scared.

It's time for a confession, guys.

I'm scared shit of graduating.

No joke.

As I write this, I know God is calling me out of my comfortable middle class life. He has bigger plans for me. I've always known that God had not so ordinary things lined up for my life, but when I was younger I thought those would be things which would make me rich and famous. I wanted to soak in all the glory I could.

But no, God has not called me to that. God has called me to love the poor, a realization I had during after a fast last semester.

I don't want to do that. I want to be rich and famous, and soak in glory. This is what part of me, my flesh, wants.

I'm scared of this calling. I am ill-equipped and I don't know how to love as I should. How am I supposed to love people I rarely have ever come in contact with?

I want to run away. I don't want to fill out applications for americorps, peace corps, mission year or jesuit volunteer corp. I want to fill out applications for menial 9-5 positions instead.

But being with the poor is what I really want. Something inside tells me to go. I must listen. Fear keeps holding me back. I am not even afraid of the living situations, of the danger as much as I am afraid of being horrible. Of feeling like a miserable person cause I can't do it. That's what I'm afraid of.

But I have Christ and in him perfect love that casts out fear. And pretty much, he bids to come and DIE to myself- to my fears, to my faults, to my insecurities- so that I can truly live. The only way I can truly live is to do the will of the Father.

I need to be reminded of this everyday. Quite honestly, I need prayer. I need to be soaked in it, because Satan is trying to hold me back. But Christ's power is strong enough to break those chains. amen.