on my writing block

Anyone who reads my blog might assume I am depressed most of the time, going from highs to lows- but that's just what gets recorded. My blog entries are the edited clips of my life. Most of the time I am rather mellow and complacent. Though, it's easy for me drop fast. But then again, I am a writer.

I don't know what the deal is about the link between the ability to write and one's mental health. I love reading author biographies in the Norton Anthologies I had in school. They all seemed to end up with some futile, hopeless fate. They get severely depressed and throw themself into a river; they are sick of society's restrictions and decide a pill overdose will release them from their marital problems; they become chronic alcoholics and can never seem to find a fulfilling relationship.

I guess I dwell on all of this to admit that I'm scared of writing. I've not written a story or a poem in a matter of months. I keep wondering what aside from laziness is keeping me from my craft.I write to tell the truth. And the truth is often depressing as hell.

Some writers can write depressing stories of life's truthful pains and somehow sound irreverent. One can read it, sorta feel bad, but all at the same time, draw a wicked smile out of the story. I guess that's why I am so drawn to black comedy. That's why I'm so prone to sarcasm and cynicism.But even that is self-defeating. And people don't often read sarcasm in my stories, they read the defeat. Even though I have a distinct capability to stay irreverent in my verbal interactions, it does not translate into my writing.Is it from being just an amateur writer, or is it just not who I really am?

The truth is this: I am unlike those writers who bestowed wicked fates upon themselves. I have hope. Yes, I am mildly depressed, but out of the cracks that run through me, there's light that can't wait to tear through. Light hurts. I don't know how much people realize that when contrasting light and darkness. Darkness is comfortable. It hurts a lot more to sit with the lights shining bright on you. It's exposing. Christians are representations of Christ's light. I am a Christian. Yet I am sitting here, in a dim lit room, all too comfortable where I am.

A lot of writers dwell in darkness the whole time. That's why I cannot read a lot of writers I want to read and I cannot write a whole lot right now. Only a certain amount of darkness is comfortable for me. Any more will swallow me whole.The real challenge is how can I be a writer who dwells in light? Wouldn't I rather be that? Wouldn't that be less life-draining and more life-giving? Wouldn't that remove the cliche of becoming a hopelessly depressed writer with nothing but haze in front of them?

I used to do it. My most inspired times of writing have resulted outof very intimate quiet times hearing from God. But I haven't had it for awhile. So all I can offer my pages is quiet hollowness and doubt.

I've been avoiding writing while simultaneously avoiding my relationship with my Creator, who helps me create. It's time to embrace both. It's time to sit in some light.