I am hungry for..

-God, Jesus, Spirit- three in one

-Community achieved on a deeper level

-Scripture- I have kind of been at a loss of where to start lately

-to be satisfied in my singleness

-to lay aside my hunger to be in a relationship to pursue more important things

(putting God back as #1, justice, righteousness, closer friendships)

-the pursuit of close and intentional friendships (especially where I am currently located)

-fellowship with other women

-responsibility

-playtime

-good reads

-to feel beautiful and know that I am

- a continuous prayer life

- to become what I am meant to be in Christ

- a lack of apathy to pursue these things

I am grateful for..

(in no particular order)

New clothes

seeing Laura McGrath (being encouraged by her, and being vulnerable)

being able to switch cars with my dad so I do not exceed miles on my car lease

finally getting to go on a movie date with the Seegers

seeing my best friend Bekah

the fact that two of my best friends are dating

encouraging Frontline sermons

finding a little church to go to in Leesburg

the church family I still have in other places

a God who sees me as beautiful, rather than a crooked, ugly thing

my parents' relentless sacrifices

having a bedroom to go back to at my parents' house

being able to eat food on a somewhat more regular basis

being able to lay down and rest when I am sick

being able to help feed a family in need for Thanksgiving

being able to make direct contact with them

being inspired by small things

listening to good music is always therapeutic

getting engrossed in movies with weak plots and bad acting just to spend time with my dad

having friends nearly everywhere i go

seeing the miracle that is my older brother, Justin

a God who will not forget me even when I don't see him

a week of thanks, giving, and food

Suddenly, I have a new appreciation for Thanksgiving this year.

Early years-- it was never a big deal. It was a good time to hang with family, especially if relatives came but the constant consumption of football put a damper on things. I always fought to watch the parade and start watching Christmas movies. I also fought to play games. Sometimes they would appease one of these notions or make me watch my movie in the other room. I never liked watching movies alone on Thanksgiving. On good memory was of my cousins coming one year (cousins who I had only met once as a very small child) and one of them watching Little Nicky with me. Yes, an awful movie, but the fact that I had a family member who would prefer bad movie over football meant a lot. A

Also, I always hated Thanksgiving food. Turkey and cranberry sauce has never done it for me. My favorite food memory was when my grandma came to also hates this kind of food. We had lasagna.

While in college, it was a great time to catch up with family but a major roadblock in getting your work done. Thanksgiving marked the time huge papers were due or would be. It always was an issue going home to bring work with me or not. There was always so much work to do during this holiday.

Last year, I worked at Starbucks. We were given a list and we had to choose 3 holidays to work. Since I did not choose Thanksgiving, I thought I was in the clear. But then I got scheduled to work 4am on Black Friday. What a sham-- that should've been one of the holidays on the list.

On Tday, I ate a big meal, drank some wine, and then went to bed. It was a good night's sleep.

This year, Thanks giving has new meaning. I have been working almost 60 hour weeks due to having two jobs. Because the coffee shop job I now have is on a college campus, we're closed down for the whole week of Thanksgiving. Also, I have a two day holiday from my full-time job.

I am delighting in the amount of free time I have this week, but in recieving this blessing I want to use it to bless others.

If you would like to be involved in a Thanksgiving week food delivery, please let me know.

As far as other things I want to do this week- more frivolous, but enjoyable things, I have constructed a list:

It may seem like a lot. And I probably won't do all of these, but many of them are passive enough. Everything with a star means I would love to do this with someone else. Let me know!

Watch season 1 of Arrested Development on Hulu*

read two books I just bought

go to funky coffee shops and read or hang out*

pick a book of the Bible to start reading*

learn a cool recipe to cook up for Tday

eat the food in my fridge*

start looking for Christmas gifts*

pray about missional opportunities

watch at least 3 movies I haven't seen*

write one entry on my food blog

write one entry on my personal blog(done)

look further into grad schools

sleep a normal schedule

find new bands to listen to

journal a lot

straighten my hair

catch up on my bills

clean and vacuum my car

consider Christmas decorations*

but then..

list everything I'm grateful for.

(As trite as it sounds to do this time of year, thinking about the things in life you are thankful for is tremendously beneficial for you, your relationship with God and your relationship with people. I am thankful for the opportunity to do all these things on the list which I ordinarily do not have all the free time for.)

and finally

list everything I am hungry for

(I am not talking about food. I am taking about maintaining the wellness of our whole selves. As human beings, we are all hungry for something and never satisfied. Sometimes we do not even realize what we are hungry for. We need to step back from our lives for a moment and look into them with new eyes. I need new eyes to see and new ears to hear. I need a refreshed heart with purpose, passion and vision. I think analyzing what we are not getting our fill of does help. This can be done in several ways. A couple years ago, I took a vision fast. I broke myself away from the computer, away from food besides fruits and water and sought God's will for my life. Looking back, I admire the zeal I had. I don't have this same impassioned pursuit today. God did not give me any clear answers, but he did give me a direction which caused me not to apply for certain ministry roles. I was hungry for vision. And in that case, I actually made myself physically hungry to feed myself.)

my movie star life

I have not written on here in awhile. Most of my thoughts and reflections have been too private and personal, even to write in a journal. I have avoided journaling because of the personal connection between your experiences, thoughts and emotions that writing evokes.

So I make it a movie.

I know I am not alone in this. Particularly in this cultural milieu, everyone seems to do it. It makes things more comfortable for me and gives it more order. If I can arrange my life as narrative, then it makes it more like a story than my life in actuality. So I have frames which constantly flash in mind, in and out. It's hard to translate them to paper because they're so photographic, however I do keep an accompanying novel along with the movie up in my head.

Where does this come from? I am idealistic and in many movies the plots work out toward the ultimate ideals. In my movies, I am gorgeous and every guy is in love with me. Of course, this is only partially true. :) In real life, I am only half as attractive as I imagine myself and I better hope that they don't like me because my camera's too unfocused. In my movies, I can make every scene more romantic or more lively. I can make it more whimsical, more magical. I can pretend. I can make believe that life is extraordinary without actually living an extraordinary life.

I think I would rather live an extraordinary life then pretend.

Movies also help shape other circumstances in my life-- those that I don't bring up in casual conversation, because they've affected me too strongly to even know how to bring up to people while relating their actual effects on me. I can make my life a drama, a black comedy, a journey film. I can re-create my journey to make it less real. I can place montages in the proper places, as building blocks of myself.

I love a good montage. Live my life according to song.

This way of seeing life may be seem creative, even constructive and slightly amusing, but all it does is create a 4th wall between myself and my life. It creates distance. Even that, self-absorption, because I am more engrossed in my own life than anyone else's. I can leave myself on a cloud and drift for awhile.

My flesh loves to do this. My spirit hates it. My spirit tells me that there's a lot more than modern day defense mechanisms, and that the movie life is not all what it seems.