my mind is changing every day.
i feel I'm failing at any attempt of clarity.
but maybe it's good that life is a bit foggy and ambiguous?
my mind is changing everyday.
i feel like i have to make a life-changing decision within a week's time.
i know that's actually nuts. but the pressure's building, gearing my thoughts to rush and run around.
God, GIVE ME CLARITY!
no?
ok.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
!!!!mid-college freak-out!!!!
it's reached that point, where i'm starting to feel a certain amount of heftiness. i didn't have much of a plan going into college. my plan originally was to go to cnu 2 years then transfer to film school. obviously, that didn't work out. during that time, i was trying to figure out what to do, cause i still wanted to study film. so i decided to major in theater, with directing and dramatic lit. i figured it'd be a good segue into grad school for film. uh, that turned out to be extremely negative. theater was not what i thought it'd be. and i thought it completely worthless spending all my time on things that had nothing to do with me wanting to be a theater major- like 4 hours of tech work a week! what the crap?! 4 semesters of backstage practicum! that added to all the expectations of my concentration and the stuff that theater students were highly encouraged to do. i wanted to die. and i didn't end that last semester well. I'm not used to seeing C's after putting forth SO much sweat and pain.
after last semester, i had a crisis. did not know what to do. transfer out of cnu? it was too late. i knew my only other option was to be an english major, and for some reason, i was totally opposed to it. but i felt pretty dang good, when i decided to do creative writing. it's something people always encourage me with, cause apparently, i can't write well. and i like it.
so, that was said and done.
and then, my epiphany came. i want to teach! i was so excited. until my roomie who is a grad student in the MAT program started talking about all the requirements. i started to freak out. ok, so i'll just, just to have add another semester here, or do some summer school, but i can get it done! even when faced with the realities of MAT and teaching my roomie was informing me of, i still felt very sure that i had to just go for it.
until friday. i met with one of the MAT advisors. and thus, i am no longer sure if MAT is for me. she told me of my the requirements. for me to be a high school english teacher, i would have to take several, several classes that i wasn't going to take. it's almost like adding on another concentration to my english major, thus double majoring. plus i have a double minor already in process, which the advisor was not to excited to hear. adding all of this together, i should be out of CNU at age 27.
so what do i do? drop creative writing?
i really, really don't want to that. plus creative writing really only requires 5 classes plus any other upper level english classes that go in. but just imagine- i would have to take a really intense fiction writing class and some grammar class (that would drive me mad) and a 30 hour classroom lab all at once, plus two other classes.
i really have to consider something. the MAT program only covers two types of traditional education. K-6 and 6-12. am i absolutely positive i want to teach high school or middle school?? i have no clue if i want to teach either, i just know i want to teach, and MAT is the fastest way to guarantee me a job. but this program is sooo...anally retentive. there is so much red tape, and so much that goes with getting into the program. plus, the public school system from what i hear and have experienced is, too, anally retentive. i just, won't be able to stand it. I am way too type B. If i teach, i want to teach kids things that i care about and they do or will probably care about. i don't want to worry about outside pressure of achievement scores in testing, like SOL. i hate the SOLs. hate. hate. hate. cause i really feel like they ruined my secondary education. most of my teachers were so geared for teaching for the SOLs, they didn't do anything else. it sucked.
so, do i really want to be a teacher for the state of Virginia? not really, i think. but it just feels like the most realistic thing for a job for me after school. haha. i know it's funny. janelle thinking realistically. but you what? all the dreams i've had for after college, they demand money. going to film school, going to italy, doing mission work in third world countries, moving to Portland, even just working for a church (cause God knows ministers don't make a lotta money. My IV staff workers have to fund raise their money). i have no money. and i'm realizing that my parents don't have limitless resources for me to draw from. i'm realizing i'm lucky enough being put through school. all my idealistic dreams can't be met without money. funny, cause i hate money. i hate 9-5 office jobs. i hate doing the same mundane tasks for hours on end. i hate high pressure jobs. where people are always waiting on you to get them stuff. and the line never ends. i'm just not cut out for an average job.
but one reason why i don't want to be a virginia public school teacher right away, is that i feel the next few years after college will be the only time i have to pursue my dreams. think about it. someday i'll meet the man i want to marry. this man, if i get that lucky, will ask me to marry him. then we'll SETTLE DOWN. i hate that. i hate those words. it implies so much. husband will go and be a breadwinner. so we can have a big house for our kids, who i would have to most likely stay home with, if i want them to turn out alright. i'll never see my husband, cause he'll be too busy trying to provide stuff for us. and my life will be in constant control of my kids. i wouldn't be able just to go on a random trip or go live in africa whenever i feel like it. i'll have lives to be responsible for. we'll live in some boring house, in a boring neighborhood, that looks like every house and every neighborhood in America. all my friends will be doing the same thing. and we'll get together to talk about stupid, American dream-oriented things. and i'll become a rigid conservative, cause all i'll care about is my own security.
and it'll be all because money will keep us there. keep us away from pursuing dreams else where. keep us away from people who are in need. keep us away from any unpredictability and excitement. even if the guy i marry has the same dreams as i, we'd still not have the money.
teaching seems to be the only way, but traditional, i just can't do.
an afterthought
of course this freak out is natural. it's part of my flesh.
but i'm called beyond that.
and people always remind me. sherwin told me to read this after reading this post.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally brothers and sisters,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable
- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -
think about such things.
