-Will there ever be a point in my life where I ever feel like I belong? Is there a place, a community on this globe I'm meant to be?
- Am I ever capable of living up to my own ideals? When is the point where living my ideals is a realistic venture and not a far-off dream?
- When will I stop wandering and feel settled? Where is my place of contentment if such a place exists in this life?
- Would finding my significant other actually complete me? I'm sure I'll find something to be discontent about, probably dealing with his weaknesses.
-How much is up to God and how much is my own choice? Will I ever hear a clear word from God about where I'm going?
-If I know I can find true joy in God, then why don't I spend more time enjoying his presence? Do I actually like/indulge in despair?
- How can I enjoy God's presence in a period of stormy weather? How can I enjoy him when I so easily distracted by so many frivolous things?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
i wish...
i wish that i found satisfaction in God. i hate the things i try to find satisfaction in.
and i suck at guarding my heart, even when there is really no one who poses immediate threat.
how does one deal with despair? the easy, christian answer is to pray and read the bible. but what happens when you are so sunken in, you just don't feel like it. i know that "not feeling like it" is kind of a cop out.
church on sundays seem to be the only time i start to fall down on my knees and realize how much I need to pray and read the Word. and then i go about my week, like a half-hearted creature content in playing in mud piles.
during the week, my heart develops bad habits...these habits lead me to places i don't need to be. places i gravitate so naturally cause it's in my nature. i feel so steeped in this "casual" sin, that there seems to be no exit. it seems to be hopeless. i feel like i will never be healed of this. perhaps i'm wrong, cause Christ can do anything, but this is how I feel.
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but I hate what I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to; no, the evil I do not want to do-- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me who does it.....
what a wretched (wo)man I am! who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 7
and i suck at guarding my heart, even when there is really no one who poses immediate threat.
how does one deal with despair? the easy, christian answer is to pray and read the bible. but what happens when you are so sunken in, you just don't feel like it. i know that "not feeling like it" is kind of a cop out.
church on sundays seem to be the only time i start to fall down on my knees and realize how much I need to pray and read the Word. and then i go about my week, like a half-hearted creature content in playing in mud piles.
during the week, my heart develops bad habits...these habits lead me to places i don't need to be. places i gravitate so naturally cause it's in my nature. i feel so steeped in this "casual" sin, that there seems to be no exit. it seems to be hopeless. i feel like i will never be healed of this. perhaps i'm wrong, cause Christ can do anything, but this is how I feel.
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but I hate what I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to; no, the evil I do not want to do-- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me who does it.....
what a wretched (wo)man I am! who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 7
Friday, April 25, 2008
almost coherent thought for the week on Christian existentialism
Sometimes I wonder what it means to be both depressed and be a Christian, especially in our postmodern age when existentialism is so popular, and not necessarily completely contradictory to Christian faith. Without God, everything is devoid of meaning. I think the fact that God is sovereign and has complete control of our lives sounds pretty existential sometimes. It seems like I've become a Christian existentialist without even meaning to, mainly due to my depression, I'm sure. Sometimes all I see from my life is suffering, to which I have no control over. I cannot control my emotions.
I want to live a life where the good news is actually good news to me. Where I can claim victory in Christ (and nothing else, everything else is devoid of meaning). Where I can experience joy which nothing else can give.
I seek the truth. And sometimes, the truth is hard to swallow. Ignorance is bliss, right? The truth of God in my life is something I cannot ignore, but sometimes it's just hard to take in. I put so much responsibility on myself. I guilt myself when I'm not connected as I think I should be.
And I'm depressed. That's a real disorder. And yes, you can be a Christian who takes joy in the Lord, and still be depressed. But, I'm commanded by God to be glad. Where is the line drawn? When do I give in too much to my futile thoughts? It's an ongoing battle- the fight between me obtaining joy and giving in to futility. It changes almost every minute. I'm not bipolar, but sometimes it feels like such a bipolar spirituality- I go from a mountain peak to a valley within moments. Where is my steady ground? I think many of us are in this condition, and quite honestly I don't think it's something that we can control. The internal battles are often between God and principalities of Darkness.
So, what can we do? How can I, a Christian who struggles (but sometimes doesn't put forth much effort) with depression, do to claim victory in Christ? Is it more of an action or simply a way of being? Maybe both are integrated. We are called to take action, but sometimes actions burn us out and we just need to be still.
When my spirits are low and my heart is under attack, what can I do?
Prayer is the integration, I believe. It invites us to take action (in the act of praying) but also to be passive. When we pray, we slow down our hearts and minds to listen to the heartbeat of our Creator. The actions lulls us into being.
I need to pray more. Honestly, something's been preventing me. I need to repent of whatever it is. Yes I can be a Christian and be depressed. But I cannot lean on my depression, clinging on to it, and using it as excuse. I need to cling to the gospel- the salvation of God incarnate rescuing me from my grave.
I do feel genuine times of continuous gladness. And then I fall. But no matter where my emotions lie, my Lord is always with me. And that's something to celebrate. I can't simply be a Christian existentialist ALL the time.
I want to live a life where the good news is actually good news to me. Where I can claim victory in Christ (and nothing else, everything else is devoid of meaning). Where I can experience joy which nothing else can give.
I seek the truth. And sometimes, the truth is hard to swallow. Ignorance is bliss, right? The truth of God in my life is something I cannot ignore, but sometimes it's just hard to take in. I put so much responsibility on myself. I guilt myself when I'm not connected as I think I should be.
