My thoughts on the first days of school:
part 1- relationships

Going back to CNU, was like entering a realm far removed from Portland. CNU is like a small, small town. Where ever I go, I know people. In the midst of running errands and trying to get to my classes, I'd run in to about 5-15 people, I am absolutely compelled to stop where I am and greet them. Usually with the very surfaced "hi, how are you doing?" greeting. I try to mix it up, and so sound cool. Instead of always saying "have a great day!!" I'd say "take it easy" or something chill like that.
"How are you doing?" Does anyone ever want to know how you're really, truly doing?? It's programmed into us to greet this way and always respond with an answer that is more on the optimistic side.

Portland, I came knowing not one soul. I did not have this extensive social network. And I realized right away, that instead of meeting too many people, I should stick to a smaller network of tight individuals. Although that didn't happen in full, the idea of a smaller community to plug into was more prevalent in Portland. I did not know everyone at Imago Dei, and for that I am most glad.

Small talk. I hate it. I have been compelled to have about 50 small talk conversations in the past few days. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I feel like some socialite that I really am not. Even though it appears that I have many plentiful amounts of friends, I'd only prefer to have a few close ones. As hard as it is to say, I don't think I should be friends with people who I can't get into in depth conversations with. In order to have these conversations, the two of us must be comfortable being real and transparent with each other.

I dislike popularity. I have about 500 friends on facebook (this counts people who I haven't talked to in years). I have interest in most of them, as is why I am facebook friends. I am interested in different sorts of people. And I am interested in branching out and getting to know many people. But when it comes down to it, I only need a few, true friends.

Trouble is, I can't even figure point who they all are. I am an openly vulnerable person, who get into in depth conversations with more people than a lot can. So being good friends goes beyond even that. I am, for the lack of a better word, "ADD" with the relationships I am in. I float from one to the next. If I talk to one person, I am looking over at another person I want to talk to. It's horrible. As a result, I have many many friends. Yet, when crisis hits, it can be hard to identify who to turn to. Who really loves me? And whom do I really love?


I want to go beyond surfacey relationships. I want to limit my people scope to a few. Not to exclude people. But to learn how to love those whom I love.

This does not mean I need a boyfriend. Sometimes, I really really want one. Then I think, whats the point? There is a great freedom in getting to focus on more platonic relationships rather than floating on a continuous cloud 9. Whenever I do find a boyfriend, I would never wish to exclusively see him, or even drown out my other guy friends. I intend on acting as I was with all my friends. I hate when I see people go and be boyfriend/girlfriend, and then ignore everyone else. It is entirely stupid, and they'll grow sick of each other.