ughhh

I've inadvertently watched an unhealthy amount of movies the past few days dealing directly with quirky, slightttttly immature people and relationships.

It's good to know I'm not alone.

everything is loss (uh-oh) but I know you can give to the Lord

So goes the lyrics by one of my faves, Sufjan Stevens.

It rings so true in my life. Over this past year, I've gone through significant loss. I don't want to scare anyone who is about to graduate college, but I will tell you, be prepared.

One of my friends and I are going through a Beth Moore study on John: The Beloved Disciple. A year ago, I wouldn't be caught dead reading Beth Moore. Not because I knew anything about her or her theology, but because of a cheesy book title I saw from her, entitled "Get yourself out of that PIT." She's on the front cover, all made up and perfect looking with a big goofy grin, and in typical Janelle-fashion, I judged her and stuck my nose up at reading any of her bible study books.

But nevertheless, I am doing this study. One thing I like about it is that it's really quick and easy- a characteristic of a bible study I used to disdain. But it makes so non-threatening and approachable which is perfect for this time of my life. Except, her questions are not easy.

I stumbled over this following question yesterday. Not having any words. Not having any knowledge. I like to think of myself as someone with a lot of knowledge, but I came up empty-handed here:

What have you learned from seasons of separation - those moments when change and transition leave you feeling at a loss?

When I read that question and considered its implications, I wanted to throw the 2 pound book across the room. But I just stared at it, not knowing the answer. No words came up. I who normally have words for everything.

The loss of a college environment may seem to some to be insignificant. But, boy, it hasn't been for me. Everyday I get ready for work and drive my car an hour rather than riding Lady Green through campus, I feel like I've lost a huge part myself. I enjoyed a sizable amount of freedom to be who I wanted to be in college and I generally felt accepted.

I don't feel free here. And I am not blaming my church, work, friends or anyone around here. It's just so routine. And there were so many things I did in college that I don't feel at ease to do anymore.

If you're still in college and reading this, please don't take for granted what you have. I'm sure you commuter students have a totally different experience which won't amount to as much loss when you're done. But for those of you who are away at school and flourishing in your college environment, count your blessings.

Right now, I am beginning to let go. I am striving forward to find complete freedom in knowing Jesus Christ- and allowing my spirit to flourish through Him alone. I guess that's what I'm learning through my loss and my forever long transition period.

^"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."- Phillippians 3: 7-11

one day, i shall write a book on laughter

Would if you were given the capacity to see all of life's events, rather dramatic, traumatic or light-hearted, through humorous eyes?

is this strength? weakness?



both?


Though I may have a peculiarly weighty heart, I say everything with the same ironic tone. Because I view happiness and pain as directly linked co-existors. One cannot be without the other. So they are equal co-partners in delivering life's hearty laughter (I am one who has had to keep myself from laughing at a funeral).

I don't see this perspective as dark or cynical. I see it as accepting of all circumstances, but can be easily mis contrived on several many ocassions. Even when laughter is healthy, we need to practice caution in how and when we execute it.

seedling

When I stepped outside my work building in Purcellville today, I smelled a smell. It was a farmish cowlike smell, and quite honestly it's not very appealing. "Ahhhh," I thought. "So this is what P-ville smells like when it's not winter." I wasn't disgusted by the smell I hated so much as a little kid going to the Prince William County Fair.

Instead, the smell served as a reminder to me: "It's not quite winter anymore. It's time to start my garden."

Lately, I have had this lofty idea to start a community garden. In Manassas- wish me luck.

This idea has actually stayed with me for longer than most of my ideas (that is definitely a good sign). Though, I was shy to bring it up to my friends because I was afraid the idea would be rejected and dismissed as one of Janelle's idealistic hippie thoughts (which it is). But God works in cool ways, and he showed me about a month ago that other people are willing to take this on, and that it's even been revealed separately other people close to me (total confirmation).

BUT.
I am an extremely passive person, and will get all these great ideas but never act on them. But I very decisively determined to go buy seeds, but I didn't know where to go. And no offense to Manassas, but I thought the Purcellville area would be a better place to find good seeds.