Whatever you have learned or recieved, or heard from, or seen in me - put it into practice.
And the God of peace will be with you.
it's reached that point, where i'm starting to feel a certain amount of heftiness. i didn't have much of a plan going into college. my plan originally was to go to cnu 2 years then transfer to film school. obviously, that didn't work out. during that time, i was trying to figure out what to do, cause i still wanted to study film. so i decided to major in theater, with directing and dramatic lit. i figured it'd be a good segue into grad school for film. uh, that turned out to be extremely negative. theater was not what i thought it'd be. and i thought it completely worthless spending all my time on things that had nothing to do with me wanting to be a theater major- like 4 hours of tech work a week! what the crap?! 4 semesters of backstage practicum! that added to all the expectations of my concentration and the stuff that theater students were highly encouraged to do. i wanted to die. and i didn't end that last semester well. I'm not used to seeing C's after putting forth SO much sweat and pain.
after last semester, i had a crisis. did not know what to do. transfer out of cnu? it was too late. i knew my only other option was to be an english major, and for some reason, i was totally opposed to it. but i felt pretty dang good, when i decided to do creative writing. it's something people always encourage me with, cause apparently, i can't write well. and i like it.
so, that was said and done.
and then, my epiphany came. i want to teach! i was so excited. until my roomie who is a grad student in the MAT program started talking about all the requirements. i started to freak out. ok, so i'll just, just to have add another semester here, or do some summer school, but i can get it done! even when faced with the realities of MAT and teaching my roomie was informing me of, i still felt very sure that i had to just go for it.
until friday. i met with one of the MAT advisors. and thus, i am no longer sure if MAT is for me. she told me of my the requirements. for me to be a high school english teacher, i would have to take several, several classes that i wasn't going to take. it's almost like adding on another concentration to my english major, thus double majoring. plus i have a double minor already in process, which the advisor was not to excited to hear. adding all of this together, i should be out of CNU at age 27.
so what do i do? drop creative writing?
i really, really don't want to that. plus creative writing really only requires 5 classes plus any other upper level english classes that go in. but just imagine- i would have to take a really intense fiction writing class and some grammar class (that would drive me mad) and a 30 hour classroom lab all at once, plus two other classes.
i really have to consider something. the MAT program only covers two types of traditional education. K-6 and 6-12. am i absolutely positive i want to teach high school or middle school?? i have no clue if i want to teach either, i just know i want to teach, and MAT is the fastest way to guarantee me a job. but this program is sooo...anally retentive. there is so much red tape, and so much that goes with getting into the program. plus, the public school system from what i hear and have experienced is, too, anally retentive. i just, won't be able to stand it. I am way too type B. If i teach, i want to teach kids things that i care about and they do or will probably care about. i don't want to worry about outside pressure of achievement scores in testing, like SOL. i hate the SOLs. hate. hate. hate. cause i really feel like they ruined my secondary education. most of my teachers were so geared for teaching for the SOLs, they didn't do anything else. it sucked.
so, do i really want to be a teacher for the state of Virginia? not really, i think. but it just feels like the most realistic thing for a job for me after school. haha. i know it's funny. janelle thinking realistically. but you what? all the dreams i've had for after college, they demand money. going to film school, going to italy, doing mission work in third world countries, moving to Portland, even just working for a church (cause God knows ministers don't make a lotta money. My IV staff workers have to fund raise their money). i have no money. and i'm realizing that my parents don't have limitless resources for me to draw from. i'm realizing i'm lucky enough being put through school. all my idealistic dreams can't be met without money. funny, cause i hate money. i hate 9-5 office jobs. i hate doing the same mundane tasks for hours on end. i hate high pressure jobs. where people are always waiting on you to get them stuff. and the line never ends. i'm just not cut out for an average job.
but one reason why i don't want to be a virginia public school teacher right away, is that i feel the next few years after college will be the only time i have to pursue my dreams. think about it. someday i'll meet the man i want to marry. this man, if i get that lucky, will ask me to marry him. then we'll SETTLE DOWN. i hate that. i hate those words. it implies so much. husband will go and be a breadwinner. so we can have a big house for our kids, who i would have to most likely stay home with, if i want them to turn out alright. i'll never see my husband, cause he'll be too busy trying to provide stuff for us. and my life will be in constant control of my kids. i wouldn't be able just to go on a random trip or go live in africa whenever i feel like it. i'll have lives to be responsible for. we'll live in some boring house, in a boring neighborhood, that looks like every house and every neighborhood in America. all my friends will be doing the same thing. and we'll get together to talk about stupid, American dream-oriented things. and i'll become a rigid conservative, cause all i'll care about is my own security.
and it'll be all because money will keep us there. keep us away from pursuing dreams else where. keep us away from people who are in need. keep us away from any unpredictability and excitement. even if the guy i marry has the same dreams as i, we'd still not have the money.
teaching seems to be the only way, but traditional, i just can't do.
an afterthought
of course this freak out is natural. it's part of my flesh.
but i'm called beyond that.
and people always remind me. sherwin told me to read this after reading this post.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally brothers and sisters,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable
- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -
think about such things.
