I am on the verge of tears over the most seemingly small matters.

Basically, I know it's good to be dependent on others. We're called to live in community. What does it mean to live in community? Share your gifts with others to serve and love on them. Use your blessings for the same thing. Help one another along. Never be too individualistic, too independent. Be there for each other. Encourage one another.

I get a lot of it. But in some things I just don't and what I'm about to write on doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is.

I don't have car. I don't know if I'll ever get one and if I'll ever have the money to get one (getting/keeping a job and saving money is for me something nearly impossible to do). If I had one, I don't know how comfortable I'd even feel comfortable using it around Newport News or for long-distance travel. I don't even like cars. I don't like the cost. I don't the pollution. I don't like all the gas that gets used up that will lead to some, probably, catastrophic events.

And this has become a burden for me.
Not having a car.

I feel way too reliant on people. And yet, I'm supposed to be reliant. But to this extent, it feels like a burden people are usually unwilling to carry. It's very rarely that I'll find anyone who wants to drive me around just so I can do errands, go grocery shopping (find a job). Because of this, I'm very shy about asking and when I do it, it's usually in a very passive way.

When you live in a town where there's no reliable public transportation, it gets very hard. I wish public transit here was much better than it is. It sucks.

Next weekend, I have to go to a retreat in Wake Forest, NC for Students Training In Missions. The nearest people going are in Richmond, and for any of them to pick me up would be out of the way. So I need someone to give me a ride to Richmond or to Wake Forest, and I'm very reluctant to ask anyone because somehow I find so much shame in asking. In asking someone to take so many hours out of their day just to take me.

It doesn't seem right that such a material thing like owning a car should affect me so emotionally. It brings me to tears sometimes. And most of that is self-pity, that I am a huge burden for people, and I need Christ to take me away from that.

So, we are called to be in community. To carry each other's burdens. And to LET people carry our burdens (it's pride if we don't). I suppose I just have so much bottled up pride I don't let go of. But most people just don't let you be comfortable about asking them for a ride.