habits

-i zone out around large groups of people, lost in my own thoughts

-after a surge of energy and excitement always comes the pitfall into inner anguish

-my spiritual battle seems to be a fight against my "existential" futile thoughts and my emotional, heavy heart.

- i set high expectations for future events and relationships just to be disappointed

- i talk over people. i like to talk about myself and then at the end out of courtesy, i ask, "and how are you?"

- i enjoy attention, but i often get embarrassed by it

- i idolize deadly things

-i treat people like they're only props and characters toward my own existence. i don't care about people as much as i pretend.

- i breathe fire when people disagree with me. i let them very little opportunity to defend themselves.

-even though i have grown to be more confrontational, i am still way too passive-aggressive, and i play games just to test people.

- i always want the guy i like at whatever time to initiate conversation with me, and i get pissy when they don't even though i don't do anything.

- i complain way too much. i am bitter and cynical.

- i think and overanalyze so much that i become depressed.

- i am a verbal processor. that means when i am upset, who ever comforts me, hears EVERYTHING.

-i always try to go deep way too quickly for people when they're not ready or they just want things to be light and fluffy.

-from a distance, i appear light and fluffy, but i have such a heavy heart, that sometimes i just can't do anything.

-i really suck as a person. sometimes i wish people would see that. sometimes i hate it that a lot of people think i'm so sweet and noble. i hate fake or false appearances. i don't want to be seen one way or another. i do not have it altogether because i'm a christian. i'm in even more desperate need because i'm a christian.

- i enjoy human praise way too much. and sometimes i become cowardly when i need to tell people how i see truth. i become silent because of the tolerance trap. and because i don't want to be that girl. i'd rather have people like me then know the good news of christ's salvation.

-sometimes i focus way more on the despair part of my faith and i forget to take victory in the good news.

-i'd rather spend time on facebook then i would with god.

-i am way too obsessed with finding that guy, even though i hardly openly admit it and i pretend i don't want to get married for 10 years when really it's 3.

-i am way too quick to pour my heart out on damn online blogs.

(this blog is now becoming livejournal with all the anguished complaining i'm consumed in)

- i purposely keep distant in my relationships with people

- i hate asking for help

-i have a lot of pride. and little humility.

-i always need god.