Finding my identity in Christ

Apparently, I'm unique. People always like to tell me this. I have an oddball personality, I wear outrageously bright colors in line with Claudia from the Babysitters Club, I have a distinct outlook on life where I always have to scrape beyond the surface of things, I do slightly outlandish things sometimes, like run into the Indian Ocean, fully clothed, when we need to pack to leave the next day. A few people have told me that I am the most unique girl they ever met. And quite frankly, this scares me.

When I honestly look at my uniqueness, I wonder if it's God-made or self-made. Because, really, I take a lot of pride in being different. I wear weird outfits on purpose. I listen to obscure music and watch obscure movies. I read up on the latest trends before they become wide-known. What it's turned me into is a pretentious hipster. The thing that hits me most is that I read books on hip theology more than I read the Word of God. I listen to music more than I spend time in silence, reflecting and hearing for God's voice. I blog more than I honestly record my thoughts in a private journal, just between me and God. My thoughts tend to be more stream-of-conscience then prayerful. I spend more time in front of a tv set, watching some old artsy movie than I do just simply drinking tea with my friends and REALLY listening to what's going on in their lives.

So, what do I find my identity in, my so-called uniqueness or as a daughter of Christ? I discovered in Kenya that it was in my difference. In this foreign culture, where I didn't have movies, or my music, where I limited myself to 3 shirts and no jewerly, where time was spent more relationally than induced in tasks, I began to see myself as I really was. The sin in my life bubbled up to the surface. Being a hipster made no difference in this context; I had to find who I really, truly was, in Christ.

And the truth is, I'm still looking. Kenya didn't fix me, it just gave me some pointers. When I tell people about myself, I usually tell them my preferences in music and movies or what I like to do, like cook or read or write. But I don't really know this person deep inside of me. I don't know what it is to truly love people. I don't even know what my love language is. I want to listen to people, but I cannot turn myself off sometimes when I talk to them. When people on the trip affirmed me, they told me how brutally honest I am and how transparent I am about my struggles. Those are good things, but how can I tap into who God created me to be? Who is the woman I am supposed to become? I want to do ministry, but how can I get to know peoples' needs when I don't know myself.

Back here, in America, I am tempted to once again become pretentious hipster, Janelle. But this not who I am in Christ. I need to carry out the work God began in Africa. But I need Him to carry it out to completion. This means, driving out my American distractions- movies, books, music, computer. It's not like I need to completely avoid them, but I need to be careful. I need to press forward to the goal of knowing Christ. I want to know him more. I want to be seeking his face and not my own accomplishments, not my own uniqueness. In knowing him, I will find my true identity.

I believe that God made me unique. It's been evident since I was a little girl. But Satan has taken this gift and has been using it for my own human pride. Ok, so I'm unique,.I write well and I'm passionate about it. I know a lot about the Christian faith and scripture. I am a fairly intelligent person despite being flighty. I am honest about everything. I have been a good child, always obeying the rules. Never diverting too far from my Christian upbringing (even though I became a liberal, which isn't Christian to my parents).

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

And here is my prayer:

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

(Philippians 3:7-11)


So, I will no longer put confidence in my flesh. In being unique. In being hip. In being smart.I do not want anything to differentiate me from the body of Christ. And the only thing I want that sets me apart from humankind is being found in Christ. I may be unique, but I'm not any more special than anyone else. And we have all been uniquely made and lovingly created.

You hem me in- behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths
you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there, your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you
the night will shine like the day
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful.
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the
depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there's any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

(Psalm 139:6-16, 23-24)