Calling and Holy Discontent

This topic has become all too redundant.

I wish someone could just point to what I'm supposed to go do after I graduate.

There are so many options out there. But there are too many. Searches become tired and futile.

I want it to find me. I don't want to worry my head off about finding it.

I want to do ministry. Well, there are many, many ministry oppurtunities out there. So many. My problem is not even being able to find them. I cannot discern what I should do.

The problem is:
I no longer know exactly what my "holy discontent" is.

Holy discontent is a problem you hate living with. You are passionate about seeing it changed. You will not stand for it to be left neglected. You cannot passively interact with it. It's your passion. It's your purpose, what Christ has called you to do in his Church.

Holy discontent is not static, it can be changing.

I'm discontented by a whole lot of things. I have little passions spread out everywhere, but no BIG passion. I want that passion though. I need it.
I wish someone would tell me what it is.

My holy discontent has been ever changing. Last year it was social injustice and poverty, and even though I am still outraged by the two, my personal passion has wavered. Why? My motivations for this discontent. I was motivated by the guilt of being a middle-class white person who is among the richest in the world. I felt a revolting guilt that sickened me when I thought about how much I had. But then I went to Kenya, and at the Missionaries of Charity, God showed me that I wasn't there out of love. I was there out of guilt.

So this is my current-shaping-subject- to- interpret- later-highly ambiguous holy discontent:
I don't want to perform works for the wrong reason. I want to love people. I want to listen to them. And actually be there with them. Walk alongside people.

But first I have to love God and love myself. And that's what I'm working on. And it seems selfish. I don't want to be so me-focused that I ignore other peoples' spiritual needs, but I want to fill up on God so his love can pour out on others.

I would love to be impassioned about social injustice again and really strive to make a difference in someone's life. And really make true and honest cross-cultural relationships. But I don't want to do it for my own glory. I don't want a passion for social justice to project self-righteousness on everyone else.

I alienated a lot of people last year. My family. Some friends. People who are not my friends. Because I was legalistic, self-righteous and angered.

But no, right now I need to love. And that is my holy discontent. And as to my calling, how does this become concrete? There are many, many ways to love. I don't know how God will use me. I don't know how he is calling me to love people. There are so many different things I can do.

And even though I want to go to seminary, that doesn't seem like the complete answer.
I don't know what the complete answer is, and I guess I need to rest in not knowing.

Tony, one of my Kenya GP buddies recently sent me an encouraging facebook message:

"i read your last email about trying to figure out life after undergrad...well, i got news for you - it doesn't get any easier after you graduate from college. so, the process is really the most important thing - how you go about asking the Lord for direction and guidance. my professor in chapel just shared his thoughts on this the other day - some things I remember him saying were - hold to God's sovereignty - and remember that God is more interested in you finding your calling than even you are - all to the praise of His glory."

I needed to hear that. Thanks, man.The good thing is that we're always becoming. This problem I have now I will still have in 20 years. How is this good? Because I will always need to lean completely on God for my direction and my purpose. Jesus commands my destiny. Bwana Asifiwe.