Finding my identity in Christ
Apparently, I'm unique. People always like to tell me this. I have an oddball personality, I wear outrageously bright colors in line with Claudia from the Babysitters Club, I have a distinct outlook on life where I always have to scrape beyond the surface of things, I do slightly outlandish things sometimes, like run into the Indian Ocean, fully clothed, when we need to pack to leave the next day. A few people have told me that I am the most unique girl they ever met. And quite frankly, this scares me.
When I honestly look at my uniqueness, I wonder if it's God-made or self-made. Because, really, I take a lot of pride in being different. I wear weird outfits on purpose. I listen to obscure music and watch obscure movies. I read up on the latest trends before they become wide-known. What it's turned me into is a pretentious hipster. The thing that hits me most is that I read books on hip theology more than I read the Word of God. I listen to music more than I spend time in silence, reflecting and hearing for God's voice. I blog more than I honestly record my thoughts in a private journal, just between me and God. My thoughts tend to be more stream-of-conscience then prayerful. I spend more time in front of a tv set, watching some old artsy movie than I do just simply drinking tea with my friends and REALLY listening to what's going on in their lives.
So, what do I find my identity in, my so-called uniqueness or as a daughter of Christ? I discovered in Kenya that it was in my difference. In this foreign culture, where I didn't have movies, or my music, where I limited myself to 3 shirts and no jewerly, where time was spent more relationally than induced in tasks, I began to see myself as I really was. The sin in my life bubbled up to the surface. Being a hipster made no difference in this context; I had to find who I really, truly was, in Christ.
And the truth is, I'm still looking. Kenya didn't fix me, it just gave me some pointers. When I tell people about myself, I usually tell them my preferences in music and movies or what I like to do, like cook or read or write. But I don't really know this person deep inside of me. I don't know what it is to truly love people. I don't even know what my love language is. I want to listen to people, but I cannot turn myself off sometimes when I talk to them. When people on the trip affirmed me, they told me how brutally honest I am and how transparent I am about my struggles. Those are good things, but how can I tap into who God created me to be? Who is the woman I am supposed to become? I want to do ministry, but how can I get to know peoples' needs when I don't know myself.
Back here, in America, I am tempted to once again become pretentious hipster, Janelle. But this not who I am in Christ. I need to carry out the work God began in Africa. But I need Him to carry it out to completion. This means, driving out my American distractions- movies, books, music, computer. It's not like I need to completely avoid them, but I need to be careful. I need to press forward to the goal of knowing Christ. I want to know him more. I want to be seeking his face and not my own accomplishments, not my own uniqueness. In knowing him, I will find my true identity.
I believe that God made me unique. It's been evident since I was a little girl. But Satan has taken this gift and has been using it for my own human pride. Ok, so I'm unique,.I write well and I'm passionate about it. I know a lot about the Christian faith and scripture. I am a fairly intelligent person despite being flighty. I am honest about everything. I have been a good child, always obeying the rules. Never diverting too far from my Christian upbringing (even though I became a liberal, which isn't Christian to my parents).
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.
And here is my prayer:
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
(Philippians 3:7-11)
So, I will no longer put confidence in my flesh. In being unique. In being hip. In being smart.I do not want anything to differentiate me from the body of Christ. And the only thing I want that sets me apart from humankind is being found in Christ. I may be unique, but I'm not any more special than anyone else. And we have all been uniquely made and lovingly created.
You hem me in- behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths
you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there, your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you
the night will shine like the day
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful.
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the
depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there's any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139:6-16, 23-24)
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Choices
I'm home. It feels a little strange being here, like everything here is new to me again. Just so many simple things are different. I can pull food out of the refigerator whenever I want, and make as much coffee as I want. I have high-speed internet, so I can be on as much as I want. I have over 500 channels on Direct TV to watch, and will probably watch my first movie in America in awhile. I can play music in my room whenever I want. Non worship and praise music. Not like I don't adore it but I haven't listened to secular music in 2 months (save the overhead music blaring on the matatus and the cheesy music at a hotel, and the music I could listen to on the airplane). I can smoke my new pipe. I can drink some wine if I'd like. I'm in the "land of the free." I can do whatever I want with regard to no one else. If I want to keep consuming meat like I did in Kenya from people's hospitality, I can do so. But I'm also free to be independent and choosy about what I eat.
