I want to grow closer to God.

I've been having a hard time doing that in this context (this place).


I need a lot of purposeful, intentional time to myself.


And I really like Cape Canaveral by Conor Oberst. Weird. I hated him when he was Bright Eyes.

Ha. I really need to weed out distractions.

It's time to weed and seed.

an inconsistent blog of staggering brilliance

This post has no topic I'm staying with, so keep up.


I am officially employed. By Starbucks. Unless you know me real well, you don't understand the hilarity of this. A year ago, I would NEVER work at Starbucks. I thought they were a corporate devil, kicking out the smaller, more local coffee businesses. I didn't even like their coffee. But now I am working for them. How do I feel?

Not guilty. I think they have picked up some better ethics. And the more I learn about them, the more I like them.

However, part of me feels like I have sold myself short. Not that there is anything wrong with being a barista. Some people make a rather nice profession out of it. But I feel like I have just signed up to never leave Manassas. I mean, of course if I move, I can work at a Starbucks elsewhere. Duh. But will I have enough money to move anywhere? I'd have to be really really smart about saving money.

I feel, since I don't have a well-paying full-time job I'm gonna be in Manassas forever. That's like, one of my top 3 fears in life.

warning: you may need a dictionary to get through this part of my post

Moving on...eschatology. One of my least favorite topics has been fascinating me lately. I don't really like getting in depth about end times study. Sometimes I feel that its a big waste of time. Then end times theologians will use these verbose words that no one really knows the true meaning of and take literal interpretations out of very very metaphorical, symbolic passages. Also, some churches put WAY too much emphases on eschatology, especially those who uphold the dispensational pre-millennialist view point (see what I mean by verbose words?). Their eschatology determines almost everything they do. I mean, seriously, what about the gospel? It's secondary. Jesus' 1000 year earthly reign: far more important.

I can see from my readings that I am not dispensationalist. I don't think there will be a rapture or a 1000 year reign. I am not a postmillenialist, which is this viewpoint held by many progressives that Christ will return, after we, as humans, save the world. Uh-huh. That's a tad optimistic.

I like amillennialism the best out of three, but that doesn't completely satisfy me. I like how it views the reign of Christ as a symbolic reign through the years, but that still Christ is coming back and will consummate new heavens and new earth. The thing I like most about it is that it points more towards Christ and not towards human works. I like the ideas of covenant theology and partial preterism. But I don't think the whole thing is completely infallible.

I think eschatology is one of those mysteries of God which we are not supposed to have hammered out. I don't think it should dictate how we live our faith.

Will I do further research on this? Depends. It's not high on my priority list but good stuff to read to quench curiosity.

On to other things, I have just rejoined myspace. And I ran into a myspace page of "This American Life," a hilarious radio show on NPR. Unbeknown st to me, they have a TV show now on Showtime, and I browsed through some pretty great clips of it.
Here are my favorite two:

1) TAL TV: The Beard Chart



Visit ThisAmericanLife.org for more.


2) TAL TV:This Little Piggy Made Me VomitVisit ThisAmericanLife.org for more.

t-shirts that "fit" me, the English dork

A couple of volunteers at the park came in on their day off to wish me goodbye. One of them had a Shakespeare shirt on and thought I'd be proud...

and that started an investigation.









http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/womens-light-tshirt/124060289




http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/walt-whitman/25568355




http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/quit-work-go-to-the-woods-w-dark-tshirt/177557392#




http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/so-much-depends-kids-tshirt/50900062



http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/literary-emily-dickinson-poetry-womens-light-tsh/107216442

a little tired from job hunting

I'm struggling to figure out what is more important to me at THIS POINT of my life- a meaningful job I can be passionate about, or a job where I make bank.

I seem unable to obtain either.

The job market sucks. I'm gonna write a screenplay and maybe make a movie with Nicole. Maybe thats what it should about. Liberal arts majors trying to get paid to DO SOMETHING. Anything. Kinda like 'Reality Bites' but apply it to today's terrible economy and slightly different lifestyles.

Tomorrow's my last day at Prince William Forest Park. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna miss working. But then again it will be nice to be able to find A JOB and not slave labor (aka SCA internship).

these non-pessimistic posts keep coming

This will be optimistic post #2.

God is showing me he is faithful and that he provides. Even though I don't have any bites for full-time salaried jobs.

I had an interview for a coffee shop in Clifton yesterday and will have an interview for a part-time after school job teaching English on Thursday.

I'm hoping I get both jobs- and together that will almost be like a real job!

But it's good to know I'm not stranded, doing nothing after my internship. I got some possibilities. Who knows where they will lead?

Asante sana Yesu!

all you need is love

I am DONE being a pessimist.

It's time to find joy in life. Not scrutinize it, yanking out all the bad things. Dwelling on all the uncertainty. Embrace uncertainty. It's exciting. It's adventurous. It's a wild ride.

My life is a life in flux (hence the name of the blog).

I notice that listening to oldies lifts up my spirits.

But even more so, feeling loved.

We had a family reunion this weekend. Now that was love. It's love when you see people you have only met once or twice in your life and they fully embrace you.

I feel love from being able to converse with older women without feeling the generation gap. But simply chatting and being affirmed by them as a woman.

I feel love when I eat my grandma's cooking.

I feel love when I can get along wonderfully with my cousin who couldn't be more different than me.

I feel love when a college friend calls me just because.

I feel love when friends invite me out, even if I can't go.

I feel love when I embarrass myself beyond belief but everybody just laughs.

I feel love when someone cleans up after me.

I feel love from seeing friends at weddings.

I feel love from weirdo inside jokes such as klaus the gnome.

I feel God's love when finding a new place I had yet to discover.

I feel God's love when I can find joy from a simple car ride down a winding road.

I feel love when people read my stories and poems even though I'm kind of embarrassed by them.

I feel God's love when I experience humorous consequences from mistakes I make.

I feel love when dancing in a group of friends.

I feel love when my grandma talks up my acting based simply on a videotape of a high school play I was in.

I feel love when my friends stalk my facebook.

I feel love when I watch the office with my brother.

I feel love when my old roommate still texts me Arrested Development lines.

I feel love when people affirm my talents. Or that I'm smart. Or beautiful.

I feel love with the couple of friends who I know I can call about my problems and they will really listen. No matter when.

In many areas, I don't feel love. And I want that love but I know it'll take time.

I need to let go of my expectations and embrace the love I do have.

On a slightly related note, I love oldies music. It's idealistically romantic. That reminds me I shouldn't settle on whatever seems to be in front of me. Or whatever seems easy. That sorta love IS out there for me, and it'll be grand, but I cannot settle for less. Or focus on boys who won't pursue me.

That sort of love is out there. But for now, I do have love. God loves me. My family loves me. And my friends love me. And I have friends everywhere. In different cities, states and even countries.

I love that.

i have written a lot of little poems lately. i need to start revising.


i have an ongoing novel-turned-movie cinematically panning scenes through my head. but i find little rest to write it all down.


i have ignored my bounds of summer reading.

its not like i have too much to do.

it's that i have a one-track mind- lift. run. yoga. hike. bike. eat a little. socialize.resumes.cover letters. repeat several times over.

i'm sorry literature, the elliptical machine is now my best friend. until i'm at a nice weight, i may speak with you less often.

god, i will try not to do the same to you.

a little letter

Dear Lord,

When I fall in love, I want it to be as filled with startling, all-consuming passion as the movie "Music From Another Room."

Does that exist?

Look forward to hearing your response!

Your Daughter,
Janelle