Whatever you have learned or recieved, or heard from, or seen in me - put it into practice.
And the God of peace will be with you.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
For play pitch, see entry below
I’m back to the personal stuff.
Lately, I’ve been feeling weird about guys. Cause usually, I have some guy friends who I am pretty tight with. More recently though, I don’t feel “tight” with anyone and that really, kinda bothers me. I am becoming really, really comfortable being single, and I don’t find myself really looking for a boyfriend. I just want guy friends. So benificial to have. I feel like part of me is missing without the role of platonic friends.
It’s not like I don’t have any guy friends, I just feel myself drifting apart from all of them. And I don’t like that. Especially with my Christian friends. I feel like they are always seen on two extremes: as womanizers or asexuals. Now, I know that most of my friends don’t fall on either of these, but they try so hard not to be one of them, that they’ll end up seeming to be another, or just really really big awkwardness will ensue.
My guy friends who are hooked or have been recently hooked up are a different story. I am not an imposing threat on them, but then again I am, cause their girlfriend needs to be the one girl they invest all their energy in. True? In a way, yes.
I feel like some guys are scared that if we get too close, I’ll get a crush on them (or they’ll get a crush on me), but that’s dumb. Why do people have to see everyone of the opposite gender as an option? I look around me, and like, 95% of the guys at CNU will never ever be options. And on my part, it’s not like I’m a model-like, flirty vixen, out to prey on any unassuming victim. I’m a stout, funny/awkward, low-maintenance chick who’d rather just have guys around more to shoot cut-down jokes at, talk about nerdy topics, philosophize, play poker, smoke a black, and once in awhile get an inside perspective on stuff. I have not played poker, or any other dude games at all this year. I feel so guy friend deprived, that it’s contributing to my introverted awkwardness I’ve felt around people lately.
At home, I really only hang out with guys when I do decide to socialize. This summer in Portland, some of my closest friends were guys and I did not feel a bit attracted to any of them (so great!), I grew up with boys. I need them to function as who the true Janelle really is.
I ate lunch with some guys today. It was weird. Cause of awkward conversation. And especially since one of them and I used to talk to a lot, in a completely buddy-like, not romantic manner. But we had really good conversations coming from two different perspectives. And I really liked that. I could also talk to him about things that we both really liked. It’s hard to find guy friends who share the same interests. Nowadays, since I hardly see him, I can’t have any buddy talks with him. Trying to conversate with him now is awkward cause it’s so few and far between. I miss hanging out with him, but I every time I try to initiate that, he just seems to avoid me.
It feels like everyone is avoiding me. And I do it too. I fear guys who appear to be coming on too strong, and I put up a guard. WE SHOULDN’T BE DOING THIS.
I hope this blog will get me my guy friends back.
I’m back to the personal stuff.
Lately, I’ve been feeling weird about guys. Cause usually, I have some guy friends who I am pretty tight with. More recently though, I don’t feel “tight” with anyone and that really, kinda bothers me. I am becoming really, really comfortable being single, and I don’t find myself really looking for a boyfriend. I just want guy friends. So benificial to have. I feel like part of me is missing without the role of platonic friends.
It’s not like I don’t have any guy friends, I just feel myself drifting apart from all of them. And I don’t like that. Especially with my Christian friends. I feel like they are always seen on two extremes: as womanizers or asexuals. Now, I know that most of my friends don’t fall on either of these, but they try so hard not to be one of them, that they’ll end up seeming to be another, or just really really big awkwardness will ensue.
My guy friends who are hooked or have been recently hooked up are a different story. I am not an imposing threat on them, but then again I am, cause their girlfriend needs to be the one girl they invest all their energy in. True? In a way, yes.
I feel like some guys are scared that if we get too close, I’ll get a crush on them (or they’ll get a crush on me), but that’s dumb. Why do people have to see everyone of the opposite gender as an option? I look around me, and like, 95% of the guys at CNU will never ever be options. And on my part, it’s not like I’m a model-like, flirty vixen, out to prey on any unassuming victim. I’m a stout, funny/awkward, low-maintenance chick who’d rather just have guys around more to shoot cut-down jokes at, talk about nerdy topics, philosophize, play poker, smoke a black, and once in awhile get an inside perspective on stuff. I have not played poker, or any other dude games at all this year. I feel so guy friend deprived, that it’s contributing to my introverted awkwardness I’ve felt around people lately.
At home, I really only hang out with guys when I do decide to socialize. This summer in Portland, some of my closest friends were guys and I did not feel a bit attracted to any of them (so great!), I grew up with boys. I need them to function as who the true Janelle really is.
