just because i want to write

words to sum up this week:

exhausting
exhilarating

Last week ended and this week began with my STIM retreat. Rachel very kindly drove me to Richmond to meet up with VCU kids (all of whom I didn't know prior) to drive down to Wake Forest, NC. Coming in, I was stressed out and nervous. I left, not the same. I met and connected with a whole bunch of cool people and God was teaching me a lot about the biblical basis of missions work.

After I was back in Newport News, I wrote this prayer on my wrist:

Jesus give me the heart to share you with people.

That message compounded me (If that's the correct word). The thing is, I did not have the heart to share the gospel with people, but I believe God is answering that prayer, taking me, and reshaping my outlook on things.

It's incredible what God does when you ask.

Also, I'm not a vegetarian anymore. I'm a dignitarian (eat free range, local farm meat). I think I might buy some chicken next time I'm out (refer to my myspace for explanation).

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Something else God has impressed on my heart this week...

I am gifted.

This might sound a little arrogant (but it's not since we're all gifted). I'm just realizing where I am gifted...writing. These blogs might not make a lot of sense sometimes. I am certainly nothing worthy of literary attention. But God did gift me here, and being an English major has been incredible so far, because I get a lot of encouragement from my professors.

For one class, I wrote a paper that I felt was completely wrong because I felt it didn't answer the question my prof was looking for. When we had to revise it, I sent it to him, because I didn't know what to do. He printed it out and made copies and the class read it aloud. I was so embarrassed. I counted the number of sentences that ended with prepositions and was shamed. We discussed different things from the paper almost the entire class. And I felt like I couldn't contribute. And I didn't want to be the pompous who remarks, "Well, since this is MY paper..." Even with the embarrassment I was really flattered and just prayed for a miniscule ego.

God continuously showed me this week that I'm gifted. And I'm beginning to let him impress upon me my spiritual gifts. And I need to know I'm gifted because I walk around a lot, pitying myself for my lack of ability.
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Jamaica Kincaid came to talk at CNU on Thursday. She's a world famous author. She writes a lot about family and the place she's from. I want to do that. I want to write to find my voice. Do I yet have a distinct voice? I don't know but I know I want to be like her someday, only not her. Me. She seemed so down to earth. World famous writer, swaying around as she talked and playing with her scarf. It made me happy.

She said some words that affected me. One I'm left with.
"I'd rather die for the truth, then live with a lie."

I don't know if she's Christian but that spoke loads to me about sharing Christ with others. How can I live with the lie that we don't need Christ. And I also thought about the ramifications of telling the truth sometimes. It isn't always greeted fondly. I thought about the crucicfixion, and I turned it to today. Meaning, I thought about what it'd be like for me to die a death anywhere near the harshness of Jesus'. Morbid, I know. But this is truly changing my life, right now, as we speak.

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Recycle Fest had been hanging over me all week. I was so nervous. Intervarsity was competing in a contest where different campus clubs build scupltures out of recycled materials to represent their club. I organized IV's team and tried my best to recruit people. Getting closer, I was uneasy. We had no concept for what the scuplture would look life, and I hadn't heard from a lot of the people I recruited.

And everything of course came together wonderfully. We built a "tree of life" rooted in love (meaning we made hearts for the bottom). It was fantastic. We had more than enough people, more that enough materials. Everyone contributed significantly. I was just coordinating them, most of the good work was done by others.

And we won. We won $300 for IV. That's not just chump change. I heard some congratulating me and yes, I organized the team and came up with the concept but the only reason the tree was so great is the creative minds that went into it. But still, it feels so nice to feel of worth. I so little feel that. And God in different, small but mighty ways, has been showing me my worth. And I am in total awe of him.

That's all.