And I'm depressed. That's a real disorder. And yes, you can be a Christian who takes joy in the Lord, and still be depressed. But, I'm commanded by God to be glad. Where is the line drawn? When do I give in too much to my futile thoughts? It's an ongoing battle- the fight between me obtaining joy and giving in to futility. It changes almost every minute. I'm not bipolar, but sometimes it feels like such a bipolar spirituality- I go from a mountain peak to a valley within moments. Where is my steady ground? I think many of us are in this condition, and quite honestly I don't think it's something that we can control. The internal battles are often between God and principalities of Darkness.
So, what can we do? How can I, a Christian who struggles (but sometimes doesn't put forth much effort) with depression, do to claim victory in Christ? Is it more of an action or simply a way of being? Maybe both are integrated. We are called to take action, but sometimes actions burn us out and we just need to be still.
When my spirits are low and my heart is under attack, what can I do?
Prayer is the integration, I believe. It invites us to take action (in the act of praying) but also to be passive. When we pray, we slow down our hearts and minds to listen to the heartbeat of our Creator. The actions lulls us into being.
I need to pray more. Honestly, something's been preventing me. I need to repent of whatever it is. Yes I can be a Christian and be depressed. But I cannot lean on my depression, clinging on to it, and using it as excuse. I need to cling to the gospel- the salvation of God incarnate rescuing me from my grave.
I do feel genuine times of continuous gladness. And then I fall. But no matter where my emotions lie, my Lord is always with me. And that's something to celebrate. I can't simply be a Christian existentialist ALL the time.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
habits
-i zone out around large groups of people, lost in my own thoughts
-after a surge of energy and excitement always comes the pitfall into inner anguish
-my spiritual battle seems to be a fight against my "existential" futile thoughts and my emotional, heavy heart.
- i set high expectations for future events and relationships just to be disappointed
- i talk over people. i like to talk about myself and then at the end out of courtesy, i ask, "and how are you?"
- i enjoy attention, but i often get embarrassed by it
- i idolize deadly things
-i treat people like they're only props and characters toward my own existence. i don't care about people as much as i pretend.
- i breathe fire when people disagree with me. i let them very little opportunity to defend themselves.
-even though i have grown to be more confrontational, i am still way too passive-aggressive, and i play games just to test people.
- i always want the guy i like at whatever time to initiate conversation with me, and i get pissy when they don't even though i don't do anything.
- i complain way too much. i am bitter and cynical.
- i think and overanalyze so much that i become depressed.
- i am a verbal processor. that means when i am upset, who ever comforts me, hears EVERYTHING.
-i always try to go deep way too quickly for people when they're not ready or they just want things to be light and fluffy.
-from a distance, i appear light and fluffy, but i have such a heavy heart, that sometimes i just can't do anything.
-i really suck as a person. sometimes i wish people would see that. sometimes i hate it that a lot of people think i'm so sweet and noble. i hate fake or false appearances. i don't want to be seen one way or another. i do not have it altogether because i'm a christian. i'm in even more desperate need because i'm a christian.
- i enjoy human praise way too much. and sometimes i become cowardly when i need to tell people how i see truth. i become silent because of the tolerance trap. and because i don't want to be that girl. i'd rather have people like me then know the good news of christ's salvation.
-sometimes i focus way more on the despair part of my faith and i forget to take victory in the good news.
-i'd rather spend time on facebook then i would with god.
-i am way too obsessed with finding that guy, even though i hardly openly admit it and i pretend i don't want to get married for 10 years when really it's 3.
-i am way too quick to pour my heart out on damn online blogs.
(this blog is now becoming livejournal with all the anguished complaining i'm consumed in)
- i purposely keep distant in my relationships with people
- i hate asking for help
-i have a lot of pride. and little humility.
-i always need god.
-after a surge of energy and excitement always comes the pitfall into inner anguish
-my spiritual battle seems to be a fight against my "existential" futile thoughts and my emotional, heavy heart.
- i set high expectations for future events and relationships just to be disappointed
- i talk over people. i like to talk about myself and then at the end out of courtesy, i ask, "and how are you?"
- i enjoy attention, but i often get embarrassed by it
- i idolize deadly things
-i treat people like they're only props and characters toward my own existence. i don't care about people as much as i pretend.
- i breathe fire when people disagree with me. i let them very little opportunity to defend themselves.
-even though i have grown to be more confrontational, i am still way too passive-aggressive, and i play games just to test people.
- i always want the guy i like at whatever time to initiate conversation with me, and i get pissy when they don't even though i don't do anything.
- i complain way too much. i am bitter and cynical.
- i think and overanalyze so much that i become depressed.
- i am a verbal processor. that means when i am upset, who ever comforts me, hears EVERYTHING.
-i always try to go deep way too quickly for people when they're not ready or they just want things to be light and fluffy.
-from a distance, i appear light and fluffy, but i have such a heavy heart, that sometimes i just can't do anything.
-i really suck as a person. sometimes i wish people would see that. sometimes i hate it that a lot of people think i'm so sweet and noble. i hate fake or false appearances. i don't want to be seen one way or another. i do not have it altogether because i'm a christian. i'm in even more desperate need because i'm a christian.
- i enjoy human praise way too much. and sometimes i become cowardly when i need to tell people how i see truth. i become silent because of the tolerance trap. and because i don't want to be that girl. i'd rather have people like me then know the good news of christ's salvation.
-sometimes i focus way more on the despair part of my faith and i forget to take victory in the good news.
-i'd rather spend time on facebook then i would with god.
-i am way too obsessed with finding that guy, even though i hardly openly admit it and i pretend i don't want to get married for 10 years when really it's 3.
-i am way too quick to pour my heart out on damn online blogs.
(this blog is now becoming livejournal with all the anguished complaining i'm consumed in)
- i purposely keep distant in my relationships with people
- i hate asking for help
-i have a lot of pride. and little humility.
-i always need god.
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