"A real Christian in an odd number anyway. He feels supreme love for One whom he has never seen, talks familiarly every day to Someone he cannot see, expects to go to heaven on the virtue of Another, empties himself in order to be full, admits he is wrong so he can be declared right, goes down in order to get up, is strongest when he is weakest, richest when he is poorest, and happiest when he feels worst. He dies so he can live, forsakes in order to have, gives away so he can keep, sees the invisible, hears the inaudible, and knows that which passes knowledge."
Does anyone know which A.W. Tozer book that quote is from? I really like it.
On another note, as a proud CNU InterVarsity Alum, I wanted to share the new cnu IV website! www.cnuiv.com
From the front page, Beth G. does such a great job communicating what this college ministry is all about. It's got me missing InterVarsity, for certain. But, as much as I miss it, I know it's time to move forward into my post-college spiritual life.
Why is it so hard to continue being a Christian after college? That's a future blog which I will try to answer.
For me, it was really easy to develop ideals and opinions about my faith in college. It seems that life now is about putting those ideals into practice. But when you work a 9-5 job, it gets hard to care. That's what it's been like for me, anyway. The thing that sobers me about Tozer's quote is that most of the time I just don't care. A Christian is an odd number.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
asante sana yesu!
In kiswahili, that simply means "thank you very much Jesus!"
God's been speaking into my life, powerfully, today. It's the first time in awhile that I'm gripping a few pieces of his huge, mysteriously difficult jigsaw puzzle. Lord, give me ears to hear and eyes to see! Through everything. Through my lunch break, through Kay Arthur's prophesy, through conversation with my parents and new friends, through sermons, through my brother, even through GodTV!
Faith and belief is coming alive to me in a renewed, refreshed sense. I've been caught in a spiritual famine and have been dealing with a lot of doubt. This is nothing miniscule. Every day, it seems like, I'm tempted to walk away from God, for good. It's a daily struggle to just even put a little bit of faith in God and trust in him.
I've been downloading sermons which Kevin Hass has been preaching at By Grace, since I left Newport News to go back home. This has been only a recent activity, starting last week. I would burn a cd for each sermon from the computer, and listen to them coming and going from work. Now, there is nothing great in me doing this. I always seem to miss the point. But today, I listened to a sermon from Luke 9 and Mark 9 which Hass preached awhile ago, and the Word of God came alive to me. Now don't misunderstand, although Hass is a really solid teacher, it wasn't from him alone. What he was preaching actually resonated with a lot of teachings I have heard about faith since I've been home either from church, or bible study or from my dad, and have simply rejected, or brought into huge question. I guess the difference was that Hass was inductively going through a chunk of scripture which is how I prefer to be taught (I mean, don't we all have our preferences?). But there was absolutely no difference in the main message, in what God's been trying to hammer into me all along. There was even no big difference in this message than a message I heard on GodTV the night before (a channel I very frequently, and not so secretly, become skeptical of).
The message?
Have faith in God.
I'll let the passage in Mark 9 say what needs to be said. It preaches for itself. The text is so alive.
(I'll bolden what particularly hits me).
Mark 9:14-29
And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him. And he asked them, "What are you arguing about with them?" And someone from the crowd answered him, "Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able." And he answered them, "O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me." And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." And Jesus said to him, "'If you can'! All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" 25And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, "He is dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And he said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer."
Here's a link to the sermon if you want to check it out-http://www.bygraceonline.org/sermons/audio_sermons_2008.htm
It's on Luke 9:36-50 from May 25, 2008.
I took a walk in the woods today and I wanted to share a little bit about it. There was a part in the trail where I became absolutely petrified of my surroundings. Paranoid that I'd get bit by a black widow or be approached by a poisonous snake. Or worse, that I'd run into some horrible serial killer because I was all alone in the isolated wilderness. I don't normally get like that. I have a lot of emotional fears but not a lot of paranoia. I very often walk into danger, completely oblivious to it, because quite frankly I don't usually take too much care. Well, I was freaked out. I walked faster, afraid that some spider would put its venom into my veins. And at some point, I started praying. I have a lot to pray about and I basically surrendered everything. And I kept on repeating, "Lord, I belive, Father, I believe, Spirit, I believe, I believe in you. Help my unbelief. Help me. Help me. Help me." I thought about the positive of being in this time of spiritual famine: that through this, God is showing how GREAT and MAJESTIC his grace and mercy is that he would save and love a complete and totally depraved wretch like me. In the past year, I've felt this. And I did not appreciate why God was doing it, I did not even ask why but instead kept asking God to remove it from me. But today, God brought me into appreciation for this dry time, as absurd as it may sound. That through seeing my depravity, I could genuinely enter into God's grace and overwhelming presence. That I need to submit to God TOTALLY and completely depend on Him at ALL times.
