i played the game

i am coming to hate religion more each day.

and i see my need for the cross getting bigger each day.

nothing is happening though. i see my need, but i'm just reduced to despair or apathy.

i see the religious through this acting in form. i know it's just a game. i've been there. i played the game.

as i'm hating religion more, i see how much I need Christ as my life.

but I can't grasp it. the despair and apathy entangle into a web which I'm caught in.

Lord, please fetch me out. And cast out my religiosity. Because I know there is nothing good I can do- no matter how much i attend church, or how many missions i go on- there is nothing I can do on my own to get out of this web.

stuff white people like

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

Here is a blog that tells you everything about me. Really, it's pretty sad...

here are some major tip-offs

#71- being the only white person around (i mean, i do want to go to africa)

#64- recycling

Recycling is a part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the earth without having to do that much.

Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties) and then when you’re done you just put it in a DIFFERENT bin than where you would throw your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great, it’s so easy!

#62 knowing what's best for poor people

They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal*Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to Community College/get a job instead of studying art at a University.

#61 bicycles

But there is a special category of bicycles that appeal far more to white women, the European city bike (pictured). White women have a lot of fantasies about idealized lives, and one of them is living in Europe and riding around an old city on one of these bikes. They dream about waking up and riding to a little cafe, then visiting bakeries and cheese shops and finally riding home to prepare a fancy meal for their friends who will all eat under a canopy with white Christmas lights. This information can be used to help gain the trust/admiration of a white woman, especially if you can pull off a lie about how your mother told you about how she used to do all of these things when she was younger.

#47 arts degrees

#41 indie music

If you want to understand white people, you need to understand indie music. As mentioned before, white people hate anything that’s “mainstream” and are desperate to find things that are more genuine, unique, and reflective of their experiences.

#38 arrested development

Even though most white people prefer to say that they don’t watch television, one thing they agree on is that Arrested Development was the best show on TV. They love it so much!

# 32 vegan/vegetarianism

#28 not having a tv

#18 awareness

"An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe that all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness.” Meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, and then magically someone else like the government will fix it."

#10 wes anderson films

#1 coffee


A very humorous, truth-telling blog indeed. It describes me to the tee.

And that disturbs me. This blog is very revealing of my sin.

This blog isn't just describing white people. I am an archetype of a culture that is so self-absorbed and guilt-ridden. Yep, that's me.

Everything in here points back to Self and making one feel better.

How do I as a Christian respond to this?

I am a Christian, yes. But I put my identity in all these other things. Sure, I want to serve the poor, but really, part of my motivation sometimes is to alleviate my own guilt. I'm not noble in any capacity. I think about myself all the time.

But God is full of grace and compassion which I will never acquire. He lowered himself, coming to earth as man, and died a shameful death and was resurrected, to save humankind from themselves. And here I am because of that, saved by his grace, loved by his mercy, but still I succomb to being hip, trying to make myself happy, and attempting to alleviate my guilt on my own.

I've thought about this a lot recently. I know, no matter what, I am a daughter of God, and nothing can separate myself from him, but I don't I take my cross to follow Jesus. Yes, I talk about loving God and loving people, but I'm all talk and no action. Following Jesus means to die to yourself, the cravings of your sinful nature, and to live life by the spirit. I don't do any of those things. I know I am saved by grace without merit, but sometimes I feel ashamed to call myself a Christian when I'm a really a self-absorbed hypocrite.

I just re-read Matthew 19, and it's giving me some comfort as this was just as relevant of an issue back when Jesus walked the earth. This passage pretty much gives the answer, which is a pretty complex one:

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."

"Which ones?" the man inquired.

Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,' and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'"

"All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?"

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?"

Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

scared.

It's time for a confession, guys.

I'm scared shit of graduating.

No joke.

As I write this, I know God is calling me out of my comfortable middle class life. He has bigger plans for me. I've always known that God had not so ordinary things lined up for my life, but when I was younger I thought those would be things which would make me rich and famous. I wanted to soak in all the glory I could.

But no, God has not called me to that. God has called me to love the poor, a realization I had during after a fast last semester.

I don't want to do that. I want to be rich and famous, and soak in glory. This is what part of me, my flesh, wants.

