tonight, I went to By Grace Community Church for the first time. it was at the monastey, which i have never been to, but have seen pictures and video when I've been to Hope community. the monastery is a home to several churches, with a vision of being a unified body of churches in the area. the chapel inside is beautiful. i thought to myself that i had't been in a church that was so aesthetically pleasing and yet simple...not too ornate.

for the first part of the service i was distracted. there were so many young people (and some older people) all packed into a small room, and my eyes tend to wander a lot, and my eyes tend to want to scope things out. i hate that i do that, but it do it all the time at church or IV. when i'm used to being at a place, i don't do it as much, so hopefully, i'll stop at some point.

when Kevin Hass started speaking, I realized how much I've missed his talks. when he said we were gonna look at Luke 5, cole and I started to laugh cause we had just studied the passage this week in small group. yet, he went beyond just the bare bones of what we pulled out, and went straight for the heart of the passage. the part that hit me the most was the application. he asked us how we are to use our gifts to serve the Kingdom of God. something i thought about a lot this summer. and yet, it really hit home to me, cause of my recent call to teach. honestly, i have never felt called by God to specifically do anything. and teaching was always last on my list. but i have this weird feeling as though i am being called. the more i think and pray about it, the more i want to teach. and there are many things that freak me out about it.

and another thing he asked was what are we going to leave behind to pursue our calling. now this is where it gets hard. i hate letting go of things, but the disciples were people too and left behind everything. but i realized why i am being called to teach. God is calling me out of what I've wanted to do. and you may ask what. and i also had been asking what. but at the core of everything i had been considering in my past- writing, making film, acting, directing, etc...it's all been directed for my glory. i've always wanted to be someone big. someone significant to history. i've always wanted to be remembered. so i wanted fame. even when i wouldn't admit it, everything i was going for was for me. i didn't want it anymore, i didn't. but everything i was pursuing was otherwise. and then God gave me a way out. what do i have to give up to teach? my secret yearning for glory. it means nothing. its rubbish. and i've been tricked by it all these years.

and just now, as i'm realizing that i have potential. i'm not feeling short-changed in my gifts. i don't consistently feel like an idiot. now is the time God is calling me to step away from what I wanted with those gifts. this is so incredibly humbling.

i don't feel equipped to teach. i don't. but then i do. i learn so many things, and my greatest desire is to SHARE. share them with people. i remember wanting to be a teacher as a little girl. i don't really remember why. i guess i felt so inspired by everything i was learning. i loved to learn. and now, i'm coming back to this childhood desire. i never wanted fame until i stopped wanting to teach. that was 3rd grade. heh!

i was thinking all these things went Hass was talking about the call to follow Christ. then when his talk was done, the first song we sang was "the famous one." i laughed out loud at the irony.

"You are the Lord,
The Famous One, Famous One
Great is Your name in all the earth
The heavens declare You're glorious, glorious
Great is Your fame beyond the earth"

i have a hard time realizing this. that these words ring false in my ears unless i let go of my glory.

oh, and it was so cool watching the lightning show through the chapel windows and hearing the thunder right above us. at the end as this elder was praying a beautiful prayer, it started raining. the rain poured down harder and harder as he prayed, and just as he said
"Amen," the lights went out, for just a second. i felt God's presence. so strong.

Today, I had a revelation: I want to teach. Teach what? Maybe English, but I don't want to just teach about English, but a more broad spectrum of things- ranging from drama, art history, religion, philosophy, etc etc. I guess English teachers could very well incorporate different subjects into it though, since my lit prof took my class on a tour of the campus architecture a couple days ago.

This is funny. When I was little, I mean LITTLE, I wanted to teach. But then that desire completely went away. And in high school, I joined the FEA (future educators of America) but I think that was just because I liked my teacher who was running it. We were friends. She was my English writing teacher. Go figure. One of my friends, Shawnee had commented on how I'd be a great teacher. She said that everyone would complain about how I didn't make sense until they scored advanced on their SOLs. When I got to college, I still had no desire to teach.

Until today.

