tonight, I went to By Grace Community Church for the first time. it was at the monastey, which i have never been to, but have seen pictures and video when I've been to Hope community. the monastery is a home to several churches, with a vision of being a unified body of churches in the area. the chapel inside is beautiful. i thought to myself that i had't been in a church that was so aesthetically pleasing and yet simple...not too ornate.

for the first part of the service i was distracted. there were so many young people (and some older people) all packed into a small room, and my eyes tend to wander a lot, and my eyes tend to want to scope things out. i hate that i do that, but it do it all the time at church or IV. when i'm used to being at a place, i don't do it as much, so hopefully, i'll stop at some point.

when Kevin Hass started speaking, I realized how much I've missed his talks. when he said we were gonna look at Luke 5, cole and I started to laugh cause we had just studied the passage this week in small group. yet, he went beyond just the bare bones of what we pulled out, and went straight for the heart of the passage. the part that hit me the most was the application. he asked us how we are to use our gifts to serve the Kingdom of God. something i thought about a lot this summer. and yet, it really hit home to me, cause of my recent call to teach. honestly, i have never felt called by God to specifically do anything. and teaching was always last on my list. but i have this weird feeling as though i am being called. the more i think and pray about it, the more i want to teach. and there are many things that freak me out about it.

and another thing he asked was what are we going to leave behind to pursue our calling. now this is where it gets hard. i hate letting go of things, but the disciples were people too and left behind everything. but i realized why i am being called to teach. God is calling me out of what I've wanted to do. and you may ask what. and i also had been asking what. but at the core of everything i had been considering in my past- writing, making film, acting, directing, etc...it's all been directed for my glory. i've always wanted to be someone big. someone significant to history. i've always wanted to be remembered. so i wanted fame. even when i wouldn't admit it, everything i was going for was for me. i didn't want it anymore, i didn't. but everything i was pursuing was otherwise. and then God gave me a way out. what do i have to give up to teach? my secret yearning for glory. it means nothing. its rubbish. and i've been tricked by it all these years.

and just now, as i'm realizing that i have potential. i'm not feeling short-changed in my gifts. i don't consistently feel like an idiot. now is the time God is calling me to step away from what I wanted with those gifts. this is so incredibly humbling.

i don't feel equipped to teach. i don't. but then i do. i learn so many things, and my greatest desire is to SHARE. share them with people. i remember wanting to be a teacher as a little girl. i don't really remember why. i guess i felt so inspired by everything i was learning. i loved to learn. and now, i'm coming back to this childhood desire. i never wanted fame until i stopped wanting to teach. that was 3rd grade. heh!

i was thinking all these things went Hass was talking about the call to follow Christ. then when his talk was done, the first song we sang was "the famous one." i laughed out loud at the irony.

"You are the Lord,
The Famous One, Famous One
Great is Your name in all the earth
The heavens declare You're glorious, glorious
Great is Your fame beyond the earth"

i have a hard time realizing this. that these words ring false in my ears unless i let go of my glory.

oh, and it was so cool watching the lightning show through the chapel windows and hearing the thunder right above us. at the end as this elder was praying a beautiful prayer, it started raining. the rain poured down harder and harder as he prayed, and just as he said
"Amen," the lights went out, for just a second. i felt God's presence. so strong.