In America, we have so many choices. We can do whatever we want. No wonder we're so apathetic. No wonder we're so selfish.
I'm supposed to use these next few days to rest. What does it mean to rest in a land filled with distractions? My host, Mama Susan uses every Sunday to rest in honoring the Sabbath. I asked her what she "did" when she rests. She looked at me, a little stunned. "I don't do anything." I look at her puzzled as well as she was. "Nothing? You don't read, or knit, or watch TV?"
She said simply that all that isn't rest. When she rests, she really doesn't do ANYTHING. She doesn'r even THINK about anything. She just sits and is still. It's in these times she enters the prescense of God.
I don't how to rest. It's hard for me just to turn my mind off. I have to always be doing something. If I'm reclined I need a movie, or the computer, or food. I need to be consumed in something. And I just can't turn my mind off. It's why I have trouble falling asleep at night. I'm always thinking about something.
I am thrown back into a land of many choices. With those choices, I can choose rest, or I can choose writing this blog on my laptop while listening to Denison Witmer. Typically, I don't choose rest. I choose noise. Everything is noise. This laptop, my music, movies, books. Everything I do to amuse myself. We're so focused on entertainment in this country. This became more evident to me as I lived in Kenya without movies, without books (until i bought some there), without "my" music. I lived with all these things that I thought keep me functioning. But the truth is, I functioned so much better without all of that noise. On my assignment, I had absolutely nothing to do at times. It was these times that I went into the prescense of God. Where I learned the value of silence. When I saw scripture open up in ways I could never imagine. And I could learn how to let God cradle me in his arms.
Now I'm home. I feel at a loss of this valued silence. But the truth is that I do have choice. I can turn everything off. I can turn off all the lights. I can live without the glimmer of the movie screen. I can live without my music. It's not like these things are evil. But they can become idols if I indulge in them more than I indulge in God. And I do. And I definitely did before I went to Kenya.
But now I have these days to rest and I should not take them for granted. It is now that I learn the secret to be content whether in abundance or in want. I don't need to be in Kenya to rest in God's arms.
I want to live. Not be a mindless indulgent zombie.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can pray. Listen. Cry out. Be Still. Meditate on Scripture. Dance in the storm. Keep my family company. Comfort the mourning. Rest. Be.
It's time to learn.
I'm home. It feels a little strange being here, like everything here is new to me again. Just so many simple things are different. I can pull food out of the refigerator whenever I want, and make as much coffee as I want. I have high-speed internet, so I can be on as much as I want. I have over 500 channels on Direct TV to watch, and will probably watch my first movie in America in awhile. I can play music in my room whenever I want. Non worship and praise music. Not like I don't adore it but I haven't listened to secular music in 2 months (save the overhead music blaring on the matatus and the cheesy music at a hotel, and the music I could listen to on the airplane). I can smoke my new pipe. I can drink some wine if I'd like. I'm in the "land of the free." I can do whatever I want with regard to no one else. If I want to keep consuming meat like I did in Kenya from people's hospitality, I can do so. But I'm also free to be independent and choosy about what I eat.
In America, we have so many choices. We can do whatever we want. No wonder we're so apathetic. No wonder we're so selfish.
I'm supposed to use these next few days to rest. What does it mean to rest in a land filled with distractions? My host, Mama Susan uses every Sunday to rest in honoring the Sabbath. I asked her what she "did" when she rests. She looked at me, a little stunned. "I don't do anything." I look at her puzzled as well as she was. "Nothing? You don't read, or knit, or watch TV?"
She said simply that all that isn't rest. When she rests, she really doesn't do ANYTHING. She doesn'r even THINK about anything. She just sits and is still. It's in these times she enters the prescense of God.
I don't how to rest. It's hard for me just to turn my mind off. I have to always be doing something. If I'm reclined I need a movie, or the computer, or food. I need to be consumed in something. And I just can't turn my mind off. It's why I have trouble falling asleep at night. I'm always thinking about something.