I ate lunch with some guys today. It was weird. Cause of awkward conversation. And especially since one of them and I used to talk to a lot, in a completely buddy-like, not romantic manner. But we had really good conversations coming from two different perspectives. And I really liked that. I could also talk to him about things that we both really liked. It’s hard to find guy friends who share the same interests. Nowadays, since I hardly see him, I can’t have any buddy talks with him. Trying to conversate with him now is awkward cause it’s so few and far between. I miss hanging out with him, but I every time I try to initiate that, he just seems to avoid me.
It feels like everyone is avoiding me. And I do it too. I fear guys who appear to be coming on too strong, and I put up a guard. WE SHOULDN’T BE DOING THIS.
I hope this blog will get me my guy friends back.
Monday, October 16, 2006
I am taking playwriting seminar this semester. For this class I must write a 10-minute one-act, oh what you call it, play.
Tonight was the night to pitch ideas. In a perfect world. I found myself aggravated by continual prolonging of the idea session, of which we were each supposed to pitch 2 ideas tonight. Only half the class ended up pitching 1.
My point? (which is not the annoyance)
I actually very badly wanted to pitch one of my ideas tonight. So much that I was practically falling out of my chair, anticipating my turn to run my thoughts. This is not because I think I have some genius idea, and that it is the best one ever. It's because I have an idea for a play that might be mediocre, but I'm burning to write, and I wanted feedback. I wanted ideas to how this could be staged. And I wanted to know if this could even work.
And I went home with nothing.
And so. If you would be so nice, I will propose my pitch right now to whoever might read this blog. All 3 of you (but that's better than non).
working title- Drink Your Coffee, It’ll all be OK.
This will probably end up being a satire, with some black comedy and some absurdism rooted in it.
Broad Stroke (theme):
Apathy is one of the biggest diseases of this generation. The only way to break out of this apathy and truly live is to die to your old life.
Stasis:
Normal, comfortable college campus, named Freedom University, slightly isolated from everywhere else, in a bubble. Angela is a student there, privileged and wealthy, and deeply in love with her boyfriend, she wants to marry. Her world is in perfect oblivion. Nothing bad can happen.
Intrusion:
Angela starts to notice that people are falling down, dying. And no one is doing anything about it, except when the bodies get removed. Not many around her notices these bodies. And when they do, they just go on with their lives.
Fight: Angela must overcome her fear of people andself-consciousness of her lisp to get people to understand what’s happening and do something about it. Her boyfriend acts as a barrier to this, as he has always served to protect her and give her confidence.
It isn’t until poor students get kicked out of housing that anyone decides to start fighting the administration, who is behind these deaths. Angela tries to figure out what she can actively do, but gets even more confused when her boyfriend starts urging her to marry him. He wants to protect her to get away from the messy life of the now flawed campus, but she wants to stay and help out.
Angela finds out that if she gives away everything she has and gets the other wealthy students to share, they can stop the death and poverty. Even when she reaches this realization, she sees that more than money must be given, and she doesn't know what.
Crisis
She has to decide though to give away everything or to leave and marry her boyfriend, and live a comfortable American dream.
So that's it.
The major issue this play is addressing is the human rights crimes made around the world that we are daily ignorant to in our sheltered culture. The genocide/plague that persists will be made to parallel the events occurring in Sudan. The satire will hopefully encourage people to think about their living situations, how lucky we really are, and think about giving away their hearts, their lives to help people who are suffering and promote a movement against apathy in American youth/young adult culture.
I have a general idea here. And I think this is unique and interesting to see on stage, but I'm not sure how to flesh it out for the stage. So any suggestions would be wonderful.
Thank you.
Tonight was the night to pitch ideas. In a perfect world. I found myself aggravated by continual prolonging of the idea session, of which we were each supposed to pitch 2 ideas tonight. Only half the class ended up pitching 1.
My point? (which is not the annoyance)
I actually very badly wanted to pitch one of my ideas tonight. So much that I was practically falling out of my chair, anticipating my turn to run my thoughts. This is not because I think I have some genius idea, and that it is the best one ever. It's because I have an idea for a play that might be mediocre, but I'm burning to write, and I wanted feedback. I wanted ideas to how this could be staged. And I wanted to know if this could even work.
And I went home with nothing.
And so. If you would be so nice, I will propose my pitch right now to whoever might read this blog. All 3 of you (but that's better than non).
working title- Drink Your Coffee, It’ll all be OK.
This will probably end up being a satire, with some black comedy and some absurdism rooted in it.
Broad Stroke (theme):
Apathy is one of the biggest diseases of this generation. The only way to break out of this apathy and truly live is to die to your old life.
Stasis:
Normal, comfortable college campus, named Freedom University, slightly isolated from everywhere else, in a bubble. Angela is a student there, privileged and wealthy, and deeply in love with her boyfriend, she wants to marry. Her world is in perfect oblivion. Nothing bad can happen.
Intrusion:
Angela starts to notice that people are falling down, dying. And no one is doing anything about it, except when the bodies get removed. Not many around her notices these bodies. And when they do, they just go on with their lives.
Fight: Angela must overcome her fear of people andself-consciousness of her lisp to get people to understand what’s happening and do something about it. Her boyfriend acts as a barrier to this, as he has always served to protect her and give her confidence.