I didn't GET it before. I KNEW it in my HEAD. But I DIDN'T GET IT!
Thank you Jesus for helping my unbelief. I have so much farther to go, but just this little mustard seed makes a world of difference.
God's been speaking into my life, powerfully, today. It's the first time in awhile that I'm gripping a few pieces of his huge, mysteriously difficult jigsaw puzzle. Lord, give me ears to hear and eyes to see! Through everything. Through my lunch break, through Kay Arthur's prophesy, through conversation with my parents and new friends, through sermons, through my brother, even through GodTV!
Faith and belief is coming alive to me in a renewed, refreshed sense. I've been caught in a spiritual famine and have been dealing with a lot of doubt. This is nothing miniscule. Every day, it seems like, I'm tempted to walk away from God, for good. It's a daily struggle to just even put a little bit of faith in God and trust in him.
I've been downloading sermons which Kevin Hass has been preaching at By Grace, since I left Newport News to go back home. This has been only a recent activity, starting last week. I would burn a cd for each sermon from the computer, and listen to them coming and going from work. Now, there is nothing great in me doing this. I always seem to miss the point. But today, I listened to a sermon from Luke 9 and Mark 9 which Hass preached awhile ago, and the Word of God came alive to me. Now don't misunderstand, although Hass is a really solid teacher, it wasn't from him alone. What he was preaching actually resonated with a lot of teachings I have heard about faith since I've been home either from church, or bible study or from my dad, and have simply rejected, or brought into huge question. I guess the difference was that Hass was inductively going through a chunk of scripture which is how I prefer to be taught (I mean, don't we all have our preferences?). But there was absolutely no difference in the main message, in what God's been trying to hammer into me all along. There was even no big difference in this message than a message I heard on GodTV the night before (a channel I very frequently, and not so secretly, become skeptical of).
The message?
Have faith in God.
I'll let the passage in Mark 9 say what needs to be said. It preaches for itself. The text is so alive.
(I'll bolden what particularly hits me).
Mark 9:14-29
And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him. And he asked them, "What are you arguing about with them?" And someone from the crowd answered him, "Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able." And he answered them, "O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me." And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." And Jesus said to him, "'If you can'! All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" 25And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, "He is dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And he said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer."
Here's a link to the sermon if you want to check it out-http://www.bygraceonline.org/sermons/audio_sermons_2008.htm
It's on Luke 9:36-50 from May 25, 2008.
I took a walk in the woods today and I wanted to share a little bit about it. There was a part in the trail where I became absolutely petrified of my surroundings. Paranoid that I'd get bit by a black widow or be approached by a poisonous snake. Or worse, that I'd run into some horrible serial killer because I was all alone in the isolated wilderness. I don't normally get like that. I have a lot of emotional fears but not a lot of paranoia. I very often walk into danger, completely oblivious to it, because quite frankly I don't usually take too much care. Well, I was freaked out. I walked faster, afraid that some spider would put its venom into my veins. And at some point, I started praying. I have a lot to pray about and I basically surrendered everything. And I kept on repeating, "Lord, I belive, Father, I believe, Spirit, I believe, I believe in you. Help my unbelief. Help me. Help me. Help me." I thought about the positive of being in this time of spiritual famine: that through this, God is showing how GREAT and MAJESTIC his grace and mercy is that he would save and love a complete and totally depraved wretch like me. In the past year, I've felt this. And I did not appreciate why God was doing it, I did not even ask why but instead kept asking God to remove it from me. But today, God brought me into appreciation for this dry time, as absurd as it may sound. That through seeing my depravity, I could genuinely enter into God's grace and overwhelming presence. That I need to submit to God TOTALLY and completely depend on Him at ALL times.
I didn't GET it before. I KNEW it in my HEAD. But I DIDN'T GET IT!
Thank you Jesus for helping my unbelief. I have so much farther to go, but just this little mustard seed makes a world of difference.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
the hunger years
I want to write a book with that title. I think that's title been used already. Anyone know? I don't want to face reality by looking it up.
The reason why I'm not setting down to write anything is because it'd be a little too autobiographical. Not like writers don't do that shamelessly, but I need a little bit of distance from things before I can write about them, and ultimately, fictionalize them.
