a spiritual being

Or more often I feel like a dead being. My friend Laura and I were talking about the importance of time spent with God on Tuesday, and I realized that quite too often I'm in a state of blah. I don't necessarily feel bad about anything but I just feel apathetic or overly anxious for no apparent reason. I tell people, "nah I'm good, just out of it."

One friend asked me, "well, what do you mean by that?'

I didn't have an answer for her. I couldn't tell her why I was "out of it". Why I had felt anxious or apathetic all weekend. I didn't know. I blamed it on being around too many people ( I can tend to be introverted, so I get drained from being around people constantly) But it was apparent to me, that is was more than just meyers-briggs.


And then I thought to myself as I was hearing Laura talk about her quiet times, "when was the last time I spent with God? Just me and him?"

(Besides listening to a sermon alone in my house on Friday night), it was over a week ago. I had an entire week where there was no time devoted to personal prayer or scripture.

I had been insanely busy. I had CNU TONiGHT rehearsals and papers to turn in. I had obligations to people. (But the time not being busy, I spent in total idleness, typically on facebook).

All this time was lost. And I walked to lunch today wondering where it went. Wondering if I had spent this semester in a fatal, soul-killing routine. Sure, I would get out and go on bike rides and have refreshing times at the Lion's Bridge. But my normal, everyday routine- was just too routine and was getting the better half of me.

I want a new routine. I'm tired of this dead one. I need renewal like mad right now. I don't feel like a spiritual being at all. I need to be shaken to wake up. If someone would like to rattle me around, I wouldn't mind.

I want to desire time spent with the Lord. Please pray with me that I will get this time.

But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesusfrom the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. So if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:10-17

Do you ever see the missing pieces of life fitting together like a puzzle?

Or you experience something and you wonder "What was that about?"

It's been that kind of week.

Amidst all the busyness, some crazy (or more subtley important) things are happening.

And it reminds me that God has a plan.

And I am walking in the palm of his hand.


"God, what does this all mean?" I keep asking. (When I do ask, lately I've so caught in my busy life, I give myself so little time to stop and reflect).

Everything works together. Just one slight re-adjustment of my routine changes the outcome of a day (is this predestination or free will, I won't get into. But I know what I believe).

Forrest Gump surprisingly sums it up pretty well:
"I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."

I believe in calling, destiny, predestination, whatever you call it. But it is intermingled with the choices we make out of free will (but if God is sovereign how much is that up to us? I don't know.)


Meanwhile, I just rest in knowing that I am just a mere vessel in a greater plan for humankind.

I have not resonated with an article (in a long time) as much as I just had with this one, a few moments ago:

http://www.intervarsity.org/slj/article/4143

I never heard the term grace-earner before I read this. But that sums me up a little too quickly. Plagued by guilt, I try to lean on works to live a more holy lifestyle (this was just reflected on in my previous blog post).

Yet, God does not require just obligatory works.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2: 7-10

Too often, people cut one part of this out. They either snip away grace or works. But it's BOTH. We need both. But works flows out of knowing God and having passively recieved his gift of grace. We are God's workmanship!! We are the work of God, we're not bringing forth the work of God by ourselves. I sometimes feel guilty because I have not been very works-oriented lately. HOWEVER, I can take rest that God has already prepared something for me to do. He's walking ahead and will come back grip the palm of my hand to take me there!

Calling and Holy Discontent

This topic has become all too redundant.

I wish someone could just point to what I'm supposed to go do after I graduate.

There are so many options out there. But there are too many. Searches become tired and futile.

I want it to find me. I don't want to worry my head off about finding it.

I want to do ministry. Well, there are many, many ministry oppurtunities out there. So many. My problem is not even being able to find them. I cannot discern what I should do.

The problem is:
I no longer know exactly what my "holy discontent" is.

Holy discontent is a problem you hate living with. You are passionate about seeing it changed. You will not stand for it to be left neglected. You cannot passively interact with it. It's your passion. It's your purpose, what Christ has called you to do in his Church.

Holy discontent is not static, it can be changing.

I'm discontented by a whole lot of things. I have little passions spread out everywhere, but no BIG passion. I want that passion though. I need it.
I wish someone would tell me what it is.

My holy discontent has been ever changing. Last year it was social injustice and poverty, and even though I am still outraged by the two, my personal passion has wavered. Why? My motivations for this discontent. I was motivated by the guilt of being a middle-class white person who is among the richest in the world. I felt a revolting guilt that sickened me when I thought about how much I had. But then I went to Kenya, and at the Missionaries of Charity, God showed me that I wasn't there out of love. I was there out of guilt.

So this is my current-shaping-subject- to- interpret- later-highly ambiguous holy discontent:
I don't want to perform works for the wrong reason. I want to love people. I want to listen to them. And actually be there with them. Walk alongside people.

But first I have to love God and love myself. And that's what I'm working on. And it seems selfish. I don't want to be so me-focused that I ignore other peoples' spiritual needs, but I want to fill up on God so his love can pour out on others.

I would love to be impassioned about social injustice again and really strive to make a difference in someone's life. And really make true and honest cross-cultural relationships. But I don't want to do it for my own glory. I don't want a passion for social justice to project self-righteousness on everyone else.

I alienated a lot of people last year. My family. Some friends. People who are not my friends. Because I was legalistic, self-righteous and angered.

But no, right now I need to love. And that is my holy discontent. And as to my calling, how does this become concrete? There are many, many ways to love. I don't know how God will use me. I don't know how he is calling me to love people. There are so many different things I can do.

And even though I want to go to seminary, that doesn't seem like the complete answer.
I don't know what the complete answer is, and I guess I need to rest in not knowing.

