what i am running from

Somebody recently told me that, like Jonah, I'm running away from something God wants me to do and what ever that is, that's what I should be doing.

As he said that, in my heart I completely knew it was true. In my head I said, "That can't be! I've kept my options open to do anything!"

But today I realized that it wasn't about doing it RIGHT now or even the very near future, but positioning my heart in a place where it's getting READY. And I have not focused my heart at all on something that a year ago I would tell basically everyone and anyone I wanted to do.

I realize that running away has nothing to do with "keeping my options open." I avoid thinking about. I avoid praying about it. I am negligent to tell people about my trip to Kenya and uncomfortable and awkward when I try to explain it. I am more negligent of world news (which is mighty easy with politics always on the tube).

I have tried my hardest to assimilate (not integrate) into a society which I re-entered after a two month cross-cultural trip. Which was hard. And I am still affected by it. I try to make myself fit in as much as possible in the cultural climate I'm in. Some might say that's good and healthy to try to place prior prejudices aside and try to get along with everyone...but as I mentioned...there's a distinct difference between integration (good) and assimilation (bad) and I have too easily assimilated here.

Now I can hardly imagine doing what I wanted to do a year ago, although I still set it as an option for later on.

When is "later one?

Why am I running away? Why am I completely shut down to doing any sort of missions work (I mean c'mon, you've had to guess that with the context)?

Fear. I am scared. If I keep talking about my heart condition I'll completely demean myself. I am afraid of motives, most of all. And I'm afraid I'm not good enough and I can not love enough and that I need to be near perfect before I can even consider doing missions work. And lastly, a concern I rarely used to have, I'm afraid of no security- no money, no health benefits, no steady community, no future fill in the blank. I really like life cushy and comfortable right now.

So there it is. Pray for me, yes?