2007 has certainly been a year of change- and more purpose and more direction (amidst this more confusion) focused in one period than ever before.
I will forever remember it as the year I went to Kenya. Everything was directed at going. Spring semester of junior year brought on fundraising and STIM weekends, and a lot of anguished crying out to God. I probably was on crack that semester for everything I was trying to do between those things, taking several major classes, small group leading,working and co-coordinating CNU's Broken Bread meal. And through all of this, I was supposed to be preparing myself for what was ahead of me that summer. I had a nervous tick inside of me, urged by the fear of failing everyone. Anxious, I was always on my toes, and when I had nothing to worry about, I figured out something else to take up my concerns.
Like questions about theology- it became an obsession which I always wanted more time to dwell on. I felt the pulls of reformed theology and started to question them and I felt the pulls of emergent theology and questioned them even more. I guess what it all came down to, and became absolutely clear in Kenya, is that I should not ever cling to a theology (though they're good for helping us understand) but to cling to Jesus.
I gave up my vegetarianism because I knew I had to eat meat in Kenya, and so I started calling myself a "hospitalitarian" (meant I ate meat only out of hospitality).
And I went to Kenya. God provided every cent, plus more, showing me that it was not up to me raise the money. While being there, I felt sin, I felt shame, I felt utter dispair at my wicked motivations but I felt the Lord's presence, beauty, and unrelenting grace speak to me and refine me into the transformed creation I am ever being shaped into by God's radiance.
I let go of a lot of my anger towards people and a lot of my cynical pride. A deep longing to be with my family formed inside me.
I was there for 7 weeks. And then back. I heard re-entry was hard but I didn't have a clue how right everyone was about that. I had this idealist thought that every thing I learned in Kenya would come into immediate application when I crossed the ocean. Boy, was I wrong. And I slipped into depression. Feeling that everything I did here did not matter- I had no purpose in what I was doing and everyone around me was also completely frivolous and seemingly happy. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't feign happiness any more. I couldn't put on a show for people like I used. I was more real and I was stipped down of my pretenses. It honestly became harder to socialize.
Then the perils of being a senior reigned down on me. I felt isolated from the younger kids who seemed to have fun all the time, and isolated from my best friends because we were always so busy. Also, the question kept coming- what am I gonna do with my life after grad? Something I had not seriously put much thought to.
Through the pit bottoms and the weirdness of my fall semester, some really great things happened, and they wouldn't have happened without the lows. Though I was socially awkward in groups of people, I cherished my one on one time with others, forming more intentional relationships with people. For the first time, I got discipled on a regular basis, and it's had a transforming on me. I myself discipled a girl who I love very much. And between the two discipling relationships and seeing a counselor, a lot of the post-kenya depression was lifted off (bwana asifiwe!). I also came to realize a vision for my life after college. Since my fakeness worn off, my relationships I have retained have been more raw, and more real. Though I feel utterly alone sometimes, I've had the best relationships this year I've had in 21 years- and these relationships all pointed back to Christ.
And then there were crushes, and oh man did I crush on people. Two crushes in particular stuck out and provided me with some distraction. Although, one pivotal attraction to a guy this semester led me to consider how ripe I am to be in a relationship and the kind of quality guy I am interested in- lively, energetic and thoughtful. Before, I would be too autonomous, too selfish in my heart to allow someone in, but now my heart is becoming big enough for two. And I have started to consider what a relationship with brings glory to God would look like- that a couple grows closer to God as they grow closer to each other. And no, I have not found such a relationship with any of my crushes from this year and nor do I pursue them now. But the promise of a loving partner is all I really need in that regard. The desire is there, and so I need to prayerfully pursue God in it.
I guess two key words for this year are light and maturity. God has poured his light on the ugly spots of me which are in high demand on his help, leading me to depend on him more than ever before. The size of my cross at the end of this semester became bigger in my eyes than ever. Light has reigned over my depression, to lift me up when I am dragged down to the ground. Also, God has made me more mature in every area of my life. I truly do not see myself as the naive, fun-loving, bubbly, performing Janelle who I came to college as.
At the end of this year, though, I need God's help more than ever. I'm having identity issues (vain matters like new style of clothing mirror deeper heart problems), overwhelming feelings of lonliness (even if I go out every night of the week, I'm having trouble believing I have any real friends), apathy, and the growing desire to get out of Virginia. I spend my days in vanity, not doing much, forgetting that God has me in Manassas right now with purpose and with a reason. I need to spend more time with God and less time watching arrested development or playing oregon trail on facebook. I need to appreciate my family more, because sometimes I really lose patience with them. I need to take joy and be grateful for everything I have- all of my relationships. I want to bask in God's presence and feel him in every bone of my being.
I need to pray in this new year right.
No comments:
Post a Comment