For play pitch, see entry below

I’m back to the personal stuff.

Lately, I’ve been feeling weird about guys. Cause usually, I have some guy friends who I am pretty tight with. More recently though, I don’t feel “tight” with anyone and that really, kinda bothers me. I am becoming really, really comfortable being single, and I don’t find myself really looking for a boyfriend. I just want guy friends. So benificial to have. I feel like part of me is missing without the role of platonic friends.

It’s not like I don’t have any guy friends, I just feel myself drifting apart from all of them. And I don’t like that. Especially with my Christian friends. I feel like they are always seen on two extremes: as womanizers or asexuals. Now, I know that most of my friends don’t fall on either of these, but they try so hard not to be one of them, that they’ll end up seeming to be another, or just really really big awkwardness will ensue.

My guy friends who are hooked or have been recently hooked up are a different story. I am not an imposing threat on them, but then again I am, cause their girlfriend needs to be the one girl they invest all their energy in. True? In a way, yes.

I feel like some guys are scared that if we get too close, I’ll get a crush on them (or they’ll get a crush on me), but that’s dumb. Why do people have to see everyone of the opposite gender as an option? I look around me, and like, 95% of the guys at CNU will never ever be options. And on my part, it’s not like I’m a model-like, flirty vixen, out to prey on any unassuming victim. I’m a stout, funny/awkward, low-maintenance chick who’d rather just have guys around more to shoot cut-down jokes at, talk about nerdy topics, philosophize, play poker, smoke a black, and once in awhile get an inside perspective on stuff. I have not played poker, or any other dude games at all this year. I feel so guy friend deprived, that it’s contributing to my introverted awkwardness I’ve felt around people lately.

At home, I really only hang out with guys when I do decide to socialize. This summer in Portland, some of my closest friends were guys and I did not feel a bit attracted to any of them (so great!), I grew up with boys. I need them to function as who the true Janelle really is.

I ate lunch with some guys today. It was weird. Cause of awkward conversation. And especially since one of them and I used to talk to a lot, in a completely buddy-like, not romantic manner. But we had really good conversations coming from two different perspectives. And I really liked that. I could also talk to him about things that we both really liked. It’s hard to find guy friends who share the same interests. Nowadays, since I hardly see him, I can’t have any buddy talks with him. Trying to conversate with him now is awkward cause it’s so few and far between. I miss hanging out with him, but I every time I try to initiate that, he just seems to avoid me.

It feels like everyone is avoiding me. And I do it too. I fear guys who appear to be coming on too strong, and I put up a guard. WE SHOULDN’T BE DOING THIS.
I hope this blog will get me my guy friends back.