I am Aleph: so little restraint but longing for it.

My facebook fast officially ended last Sunday night. I looked at facebook briefly, but it had no appeal to me. As the days continue, facebook has been luring me further and further back to itself. Ugh. I know that sounds sick. I have been a little bored editing data entry at work so it makes me want to spend more time on facebook- but NO!

I do not need to give up something completely. But I need to learn self-control. I have been maintaining it since the fast, but it keeps getting harder. I have not been able to spend as much time with Jesus as I would have liked to this week, since I have been incredibly busy with two jobs.

What does it mean to exhibit self-control? Why is it so important?

Before the days of facebook, when myspace was still popular and blogspot was virtually unknown, there was xanga. Xanga was like blogging jr. It seemed directed at youth. It was a kind of like a social network/blog. People normally did not blog about important items, just stupid things about their own lives.

I remember at one point, I completely deleted all my xangas (yes, I had various ones as I have various blogs). One day, I threw in the towel, and started my xanga back up. My xanga name? SoLittleRestraint...man. It's like when you you're being bad, but you embrace it all the more.

Social networks are of course not inherently evil, but when I consider all the time I have spent on them rather than in God's word, I feel like a complete fool.

I am starting to study Psalm 119. I have always fled away from this chapter, because it's so LONG. Long and seemingly redundant. He repeats law, commandments, statutes, precepts, works over and over again. I have always been a good rule follower, but when I gave my life to God, I took a big dump on the rules. I hated them and their association with good, cookie-cutter Christianity. I was a reckless beginner, completely infatuated by God's grace that I ignored the things that would keep me steadfast, stable, on solid ground.

I see the fruit of that now. I do not have much solid ground, I am always in the sinking sand. I hate the word self-control and in all the years I have been a believer have not had a good grasp on it- I either became legalistic in response, or a hippie rebel. True to form, I would consider my faith over the past years as hippie-like...I do faith, bible study, accountability, discipleship, service, PRAYER when I FEEL LIKE IT. I did that to not become legalistic. But then these practices never came into full being.

To be quite honest, for years I raged a silent war in my heart against people who "did their devotionals" every day. Oh, how I loathed this word, devotional. I had a "let it be" mentality. But now, in maturing, I realize that I have only given myself a passive faith that can easily be preyed upon. I seek to develop these spiritual disciplines more and more- not out of legalism. Out of a desire to draw closer to my King and Creator. To speak with him. To be with him. All this time when I just wanted to be, I did NOT KNOW HOW to be.

Now as I am seeking to develop these disciplines, I find myself relating to Aleph.

Psalm 119 begins with a double blessing for people who walk with God outwardly and inwardly.

"Blessed are those whose way is blameless,
who walk in the law of the Lord!
Blessed are those who keep their testimonies,
who seek him with their whole heart,
who also do no wrong, but walk in his ways."

Honestly, my first reaction is UGHHHH. Maybe it's because I am jaded. Growing up in Christian culture, I was always strongly encouraged to obey the rules, keep the law, don't have sex, don't drink. K, Thanks for the talk on Christ redeeming our lives on the Cross. Oh wait, where did that come in? So obviously, these words have bad, legalistic associations. As a kid, I followed HARD after God following every single rule possible. I also did not have many friends. Looking back, I see that God had set me apart and gave me a somewhat pure heart through all of this discipline- those were the benefits. But when I came into a new realization of the gospel, I wondered why leaders focused more on the rules than on love.

Now, after recognizing my jadedness, I must move forward and ask God for new a perspective. And ask questions like-

What does it mean to live by the law of the Lord?
How can I seek him with a whole heart?
What the heck does it mean to "keep his testimonies?"
Why do I want to walk in righteousness instead of doing wrong?

When I write those questions out, it makes sense. If I want to seek God with my whole heart, my heart beat should be aligned with his. He expresses his perfection in his law- although we as humans can never expect to live up to it completely, we can be blameless.

What does it mean to be blameless?
It's a life fully integrated around the the Lord's law (according to my IVP commentary). I also have been beginning to study Luke and yesterday I read of Zechariash and Elizabeth, servants of God, held blameless in his sight. It simpy means that they were faithful to God, especially in the hard circumstances of Elizabeth being barren.

In verses 1-4, Aleph looks at a person who is blameless in God's sight. In his shoes, I would be annoyed. "UGH. Why can't I get there? Why are they so freakin GOOD?" Aleph expresses longing to be like this- to be a faithful servant walking with the Lord in keeping his precepts diligently. To have the obedience flow not only outward but inward.

Aleph sees the VALUE in these qualities and he wants them:

verses 5-8
Oh that my ways be steadfast,
in keeping your statutes!
Then I will not be put to shame,
having my eyes fixed on your commandments.
I will praise you with an upright heart,
when I learn your righteous rules.
I will keep your statures;
do not utterly forsake me!

WOW. How refreshingly HUMAN. He wants to be kept steadfast,being set in way of the Lord, but he is afraid his quest would be set to disappointment. So he makes these HUGE promises, and begs the Lord to not utterly forsake him. I think we should make these promises, we need to get goals for ourselves. But in it, we remember God's promises to us. "I will not leave you or forsake you. I will be with you always." In Christ, we have the incredible promise that developing disciplines and meditating on his word will not be in vain. While chasing after everything else may come fruitless, there is promise in the living word of God!

He pursues us. But we should not hold back, and be lazy in pursuing him. Those of us in Christ, have established a covenant- a marriage pact. How can we try to know God, if we do not spend serious amounts of time talking with him every day?

As for me, I want to know God and I want to glorify him and not myself. His ways are perfect, his statutes are given to protect us and guard our hearts.

In trying to obtain peace in life, I am learning to love both the law and the grace. Both are incomplete without the other.

Make me complete, Abba. Give me self-control to not spend all my time in idoltry but to live in you completely. To get to know you like I have never known anyone before. Amen.