"The Hunger Years" would be about an idealistic girl who just graduated college and has no clue how her life is supposed to be. She feels a strong calling to go back to her hometown, but when she gets there, she starts to experience a deep spiritual hunger which she finds herself incapable to feed. More summary to come later.
The reason why I'm not setting down to write anything is because it'd be a little too autobiographical. Not like writers don't do that shamelessly, but I need a little bit of distance from things before I can write about them, and ultimately, fictionalize them.
"The Hunger Years" would be about an idealistic girl who just graduated college and has no clue how her life is supposed to be. She feels a strong calling to go back to her hometown, but when she gets there, she starts to experience a deep spiritual hunger which she finds herself incapable to feed. More summary to come later.
call and response
I wish people were more open with each other. That way I wouldn't feel so miserable about my own life all the time. I particularly wish that more church leaders would take on more vulnerability. At a time where I'm trying to grasp for some example of a real, breathing, fallen being trying to live out their spiritual walk, I find very few honest people who are transparent in a Christ-like way.
I've been doubting my faith a lot lately. I hear all these teachings- really good, powerful teachings. I know I can never live up to them. And I simply have very little desire to even do so. And I know that's the point- we are deprived human beings and we cannot possibly do it without Christ's grace carrying us through. But sometimes I feel as though he doesn't care about me anymore. These are merely feelings I know and we cannot trust in feelings. My feelings do not determine my relationship with God. But it'd sure be nice if I could for once feel his presence in my life.
I know I'm not doing enough. I have very poor discipline. Some in the church suggest that it's not about what you do, it's what God does. And some suggest that you need to work at your faith, and pursue God (with the assumption that this in a response to his pursuit of you). I think it's both, and I feel a little less Calvinist at this moment because I know he's already done the work. He's called me and now he's waiting for my response. But at the same time, I am a complete Calvinist, knowing that I can't respond on my own. Maybe it's due to depression, or maybe it's general human condition. I can't do it! I can't save me from myself!!
God, please save me from myself!!
I've been doubting my faith a lot lately. I hear all these teachings- really good, powerful teachings. I know I can never live up to them. And I simply have very little desire to even do so. And I know that's the point- we are deprived human beings and we cannot possibly do it without Christ's grace carrying us through. But sometimes I feel as though he doesn't care about me anymore. These are merely feelings I know and we cannot trust in feelings. My feelings do not determine my relationship with God. But it'd sure be nice if I could for once feel his presence in my life.
I know I'm not doing enough. I have very poor discipline. Some in the church suggest that it's not about what you do, it's what God does. And some suggest that you need to work at your faith, and pursue God (with the assumption that this in a response to his pursuit of you). I think it's both, and I feel a little less Calvinist at this moment because I know he's already done the work. He's called me and now he's waiting for my response. But at the same time, I am a complete Calvinist, knowing that I can't respond on my own. Maybe it's due to depression, or maybe it's general human condition. I can't do it! I can't save me from myself!!
God, please save me from myself!!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
words of mr. bazan
sums up where i'm at right now...
"you're up with the sunrise
and down when the work's been done
with excellence industry
diligence naturally
i would like to be you
just for a few habit-forming years
laziness cuts me like fine cutlery
i need a miracle - someone to help me
myself
sweet jesus, i need you
forgive me this sin
not hookers or heroin, gambling or gin
it sounds so ridiculous, but i just can't lift this
i need a miracle - someone to help me myself
someone to help me
help myself "
"you're up with the sunrise
and down when the work's been done
with excellence industry
diligence naturally
i would like to be you
just for a few habit-forming years
laziness cuts me like fine cutlery
i need a miracle - someone to help me
myself
sweet jesus, i need you
forgive me this sin
not hookers or heroin, gambling or gin
it sounds so ridiculous, but i just can't lift this
i need a miracle - someone to help me myself
someone to help me
help myself "
Friday, July 11, 2008
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Reaching for an Invisible God
I was thoroughly enjoying Phillip Yancey's Reaching for An Invisible God but then he got all Armenian on me. Ugh.
While he brings up some good points, I with my little knowledge of theology, could easily challenge a couple of them.
But that's for another blog. It doesn't matter if he's Armenian or Calvinist. This book is good and I just wish all of the people who have told me that Christians are supposed to be happy optimists would read it. It discusses just about every issue and doubt Christians have about Christian faith. Lately I have doubted the presence of my own faith due to my constant pessimism but Yancey challenges that assumption.
I may turn this into a longer blog later. For now, I don't have much more to say. Just pick it up and read it for yourself.
While he brings up some good points, I with my little knowledge of theology, could easily challenge a couple of them.