It isn’t until poor students get kicked out of housing that anyone decides to start fighting the administration, who is behind these deaths. Angela tries to figure out what she can actively do, but gets even more confused when her boyfriend starts urging her to marry him. He wants to protect her to get away from the messy life of the now flawed campus, but she wants to stay and help out.
Angela finds out that if she gives away everything she has and gets the other wealthy students to share, they can stop the death and poverty. Even when she reaches this realization, she sees that more than money must be given, and she doesn't know what.
Crisis
She has to decide though to give away everything or to leave and marry her boyfriend, and live a comfortable American dream.
So that's it.
The major issue this play is addressing is the human rights crimes made around the world that we are daily ignorant to in our sheltered culture. The genocide/plague that persists will be made to parallel the events occurring in Sudan. The satire will hopefully encourage people to think about their living situations, how lucky we really are, and think about giving away their hearts, their lives to help people who are suffering and promote a movement against apathy in American youth/young adult culture.
I have a general idea here. And I think this is unique and interesting to see on stage, but I'm not sure how to flesh it out for the stage. So any suggestions would be wonderful.
Thank you.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
i've meant to post these poems up on here since i wrote them a couple weeks ago, while I was too distracted by myself to pay attention at IV and CNU Tonight practice. as i typed them, i did make minor changes, but, they're not very good. sometimes it's just therapeutic to release your true feelings through shitty poetry.
knowing
I look around me
all I see is familiar,
here in this room.
A few I don't know
and I feel confidence
the majority I do know.
but wait?
why do I have confidence
in knowing them?
I step outside here
and I know few
too few
outside these walls
of people singing
shiny faces
and with all my knowing
i feel so alone
this place
is it my hiding place?
a place to trick people
that I know
what it is to be alive?
here and there
I'm here.
I promise.
What,
just because there's no
cheery smile and
hearty hello,
I'm upset?
I'm disturbed?
Doomed?
Yeah,
I'm here.
Not myself,
but not bad..
just present, I guess.
Watch my eyes as they shine
briefly
then glance away in disinterest;
cause right now
I'd rather be still
and just breathe.
So,
I am here
and you are there,
where you can stay.
words. words. words.
words flow from my lips.
silly words. awkward.
I-I try to correct myself.
Try to make it right.
What need?
In my mind,
will I ever be right?
words roll off my tongue.
silly words make
awkward conversation
Don't know what I'm sayinh.
or if this person
really matters.
and,
does he care
how awkward I am?
words pour out of me.
and i can't help myself.
silly. awkward. obscure.
I say what I think;
when I don't,
the words stumble
and ceases to continue.
That is when
I feel the most awkward.
Methods
I turn up the volume
as high as the morning'll alow
even muster up a dance
as i change into my green dress.
I set the coffee pot on --
top priority.
My! how deliciously potent it'll be!
the aroma itself
awakens and excites.
I instant message,
as my friends and I
exchange wits.
the coffee is ready--
here I come!
dash of creamer,
dash of cinnamon
and it's there.
I sit down. just sit
sipping the hot liquid
filling my mouth
and empty stomach.
Disappointed by
its lack of expected potency,
I laugh to myself,
"Yeahhhh, I'll need this
again in a few hours!"
Then get up, make away
back to the computer,
where my life is awaiting.
what a life.
knowing
I look around me
all I see is familiar,
here in this room.
A few I don't know
and I feel confidence
the majority I do know.
but wait?
why do I have confidence
in knowing them?
I step outside here
and I know few
too few
outside these walls
of people singing
shiny faces
and with all my knowing
i feel so alone
this place
is it my hiding place?
a place to trick people
that I know
what it is to be alive?
here and there
I'm here.
I promise.
What,
just because there's no
cheery smile and
hearty hello,
I'm upset?
I'm disturbed?
Doomed?
Yeah,
I'm here.
Not myself,
but not bad..
just present, I guess.
Watch my eyes as they shine
briefly
then glance away in disinterest;
cause right now
I'd rather be still
and just breathe.
So,
I am here
and you are there,
where you can stay.
words. words. words.
words flow from my lips.
silly words. awkward.
I-I try to correct myself.
Try to make it right.
What need?
In my mind,
will I ever be right?
words roll off my tongue.
silly words make
awkward conversation
Don't know what I'm sayinh.
or if this person
really matters.
and,
does he care
how awkward I am?
words pour out of me.
and i can't help myself.
silly. awkward. obscure.
I say what I think;
when I don't,
the words stumble
and ceases to continue.
That is when
I feel the most awkward.
Methods
I turn up the volume
as high as the morning'll alow
even muster up a dance
as i change into my green dress.
I set the coffee pot on --
top priority.
My! how deliciously potent it'll be!
the aroma itself
awakens and excites.
I instant message,
as my friends and I
exchange wits.
the coffee is ready--
here I come!
dash of creamer,
dash of cinnamon
and it's there.
I sit down. just sit
sipping the hot liquid
filling my mouth
and empty stomach.