It was no big event, not any at all. I was sitting in lit class. I was getting my books together. It wasn't a special class. I mean, I was sitting there, listening to things my classmates had to say that were interesting. And I was interested, rather than wanting to shoot them. And then when I got up I had a random surge in my heart to teach.

I forgot about this. And then Lindsey and I watched Looney Tunes today. We were watching this one about Daffy Duck trying to fight against what his animator was doing to him, but to no avail. He was the one being animated. When I saw, I thought, if I taught a class about existentialism, I'd show this cartoon.

And it got me thinking about the weird things I think up and how I always want to share them with people. And my creative energies. Yes, I like to write. Yes, I like to create. But limiting it to just that wouldn't be good. I am a girl filled with creative visions that is beyond just creating art, it's creating good, functional things. I was thinking about where they'd best fit into a job. I'd say teaching is one. Maybe the one. I also have had thoughts that I want form a school. I look around this one, and I see what I would do different, as far as what it is.

I don't know who I'd teach or where I'd teach. I have always wanted to live abroad, but I think that would be the hardest, teaching people who I don't understand. Communicating would be difficult. I also have wanted to go on the missions field, maybe teaching would come in hand there. Or maybe teach in the inner city? Or teach a bunch of spoiled over- educated kids? I kinda wanna be a prof. So, today I had a vision. But I have to do a lot more praying and waiting to discover the details.

Neverthless, I'm excited. I never ever thought I'd say that again. That I want to teach.

This somewhat resembles the tatoo I want to get. I always liked tatoos, but never felt inspired by anything to want to get it inked permanently. The original idea of this design was inspired a couple weeks ago at IV. In Beth's talk, she spoke about two types of fear in the Bible. One was fear as in being afraid, and running away. The other was yira- being in total awe and reverence of God. The word rolled off the tongue so loverly, yira. Nicole and I both were marveled at that word we just learned. She said that would be a good tatoo. And she wrote it on her hand. Yira Yahweh. And we both agreed it'd be a good tatoo.

At church this morning, I got inspired. Yahweh turns into YHWH, like the original text. I have heard it said before that since the name of God was indistinguishable, He gave this name to Moses, which wasn't meant to be said phonetically, but breathed in and out. YH (inhale), WH(exhale). Breathing in God is a very beautiful thing to me. It keeps me focused on Him, and it silences my inner distractions. You could even say it's very zen-like. When we come to God, clearing away our minds, and all the junk we are thinking is usually the best way to be able to connect. I often forget this. Having YHWH inked somewhere that I can would set a good reminder to me.


Yira. I often fear God, and fear things. But it isn't that yira fear. It's the other. I flee away from him, hiding from him, too scared to be in his prescense. In place of yira fearing God, I fear other things- school, relationships, myself. All these fears culminate, distracting me from God's perfect love. The fear spoke of in 1 John 4 is this. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."I want to fear God, not being afraid of him. But being in total awe of his power and sovereignty set before me. I want to bow before God and his majesty, not on the material things I set in his way.

The yira fear of God comes up numerous times in scripture. One of the earliest instances is when Abraham submits, willing to give his most precious possession, his son, up to God.

Genesis 22:2
Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

Abraham follows orders because he trusts God and knows that He is looking out for him. He sets God first above all else, shown as he is willing to give up his one and only son.

vs 10-12
Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied

"Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

fear God= yira YHWH

To live life without withholding from God in full worship to glorify Him is Yira.

what's more is that it's Jesus showing up here to intervene Abraham's sacrifice. Jesus is God in man's form. The Angel of the LORD, is not just an ordinary angel. It doesn't say AN angel of the LORD, it says THE. And also how else could the angel say that you have not withheld from "me" unless this angel was also God? So it has to be Christ. What's so weird, and how this all connects, is that God does give his son up to save the world. He sent Christ to die on a tree. This was the true sacrifice, this story leads to.

And that'd be the part that completes the tatoo. The completeness in Christ's death on the tree makes us able to yira yahweh. This tree (cross) has several layers. When we have Christ, we start off as seeds, and grow into trees, bearing much of his fruit- love, joy, peace, patience, gentlness, and self-control. We start off small, and it is only through Christ that we grow into big thick beautiful trees. We continue to grow. It is in Him, and his redeeming love that we can have life, life to the fullest. And experience eternity now.