Tony, one of my Kenya GP buddies recently sent me an encouraging facebook message:

"i read your last email about trying to figure out life after undergrad...well, i got news for you - it doesn't get any easier after you graduate from college. so, the process is really the most important thing - how you go about asking the Lord for direction and guidance. my professor in chapel just shared his thoughts on this the other day - some things I remember him saying were - hold to God's sovereignty - and remember that God is more interested in you finding your calling than even you are - all to the praise of His glory."

I needed to hear that. Thanks, man.The good thing is that we're always becoming. This problem I have now I will still have in 20 years. How is this good? Because I will always need to lean completely on God for my direction and my purpose. Jesus commands my destiny. Bwana Asifiwe.

Idea Time!!

For fiction writing, I decided to do a re-telling of the story of Hosea and Gomer. quick, inadequate overview: God commanded Hosea to marry a prostitute and have children of her, and when she would run off with other lovers to not divorce her, but to lure her back to himself. This reflected God's relationship with Israel. She ran off, many many times.

some thoughts

It'd likely be from Gomer's POV. I want to go into her history and he thoughts and motivations for going after other lovers.

I want it to be told from a modern day perspective. So therefore, some details will need to change.

Gomer's fear of intimacy and her journey from fear and lonliness to genuine belonging and being loved.

Anyone who is familiar with the book of Hosea have any thoughts?

Last night at InterVarsity large group, during worship, I was led to this verse:

Arise, shine, for your light has come
and the glory of the LORD has risen upon you.
For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth,
and thick darkness the peoples;
but the LORD will arise upon you,
and his glory will be seen upon you.
And nations shall come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your rising.
- Isaiah 60:1-3 (esv)

As I read this, tears swelled up in my eyes. I've been struggling seriously with depression and anxiety lately. This has actually gone on for a long time, but it was put under closer magnification since I've gotten back to Kenya. Darkness had shrouded over my life and everything seemed at a total loss. I experienced a genuine lifting of this darkness a few weeks ago, but that doesn't mean it doesn't creep back up on me when I'm least likely to notice. But there is a present glory. It causes me to stand up and rise. Even though at one instant, my flesh rebels against this glory, the next it fills my heart, overflowing that I cannot help but pour it out on others. The LORD does lead us into times of struggle, even times of great depression (as the speaker at IV noted last night), but he also leads us out. These times in the desert make us more vulnerable, more in need of his glory to shine down on us. Think about the desert and how isolated it is. How open it is. How desolate yet how intimate when you come in from a place of deep faith.

I don't often notice other people. I don't often pray for the community even though I have a burning desire to be part of genuine community. Yet this verse led me to pray for everyone in the room. Everyone hurts so much. Everyone is experiencing some kind of despair in their life at one time or another. Yet, we bottle up and don't let it out. We hide it from others for several reasons. I do it because I feel like a downer or a burden to other people when I talk. Yet, that's not what we should do. It only represses the pain until it gets bigger and overpowering. We need to talk to each other. We need to be intentional. We need to be open. We need to encourage one another. And help each other shine. The Lord does it, but he often uses us as his vessels.

I always write in here when I have something due hanging over my head. Right now, I should be writing (revising) some fantastic fiction scenes, but I'm more than just a little tired.

I want to address a very weak part of my spirituality:

Being.

Resting in God's arms.


When people talk about cuddling up with Jesus, I kinda want to barf. I'm not very affectionate by nature and this is probably why. However, lately I've been experiencing God more than cognitively.


He is wooing me.

Yes!!

I feel like God is taking me where I am and breathing some lifeforce back into my being. He's bringing me to a place where I don't just desire to study him I desire to be with him.

But, I still fall into the same routine sometimes.

I researched post-grad options for almost 3 hours Tuesday night. It was completely fruitless, though it did confirm some things I will not be doing after I graduate. God kept on nudging me. I could feel it. He was telling me not to worry. Everything will be alright. I have plans for you.

And then randomly a song came to my head. And I wandered around my house singing it:

Ho-ho-ho-ly
Ho-ho-ho-ly
is the Lord God Almighty

Ho-ho-ho-ly
Ho-ho-ho-ly
is the Lord God Almighty


Heaven and Earth are filled with his praises
Heaven and Earth are filled with his love
Heaven and Earth are filled with his praises
Holy is the Lord God Almighty

Holy is the Lord, God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come!...

I kept singing that. Repeating those words. Not cognitively knowing why I was singing. Just singing. Being led in the Spirit. Reflecting on the words without trying to go into some big definitions of what Holiness is.

Being still and knowing he is God. And that he is with me.

People act like holiness is a thing that should shame us. Because God is so mighty and we are nothing. And while that's true in some sense, it's not complete. God's holiness is good news to us and it leads us into peace, rather than fear. Unless we make it bad news.

I have cringed from his Holiness even though I know the Good News in my head. It's something that needs to be affirmed in our hearts, enlightening us there.

Some of you may be confused when reading this. Maybe wondering what I'm talking about.

The Good News in a far too brief summary:
God was in existence, in relationship with himself, being three in one- Father, Son, Spirit.
God created us in his image, to be in relationship with Him. We turned our backs on Him and did what is evil in his eyes. Since God's perfection cannot be contradicted, he could no longer be in relationship with us. The Father sent his Son to live here on earth, and he died as payment for our sins. Because of this we can have relationship with God, through knowing Jesus Christ. We follow him or we don't and when we decide to follow Jesus, we die to ourselves- to our ambitions, our goals. We give everything we are up to him. He gives us a new Identity. We are brought back to life with him. We have eternal life and we can experience eternity with Him, now! At this very moment.

And as crazy and absurd as that sounds, it's the best news I have ever known.