But that's for another blog. It doesn't matter if he's Armenian or Calvinist. This book is good and I just wish all of the people who have told me that Christians are supposed to be happy optimists would read it. It discusses just about every issue and doubt Christians have about Christian faith. Lately I have doubted the presence of my own faith due to my constant pessimism but Yancey challenges that assumption.
I may turn this into a longer blog later. For now, I don't have much more to say. Just pick it up and read it for yourself.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
another frustration
Do you ever feel like God's putting you on hold?
What do you do in that waiting time? Especially when you have no self-benefitting motivation to read your bible or pray because it seems like God's just gonna keep going in his ambiguities.
Doing anything just to glorify God with no expectations is just really counter-intuitive.
What do you do in that waiting time? Especially when you have no self-benefitting motivation to read your bible or pray because it seems like God's just gonna keep going in his ambiguities.
Doing anything just to glorify God with no expectations is just really counter-intuitive.
God's sovereignty in his relationship with us
As much as many people try to dismiss the significance of the armenian vs. calvinism debate, I have found that it's been pretty important. At least in my personal walk with God.
A lot of things I do an a lot of things I think are influenced by the whole topic. One thing I wonder about-
Sometimes I sit in church. And I enjoy the worship and maybe sing with it, but I don't particularly feel moved to jump out of my chair and clap and sing. Maybe I am in a more contemplative mood. Or maybe I'm honestly distracted by outside things.
Is this a sovereign thing or my own free will acting? I feel that God moves us when he wills, but then again, we have to take a part of it. We have to willfully respond.
But then again, if God wills us to worship when he does, does that make us respond like robots?
I do think, though, that sovereign action is taken when we worship. I, on my own accord, in my own flesh, have no will to worship God. However, he still shows up, and when I am unwilling to see him, in small disruptive ways.
And another topic for another blog is the issue of the permanence of our salvation. I have to be honest. Almost every day, I feel the urge to walk away from God. I've seriously threatened him that I do it. His response: it seems like he laughs kindly in my face and says "Oh sweet Janelle. I am never letting you go." And I want to walk away because the Christian life is hard and I'm tired of feeling like a failure. And I forget the gospel everyday. But God is this gravitational force which keeps pulling me. His lovingkindness and tender mercies speak enough truth into me to know that I am his child and I will forever be his.
And that's where questions about election and predestination step in. Will God ever let me go? No. Can I experience freedom in his love? Yes. But when will that happen? Has God set a specific time where he will suddenly lift the veil from my eyes or do I have to struggle in the spiritual disciplines to obtain it? I feel that it's a mixture of both. And I do have some personal responsibility in my walk with Jesus. To spend time with him. To pray. To love. To serve. To lead. To enjoy. To be a child. To glorify his name.
He has placed me here with this calling- and I have to follow it. Sure, he leads me but he's not gonna baby me through it.
A lot of things I do an a lot of things I think are influenced by the whole topic. One thing I wonder about-
Sometimes I sit in church. And I enjoy the worship and maybe sing with it, but I don't particularly feel moved to jump out of my chair and clap and sing. Maybe I am in a more contemplative mood. Or maybe I'm honestly distracted by outside things.
Is this a sovereign thing or my own free will acting? I feel that God moves us when he wills, but then again, we have to take a part of it. We have to willfully respond.
But then again, if God wills us to worship when he does, does that make us respond like robots?
I do think, though, that sovereign action is taken when we worship. I, on my own accord, in my own flesh, have no will to worship God. However, he still shows up, and when I am unwilling to see him, in small disruptive ways.
And another topic for another blog is the issue of the permanence of our salvation. I have to be honest. Almost every day, I feel the urge to walk away from God. I've seriously threatened him that I do it. His response: it seems like he laughs kindly in my face and says "Oh sweet Janelle. I am never letting you go." And I want to walk away because the Christian life is hard and I'm tired of feeling like a failure. And I forget the gospel everyday. But God is this gravitational force which keeps pulling me. His lovingkindness and tender mercies speak enough truth into me to know that I am his child and I will forever be his.
And that's where questions about election and predestination step in. Will God ever let me go? No. Can I experience freedom in his love? Yes. But when will that happen? Has God set a specific time where he will suddenly lift the veil from my eyes or do I have to struggle in the spiritual disciplines to obtain it? I feel that it's a mixture of both. And I do have some personal responsibility in my walk with Jesus. To spend time with him. To pray. To love. To serve. To lead. To enjoy. To be a child. To glorify his name.
He has placed me here with this calling- and I have to follow it. Sure, he leads me but he's not gonna baby me through it.
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