today marked the beginning of finals. i can't believe school is practically over.
saturday is rockbridge, and in just a few weeks, i'll be in portland. goodness.

as time was running out, i felt compelled to do something. something quite bold on my part, as i have always been too cowardly. i learned to take a risk and take a stab of having a broken heart. and really, even though this did involve me telling a boy i liked him, it wasn't that he was the one who broke my heart. it's god. all him. he was the one who triggered me to be vulnerable. to be flesh. to do something that would strip me of my pride. his breakdown of my pride was the heartbreaker, and it hurts, but it's good. and i am relieved. i am at peace. i am at rest. knowing something that has confused me so much that i was almost making myself miserable. at least momentarily. pretty soon i need to crack open my bible and talk to god, because without a continued conversation with him about it, i'm going to submit to the devil's lies. that i was a fool to tell him. that he doesn't like me cause i'm the wierd crazy girl who plays the part of the sideshow clown, and i'm ugly. that i had such a great chance with him, being that we spent so much time together and then it was spoiled. all these lies. attacking me from different angles.

in doing something like this, letting go of myself, i have a greater need for the cross now. my dependency on christ has just increased. and now i'm realizing more why he breaks us down.


exams i killed today
classical drama- i nailed the essays. SLAM! the multiple choice was pretty decent too.
acting 2- i sucked butt. the room around me was all dry when i was performing. you could hear the crickets chirp.
the only thing that's giving me a hard time about acting, really is the grade. i want to maintain myself above a 3.0, that's been my get into some pretigious film school when i get outta cnu. i learned this semester the reason why i am not a good actor: i don't take risks to effect people. most of my life, i did theater to get attention, and hog the stage. i didn't engage in the real drama, the conflict. i focused on the goofy stuff. and it was just like this in my human relationships. i never engaged in real relationships. i always backed away. i always hid. now as i'm growing in my relationships and learning how to love, and i'm learning how to act. i suck at loving people, and i also suck at acting. it's funny how those two corelate.
anyways i can't wait to do playwriting and directing next year. these are the reasons why i'm a theater major.

it's a relief those are over. what's left...
a don quijote research paper
tech theater exam
2 paint projects (tech theater is a slave driving class)