My cousin by marriage died Saturday night. I did not know him too well. He lived in Philadelphia with my cousin Lori. I visited them there a few years ago, and I was impressed by his historical knowledge of the city. Really bright guy. Really nice, too.

He was a heavy drinker. It was in his genes it seems, being an Irish Catholic. He was a very social guy, very fun. Alcohol however has created troubles for him over the years, especially in his marriage. He quit drinking last week. I guess he had enough.

Thursday night, he collaspes. He has no brain activity. I hear about it and am shocked, but it doesn't sink in.

Then on Saturday, he passed. He died so young.

I mourn for him, but especially my cousin Lori. I can not even imagine what she's going through right now. She lost her husband. Her husband who was just trying to fix things in their marriage. Her husband her loved her and has been with her for around 10 years. Dang.

I cannot even imagine.

I'm thousands of miles away right now from all of this. The funeral is this week. I obviously won't be in attendance. I wouldn't even know what to say to her. What words could possibly comfort her?

I know one thing I can do. Is pray. Pray that God captivates her life and surrounds her with his glory and love. I pray that through this difficult time, she can find dependence on Him, and have her lead her through, comforting her, as a husband would. Bring her through this time of mourning and heal her wounds.

I pray she recieves new life through God. I pray that he will use whatever vessel she needs to communicate God's care to here. Whether it be a friend, a family member, a book, a song, or just an impulse to start reading the Word.

I cannot even imagine how she feels, but I weep for her and her husband.

My brother's response.

I have a problem. And I need to pray my butt off for it. And if you'd like to pray for me as well, that'd be great.

I love that God put me at CNU, in these two years, I have grown in so many ways I never imagined. But, I feel like it's time to move on. I don't know if this is just an impulse, but it's a feeling that's been growing in me for a long time, so maybe it isn't.

I just feel like besides an amazing community of friends who have been so good to me, and Intervarsity, there is nothing there for me. I love theater so much, but I hate being a theater major. I honestly don't like the department, and I don't feel like I am passionate enough about the program to spend all my time in it like others do. I can't wait to take playwriting, but I could even do that without being a theater major.

The only other option? English. I have enough credits to continue in English as a major, instead of theater. I would probably concentrate in creative writing. Thinking about creative writing scares me, because I hate writing unless I am inspired. It would be extremely difficult for it to become a discipline for me.

I don't want Theater or English. I don't want any of the other programs at CNU. Not for four years.

What a girl to do? Transfer.

I know, I know. Yeah, right. I don't have the money to do that. I don't. My parents are not having the easiest time putting me through college. These past two years will be several thousand dollars down the drain for them, without me getting a degree. I want to get a degree, but my parents want it more for me, and want me to pursue it in the cheapest, easiest way- 4 years at CNU...I gotta obey that, right? Since they're the parents and the breadwinners.

By the way, if I transfer I know what I'd want to study. Either communication design or film, depending on where I go. I have no idea where to go. I looked at VCU, and it seems like transferring there is a bigger bitch than most places, as far as going into the arts. I'd have to submit a portfolio just to get in, even though I am not currently an art student. For film! Plus the program requirements would make a freshman for a long time.I was browsing, looking at Pacific Northwest College of Art, and it seems like it at least would possibly take my liberal arts credits, which I have a lot of. But that is in Portland, thousands of miles away from home, away from my family, away from my friends who I love so I dearly, and miss so much right now. Even though Portland is an ideal place for me to be, I need to look much closer to home.

Plus, I have no money.