I'm scared of this calling. I am ill-equipped and I don't know how to love as I should. How am I supposed to love people I rarely have ever come in contact with?

I want to run away. I don't want to fill out applications for americorps, peace corps, mission year or jesuit volunteer corp. I want to fill out applications for menial 9-5 positions instead.

But being with the poor is what I really want. Something inside tells me to go. I must listen. Fear keeps holding me back. I am not even afraid of the living situations, of the danger as much as I am afraid of being horrible. Of feeling like a miserable person cause I can't do it. That's what I'm afraid of.

But I have Christ and in him perfect love that casts out fear. And pretty much, he bids to come and DIE to myself- to my fears, to my faults, to my insecurities- so that I can truly live. The only way I can truly live is to do the will of the Father.

I need to be reminded of this everyday. Quite honestly, I need prayer. I need to be soaked in it, because Satan is trying to hold me back. But Christ's power is strong enough to break those chains. amen.

the pygmalion effect

I'm working on a new poem. The first one in a long time. I'm embarrassed to post my shitty first draft of it on the net- it seems kinda flighty and girly, but there are deep themes I need to explore- body image, self-creation and loss of identity.

The poem is about clothes. But it cannot just be about clothes. Basically this has been an idea I wanted to put to some thought form for quite awhile. I've been having a major crisis identity. This started after getting home from Kenya, but it got much worse over winter break. As a result, I've been dressing slightly differently, slightly better. And I really don't believe that someone is what they wear, but I act like it by my almost shame of not wearing my typical thrift store outfits anymore. I realized that I've labeled myself by what I wear.

I've created myself through my clothes. It kinda makes me sick. I don't want to create some image of myself that I want people to glorify. I want God to make me beautiful and radiate His glory.

And really, I have just been dressing for other people. There's a song Rosie Thomas sings that continually echoes in my head lately- "Paper Doll"

Tonight I'm like a paper doll
Dress me in what you wish I had on
And I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

Here I am, wordless again
You dress me up different ways
Flat and thin
Speechless within
You dress me up different ways
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

And I do not like the clothes I wear
I'd sooner throw them into the air
But I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

Here I am, wordless again
You dress me up different ways
Flat and thin
Speechless within
You dress me up different ways
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

Why is it now
You've cut me out
Of everything I was used to
Now it's not that I stand here with no choice
I will choose now to raise up my voice

Here I am, wordless again
Wordless again
And I just can't be sure I'll ever change

Tonight I'm like a paper doll
Cut from the page I once lived on
And I will not say a thing
I'll just keep smiling

I love this song. And it's funny how I can relate to it. Except no specific person is doing this to me- silencing me through changing who I am. I'm doing it to myself.

So now I don't know how this poem is gonna go. It's obviously gonna be a confessional poem, which are sometimes too preachy or sometimes too emotional. I don't want it to be either. That's kinda how it seems right now. To give you an idea, here's my shitty first draft:

My closet’s torn open,
Piles of bright colors
Fall on top each other
I rest my head upon a cashmere
And wonder what’s happened-
2 or 3 years of thrifting
replaced by corporate labels
the children of Indonesia
have suffered tearful hours
for me to rest my head
upon abundance
the guilt was sucked out
at some point when I
bought the second pair of boots

I’m recreating myself
Hoping my number one
Motive above any good
Intention will be appeased:
I want to be gazed upon
Like a blazen statue
I am my own pymalion
The effect I’ve created
has never ceasing
As thrift girl, I made myself
As posh girl, I made myself

What good is it to keep making and re-creating?
for a statue whose purpose is to be worshipped.
I have leaned on the wisdom of me
And the callous “what not to wear”

Dressed to the nines
I’m don’t feel very me
But was I really myself before?

See what I mean? The first stanza is OK. But the rest sucks. I need to "show and not tell." Any ideas?

?

everything's been good (on the surface).

"i have made you too small in my eyes. oh, Lord, forgive me."

i have some stuff to say...but i can't say it in a blog. church rocked me this week in an incredibly hard way. but i shrugged it off, and decided not to pay attention to it. and that's all i'm gonna say right now.

i just really need to talk to someone with a listening ear. because it's been like pulling teeth even getting any non-positive emotions to surface.

yes, i've been positive lately. but dangerously positive. not the good kind of positive, although seems all well on the outside.

someone please call me or visit me or write me. i need to talk.

