I am developing some weird, twisted sickness.

I will call it post- high school nostalgia

By all means, I do not want to go back to high school. Not at all.

But I miss the people who I knew there. The classes, even some of the ridiculous teachers I had who made life interesting, and I miss complaining about them...

The people who I hung out with at lunch, on the carpet or in the lobby in the morning as I was still waking up, the kids i sat with at young life club and sang songs with, and got rides to McDonalds, the kids who I walked by in the hallway each day who I never talked to, but just that we saw each other in the hallway established some sort of bond.

I look back at all the times I begged people to give me rides, my lack of attendance for the football games and my lack of care for the school even though I was on yearbook and participated in the senior skit. My will to change things, to go against the status quo (even though i often just assimilated into the crowd). I miss the political arguments I had with people. Even though I had no idea what I was talking about, I argued passionately and with vigor. I miss the crazy musicals and plays, and the backstage always filled with as much drama as what was up onstage. I miss key club and crazy Mrs. Beardsley. I miss the geeks, the freaks, the socialites, the superstars, the outcasts, the preps(85% of my school, just about), the downright eccentric kids who ran around with capes on, the little scene kids (there were hardly any scene kids my year and the year after, but sophomores and freshman mostly consisted of them).

I don't miss my self-righteous ways. How I shut people out just because they were "messy".
I don't miss always feeling out of the loop. Always feeling left out. Not a part of anything. And maybe that's because I withdrew so much. Not only was I afraid of giving people a chance, I was afraid of giving myself a chance, because even though i didn't "drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, party it up", I was the messiest person of all. And I didn't want anyone to ever see it.

I don't long to go back. But as I'm sitting here, on a chair, in a house, in Portland Oregon, thousands of miles away from where I grew up, I want to enter back into relationship with my Manassasen peers. With everyone from "heathenistic" Osbourn Park, with everyone from church and young life who I started feeling cut off from, as I felt they exemplified the "pretty" christian as I was a horrible wreck. With people who I hated at school. With people who I only had superficial relationships with. With people who I was in long friendships with, and all of a sudden, college hits, and I don't speak to them again.

I feel so broken off from them. I dream about them every night. I always dream about the past. I still feel as though I'm in relationship with Manassas, Va, but that it's broken off. That when I went off to college and lost my contacts, I said "screw you Manassas. it's over. i'm done with you." this was solidified with spending a summer in oregon rather than manassas.

i thought i could throw away my relationship with my hometown. that i could disown it. i can't. it'll be with me always.

all i wanna do now, is become friends with people i knew from high school. no matter how i felt about them. i want to enter back into the mess that is manassas. to follow christ in his reincarnation.

but i'm in portland.

i don't think it's a bad thing i'm here either. i think i belong here this summer. i think being here made me realize the huge loss in my life. the quality and diversity of manassas.

but overall, i have spent hardly anytime in manassas this year. fall break, i was working backstage on proof, so i stayed at cnu. winter break, i worked at borders in manassas, but 40 hours a week. i was too exhausted to pour my time into anything else, plus the lack of a car held me back a lot. spring break, i went to the beach with a bunch of cnu kids. i spent like 2 days home. easter, i stayed at school. summer, well as you can tell i am not there. i've been avoiding that place like the plague.

and now i miss it. after all of that.

even if i were back. it'd probably be hopeless. i feel like i don't have much in common with much of those people. i don't have anything to talk about with them. i feel like it'd be a worthless cause.
but maybe it wouldn't.