So what else? Well, I think maybe after next semester, I might take a semester off. I am definitely gonna continue at CNU this semester, and am excited about going back when I do. And who knows, maybe when I go back, I'll stay for good. But I am seriously considering dropping out for a semester, to
a) work my butt off (to possibly afford transferring, and so my parents won't pay room and board for a semester that might be a waste of time)
b) pray. pray. pray. explore my options. apply to and visit colleges. pray God will open doors.
c)maybe take an art class at NOVA

I would absolutely hate being home, while I could be at CNU with my friends. I would abhor it. It would not be easy. Not in the slightest. But I know I need to be a good steward of my parents' money, and going to school for things that I am impassionate about is not gonna work. So that's maybe what will happen. Who knows? I'm petrified. CNU is so comfortable for me. CNU has been a home to me. I feel more at home there than I ever have felt among my Manassas community. Plus there's the issue of IV leadership. I made a committment to it. I am stoked about theater small group next semester and what God has in store for it. But I at least know that if I do lead, there are girls in the group who'd be fully capable of taking over. Afterall, Beth, Nicole, and I are not the leaders of the group. God is.

I don't cry usually when people leave or I leave people. But right now, thinking about leaving CNU is making me tear up. I really love it there. But it doesn't feel right for what I wanna do. It feels like a waste of my parents' money.

So, I am gonna go this next semester to see if I have any passion for it, academically. And if I don't, away I go.

God, I don't want to do this.

I wrote that last post in a heated moment, so let's get one thing clear.

The "we" I address are people who say they follow Christ. I realized after re-reading it, that it seems like I made the assumption that everyone has the same faith as I do, and obviously that isn't true. I was speaking to a christian audience.

I didn't get complaints yet, cause no one reads this.

I got into another argument with my dad about my post, a few back, well the only controversial post I got up.

It really steams me up how my opinion is misconstrued and misinterpreted.

I feel like, it is our calling to LOVE EVERYONE. Telling extreme conservatives that the message their sending to homosexuals is not one that reflects the Gospel, does not mean I am some liberal elitist who hates conservatives. I still consider many of my beliefs to be conservative. In fact, I dare to say, that my post really had no political agenda to it at all.

The heart of it, is that we ALL deserve God's wrath, and that we are all subject to his grace. Cookie-cutter christians who just follow the rules and do what they can to get pet on the head are subject to God's grace. Prostitutes who live lowly lives on the streets, just trying to get by, are subject to God's grace. Slightly pretentious, picky, self-indulgent college kids who always want to be right are subject to God's grace (that'd be me). Homosexuals, whether they acknowledge their sin or not, are subject to God's grace. And I mean, aren't we all wreaked in sin we don't acknowledge? Who am I to say that I am completely aware of every sin I am involved in.

Yes, part of your relationship with God is to repent and ask God for forgiveness, so that God will change your ways. (note, that it's God, not judgmental human beings). But you also got to consider how even when you repent, you always go back, and so you are always needing God. We are wretched people, who will never run out of room for God's acceptance. The more and more we grow in him, the bigger our sin is. The point is that we don't focus on the sin of others. We must focus on our own. Yes, we are called to teach and rebuke. But when we do this, it needs to be out of love, not out of self-motivation. And by the way, I am talking a LOT to myself. We are called to teach and rebuke with respect (2 Timothy anyone?) but not with condemnation.


I don't know what to believe politically. I really don't think faith and politics should mix. I don't think we should compare our times with past times. I think we should fight for social justice, because we are called to by the scripture. I think we should fight for our rights as humans. I think lobbying laws dismissing the toleration of homosexuality is ridiculous. I don't know how I feel about gay marriage. I don't know how I will down the road when I have children. I do know that marriage is a godly covenant, but then again, we live in a society in which it most commonly isn't anymore. It might be by ceremonial deed, but not by the way people live through their marriages after the saying of their vows. I don't know if I support gay marriage or not, I know I at least support civil unions. I know am pro-life. But that does not just regard the matter of abortion. It regards the matter of the human living condition. We are to feed and clothe the hungry, not stomp on their toes, pushing them further down the ladder.

