late night entries are dangerous
but when i cannot sleep, i must write something, somewhere.
and for some reason, i feel solace in sharing my thoughts with the world.
writing is how i connect with god, and how i connect with the world.
"as above, so below"

right now, i'm facing a lot of good times. and a lot of uncertainties.
my life has been packed, with good friends, good times, good bible studies, good prayers. god's been good, basically.

and i keep wanting more. i keep grabbing and grabbing at air. i keep fleeing.
why is this?

at the root of the problem, is my need for god. but i replace this need with a want. boys. a couple entries down you'll see my take on it. and i'm not so sure if it's very wise. cause i have seen myself put into situations with boys that ended with me in guilt and remorse. for the boy and for me. as one of my good, honest friends put it, it's a matter of guarding one another's hearts. i don't want to be responsible for anyone's hearts until i'm ready.

at the same time, i'm sick of being passive with those sorts of relationships. just wanting them, and never going for it. never taking action. not being open to anything. being scared of anything and everything. i don't want that anymore. so, i need some sort of balance.

and at the core of everything is god. he is the core of my being. the core of everything good i could be. and i am a child of god. i am his daughter. embracing life as his child is essentially the heart of everything. of every passion i have. of all the justice i look for. of all the dreams i dream.

and yet, i don't act like it. i run away.
at camp rudolph, i wrote on my hand, "keep me put." i am tired of whenever i start drawing close to god, of finding some excuse to focus away from him. all my stupid "intellectual" crap. of how i get creeped out by christian subculture. ok, so subculture isn't good. but it IS good to step out as a believer and claim your God. and, I am not so good at doing that cause i don't want uncomfortable conversations.

nicole and i were researching a couple of religions on wikipedia. and one of them was the Bahá'í Faith. this was established as a sort of progressive spirituality in 19th century Persia. the guy who established it of course believed he was god's last true prophet. it's basically believing that religous history has been evolving through different messengers of God, through different religions. basically every religion. to establish unity in the world. peace and justice for all of mankind. moving for social justice regardless of what path you choose.

i realize in a sense, i have been following this. not in my words, but in my actions. i so little talk about Christ, and when I do, it's as a teacher. this is what Christ taught, and I am to follow it. he taught to feed the hungry, clothe the poor, bring peace, and all these good things. and i want to do all these good things. but lately i've felt a disconnect between that and my relationship with christ. and i realized what it was. i forgot what christ came to do.

just as i face temptation with boys. christ faced every essential temptation we have faced. everyone. he was tempted in the wilderness for 40 days, and faced it on a daily basis, even in his ministry. afterall, he was fully human. but since he was also fully god, he lived a blameless life. even though he faced his temptations, he never acted on a single one. and it's because of his perfect life, that we can lay down our sin. cause we can't go on and not give in to our temptations. we are not perfect. and we have turned on god. but christ came to redeem that. so that what ever i feel right now, i can put at his feet. it's not me carrying on, cause on my own i'm not whole. on my own, i might be happy, i might be content in my life, i might be loving, but i'll never feel the perfect love which drives out all fear. the perfect gift we are offered, and even as christians we refuse. the difference between christian faith and a unitarian make everyone happy faith, is the cross. christ didn't just come to deliver a message, he came to deliver us. he's the only one in history who could've done it, and he's the only one who ever could. and now, being close-minded is not an issue, cause this just could be the only truly opening, truly freeing thing there ever was, ever. other religions might make you good, loving people, but they don't offer you the breath of new life. they don't offer you PERFECT LOVE. they don't offer you redemption in complete grace. the concept of grace isn't even mentioned. they just say if you are good humans, and do this and this and that, and your heart is good, then you're solid. and that is a lie. our hearts no matter how good we come off, are never really clean. we are deprived humans, half-hearted creatures always reaching for air and never knowing what we want. christ is true not because of the good things he did on earth, but what he is to us, TODAY. and i can't believe i am not telling people about this free everlasting gift that i know.

i am so selfish. and so self-righteous.

so i guess this guy thing really isn't the heart of the matter.