my movie star life

I have not written on here in awhile. Most of my thoughts and reflections have been too private and personal, even to write in a journal. I have avoided journaling because of the personal connection between your experiences, thoughts and emotions that writing evokes.

So I make it a movie.

I know I am not alone in this. Particularly in this cultural milieu, everyone seems to do it. It makes things more comfortable for me and gives it more order. If I can arrange my life as narrative, then it makes it more like a story than my life in actuality. So I have frames which constantly flash in mind, in and out. It's hard to translate them to paper because they're so photographic, however I do keep an accompanying novel along with the movie up in my head.

Where does this come from? I am idealistic and in many movies the plots work out toward the ultimate ideals. In my movies, I am gorgeous and every guy is in love with me. Of course, this is only partially true. :) In real life, I am only half as attractive as I imagine myself and I better hope that they don't like me because my camera's too unfocused. In my movies, I can make every scene more romantic or more lively. I can make it more whimsical, more magical. I can pretend. I can make believe that life is extraordinary without actually living an extraordinary life.

I think I would rather live an extraordinary life then pretend.

Movies also help shape other circumstances in my life-- those that I don't bring up in casual conversation, because they've affected me too strongly to even know how to bring up to people while relating their actual effects on me. I can make my life a drama, a black comedy, a journey film. I can re-create my journey to make it less real. I can place montages in the proper places, as building blocks of myself.

I love a good montage. Live my life according to song.

This way of seeing life may be seem creative, even constructive and slightly amusing, but all it does is create a 4th wall between myself and my life. It creates distance. Even that, self-absorption, because I am more engrossed in my own life than anyone else's. I can leave myself on a cloud and drift for awhile.

My flesh loves to do this. My spirit hates it. My spirit tells me that there's a lot more than modern day defense mechanisms, and that the movie life is not all what it seems.