I don't think I am ascribing to any socialist system when I am saying this. We can feed the poor through missional journeys outside our comfort level. To go outside our culture to work for people who need our love and care is one of the most beautiful things I can think of. To give money to charities and missions established all over the world is important. The problem with socialism, is that I don't necessarily trust the government to handle our money. Governments through history, even the best, have proven to be corrupt. I think passing more laws to get people fed is a good thing, but by no means am I for a completely socialistic system.

Liberal or conservative, I don't feel I need to pick. People push you to choose one side. I don't think they're any objective right and wrongs on either side. I think politics are pretty grey. I don't want to bust people on their politics, I just don't want to see people using their politics to drive people out of faith.

School is OVER

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Due to a lot of procrastination, and little motivation, I didn't start finishing my 10 page Don Quijote paper until 9 on Tuesday night, and I finally went to sleep at 4am, just to wake up, at oh, 5:30 to finish it and study for tech theater final. Tech theater final went down at 9am, which has the most obscure questions on it ever. I don't think my teacher looked at it before he gave it out. There was a lot of stuff that he didn't go over, and there was even an American History question making its appearance. At least I know American History much more than I do tech theater. When I came back, I finished the damn paper, had my roommate edit it, and turned it in, right at noon. Wearing the same clothes 2 days in a row, I proceeded to take a shower and brush my teeth. I went back to scene shop to fight my paint project until it got done. The stones I was painting were, for the past couple of days, the bane of my existence, cause I could never get them right. I think they ended up turning out the best of everything on there. I was done with the paint project, and thus, done with school around 4pm! I went back to my house, ate the rest of my leftover rotini, turned on some wilco, went on my computer and wrote an e-mail, and then I passed out, around 5:30pm. And it wasn't until 3:45am that I woke up.
It's 4:21 AM right now, and I am wide awake.

today marked the beginning of finals. i can't believe school is practically over.
saturday is rockbridge, and in just a few weeks, i'll be in portland. goodness.

as time was running out, i felt compelled to do something. something quite bold on my part, as i have always been too cowardly. i learned to take a risk and take a stab of having a broken heart. and really, even though this did involve me telling a boy i liked him, it wasn't that he was the one who broke my heart. it's god. all him. he was the one who triggered me to be vulnerable. to be flesh. to do something that would strip me of my pride. his breakdown of my pride was the heartbreaker, and it hurts, but it's good. and i am relieved. i am at peace. i am at rest. knowing something that has confused me so much that i was almost making myself miserable. at least momentarily. pretty soon i need to crack open my bible and talk to god, because without a continued conversation with him about it, i'm going to submit to the devil's lies. that i was a fool to tell him. that he doesn't like me cause i'm the wierd crazy girl who plays the part of the sideshow clown, and i'm ugly. that i had such a great chance with him, being that we spent so much time together and then it was spoiled. all these lies. attacking me from different angles.

in doing something like this, letting go of myself, i have a greater need for the cross now. my dependency on christ has just increased. and now i'm realizing more why he breaks us down.


exams i killed today
classical drama- i nailed the essays. SLAM! the multiple choice was pretty decent too.
acting 2- i sucked butt. the room around me was all dry when i was performing. you could hear the crickets chirp.
the only thing that's giving me a hard time about acting, really is the grade. i want to maintain myself above a 3.0, that's been my get into some pretigious film school when i get outta cnu. i learned this semester the reason why i am not a good actor: i don't take risks to effect people. most of my life, i did theater to get attention, and hog the stage. i didn't engage in the real drama, the conflict. i focused on the goofy stuff. and it was just like this in my human relationships. i never engaged in real relationships. i always backed away. i always hid. now as i'm growing in my relationships and learning how to love, and i'm learning how to act. i suck at loving people, and i also suck at acting. it's funny how those two corelate.
anyways i can't wait to do playwriting and directing next year. these are the reasons why i'm a theater major.

it's a relief those are over. what's left...
a don quijote research paper
tech theater exam
2 paint projects (tech theater is a slave driving class)