I'm still here. Still thinking God and life but it's hard to put my thoughts into words. A huge swirl of events and emotions have been dancing around me and I am both excited and exhausted by life.
I'll just go down the list of thoughts.
1) I'm gonna be volunteering for the Sentera Hospice. Interestingly, I got connected through my journalism class. Dr. Lee makes short documentaries of the patients and he is possibly making it into a bigger project. I'll just be helping by getting to know the patients, video taping them and hopefully be supplemented with material for my feature writing assignments. Please pray for me. This is a big chance for me to engage in a current life dream- help people and write about them. That's what I want to do with my life and I feel so blessed to be able to start soon. I need prayer about being with these dying people- that I'll be completely humble, and that God will fill my heart with compassion. I also need prayer that I can fit this into my crazy schedule.
2) I'm realizing that I sometimes relate to non-Christians better than Christians. There is no fault here; I just find it interesting. I like it. I don't want to be caught in a Christian bubble.
3) I'm really really busy this semester and taking on new things. To do this, I've had to prioritize things, and I decided to leave CNU TONiGHT. I'm gonna really miss it. Also, I think I should take less work hours.
4) I've been super self-conscious about my body image lately, thus I've been dressing better. It's an unusual shift for me. Ultimately, I just want to be skinny again, and I sometimes hold a grudge against all the skinny, pretty girls I see around campus. I don't want to. It sucks being so bitter sometimes.
5) Last week, I received a difficult assignment: To write an obituary of Roy Smith, who was a student at CNU. It was really hard for me, because he took his own life and I myself struggle with depression. Although I don't consider suicide too often, a week before this assignment I had an epiphany that if it were not for Christ in my life, I'd be dead by now (I don't know who reads this blog, I'm letting this out there, but I'd rather be truthful than hold stuff in, in hopes that people reading might empathize.) It made it really hard to write the obituary, and I had tough decisions to make, like whether to publish how Roy died (which I decided against). I almost feel akin to Roy even though I never met him, and I was most interested in writing an article which would honor him, his family and his friends. It was published in this week's Captain's Log and I received excellent feedback, which was arelief because never having written an obituary in my life, I was anxious (and thank God for people who edit your stories). I didn't know Roy but I am so glad I got the chance to do something life-honoring for him.
6) This ties into 4. I feel uncomfortable around most underclassmen. And I hate that, because I feel like I can relate to a lot of people, individually. And it might seem like I'm acting superior to them, when thats not true at all. I just can't relate as well. And that's made going to IV large group and events more difficult, because there are mostly underclassmen there now and I am uncomfortable meeting them and getting beyond surface relationships. And my self-consciousness mentioned in 4 ties into that. I feel a tension between wanting to be their friends, and just wanting a few intentional friends. But I don't know, getting older, I just don't feel like I fit in with them at all. And that's hard, because they seem like great people. But I think I should probably just focus on deeper relationships more than having a larger amount of friendships.
7) I've been thinking a lot lately about true humility and what it is to really love and it hit me at small group this week:
The words of John the Baptist:
"A man can receive only what is given him from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said, 'I am not the Christ[j] but am sent ahead of him.' The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less."- John 3:27-29
I want to have this kind of humility.
8) I had a good conversation with Zach Fauver yesterday, talking about reformed theology. He pointed out some scriptures in John and it put me at rest. Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure at pursuing God or I try to do the work myself. But ultimately, it is God doing the work in me. It's so great being reminded that.
9) I'm lagging behind on my applications.
10) For my diversity/cultural competence class, I was to make a family tree, write my family background and present that with my resume to my class. I was incredibly vulnerable, but I mean, anytime I talk about my life I have to be vulnerable or it wouldn't be truth. And sometimes I forget how interesting my life sounds to people who aren't me. But I think it's just because I'm a writer and I make things more dramatic than they are. Eh, oh well.
11) I'm trying to bust out of my cynical mode. It's not who I am.
12) I am UBER excited about a couple things right now but I can't talk about it or I might jinx it. Oh golly gosh, am I just thrilled. And I have Feist stuck in my head. =) More later.
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