I am thrown back into a land of many choices. With those choices, I can choose rest, or I can choose writing this blog on my laptop while listening to Denison Witmer. Typically, I don't choose rest. I choose noise. Everything is noise. This laptop, my music, movies, books. Everything I do to amuse myself. We're so focused on entertainment in this country. This became more evident to me as I lived in Kenya without movies, without books (until i bought some there), without "my" music. I lived with all these things that I thought keep me functioning. But the truth is, I functioned so much better without all of that noise. On my assignment, I had absolutely nothing to do at times. It was these times that I went into the prescense of God. Where I learned the value of silence. When I saw scripture open up in ways I could never imagine. And I could learn how to let God cradle me in his arms.
Now I'm home. I feel at a loss of this valued silence. But the truth is that I do have choice. I can turn everything off. I can turn off all the lights. I can live without the glimmer of the movie screen. I can live without my music. It's not like these things are evil. But they can become idols if I indulge in them more than I indulge in God. And I do. And I definitely did before I went to Kenya.
But now I have these days to rest and I should not take them for granted. It is now that I learn the secret to be content whether in abundance or in want. I don't need to be in Kenya to rest in God's arms.
I want to live. Not be a mindless indulgent zombie.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I can pray. Listen. Cry out. Be Still. Meditate on Scripture. Dance in the storm. Keep my family company. Comfort the mourning. Rest. Be.
It's time to learn.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Hello friends and family,
Peace and Greetings once again from Nairobi. This is a story, so please don't feel bad if you don't feel led to read this. I just wanted to take a moment to share with you all how God has blessed my assignment (which isn't over yet). During the past couple of weeks, I questioned God a lot about why I was where I was placed. I tended to compare myself to others who get to live with their pastors or ministry partners, while Sarah and I had to coordinate between our hosts and our partners, the Missionaries of Charity. It seemed that the work we were doing wasn't what I had in mind for our missions project. It felt like we were just doing charity work. I felt like something was missing, but at the same time I wanted to feel content and grateful for just the oppurtunity to be here and all that God has changed me through this. Well, I expressed my concerns to Sarah and we prayed about it. And after waiting, we did something. We were able to connect to a non-denominational pastor whose church is within Kibera, and he took us around today, on the sisters' day of rest. For the first time on our assignment, Sarah and I were able to walk into peoples' homes and see how they live. This is what my heart really desired. I felt as though we were walking through the slum each day, but without visiting homes, I felt unable to connect. It surprised me even further when in each home we visited, Pastor Gelirson, asked for a Word from the Bible from each Sarah and I. Under normal circumstances, I would have froze. But God is gracious. The past couple of weeks I have had a lot of down time, and I have spent that time reading and studying the Bible and getting so much insight from God through that. I definitely believe that our works should flow from our intimate relationship with knowing Jesus Christ and that is what God was doing to me. He's been purifying my motives and drawing me into his arms so that I could better connect to people. God is sovereign, because if we had just jumped into house visiting from the start, my words with other people wouldn't have been as genuine.
Pastor Gelirson led us into this one home with a family of 4 consisting of 2 young people, who were not saved. After sharing with them the Word we had from the Bible, the pastor asked if any of them wanted to come to Christ today. This was not unexpected because here in Kenya, people are very frank and forward with evangelism. Quite often it is stressed that a decision should be made whether or not to follow Christ. I was prepared for this, but still, as someone who neglects evangelizing at home, this was a completely new situation for me. To make a long story short, Joyce, the girl we met, got saved. I can never say that I have been very involved in leading people to Christ as I have so often not been there while someone was making the actual decision. I don't know how much of an effect any of my words had on her because I could tell that seeds had been planted long before we got there. However, I feel blessed and encouraged that Sarah and I had something to do with her ultimate decision. That we were there to give her insight and prayers. Bwana Asifiwe (Praise the Lord)!
