here's one for the girls

(I know it's silly to write these things. And my cynic self hates me for it.)

I want my knees to quiver. I want my stomach to tighten into a thousand little knots. I want my face to change three shades of color when I talk to him. And not because I'm shy or embarrassed but because of the way he says my name. I want to burst into dancing when I'm in a room myself, and thinking about him. I do not want to know any anguish of whether he likes me or not, but see it in his intentional actions. I want to feel relief to share affection with him. Without feeling mushy or silly. I want him to pursue me. I do not want to reduce myself to sit around and wait for him. I want to play. I want to fingerpaint with him, doodling crazy lions with our fingertips.I want him to be as bad as dancing as I am, and flaunt it. I want him to know good music and read good poetry. I want him enthused, not overbearingly happy. I want him introspective, not silent. I want a boy who I can stand kissing. Who I want to look at me with those lovesick eyes. Who makes love feel stupid. Stupid and good. I want a boy who I can trust won't judge me. Who will talk to me openly about things ranging from God's sovereignty to burping techniques. Who will trust me with his burdens as I will with mine. Who I can walk along with as an equal. Not one of us having control over another. Deciding things together. Leading together.I want a boy who seeks adventure in the great wide world and in everyday ordinariness. I want a boy who doesn't make me want to hurl when he tells me he loves me. I want a boy who I can choke out the words "I love you" to without making my squinty, disgusted face.

Waiting around is hard. I don't want to wait. For this sort or whoever God has set out for me. Yet, if I were to simply settle for the next boy I meet, will the desires of my heart be anywhere close to fulfilled? I am a cynic when it comes to boy-girl relationships especially as someone a part of a young age group who is already set to get married. But, admittedly, I sometimes want a boyfriend so badly, I get ahead of myself. I rage and lose complete focus on what's important in this season of my life. I guess I want to offer encouragement to you single ladies who feel the same way. Who often gets so exasperated, we are willing for any guy who looks our way. That's not what it's about, ladies. Never lose focus. Enjoy your life for what it is now. Be present.

(OK, the cynic in me says people are going to make comments with good intentions but patronizing tones. Don't even think about it.)

It seems like everyone a year ahead of me is about to be hitched. One of my good friends since freshman year is pregnant. (She's already married and my age). I have a number of friends my age talking about marriage (who aren't engaged).


I don't like to think about my future, but I'm a girl. So in reaction, I've set a few goals. I hope to keep them. But these can be bent. God might say no. People intricately involved in my life might say no. But for now, I like these goals.

1) Not get married until I am at least 25. And if I'm still single by the time I'm 35, that's fine and well. I know it'll happen eventually.

2) Not have a big wedding...or any wedding at all. Eloping sounds entirely good. Maybe grab a minister and run to a scenic part of the woods? People place too much emphasis on weddings. So much money is spent. So much time. So much energy. It always places more stress than needed. I don't want to be a bridezilla. Plus, I can imagine all the estrogen in the room that day and it scares me. Perky, planning Bridesmaids, worrying but perky mother, relatives, and i imagine stacks of other girls helping. It all just seems too much. Picturing it in my head, it always turns out catastrophic.

3) Not have a diamond on my ring finger. They're expensive, showy, and are often blood diamonds, exploiting third world countries in Africa. I'd rather have a cheaper more personal token of some dude's affection.

4) Not get pregnant, ever. Ok, this is obviously in the hands of God, so even if my husband and I have the safest sex ever we could have a baby. Maybe I could get sterilized. It's just that the thought of having a baby inside of me, kicking me, making me sick for 9 months and then get pushed out through a hole, makes me ill, literally ill. Especially if I have a c-section. I could NOT STAND to have my belly cut open. sick, sick, sick. I would much rather adopt. This world is already overpopulated as it is. There are children starving everywhere. Why not take a few of them in and love them as my own?

5) not live in the suburbs, ever, again




I am so glad I do not have to seriously think about these things for a LONG time. But for now, this seems good.


note: I do respect you if you marry young no matter what. I think it's an amazing thing to happen. I don't look down on people having weddings or having pretty rings, but it just isn't me. I don't want to do it. And I have a high, high respect for those who are pregnant. Very high. Extremely.

http://poemsbyjanello.blogspot.com/

It's all happening.

A few friends were the witnesses. The first to see me flip out at a sporting event tonight.

Even though I have a competitive drive (growing up with 3 brothers), I am notoriously known for hating sports. I hate playing them (because I'm so slow and clumsy), I hate watching them (even though it's on 24/7 in the Esposito household).