I feel connected to nature, what God has created. The ground I walk on, the trees I see. I love trees. They are a beautiful symbol of what it is to have life. God's love and the nature of the cross is seen in his creation. The Tree of Life. What can I say, I'm a tree hugger.

Another thing a I see a tree a symbol of, is community. We are all different parts of the tree- the roots, the stump, the branches, the plant life, without each other, we are not able to function. Do you ever see a tree without a stump, or without at least 3 branches. Trees show that the best way to live is not individually, but in community.

I never wanted a specific tatoo. This one has so many layers to me, and is so personal to my existence as a human being, that I really am excited for the day I get it inked. Which won't be anytime soon, cause I have no money. When I get a job, I'll start setting aside increments of money towards, it and hopefully get it done by a friend I can help support, or someone working for a good cause. I had thought for awhile that getting inked would be a big waste of money, but not if it goes towards something good.

Up and above is the design, in Janelle fooling around on Paint form. I'll get one of my artistic friends to take the concept and make it prettier. I want the tatoo somewhere I can see it, but I'm not sure where. My ideal place is vertically on my wrist. Yet, that'll hurt a lot. We'll see when the time comes!

"Was the Facebook revolt the sign of growing revolutionary activism among the Internet generation? Not really. Granted, the protests got Facebook to back down: the website modified its News Feed, and students feel that their privacy has been restored. But all the students did was click a button to join an Anti-News Feed group on Facebook or sign the online petition — a protest that took less than a minute. There were no massive demonstrations or a significant boycott. Facebook’s membership has continued to increase every day since the News Feed was implemented. And were Facebook itself not the subject of the protests, it’s unlikely that the students’ actions would have brought such a quick result."

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1533289,00.html

we are being mocked by facebook itself.
it's time to delete your facebook account. join with me.

late night entries are dangerous
but when i cannot sleep, i must write something, somewhere.
and for some reason, i feel solace in sharing my thoughts with the world.
writing is how i connect with god, and how i connect with the world.
"as above, so below"

right now, i'm facing a lot of good times. and a lot of uncertainties.
my life has been packed, with good friends, good times, good bible studies, good prayers. god's been good, basically.

and i keep wanting more. i keep grabbing and grabbing at air. i keep fleeing.
why is this?

at the root of the problem, is my need for god. but i replace this need with a want. boys. a couple entries down you'll see my take on it. and i'm not so sure if it's very wise. cause i have seen myself put into situations with boys that ended with me in guilt and remorse. for the boy and for me. as one of my good, honest friends put it, it's a matter of guarding one another's hearts. i don't want to be responsible for anyone's hearts until i'm ready.

at the same time, i'm sick of being passive with those sorts of relationships. just wanting them, and never going for it. never taking action. not being open to anything. being scared of anything and everything. i don't want that anymore. so, i need some sort of balance.

and at the core of everything is god. he is the core of my being. the core of everything good i could be. and i am a child of god. i am his daughter. embracing life as his child is essentially the heart of everything. of every passion i have. of all the justice i look for. of all the dreams i dream.

and yet, i don't act like it. i run away.
at camp rudolph, i wrote on my hand, "keep me put." i am tired of whenever i start drawing close to god, of finding some excuse to focus away from him. all my stupid "intellectual" crap. of how i get creeped out by christian subculture. ok, so subculture isn't good. but it IS good to step out as a believer and claim your God. and, I am not so good at doing that cause i don't want uncomfortable conversations.

nicole and i were researching a couple of religions on wikipedia. and one of them was the Bahá'í Faith. this was established as a sort of progressive spirituality in 19th century Persia. the guy who established it of course believed he was god's last true prophet. it's basically believing that religous history has been evolving through different messengers of God, through different religions. basically every religion. to establish unity in the world. peace and justice for all of mankind. moving for social justice regardless of what path you choose.

i realize in a sense, i have been following this. not in my words, but in my actions. i so little talk about Christ, and when I do, it's as a teacher. this is what Christ taught, and I am to follow it. he taught to feed the hungry, clothe the poor, bring peace, and all these good things. and i want to do all these good things. but lately i've felt a disconnect between that and my relationship with christ. and i realized what it was. i forgot what christ came to do.

