One thing I do know: I have to go back to Manassas.
I know this because God told me to. I would much rather go to Oregon, Philly, California, Kenya.
Ready for my transitional post-college era, I have applied or thought about applying to these places.
Borders
Trader Joe's (my parents not crazy about those high aspirations)
farm intern
americorps
sub teacher for PWC schools
teacher assistant
editorial assistant
library assistant
and there's several more. i don't know. i want to be a writer. A WRITER #$@@g!!!
But that's the most impractical thing in the world to want to be. and i can't be one right now, cause i'm an inexperience, naive little girl who everyone will probably reject (and i hate facing rejection!)
god is faithful, though. dang, right he is!!!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
i've got the victory
Ever since I went home a couple weeks ago to see my brother who was in the hospital and be with my family, God has brought my heart through intense healing. It began with my own dad encouraging me and counseling me through my depressed state. Two late night conversations with him from across the dinner table and a car ride home back to CNU. We prayed through scripture together. He said he'd be praying for me through everything that God will bring healing to my heart.
I had trouble deciding what I'd do for spring break. Go to Newark, NJ with my IV chapter for inner city missions or go home to help take care of my brother? It was a tough decision but God gave me peace about going to Newark so I just went. I hated it at first. I hated the smell. I hated that I had to sleep in sleeping bag in a corner of a room stuffed with girls and share 2 showers among all 35 of us students who went. I hated how many loud seemingly ungrateful rambunctious children I had to serve food to and was secretly glad I didn't have to "deal" with them at kids club.
Despite my hate, God brought me to love. And I left Newark loving it and loving the inner city. I worked on the "manna" team which meant we cooked food for a mass of people every night, and during the daytime were teacher assistants at this missional school called the World Impact Centre. I made sure the foods were cooked well with the right spices and ingredients. That was the gift I contributed to my team- my flavor anointing. During the day, I assisted a class of 7 5th grade students, mostly from low-income families, but at a very good school. The school wasn't rich. In fact the teachers have to raise their entire salaries, but it was a very good school. All my kids were very bright even though the boys were super ADHD.
Sensitive is the primary word you can use to describe me during this week. I got easily anxious, upset, excited, exhilarated. I was always at emotional extremes and my feelings were vulnerable and easily hurt.
It was a miracle that happened. Before my brother's recent sickness and this trip, I was very apathetic and all my feelings were suppressed. I could not feel any joy in what I could do. But I did cry out to God in my despair. I was actually very angry at him. It seemed that he was at times that he was good but not powerful enough to heal me, or powerful but not good enough to heal me. The depths of my heart could only see despair. It was veiled with an icy cold layer which prohibited me from seeing or hearing God.
It was a miracle that I was sensitized. For the first time in who knows how long I am able to sing loud and out of key with no shame, dance recklessly in pure joy, act foolish for the cross of Jesus, I take hold of my victory I have in him. God has made me into a child again. His child. I am no longer an orphan. I can see and I can hear and I can taste what the Lord has for me and his people.
What do I feel? What do I sense?
An overwhelming peace.
Through my progressive healing, God enabled me to love people more. People who I have judged, whether they were the crazy kids or people in my chapter who I labeled and wrote off as being something they're not. God has opened up my heart and mind as he is helping me release my pride and bring everything to the cross. As he is breaking my chains that suppress me, in shyness, from really getting to be with people.
God is placing a new song on my lips. Life feels like life. Not a mundane, meaningless cycle.
And some conclusion about post undergrad has cleared up. I'm going home this summer. How long will I be there. For however long until God tells me to leave to become a teacher or go to seminary for education. Because I found something that through Newark, God showed me I could do: teach.
I am partially nervous about going home. I don't have a car there. I won't have a close-knit college community. And I never liked Manassas. In fact, I went to college with my heart set on never returning to Manassas for longer than a few weeks at a time. It is only by the grace of God that I feel called to go home, and help take care of my brother and reconcile myself to my family and that place I always hated so much.
I talked to my mom this evening about the decision. And I mentioned that I was praying that God would provide me a car to get around in. She surprised me, telling me that she's been praying since Christmas that God would provide a car for me and I have only started to pray about it!
Romans 8 sums it all up pretty well. I read it in one of my quiet times this past week, and ended up reading it with a few of my other friends. Through Christ, I am more than a conqueror of my depression. I am more than a conqueror of my sin. I have the victory.
I had trouble deciding what I'd do for spring break. Go to Newark, NJ with my IV chapter for inner city missions or go home to help take care of my brother? It was a tough decision but God gave me peace about going to Newark so I just went. I hated it at first. I hated the smell. I hated that I had to sleep in sleeping bag in a corner of a room stuffed with girls and share 2 showers among all 35 of us students who went. I hated how many loud seemingly ungrateful rambunctious children I had to serve food to and was secretly glad I didn't have to "deal" with them at kids club.
Despite my hate, God brought me to love. And I left Newark loving it and loving the inner city. I worked on the "manna" team which meant we cooked food for a mass of people every night, and during the daytime were teacher assistants at this missional school called the World Impact Centre. I made sure the foods were cooked well with the right spices and ingredients. That was the gift I contributed to my team- my flavor anointing. During the day, I assisted a class of 7 5th grade students, mostly from low-income families, but at a very good school. The school wasn't rich. In fact the teachers have to raise their entire salaries, but it was a very good school. All my kids were very bright even though the boys were super ADHD.
Sensitive is the primary word you can use to describe me during this week. I got easily anxious, upset, excited, exhilarated. I was always at emotional extremes and my feelings were vulnerable and easily hurt.
It was a miracle that happened. Before my brother's recent sickness and this trip, I was very apathetic and all my feelings were suppressed. I could not feel any joy in what I could do. But I did cry out to God in my despair. I was actually very angry at him. It seemed that he was at times that he was good but not powerful enough to heal me, or powerful but not good enough to heal me. The depths of my heart could only see despair. It was veiled with an icy cold layer which prohibited me from seeing or hearing God.
It was a miracle that I was sensitized. For the first time in who knows how long I am able to sing loud and out of key with no shame, dance recklessly in pure joy, act foolish for the cross of Jesus, I take hold of my victory I have in him. God has made me into a child again. His child. I am no longer an orphan. I can see and I can hear and I can taste what the Lord has for me and his people.
What do I feel? What do I sense?
An overwhelming peace.
Through my progressive healing, God enabled me to love people more. People who I have judged, whether they were the crazy kids or people in my chapter who I labeled and wrote off as being something they're not. God has opened up my heart and mind as he is helping me release my pride and bring everything to the cross. As he is breaking my chains that suppress me, in shyness, from really getting to be with people.
God is placing a new song on my lips. Life feels like life. Not a mundane, meaningless cycle.
And some conclusion about post undergrad has cleared up. I'm going home this summer. How long will I be there. For however long until God tells me to leave to become a teacher or go to seminary for education. Because I found something that through Newark, God showed me I could do: teach.
I am partially nervous about going home. I don't have a car there. I won't have a close-knit college community. And I never liked Manassas. In fact, I went to college with my heart set on never returning to Manassas for longer than a few weeks at a time. It is only by the grace of God that I feel called to go home, and help take care of my brother and reconcile myself to my family and that place I always hated so much.
I talked to my mom this evening about the decision. And I mentioned that I was praying that God would provide me a car to get around in. She surprised me, telling me that she's been praying since Christmas that God would provide a car for me and I have only started to pray about it!
Romans 8 sums it all up pretty well. I read it in one of my quiet times this past week, and ended up reading it with a few of my other friends. Through Christ, I am more than a conqueror of my depression. I am more than a conqueror of my sin. I have the victory.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)