Disappointed by
its lack of expected potency,
I laugh to myself,
"Yeahhhh, I'll need this
again in a few hours!"
Then get up, make away
back to the computer,
where my life is awaiting.
what a life.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
home, sweet home.
i guess it's nice to take a break away from the college world, but everytime i go home, suburbia effects me either harder. here are things i do everytime i go back home.
1) watch tv.
i never ever watch tv at school. i refuse to. in fact, all we have at my house is basic cable and i like it that way. but then there's home. we have like 3 enormous TVs. complete with surround sound, TiVo, HD and all the sports channels known to man. well at least one of televisions has all those components. and the TV is always on. i got yelled at for turning the stereo to the TV off earlier. apparently, it hurts the system. so when the tv goes off, it actually isn't off, the screen is off, and the stereo is turned down lower. what a waste of energy is what i think to myself. but i always have to respect that these things are not mine so I do not have control over them. anyhoo. i watch a heck of a lot of TV when I am home. and it's mostly out of consent to things I hate, just to be with my family. Like today, I watched the Bachelor in Rome on Tivo with my mom. That show represents why I hate tv. Also, my mom likes to watch shows about houses. Whether it's decorating a house, or just looking at houses. usually, the bigger, the better. i don't have anything against house dwelling, i just think it shows how sadly devoted our culture is to the American Dream to have shows about people house hunting in suburbia.
what i do like on TV, when I watch it, are things that entertain or inform. If they do both, that's even better. When I'm home, I like to watch Degrassi. The show is terribly melodramatic, shows kids in unrealistic situations, but I like it cause I can laugh at its ridiculousness. It's so bad, it's good. I just watched a whole episode of the Office today. I didn't get any plot out of it, but I loved it! It just satires office life so well!! Finally something that is humorous makes its way back on the tube. I have not gotten into Lost or Grey's Anatomy, and I don't think I ever will, honestly, although I am glad that scripted drama that is not the OC has made its way back on TV. And I like to watch the History channel. It contains a wealth of obscure information. Amazing. I check channels like Comedy Central, TBS, Fox Family, for any silly movies to watch. If I wanna watch anything good, I check AMC, Bravo, or any of the classic movie channels.
ok, number 1 was much longer than i anticipated.
2) eat a lot of food.
I wasn't expecting this, this time cause I just went vegetarian this summer. However, yesterday, my parents concocted a vegetarian feast in honor of my homecoming. Eggplant parmesan, veggie pizza, rotini, salad. OMG, so good. Also, if I happen to see friends, I can guaratee you it'll over food. Northern Virginians sure do eat out a lot. Whenever we get together, we get together to consume. I don't know if I'll be doing much of this, this weekend, but I did go to an Indian buffet today with Adam, Scott, and their friend Jessica. Typically the places to go are IHOP, Tony's or some other place with greasy food. There is always a visit to Coldstone with one of my old female comrades.
3) smoke at starbucks.
i haven't done it yet this weekend, and i don't know if i will, but i end up doing this at least once, each time I'm in nova. Starbucks is literally the only place in town aside from greasy restaurants youngsters will hang out at. many people don't just drink coffee there. They sit until past close, chain smoking and talking about mainly pretty dumb stuff. A couple of my friends partake in this culture, so when I wanna hang out with them, I do it too. However, everytime I go, I run into asses who I butt heads with. I think a lot of the youngsters there are just extremely bitter cause they haven't gotten out of Manahole yet.
4) get into friendly arguments with my dad about politics. these can be triggered by just about any topic.
5) drink wine and smoke a cigar with my dad on the porch
6) fight for the TV to be turned off so I can read
7) go to churches I really don't like just so I can see old friends
8) drive a car, though not for very long.
i used to drive around much more in my NOVA visits, but when my brother Mark moved out, he took the car I would drive. My parents get pretty anal when it comes to me driving their cars, and since last summer, my driving has been reduced to non.
9) get asked about my weight
EVERYTIME I come home. it's either, "oh, you lost weight". or, "oh do you think you gained or lost weight?"(which means I gained)
this comes from everyone in my family, especially my mom.
10) sleep with my dog
this is one of the better things about my stays at home
11) take random pictures of myself for facebook or myspace
i tend to do this only when I'm home. sometimes i even get made up to do it.
12) see at least one old friend I get in an awkward conversation with
13) stay at home, mainly being anti-social
14) watch a lot of movies
15) complain about Manassas
i guess it's nice to take a break away from the college world, but everytime i go home, suburbia effects me either harder. here are things i do everytime i go back home.