But on a whim, I went to an ice hockey game tonight- CNU vs. VCU. The captains got slaughtered. It was painful to watch, but at the same time, the game exhilarated me. Maybe it's the fact that you're standing so close, right outside the rink, you can feel the impact of a body slam. Hockey is violent. It's violent and stirs up emotions. And that somehow attracts me.

Hockey is a game somewhat known to me in person. When I was a pre-teen, my brother played indoor roller hockey. Not quite the same, but I enjoyed going to his games. That could've been just for the food and the hot older guys. But still, from sitting around all the violent hockey moms, I could feel the intensity. I could get into the game. I mean, it is more simple, and faster paced. I think that's why I like it.

The emotions of the violent hockey moms all came back to me tonight, and was channeled through my excessively loud voice, taunting insults, and insistent cheering, through almost the entire game. Bekah warned me not to get in any fights with VCU fans. A few came over to our side and cheered on VCU and I was ready to body slam them.

It's good. I finally found a vent for my competitive energy that usually remains locked up until someone pulls out "Apples to Apples" or "Risk" at a party.

just because i want to write

words to sum up this week:

exhausting
exhilarating

Last week ended and this week began with my STIM retreat. Rachel very kindly drove me to Richmond to meet up with VCU kids (all of whom I didn't know prior) to drive down to Wake Forest, NC. Coming in, I was stressed out and nervous. I left, not the same. I met and connected with a whole bunch of cool people and God was teaching me a lot about the biblical basis of missions work.

After I was back in Newport News, I wrote this prayer on my wrist:

Jesus give me the heart to share you with people.

That message compounded me (If that's the correct word). The thing is, I did not have the heart to share the gospel with people, but I believe God is answering that prayer, taking me, and reshaping my outlook on things.

It's incredible what God does when you ask.

Also, I'm not a vegetarian anymore. I'm a dignitarian (eat free range, local farm meat). I think I might buy some chicken next time I'm out (refer to my myspace for explanation).

------------------
Something else God has impressed on my heart this week...

I am gifted.

This might sound a little arrogant (but it's not since we're all gifted). I'm just realizing where I am gifted...writing. These blogs might not make a lot of sense sometimes. I am certainly nothing worthy of literary attention. But God did gift me here, and being an English major has been incredible so far, because I get a lot of encouragement from my professors.

For one class, I wrote a paper that I felt was completely wrong because I felt it didn't answer the question my prof was looking for. When we had to revise it, I sent it to him, because I didn't know what to do. He printed it out and made copies and the class read it aloud. I was so embarrassed. I counted the number of sentences that ended with prepositions and was shamed. We discussed different things from the paper almost the entire class. And I felt like I couldn't contribute. And I didn't want to be the pompous who remarks, "Well, since this is MY paper..." Even with the embarrassment I was really flattered and just prayed for a miniscule ego.

God continuously showed me this week that I'm gifted. And I'm beginning to let him impress upon me my spiritual gifts. And I need to know I'm gifted because I walk around a lot, pitying myself for my lack of ability.
-----------------------------------------

Jamaica Kincaid came to talk at CNU on Thursday. She's a world famous author. She writes a lot about family and the place she's from. I want to do that. I want to write to find my voice. Do I yet have a distinct voice? I don't know but I know I want to be like her someday, only not her. Me. She seemed so down to earth. World famous writer, swaying around as she talked and playing with her scarf. It made me happy.

She said some words that affected me. One I'm left with.
"I'd rather die for the truth, then live with a lie."

I don't know if she's Christian but that spoke loads to me about sharing Christ with others. How can I live with the lie that we don't need Christ. And I also thought about the ramifications of telling the truth sometimes. It isn't always greeted fondly. I thought about the crucicfixion, and I turned it to today. Meaning, I thought about what it'd be like for me to die a death anywhere near the harshness of Jesus'. Morbid, I know. But this is truly changing my life, right now, as we speak.

----------------------
Recycle Fest had been hanging over me all week. I was so nervous. Intervarsity was competing in a contest where different campus clubs build scupltures out of recycled materials to represent their club. I organized IV's team and tried my best to recruit people. Getting closer, I was uneasy. We had no concept for what the scuplture would look life, and I hadn't heard from a lot of the people I recruited.

And everything of course came together wonderfully. We built a "tree of life" rooted in love (meaning we made hearts for the bottom). It was fantastic. We had more than enough people, more that enough materials. Everyone contributed significantly. I was just coordinating them, most of the good work was done by others.

And we won. We won $300 for IV. That's not just chump change. I heard some congratulating me and yes, I organized the team and came up with the concept but the only reason the tree was so great is the creative minds that went into it. But still, it feels so nice to feel of worth. I so little feel that. And God in different, small but mighty ways, has been showing me my worth. And I am in total awe of him.

That's all.