As if led by some force outside my own determination, I went to the Hamilton General Store today. It was settled in a little house, and the store right next to it was closed down. I was greeted by the smell of flowery homemade soaps and a smiling lady behind the counter. "Wow!" I said. "It smells GREAT in here."
"I think that's just me!" said the lady. I liked her instantly.

I went on to ask her about seeds and she didn't sell any ( but does sell local meat and happy milk, as well as an assortment of ice cream, candy, and interesting foods you can only find at country stores). She was happy to tell me where I could find a seed seller...and then a man who had brought her happy eggs joined in on our conversation. I told them I was (gulp) learning how to garden, and was surprised that I shared with them my ever so naive idea to start a community garden. I thought it'd get a negative "you're a dumb hippie" response.

But the man told me in his slightly thick country accent about how he was looking into buying land for a community garden/farm where he'd keep goats and hopefully appeal to the hispanic/middle eastern communities. Good idea but I felt a sort of sarcasm in his tone which made me feel that he was being ficitious. I think it was when he mentioned something about seed insurance and the lady at the counter was laughing at him the whole time.

But we ended up talking for about 30 minutes about gardening. And now I have a good starting place. I was told that tomatoes are best grown in May after you're sure the frosting's over (but if it isn't, you can cover your tomatoes with milk gallons cut open), and that grains are what people typically start growing early. I was advised on what kind of tomato seeds I should buy and also to look up what foods are grown in a region (this is noted by a number. The lady said we were either 6 or 7). I was directed to a landscaping store in Lincoln which apparently has the best gardening expert in the area.

I remember at one point the man asked if I was gonna grow from seeds or from plants. I told him seeds. Plants would probably be a lot easier, especially for a beginner like me. But I always say, if you're gonna learn something, you gotta learn the right way. And seeds just make sense to me, because I need to learn about the growth and development of plant, and that's best way to do it, even if it means failure. Even if I don't reap a harvest this year.

Seeds are very important on a spiritual level. And I like crossing over spiritual and physical principles, because many times they are completely intertwined (like vines). For some reason (partially due to my redemptive gifting of teaching) I understand the biblical metaphors of gardening rather well, even though I have never gardened. Now I want to apply these principles to my real life. I want to draw near to land and let my hands connect to the ground. I believe that builds a stronger connection with God, because you have a stronger connection to His creation.

Seeds are also very important to this phase of my life right now, where there are just little tiny seeds spread out, waiting to take root. Purcellville is a seed because its farmland reminds of my desire to get closer to the source of my food. My job at Starbucks is a seed because I work with food and drink, and I learn to work with and talk to all sorts of different, and sometimes unusual people. My job in P-ville is a seed because I needed to reconcile myself to a community that I severed myself from in college (the religious right) and I am learning the importance of having an open mind and re-learning important perspectives conservatives have. Plus I am gaining important experience and I am working in an organization where passion is emphasized, and anything less than that is strongly discouraged. And I am working in a cause which I am coming to believe in (http://www.parentalrights.org/ - go there sometime). Living in Manassas is a seed...and that's a little bit more of a loaded explanation I won't go into.

God is preparing me for something, and it's gonna be grand, but very hard. I am grateful for everything he is planting in my life.

"i want to meet with you"

Yesterday, I had a revelational idea:

Like many mornings, I worked an early shift at Starbucks (4am-9am) and afterwards I started driving up to Purcellville for my other job. Well I only work 20 hours a week in Purcellville, and every Monday we're supposed to have a meeting at 5:15 (this is because all our interns are students and it's hard to get them all in the same room at the same time). Because I work there 5 hours, 4 days a week...it seemed illogical for me to come in at my usual 10:30 time and then stay til 6:15. But I was already halfway to P-ville when I realized that.

Normally, I take Rt 15 to Church Harmony Rd or Rt 7 West. But instead I drove up Rt 15 until I reached Leesburg's old town district, and I parked by the Washington & Old Dominion Trail (I think one of these days I'll bring my bike up there to ride after work). I sat down under a pagoda and ate my yogurt. I was going to get into the Word, but then I had to pee real badly. I did not want to cut my time short, so I went to find somewhere to pee. It was only fitting that I was by a creek, laden with rocks, but it was too much in the open for me to urinate at a public park.