1) watch tv.
i never ever watch tv at school. i refuse to. in fact, all we have at my house is basic cable and i like it that way. but then there's home. we have like 3 enormous TVs. complete with surround sound, TiVo, HD and all the sports channels known to man. well at least one of televisions has all those components. and the TV is always on. i got yelled at for turning the stereo to the TV off earlier. apparently, it hurts the system. so when the tv goes off, it actually isn't off, the screen is off, and the stereo is turned down lower. what a waste of energy is what i think to myself. but i always have to respect that these things are not mine so I do not have control over them. anyhoo. i watch a heck of a lot of TV when I am home. and it's mostly out of consent to things I hate, just to be with my family. Like today, I watched the Bachelor in Rome on Tivo with my mom. That show represents why I hate tv. Also, my mom likes to watch shows about houses. Whether it's decorating a house, or just looking at houses. usually, the bigger, the better. i don't have anything against house dwelling, i just think it shows how sadly devoted our culture is to the American Dream to have shows about people house hunting in suburbia.
what i do like on TV, when I watch it, are things that entertain or inform. If they do both, that's even better. When I'm home, I like to watch Degrassi. The show is terribly melodramatic, shows kids in unrealistic situations, but I like it cause I can laugh at its ridiculousness. It's so bad, it's good. I just watched a whole episode of the Office today. I didn't get any plot out of it, but I loved it! It just satires office life so well!! Finally something that is humorous makes its way back on the tube. I have not gotten into Lost or Grey's Anatomy, and I don't think I ever will, honestly, although I am glad that scripted drama that is not the OC has made its way back on TV. And I like to watch the History channel. It contains a wealth of obscure information. Amazing. I check channels like Comedy Central, TBS, Fox Family, for any silly movies to watch. If I wanna watch anything good, I check AMC, Bravo, or any of the classic movie channels.
ok, number 1 was much longer than i anticipated.
2) eat a lot of food.
I wasn't expecting this, this time cause I just went vegetarian this summer. However, yesterday, my parents concocted a vegetarian feast in honor of my homecoming. Eggplant parmesan, veggie pizza, rotini, salad. OMG, so good. Also, if I happen to see friends, I can guaratee you it'll over food. Northern Virginians sure do eat out a lot. Whenever we get together, we get together to consume. I don't know if I'll be doing much of this, this weekend, but I did go to an Indian buffet today with Adam, Scott, and their friend Jessica. Typically the places to go are IHOP, Tony's or some other place with greasy food. There is always a visit to Coldstone with one of my old female comrades.
3) smoke at starbucks.
i haven't done it yet this weekend, and i don't know if i will, but i end up doing this at least once, each time I'm in nova. Starbucks is literally the only place in town aside from greasy restaurants youngsters will hang out at. many people don't just drink coffee there. They sit until past close, chain smoking and talking about mainly pretty dumb stuff. A couple of my friends partake in this culture, so when I wanna hang out with them, I do it too. However, everytime I go, I run into asses who I butt heads with. I think a lot of the youngsters there are just extremely bitter cause they haven't gotten out of Manahole yet.
4) get into friendly arguments with my dad about politics. these can be triggered by just about any topic.
5) drink wine and smoke a cigar with my dad on the porch
6) fight for the TV to be turned off so I can read
7) go to churches I really don't like just so I can see old friends
8) drive a car, though not for very long.
i used to drive around much more in my NOVA visits, but when my brother Mark moved out, he took the car I would drive. My parents get pretty anal when it comes to me driving their cars, and since last summer, my driving has been reduced to non.
9) get asked about my weight
EVERYTIME I come home. it's either, "oh, you lost weight". or, "oh do you think you gained or lost weight?"(which means I gained)
this comes from everyone in my family, especially my mom.
10) sleep with my dog
this is one of the better things about my stays at home
11) take random pictures of myself for facebook or myspace
i tend to do this only when I'm home. sometimes i even get made up to do it.
12) see at least one old friend I get in an awkward conversation with
13) stay at home, mainly being anti-social
14) watch a lot of movies
15) complain about Manassas
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
ok, so i was confused. sabbath week is next week. oh well.
i find the E in my ENFP personality type turning into an I. i always on the borderline. something's been changing in me ever since I got back to CNU. i don't have the same drive to be the social butterfly i once was and be bffs with 20 people. i was way too spread out between too many committments and a very wide social circle. i had so many friends that i felt even more disconnected.
and i still feel that way. but lately, the I in me has been acting out against it. i'm just not the same anymore. i sit outside of groups i'm with. last week, at CNU TONiGHT rehearsal, i wrote 4 poems without paying attention to pretty much anyone. at IV large group, I always feel overwhelmed and distracted by the amount of people there. I don't go out of my way anymore to greet every single person i know. last week i just stood against the wall the whole time. i'm not even exagerrating. i talked to people, but fewer, and with more quality rather than quantity. it's starting to get really hard to engage in worship at large group. i just feel suffocated by people. and then there was the IV trip to the beach, which I was looking forward to. i didn't find myself liking sitting around in big groups of people. and every time i've been speaking up lately it's some opinion like knowing where your meat comes off.
i'm coming to absolutely despise everything about small talk. i want to engage in active, meaningful conversation. so my small talk has become opinionated, semi-political banter. or i'd start freaking out about a book i'm reading, or some really obscure story about my day. i absolutely hate small talk and want to avoid it whenever possible.
my walks around campus to and fro things are usually filled with these meaningless conversations. and i usually end up annoying myself with my meaningless perkiness that comes up through these. you know what i'm talking about.
hi, how are you?
great and you?
great!
well, that's great!
