Man, I hate it when people are not straight with me.
If someone thinks something will hurt me and doesn't tell me something because of that, that makes me feel worse then whatever news they weren't going to tell me. It says that I can't handle being hurt. And really, I get hurt most when people aren't straight with me. Whatever it is, by itself, is not normally a big deal to me. Not at all. This particular thing would've been nothing if EVERYONE involved who knew, just told me.

And I hate, hate, hate it when people make assumptions. Just because I don't make plans leap years ahead of time doesn't mean I won't make plans. And people need to tell me when they make plans that effect me. Because it EFFECTS me. It hurts most when I just happen to incidentally find out stuff just from browsing on facebook.

I am not someone who gets hurt quite often. Let me rephrase, I don't let people hurt me. I don't let people in quite enough to effect me. I know that's wrong. I know I need to be effected by people. That's part of life. But I usually don't until something escalates. And then I remember everything. And that's when it sucks the most.

Why do I feel like no one ever likes to truthfully communicate with me? I am very truthful and honest about my feelings when people just ask. And it's not like I'm ever imply, "Bitch, why you eff me up like that? You'll have nothing to do with me anymore!"

For example, I used to like a boy. (This is different from what was driving my anger expressed above). I liked him for awhile. I never told him when I did because I didn't want to be effected by a possible negative response. Well, it turns out he caught drift that I might like him, and thus avoided me. Just because of the possibility that I might read him the wrong way if he hung around. And I might've. But why couldn't both of us ever be straight about this, until it after past, and I said something? He's apologized for being a jerk about the avoidance, but I just shrugged it off like it was ok. And it wasn't, at least when I liked him, it wasn't. Why couldn't I just say that. Why do I always have to say that everything is ok? When I'm not OK! In keeping my usual distance from people, I had to shrug him off and not let his response effect me, cause guess what, emotions would have to be dealt with. I would have to deal with actual, non-passive, but active emotions.

So even when I try, and (this is not even the matter driving this entry) my distance does not allow me to be 100% straight with people, and they can't be straight with me. Why can't we all just learn how to communicate? Why do we have to be so sneaky?

It was hard for me to ask questions. It's easier for me to avoid the answers.

In one of my favorite movies, Amelie, the protagonist has to face this. Same as I, she doesn't want a reality check. She'd rather either be anonymously helping people or caught up in the own world she's created around her.

Towards the end, a friend gives her helpful advice, though not even in person but through the media of a video tape.

"So, my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton."

In this context, this applies to a romantic situation she finds herself pursuing and then running away from. But this also applies to just about every interpersonal situation we find ourselves in. We or other people act like we are more fragile than in reality. And all that results from it is a dry, cold heart, distant from letting anyone truly infiltrate.


And so I, Janelle, must find some way out of this world I've found myself falling dreamily into. Maybe then people won't treat me as though I'm so fragile. Maybe then I can let people in.