just as i face temptation with boys. christ faced every essential temptation we have faced. everyone. he was tempted in the wilderness for 40 days, and faced it on a daily basis, even in his ministry. afterall, he was fully human. but since he was also fully god, he lived a blameless life. even though he faced his temptations, he never acted on a single one. and it's because of his perfect life, that we can lay down our sin. cause we can't go on and not give in to our temptations. we are not perfect. and we have turned on god. but christ came to redeem that. so that what ever i feel right now, i can put at his feet. it's not me carrying on, cause on my own i'm not whole. on my own, i might be happy, i might be content in my life, i might be loving, but i'll never feel the perfect love which drives out all fear. the perfect gift we are offered, and even as christians we refuse. the difference between christian faith and a unitarian make everyone happy faith, is the cross. christ didn't just come to deliver a message, he came to deliver us. he's the only one in history who could've done it, and he's the only one who ever could. and now, being close-minded is not an issue, cause this just could be the only truly opening, truly freeing thing there ever was, ever. other religions might make you good, loving people, but they don't offer you the breath of new life. they don't offer you PERFECT LOVE. they don't offer you redemption in complete grace. the concept of grace isn't even mentioned. they just say if you are good humans, and do this and this and that, and your heart is good, then you're solid. and that is a lie. our hearts no matter how good we come off, are never really clean. we are deprived humans, half-hearted creatures always reaching for air and never knowing what we want. christ is true not because of the good things he did on earth, but what he is to us, TODAY. and i can't believe i am not telling people about this free everlasting gift that i know.

i am so selfish. and so self-righteous.

so i guess this guy thing really isn't the heart of the matter.

i'm pulling the plug on facebook.


facebook gets in the way. of having a life. in the way of god time, in the way of homework, in the way of exploring new music online, in the way of going out and actually doing stuff, in the way of writing cause i love writing. plus the new facebook makes feel dirty just for being on it.

austa la vista, baby.


cnu continues to be a culture shock for me, from portland this past summer. it amazes me. there's good and bad things. it's really a grey area- what is better the bible belt, or the "most unchurched" city in America?
they're different, but actually about on the same level.

side note:
i didn't do the reading for my lit class today. however, that did not hinder me from discovering a poet i really liked, due to reading it in class.

it's hard for me to find poets who i actually enjoy. i see the beauty of their work, but none of it really speaks to me. this dude i read today, feels like me, if i were a man, 80 years ago, and a doctor. he'd be my buddy if he was still alive. he speaks my language. this is the poem we read (after class i started reading his other poetry and immediately fell in love):

Danse Russe- William Carlos William

If when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame white disc
in silken mists
above shining trees, --
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
"I am lonely, lonely
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"

If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades, --

Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?

dating and subculture

I feel like, maybe the past year and a half, I've put myself in a rut. This is by liking the same kid on and off, and doing absolutely nothing about it. Well, I'm not sure if I'm so interested in this kid anymore. I'm kinda tired of liking him. Like I'm just getting myself into the same pattern over and over again. However, tonight I realized something while I was cooking vegan linguine- I don't want to be "asexual" anymore. When I like a dude, I want to ACT on it. And also, this is a big one- I don't want to push away guys just because they aren't christians. I've been doing that, forever. Ultimately, I know the best idea for a long term relationship is to have someone who claims the same best friend. Yet, I feel like I'm limiting myself by not putting myself out there and not dating.

It's a popular thing in the christian circles to be passive or asexual about relationships. It's also popular in the christian circles to consider every christian kid of the opposite sex as an option. I don't want to be either of those sorta girls anymore. I want to date guys, of all kinds, to see what kind of guy I really do like. Cause, really, I have no clue what I want. And really, I find myself most attracted to guys I am not "supposed" to be attracted to. And after wondering why, I realized that there's nothing wrong with that, and I can put myself out there. I don't need to run away from guys, or sit around passively "waiting" for my prince charming to come. It's not what happens. But too much christian literature(aka lady in waiting, and any josh harris book) tells me it does.

so you know what? this semester, i will kiss dating hello.