ughhhhhhhhh. i saw probably a hundred people i knew today just walking around. and i was not in a rush or anything, but i just didn't feel like addressing any of them. or wearing my shiny happy face. and i didn't. and it felt strangely hostile. but man, i just want to avoid fake conversation.
another part of my I, is my lack of attention whoring. i really don't a damn anymore who pays attention to me and who doesn't. sometimes, being in the spotlight can just be overwhelming. people expect me to be the this little burst of energy...and most of the time, it just isn't me. so i'm not into trying to captivate people's attention anymore by my simple means of ridiculousness. the people who really matter will pay attention to me anyways. i don't need to be a campus celebrity.
and i feel, so, so very exhausted by people. and it's making loose, laid-back janelle into someone who is uptight and wants structure. and i want to be left alone to my thoughts without anyone asking if i'm alright, because i'm fine damnit, i just want some time to "be". i don't think that every moment calls for a conversation.
anyhow, this is how i'm changing into an introvert, an INFP. it's bringing some good and bad things into my life. good that i want closer and fewer friends and more authenticity. bad that i'm growing very dry, wary, exhausted and cynical. so i'm not as perky as a janelle as i was, i still gotta fight for my joy. i can't let those emotions overtake who i am. it's too easy and i'd end up hating people.
i find the E in my ENFP personality type turning into an I. i always on the borderline. something's been changing in me ever since I got back to CNU. i don't have the same drive to be the social butterfly i once was and be bffs with 20 people. i was way too spread out between too many committments and a very wide social circle. i had so many friends that i felt even more disconnected.
and i still feel that way. but lately, the I in me has been acting out against it. i'm just not the same anymore. i sit outside of groups i'm with. last week, at CNU TONiGHT rehearsal, i wrote 4 poems without paying attention to pretty much anyone. at IV large group, I always feel overwhelmed and distracted by the amount of people there. I don't go out of my way anymore to greet every single person i know. last week i just stood against the wall the whole time. i'm not even exagerrating. i talked to people, but fewer, and with more quality rather than quantity. it's starting to get really hard to engage in worship at large group. i just feel suffocated by people. and then there was the IV trip to the beach, which I was looking forward to. i didn't find myself liking sitting around in big groups of people. and every time i've been speaking up lately it's some opinion like knowing where your meat comes off.
i'm coming to absolutely despise everything about small talk. i want to engage in active, meaningful conversation. so my small talk has become opinionated, semi-political banter. or i'd start freaking out about a book i'm reading, or some really obscure story about my day. i absolutely hate small talk and want to avoid it whenever possible.
my walks around campus to and fro things are usually filled with these meaningless conversations. and i usually end up annoying myself with my meaningless perkiness that comes up through these. you know what i'm talking about.
hi, how are you?
great and you?
great!
well, that's great!
ughhhhhhhhh. i saw probably a hundred people i knew today just walking around. and i was not in a rush or anything, but i just didn't feel like addressing any of them. or wearing my shiny happy face. and i didn't. and it felt strangely hostile. but man, i just want to avoid fake conversation.
another part of my I, is my lack of attention whoring. i really don't a damn anymore who pays attention to me and who doesn't. sometimes, being in the spotlight can just be overwhelming. people expect me to be the this little burst of energy...and most of the time, it just isn't me. so i'm not into trying to captivate people's attention anymore by my simple means of ridiculousness. the people who really matter will pay attention to me anyways. i don't need to be a campus celebrity.
and i feel, so, so very exhausted by people. and it's making loose, laid-back janelle into someone who is uptight and wants structure. and i want to be left alone to my thoughts without anyone asking if i'm alright, because i'm fine damnit, i just want some time to "be". i don't think that every moment calls for a conversation.
anyhow, this is how i'm changing into an introvert, an INFP. it's bringing some good and bad things into my life. good that i want closer and fewer friends and more authenticity. bad that i'm growing very dry, wary, exhausted and cynical. so i'm not as perky as a janelle as i was, i still gotta fight for my joy. i can't let those emotions overtake who i am. it's too easy and i'd end up hating people.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
with the wrong attitude, this week could be the week from hell. even though all IV meetings and small groups are cancelled due to our appointed sabbath week. with that i kinda think, "wooo! more time to do my homework in this week of disaster!" but really, I realize I make way too much out of my busyness. when i get busy, i turn into a monster. and i don't really stop, except to do meaningless crap, like check my myspace a thousand times. i need to just stop and be, and be with God. and so that's what I need to do this week.
with that, the CNU TONiGHT show is this week. lots and lots and lots of rehearsal. tonight. tomorrow night. and then tuesday night show. i am overwhelmed by this, considering that this is midterms week. but i just need to keep moving forward and not worry so damn much. and take time to pray and just be.
and i want to whine a lot more, but i'll stop.
with that, the CNU TONiGHT show is this week. lots and lots and lots of rehearsal. tonight. tomorrow night. and then tuesday night show. i am overwhelmed by this, considering that this is midterms week. but i just need to keep moving forward and not worry so damn much. and take time to pray and just be.
and i want to whine a lot more, but i'll stop.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)