

Monday, August 07, 2006

i really hate arguing.

and then part of me craves it, craves conflict.

i would really like to stop arguing about jesus with those who believe in the same jesus. they're no less than me, and i'm no less than them. but it seems like we always try so hard to drag each other's opinions down, and that's exactly what the devil wants.

i want to know the full truth of the gospel, and i want to share it with others. but, i don't want to start cold wars on it.

how do we straddle the line? how can we teach each other, but not hurt one another.

it seems to be something i'm not good at. i feel like i'm always offending those i care about. and then again, the gospel isn't just nice words. it's offensive and not politically correct. how can it be shared without ripping each other up?

i'm learning as i go.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I have environmentally-conscious convictions that I am starting to act upon.

Does this make me liberal?

maybe not so much. maybe extremely extremely conservative.
afterall, it hasn't been until the late 19th century that mass meat production increased in factories with the industrial revolution.

people used to either kill their food, or buy it from someone local.

this isn't some new agey idea i'm toying around with.


furthermore, liberal politics does not equate to liberal theology. and the term liberal is completely miscontrued these days. liberal does not equal godless.

scott(andreas) sent me a really good article that i'd like my friends to see, this reflects my beliefs on politics and God a lot more than what you've been seeing (my extreme decisions to go vegetarian and such leads to generalizations that has caused many to think i'm over the hedge on the liberal end)