Life comes with decisions and making decisions involves human motivations. I think I most fear my motivations.
However, I am beginning to let go. Release my guilt and shame upon the Cross and leave it there.
When I was scared of my motivations, it was hard to move forward, to make any big steps. But I feel somewhat ready now.
People often misunderstand my need for change. I don't hate Manassas. I am simply there. I don't feel any strong love for it, but there is no longer any dislike or discord between me and this place. I have existed back here for over a year, and I feel good and healthy about where I am now. I have come a long way.
This long year has carried a lot of sorrow. It's not quite a Job-like sorrow where he has everything, loses all of it, but faithfully seeks after God. I did not have everything, I lost some of what I had and for a good long while, after a lot of loud, boisterous yelling- I halted my seeking after Him. I just couldn't care anymore. Everything was hopeless. I sought my own understanding of things. I was more like the reflections of Solomon's life in Ecclesiastes.
Like Solomon, I had a lot of knowledge but I had pretention I passed off as wisdom. And that knowledge led to much grief, and that grief led to much dying. I let go of knowledge, and letting go of it was one of the best things I could do (even though I feel dumb). I am not saying I have stopped pursuing learning. I just don't strive to know everything and be the highly exalted enlightened one. I don't care about it anymore. It means absolutely nothing to me.
This year has involved a lot of letting go. There are some things I still need to let go of. God and I spoke together and we are on the same page--I know what I need to let go of. But it's the hardest challenge I have, and the one I feel the most pathetic talking about. But it's an idol that I always seek after instead of God. My seeking has to go toward a better direction.
Manassas is an odd town. And there are things I love about it. I know I eventually will leave- how and when are two things which remain a foggy mystery.
Hating a place and just simply knowing you don't belong are two different things. I am not meant to live here for a long time. But I will enjoy my time here.
How does one be content and discontent at the same time about where they are? I don't know, but that's where I am right now. I am perfectly happy, but striving forward. I know there's more for me out there. At one point my growth here will cease being and it will be time to move. It will not be out of discord. I will not cut myself off from Manassas.
I will not disappear off the face of the planet...but one day soon, it'll be time to walk forward.