12 things to organize my thought process

I'm still here. Still thinking God and life but it's hard to put my thoughts into words. A huge swirl of events and emotions have been dancing around me and I am both excited and exhausted by life.

I'll just go down the list of thoughts.

1) I'm gonna be volunteering for the Sentera Hospice. Interestingly, I got connected through my journalism class. Dr. Lee makes short documentaries of the patients and he is possibly making it into a bigger project. I'll just be helping by getting to know the patients, video taping them and hopefully be supplemented with material for my feature writing assignments. Please pray for me. This is a big chance for me to engage in a current life dream- help people and write about them. That's what I want to do with my life and I feel so blessed to be able to start soon. I need prayer about being with these dying people- that I'll be completely humble, and that God will fill my heart with compassion. I also need prayer that I can fit this into my crazy schedule.

2) I'm realizing that I sometimes relate to non-Christians better than Christians. There is no fault here; I just find it interesting. I like it. I don't want to be caught in a Christian bubble.

3) I'm really really busy this semester and taking on new things. To do this, I've had to prioritize things, and I decided to leave CNU TONiGHT. I'm gonna really miss it. Also, I think I should take less work hours.

4) I've been super self-conscious about my body image lately, thus I've been dressing better. It's an unusual shift for me. Ultimately, I just want to be skinny again, and I sometimes hold a grudge against all the skinny, pretty girls I see around campus. I don't want to. It sucks being so bitter sometimes.

5) Last week, I received a difficult assignment: To write an obituary of Roy Smith, who was a student at CNU. It was really hard for me, because he took his own life and I myself struggle with depression. Although I don't consider suicide too often, a week before this assignment I had an epiphany that if it were not for Christ in my life, I'd be dead by now (I don't know who reads this blog, I'm letting this out there, but I'd rather be truthful than hold stuff in, in hopes that people reading might empathize.) It made it really hard to write the obituary, and I had tough decisions to make, like whether to publish how Roy died (which I decided against). I almost feel akin to Roy even though I never met him, and I was most interested in writing an article which would honor him, his family and his friends. It was published in this week's Captain's Log and I received excellent feedback, which was arelief because never having written an obituary in my life, I was anxious (and thank God for people who edit your stories). I didn't know Roy but I am so glad I got the chance to do something life-honoring for him.

6) This ties into 4. I feel uncomfortable around most underclassmen. And I hate that, because I feel like I can relate to a lot of people, individually. And it might seem like I'm acting superior to them, when thats not true at all. I just can't relate as well. And that's made going to IV large group and events more difficult, because there are mostly underclassmen there now and I am uncomfortable meeting them and getting beyond surface relationships. And my self-consciousness mentioned in 4 ties into that. I feel a tension between wanting to be their friends, and just wanting a few intentional friends. But I don't know, getting older, I just don't feel like I fit in with them at all. And that's hard, because they seem like great people. But I think I should probably just focus on deeper relationships more than having a larger amount of friendships.

7) I've been thinking a lot lately about true humility and what it is to really love and it hit me at small group this week:

The words of John the Baptist:

"A man can receive only what is given him from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, 'I am not the Christ[j] but am sent ahead of him.' The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less."- John 3:27-29

I want to have this kind of humility.

8) I had a good conversation with Zach Fauver yesterday, talking about reformed theology. He pointed out some scriptures in John and it put me at rest. Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure at pursuing God or I try to do the work myself. But ultimately, it is God doing the work in me. It's so great being reminded that.

9) I'm lagging behind on my applications.

10) For my diversity/cultural competence class, I was to make a family tree, write my family background and present that with my resume to my class. I was incredibly vulnerable, but I mean, anytime I talk about my life I have to be vulnerable or it wouldn't be truth. And sometimes I forget how interesting my life sounds to people who aren't me. But I think it's just because I'm a writer and I make things more dramatic than they are. Eh, oh well.

11) I'm trying to bust out of my cynical mode. It's not who I am.

12) I am UBER excited about a couple things right now but I can't talk about it or I might jinx it. Oh golly gosh, am I just thrilled. And I have Feist stuck in my head. =) More later.