I walked into a development of houses, thinking it'd lead to a street (Leesburg is confusing
) but it didn't. Instead, over a bunch of buildings I saw the sign (and it opened up my eyes). It said something about natural foods. And my heart jumped in rejoice. I walk down there hoping I wouldn't have to buy an $8 apple to use their bathroom. But they were hippies and so they let me. They warned me that they used their bathroom for storage, and was astounded that it was covered with books. I could've spent all day in that bathroom looking at their strange books. So I'm a big food nerd, but honestly not too many of their books appealed to me....a lot of them were about health and boring stuff like that. I wanted something more like the philosophical reasons why you should eat organic- nothing.

And then I went to a Cigar and Pipe store. And bought a a small pipe and cloves. I was elated. I tried to smoke when I returned to my spot, but it was too windy. I read Isaiah 55 and a couple Psalms and spent some time there. And then I left.

It may seem insignificant. But its things like this that I truly relish. Sometimes you just can't travel from one job to another and work non-stop. You need to slow yourself. Your need rest. Most importantly, I needed to spend time with my Father. This was the reason I stopped...but most of my time was spent exploring.

I know that doesn't sound restful. But exploring is both restful and exhilarating to me. In my walk with God, I explore a lot of things, and I am always exploring. Life is no fun when you can't explore.

I was lacking it. In fact, I had been lacking a lot of myself. Even when I was depressed in school, I was never quite as happy as I was there. But now I'm learning happiness, and accepting what God has for me. I feel like life is becoming full again. Christ is changing me all over again.

the redemptive gift of teaching

On Sunday I am sharing at New Covenant Fellowship for a few minutes about the redemptive gift of teaching, which I am. I may not end up sharing this(at least not all of it) on Sunday, but I'm compiling a list for the fun of it.

If you see anything on here that may just apply to me and not other teachers, let me know. If you have any quirky statements to add...please do.

you know you're a teacher if....

1-you take time to compile this list, avoiding some other task you need to do

2-you don't realize the efficient way to do something until you are 3/4 through it. but you kinda hate efficiency if it doesn't cover all ground. you want to do things RIGHT, so it's about the means, not the end.

3-you have a really weird connection with food. you're obsessed with it- cooking, eating, and sometimes even the concepts of gardening ( even if you don't garden). you are probably one of the best cooks you know, and you have a very selective palate. it's not a surprise if you've ever been a vegetarian. you might even make up words to fit your eating life style (i.e. i'm a "hospitalitarian")

4-you are very passive and could easily spend a whole day doing nothing. you often find yourself "meaning" to do a number of things.

5-while you're not the most super-relational person, you must always have some sort of connection to people. (that's why you're on facebook or texting alllll the time)

6-you have piles and piles of books sitting around everywhere. you're addicted to buying books and sometimes reading them. you probably have $70 of overdue fines to the library.but you're still very picky, and will usually drop a book after reading 1 or 2 chapters.

7-you are very skeptical to statements people present as truth. you have to do loaded amounts of research to verify anything. and then nothing ever really gets verified because you find the holes in the arguments you read. you don't see things in black and white, but there's a lot of haze (sometimes you get so obsessed with a controversial topic, that you interrupt your senior sem research paper to research the issue and then somehow find a way to integrate into your said paper)

8-you're very lengthy about everything. because you need validate statements you make. and then make a validation to validate that validation, and so forth. your speeches/talks are usually the longest out of a class of people. you even have to take steps to make smaller margins and use 11 sized fonts (vs. 12) to save paper.

9-you have probably achieved/or are achieving some level of higher ed...and will probably go further after that

10-you tend to have a very conceptual/intellectual/pr

ofessional relationship with god if you have one at all (since you doubt everything)

11-you feel a huge burden to know everything or just know enough to prove other people wrong

12-when you argue on a topic, you don't take it personally (but other people may get offended by how upfront you are... because you correct people. you have to.)

13-you internalize everything (unless you present your problems as a "lesson" to others). you ponder things over and over and over again, and let them marinate for a long time until they drive you crazy from your over analysis.

14-you're kinda slow with your ways...because things need to process over time.

15-you're very bad at maintenance. your car, your room, your everything outside of your social/professional/intellectual life often gets ignored. you're kinda messy.

16-you make jokes or ironic remarks that no one else seems to "get." you often make vague references to obscure things.

17-you'll edit this note several times.