call and response

I wish people were more open with each other. That way I wouldn't feel so miserable about my own life all the time. I particularly wish that more church leaders would take on more vulnerability. At a time where I'm trying to grasp for some example of a real, breathing, fallen being trying to live out their spiritual walk, I find very few honest people who are transparent in a Christ-like way.

I've been doubting my faith a lot lately. I hear all these teachings- really good, powerful teachings. I know I can never live up to them. And I simply have very little desire to even do so. And I know that's the point- we are deprived human beings and we cannot possibly do it without Christ's grace carrying us through. But sometimes I feel as though he doesn't care about me anymore. These are merely feelings I know and we cannot trust in feelings. My feelings do not determine my relationship with God. But it'd sure be nice if I could for once feel his presence in my life.

I know I'm not doing enough. I have very poor discipline. Some in the church suggest that it's not about what you do, it's what God does. And some suggest that you need to work at your faith, and pursue God (with the assumption that this in a response to his pursuit of you). I think it's both, and I feel a little less Calvinist at this moment because I know he's already done the work. He's called me and now he's waiting for my response. But at the same time, I am a complete Calvinist, knowing that I can't respond on my own. Maybe it's due to depression, or maybe it's general human condition. I can't do it! I can't save me from myself!!

God, please save me from myself!!