I am on the verge of tears over the most seemingly small matters.

Basically, I know it's good to be dependent on others. We're called to live in community. What does it mean to live in community? Share your gifts with others to serve and love on them. Use your blessings for the same thing. Help one another along. Never be too individualistic, too independent. Be there for each other. Encourage one another.

I get a lot of it. But in some things I just don't and what I'm about to write on doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is.

I don't have car. I don't know if I'll ever get one and if I'll ever have the money to get one (getting/keeping a job and saving money is for me something nearly impossible to do). If I had one, I don't know how comfortable I'd even feel comfortable using it around Newport News or for long-distance travel. I don't even like cars. I don't like the cost. I don't the pollution. I don't like all the gas that gets used up that will lead to some, probably, catastrophic events.

And this has become a burden for me.
Not having a car.

I feel way too reliant on people. And yet, I'm supposed to be reliant. But to this extent, it feels like a burden people are usually unwilling to carry. It's very rarely that I'll find anyone who wants to drive me around just so I can do errands, go grocery shopping (find a job). Because of this, I'm very shy about asking and when I do it, it's usually in a very passive way.

When you live in a town where there's no reliable public transportation, it gets very hard. I wish public transit here was much better than it is. It sucks.

Next weekend, I have to go to a retreat in Wake Forest, NC for Students Training In Missions. The nearest people going are in Richmond, and for any of them to pick me up would be out of the way. So I need someone to give me a ride to Richmond or to Wake Forest, and I'm very reluctant to ask anyone because somehow I find so much shame in asking. In asking someone to take so many hours out of their day just to take me.

It doesn't seem right that such a material thing like owning a car should affect me so emotionally. It brings me to tears sometimes. And most of that is self-pity, that I am a huge burden for people, and I need Christ to take me away from that.

So, we are called to be in community. To carry each other's burdens. And to LET people carry our burdens (it's pride if we don't). I suppose I just have so much bottled up pride I don't let go of. But most people just don't let you be comfortable about asking them for a ride.

There's a question that I've been wrestling around with a lot. And it's been haunting me.

Am I put into this world for one main purpose...is there something here I'm meant for? Or is God pleased with whatever I do as long as I devote myself to him?

I don't know if that question is worded just how I want it to be, but hopefully you get the idea. God's will for my life, is it direct or indirect? Is there a career that I'm absolutely meant for? Or is that in my hands? Right now, I can say I have no idea.

I don't really even know how to pray about it really. And I don't know how to discern God's will. I don't even know for that matter what spiritual gifts I have. And that can be important while trying to determine a pathway. All I know, is that I have a lot of passion. There are so many things I would drop everything to do. So, what do I do?

In theory, I have a year and a half left at school. The pressure is on. People are asking me what I want to do when I get out. A lot of my friends already have plans. People are wondering what plans I have, and I keep making new ones. Over and over again. I revise everything. First, I want to be a teacher, then I want to give the film thing a shot, thoughts of going into the ministry keep intriguing me, and then I think, "ooo, what about culinary school?"

I wanna open a small forward-thinking cafe. I wanna join the peace corps. I wanna write for magazines. I wanna write for movies. I wanna be a college professor. I wanna teach hard-to-do kids. I wanna be a part of a church plant. I wanna work for social justice. I wanna be the next Rachel Ray. I wanna live in Oregon. I wanna live in Africa. I wanna be a wife and have kids.

I don't know anything. I think that's OK. Really I do. I just don't know how closely I'm paying attention to God and his plan. So, ok, I know God has a plan. He can't plan the end and not plan the means. But is it really so specific? I try to pray about it. Really I do.

And let's say I don't pray. I don't think too seriously about it. Do I just whim it? 'Cause that's what I feel like I'm doing right now. Just chasing the wind.

Will God's will still intercede through my "whimming"?

It has to, right?
God is sovereign after all.



What are my gifts?
What is my purpose? What am I here for?
I always laughed at the Purpose Driven Life. I think now's the time to give that book a chance.