The other youth, Jared, was still on the fence. He told us that he believes that one day God will call him to be saved and he's waiting for it to immediately happen. He doesn't want other people to convince him about Jesus, he wants to hear God's call. Please be praying for him. I know he will come to know the Lord, but waiting for a strike of lightening can sometimes be deceptive. (I can also relate a lot to him in his feelings that he does not want to be coerced into a decision.)God has already lavished us with the gift of knowing him, all we have to do is recieve it.
I feel encouraged to send this story your way, as a few months ago, I can honestly tell you, I would not be this encouraged in my faith. I am coming to find that Christ is my solid rock and the only soil I can grow in and become the woman I am meant to be.
I hope and pray you all are doing very well, and I cannot wait to hear from you. I miss the States very dearly but with less than a week left on assignment and less than a month left in Kenya, I already miss it. I only pray to God that I can enjoy and relish in each moment. Please continue praying for me.
Peace and Greetings once again from Nairobi. This is a story, so please don't feel bad if you don't feel led to read this. I just wanted to take a moment to share with you all how God has blessed my assignment (which isn't over yet). During the past couple of weeks, I questioned God a lot about why I was where I was placed. I tended to compare myself to others who get to live with their pastors or ministry partners, while Sarah and I had to coordinate between our hosts and our partners, the Missionaries of Charity. It seemed that the work we were doing wasn't what I had in mind for our missions project. It felt like we were just doing charity work. I felt like something was missing, but at the same time I wanted to feel content and grateful for just the oppurtunity to be here and all that God has changed me through this. Well, I expressed my concerns to Sarah and we prayed about it. And after waiting, we did something. We were able to connect to a non-denominational pastor whose church is within Kibera, and he took us around today, on the sisters' day of rest. For the first time on our assignment, Sarah and I were able to walk into peoples' homes and see how they live. This is what my heart really desired. I felt as though we were walking through the slum each day, but without visiting homes, I felt unable to connect. It surprised me even further when in each home we visited, Pastor Gelirson, asked for a Word from the Bible from each Sarah and I. Under normal circumstances, I would have froze. But God is gracious. The past couple of weeks I have had a lot of down time, and I have spent that time reading and studying the Bible and getting so much insight from God through that. I definitely believe that our works should flow from our intimate relationship with knowing Jesus Christ and that is what God was doing to me. He's been purifying my motives and drawing me into his arms so that I could better connect to people. God is sovereign, because if we had just jumped into house visiting from the start, my words with other people wouldn't have been as genuine.
Pastor Gelirson led us into this one home with a family of 4 consisting of 2 young people, who were not saved. After sharing with them the Word we had from the Bible, the pastor asked if any of them wanted to come to Christ today. This was not unexpected because here in Kenya, people are very frank and forward with evangelism. Quite often it is stressed that a decision should be made whether or not to follow Christ. I was prepared for this, but still, as someone who neglects evangelizing at home, this was a completely new situation for me. To make a long story short, Joyce, the girl we met, got saved. I can never say that I have been very involved in leading people to Christ as I have so often not been there while someone was making the actual decision. I don't know how much of an effect any of my words had on her because I could tell that seeds had been planted long before we got there. However, I feel blessed and encouraged that Sarah and I had something to do with her ultimate decision. That we were there to give her insight and prayers. Bwana Asifiwe (Praise the Lord)!
The other youth, Jared, was still on the fence. He told us that he believes that one day God will call him to be saved and he's waiting for it to immediately happen. He doesn't want other people to convince him about Jesus, he wants to hear God's call. Please be praying for him. I know he will come to know the Lord, but waiting for a strike of lightening can sometimes be deceptive. (I can also relate a lot to him in his feelings that he does not want to be coerced into a decision.)God has already lavished us with the gift of knowing him, all we have to do is recieve it.
I feel encouraged to send this story your way, as a few months ago, I can honestly tell you, I would not be this encouraged in my faith. I am coming to find that Christ is my solid rock and the only soil I can grow in and become the woman I am meant to be.
I hope and pray you all are doing very well, and I cannot wait to hear from you. I miss the States very dearly but with less than a week left on assignment and less than a month left in Kenya, I already miss it. I only pray to God that I can enjoy and relish in each moment. Please continue praying for me.
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