ok, so i was confused. sabbath week is next week. oh well.

i find the E in my ENFP personality type turning into an I. i always on the borderline. something's been changing in me ever since I got back to CNU. i don't have the same drive to be the social butterfly i once was and be bffs with 20 people. i was way too spread out between too many committments and a very wide social circle. i had so many friends that i felt even more disconnected.

and i still feel that way. but lately, the I in me has been acting out against it. i'm just not the same anymore. i sit outside of groups i'm with. last week, at CNU TONiGHT rehearsal, i wrote 4 poems without paying attention to pretty much anyone. at IV large group, I always feel overwhelmed and distracted by the amount of people there. I don't go out of my way anymore to greet every single person i know. last week i just stood against the wall the whole time. i'm not even exagerrating. i talked to people, but fewer, and with more quality rather than quantity. it's starting to get really hard to engage in worship at large group. i just feel suffocated by people. and then there was the IV trip to the beach, which I was looking forward to. i didn't find myself liking sitting around in big groups of people. and every time i've been speaking up lately it's some opinion like knowing where your meat comes off.

i'm coming to absolutely despise everything about small talk. i want to engage in active, meaningful conversation. so my small talk has become opinionated, semi-political banter. or i'd start freaking out about a book i'm reading, or some really obscure story about my day. i absolutely hate small talk and want to avoid it whenever possible.

my walks around campus to and fro things are usually filled with these meaningless conversations. and i usually end up annoying myself with my meaningless perkiness that comes up through these. you know what i'm talking about.
hi, how are you?
great and you?
great!
well, that's great!

ughhhhhhhhh. i saw probably a hundred people i knew today just walking around. and i was not in a rush or anything, but i just didn't feel like addressing any of them. or wearing my shiny happy face. and i didn't. and it felt strangely hostile. but man, i just want to avoid fake conversation.

another part of my I, is my lack of attention whoring. i really don't a damn anymore who pays attention to me and who doesn't. sometimes, being in the spotlight can just be overwhelming. people expect me to be the this little burst of energy...and most of the time, it just isn't me. so i'm not into trying to captivate people's attention anymore by my simple means of ridiculousness. the people who really matter will pay attention to me anyways. i don't need to be a campus celebrity.

and i feel, so, so very exhausted by people. and it's making loose, laid-back janelle into someone who is uptight and wants structure. and i want to be left alone to my thoughts without anyone asking if i'm alright, because i'm fine damnit, i just want some time to "be". i don't think that every moment calls for a conversation.

anyhow, this is how i'm changing into an introvert, an INFP. it's bringing some good and bad things into my life. good that i want closer and fewer friends and more authenticity. bad that i'm growing very dry, wary, exhausted and cynical. so i'm not as perky as a janelle as i was, i still gotta fight for my joy. i can't let those emotions overtake who i am. it's too easy and i'd end up hating people.