!!!!mid-college freak-out!!!!

it's reached that point, where i'm starting to feel a certain amount of heftiness. i didn't have much of a plan going into college. my plan originally was to go to cnu 2 years then transfer to film school. obviously, that didn't work out. during that time, i was trying to figure out what to do, cause i still wanted to study film. so i decided to major in theater, with directing and dramatic lit. i figured it'd be a good segue into grad school for film. uh, that turned out to be extremely negative. theater was not what i thought it'd be. and i thought it completely worthless spending all my time on things that had nothing to do with me wanting to be a theater major- like 4 hours of tech work a week! what the crap?! 4 semesters of backstage practicum! that added to all the expectations of my concentration and the stuff that theater students were highly encouraged to do. i wanted to die. and i didn't end that last semester well. I'm not used to seeing C's after putting forth SO much sweat and pain.

after last semester, i had a crisis. did not know what to do. transfer out of cnu? it was too late. i knew my only other option was to be an english major, and for some reason, i was totally opposed to it. but i felt pretty dang good, when i decided to do creative writing. it's something people always encourage me with, cause apparently, i can't write well. and i like it.
so, that was said and done.

and then, my epiphany came. i want to teach! i was so excited. until my roomie who is a grad student in the MAT program started talking about all the requirements. i started to freak out. ok, so i'll just, just to have add another semester here, or do some summer school, but i can get it done! even when faced with the realities of MAT and teaching my roomie was informing me of, i still felt very sure that i had to just go for it.

until friday. i met with one of the MAT advisors. and thus, i am no longer sure if MAT is for me. she told me of my the requirements. for me to be a high school english teacher, i would have to take several, several classes that i wasn't going to take. it's almost like adding on another concentration to my english major, thus double majoring. plus i have a double minor already in process, which the advisor was not to excited to hear. adding all of this together, i should be out of CNU at age 27.

so what do i do? drop creative writing?

i really, really don't want to that. plus creative writing really only requires 5 classes plus any other upper level english classes that go in. but just imagine- i would have to take a really intense fiction writing class and some grammar class (that would drive me mad) and a 30 hour classroom lab all at once, plus two other classes.

i really have to consider something. the MAT program only covers two types of traditional education. K-6 and 6-12. am i absolutely positive i want to teach high school or middle school?? i have no clue if i want to teach either, i just know i want to teach, and MAT is the fastest way to guarantee me a job. but this program is sooo...anally retentive. there is so much red tape, and so much that goes with getting into the program. plus, the public school system from what i hear and have experienced is, too, anally retentive. i just, won't be able to stand it. I am way too type B. If i teach, i want to teach kids things that i care about and they do or will probably care about. i don't want to worry about outside pressure of achievement scores in testing, like SOL. i hate the SOLs. hate. hate. hate. cause i really feel like they ruined my secondary education. most of my teachers were so geared for teaching for the SOLs, they didn't do anything else. it sucked.

so, do i really want to be a teacher for the state of Virginia? not really, i think. but it just feels like the most realistic thing for a job for me after school. haha. i know it's funny. janelle thinking realistically. but you what? all the dreams i've had for after college, they demand money. going to film school, going to italy, doing mission work in third world countries, moving to Portland, even just working for a church (cause God knows ministers don't make a lotta money. My IV staff workers have to fund raise their money). i have no money. and i'm realizing that my parents don't have limitless resources for me to draw from. i'm realizing i'm lucky enough being put through school. all my idealistic dreams can't be met without money. funny, cause i hate money. i hate 9-5 office jobs. i hate doing the same mundane tasks for hours on end. i hate high pressure jobs. where people are always waiting on you to get them stuff. and the line never ends. i'm just not cut out for an average job.

but one reason why i don't want to be a virginia public school teacher right away, is that i feel the next few years after college will be the only time i have to pursue my dreams. think about it. someday i'll meet the man i want to marry. this man, if i get that lucky, will ask me to marry him. then we'll SETTLE DOWN. i hate that. i hate those words. it implies so much. husband will go and be a breadwinner. so we can have a big house for our kids, who i would have to most likely stay home with, if i want them to turn out alright. i'll never see my husband, cause he'll be too busy trying to provide stuff for us. and my life will be in constant control of my kids. i wouldn't be able just to go on a random trip or go live in africa whenever i feel like it. i'll have lives to be responsible for. we'll live in some boring house, in a boring neighborhood, that looks like every house and every neighborhood in America. all my friends will be doing the same thing. and we'll get together to talk about stupid, American dream-oriented things. and i'll become a rigid conservative, cause all i'll care about is my own security.

and it'll be all because money will keep us there. keep us away from pursuing dreams else where. keep us away from people who are in need. keep us away from any unpredictability and excitement. even if the guy i marry has the same dreams as i, we'd still not have the money.

teaching seems to be the only way, but traditional, i just can't do.

an afterthought
of course this freak out is natural. it's part of my flesh.

but i'm called beyond that.

and people always remind me. sherwin told me to read this after reading this post.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers and sisters,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable
- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -
think about such things.

Whatever you have learned or recieved, or heard from, or seen in me - put it into practice.

And the God of peace will be with you.